NARRATOR:
Last week on
Married...with Children:
Steve left Marcie, so Peggy
decided they should go
someplace to forget.
Las Vegas!
Don't give me
a two,
because my husband
sells shoes.
Seven.
Ah!
To pay for her vacation,
Peggy had to sell
something of Al's.
What the hell's wrong
with this remote control?
Well, Dad,
I'm no electrician,
but I'd say the trouble
is the TV's gone.
Oh, and by
the way, Dad,
so is Mom.
Wait a second.
Let's not gloss
over this TV thing.
The girls lost all their money.
But Peggy found a way
to get more.
When Al found out,
he took the news
with his usual aplomb.
Kids, get a change of clothes
and a baseball bat.
Because we're going to Vegas!
And now,
Married...with Children
continues.
Five thousand
dollars.
I can't
believe it.
We lost $ , apiece...
in minutes.
[FORCED LAUGHING]
What are we
gonna do?
So, gals...
who wants to ride
the Wild Elmo?
Oh!
So, gals.
Who wants to ride
the Wild Elmo?
Smart move,
Marcie.
He could've bought us
a couple of drinks.
We could've taken him
in the bathroom
and rolled him.
Didn't your mother
teach you anything?
There has to be another way
we can earn some money
and still hang on
to our pride.
[PIANO PLAYS]
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna take a break.
But we'll be back
with more
of our special tribute:
"Tony Orlando:
Genius or Madman?"
* If I can *
* Make it there *
*I'll make it *
*Anywhere *
* It's up to you *
* New York *
* New *
* York *
New York!
[LAUGHING]
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.
Now,
let's have a little
round of applause
for the little lady
on the piano.
[SILENCE]
Ah, come on,
folks.
Her husband
just left her.
How about it,
huh?
[SLOW CLAPPING]
Hey, I know
a pity clap when I hear one.
Shut up, Marcie.
You're cooling off
the crowd.
And a great crowd
it is.
Because they've
got...
The look of a lynch mob?
No.
Personality!
* 'Cause you've got *
* Personality *
* Walk *
* Personality *
* Talk *
* Personality *
* Smile *
* Personality *
* Charm *
* Personality *
* Love *
* Personality *
* 'Cause you got
a great big heart *
* Personality *
[LAUGHING]
So, uh, how many of you
are from out of town, huh?
Wow.
Las Vegas.
The city
that never rests.
The city of viva.
The city of lust,
greed and...
excess.
My city.
Las Bud.
Yeah, well,
over the Rockies,
you were
Mr. "Hold me, Daddy.
We're gonna fly
into the sun."
Now, kids.
You know
why we came.
One, to get
my TV.
Two, to get
my $ back.
And, uh...
[SNAPS]
...what was
that other thing?
Find Mom?
Nah, there was something
before that.
Oh, yeah.
Key Wayne Newton's car.
All right, now I want you
to fan out.
And if you find Mommy,
or something Daddy
would like a little better...
give the Bundy yell.
I wanna die?
That's the one.
All right.
Hot babe.
Hot babe.
Hot babe.
Hot babe.
Cold shower.
Look, buddy,
I told ya.
It's bucks
an hour,
and they have to be
art photos.
Hi, Al.
Look, Marcie.
It's Al.
I'm busy.
Peg--
Look, I know what
you're gonna say.
Honey,
it was wrong of me
to sell the TV
and to max out
our credit cards,
and to lose
our $ .
And believe me,
I've never been
more sorry.
Do you have
any money?
No.
Buzz off.
Did you get
anything?
Three dollars.
Boy,
they don't pay
these federal agents
anything.
Al, you are
the man.
What are we
gonna do?
Peg, if I was
really the man,
I would've
married the TV
and left you
at Sears.
All right.
We're a thousand
miles from home,
we're flat broke.
Now give me a minute
to think.
MAN'S VOICE:
Do you, Al Bundy,
take this woman
to be
your lawfully-wedded wife?
AL:
Do I look that stupid?
Oh, God.
Hi, Kelly.
Hey, any luck
finding Mom?
Well, I've got, uh,
feelers out everywhere.
What are you
doing?
Just wondering.
I mean,
why doesn't
everyone
who's looking at
the spinning ball
bet on
number ?
Well, Kelly,
probably because
the odds are -
against number--
Fourteen!
Pay number .
That could never,
ever happen again.
That was just
dumb luck.
Thirty-two.
Yeah, right, Kel.
See that fat lady
over there?
If number
comes up,
I will go over
and kiss her on--
Thirty-two!
Excuse me.
Now, how did
you do that?
Well, I just let
my mind go blank.
What do you mean,
"let" it?
How can you
stop it?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Kel.
You let your mind
go blank and then what?
Well, then a number
comes into it, like...
seven.
Seven!
Hey, the real
stupid girl knows
the numbers.
I'm rich.
Kelly,
I love you.
I'm not
kidding.
I'm feeling something
very special here.
Kelly, marry me.
Damn the law!
Uh, Peggy,
he hasn't moved
for an hour.
Maybe he thinks
he's having sex.
If I was, you'd just
come in and spoil it.
Okay, it's
clear to me,
the only way
to get this money
is for me
to win it back.
So gimme everything
you got.
Okay, uh...
bucks
and, uh...
some confetti?
That's your
credit card.
The machine seems
to be rejecting it.
I'll just keep it
as a symbol of our love.
[BLOWS]
All right, bucks
is all I'll need.
For I will build this
into a fortune.
Let's kick some booty.
Oh, now I know
everything's
gonna be
all right.
Because the man that sifts
through my garbage for food
is gonna break
the bank in Las Vegas.
Are you
gonna play,
or do we just soak in
your exhaust fumes
until we drop?
You can't
just play.
I've got
to feel it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Nope, I don't
have to go.
This is it.
This is the one.
This is my
lucky table.
This is where
I shall play.
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
Would you care
to try your luck,
Mister...
Bundy. Al Bundy.
I thought so.
And what is your name, my dear?
Yummy All Day.
And yummy all night, too,
I'll wager.
[CHUCKLING]
Don't you remember me?
The night in Monaco?
Why, Yummy...
I didn't recognize you dry.
Excuse me, sir,
but...
can I get you
a drink?
Beer. Shaken,
not stirred.
Oh.
I know, I know.
Hey, babe.
Give me a kiss.
You're hurting me.
I like to hurt women.
[GASPING]
Apologize to the lady.
I'm sorry.
Oh!
Thank you,
Mr. Bundy.
No problem, miss.
Always ready to help out
a lady in distress.
And dis dress,
and dis dress.
Get my beer,
please.
Oh, and a TV Guide.
For later.
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
I like a man...
who's on top
of things.
And I like a woman
with things on top.
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
Would you care
to make a bet, sir?
Sir?
Sir.
Hey, you!
You wanna make
a bet or what?
You bet
I'm gonna bet.
Ungh.
It's a $ minimum, sir.
Who was
that guy?
Loser. Born loser.
Dad, Mom...
Sweet cheeks.
I looked everywhere
for you, Dad.
I need you
to place a bet.
They won't let me,
because I'm underage.
Come on.
We can't lose.
Thirty-five.
Thirty-five.
Yeah.
Thirty-five.
[CHEERING]
See that, Dad?
Now, Kelly can pick
winning numbers
on the roulette
wheel.
She got
in a row.
See, Al?
And you didn't
want her.
Quick, honey,
bet whatever
number she says.
Like I don't
know what's
gonna happen.
As soon as
I bet,
she'll pick
the wrong number.
Oh, just bet,
you idiot.
What's the number,
Kel?
Two.
Bet, Al.
Ah! I can't
do it.
You know my life,
my luck.
There's no way
that thing's
gonna stop on--
Two.
[CHEERING]
Hey, Daddy...the guy
in the cowboy hat
wants to take me
to Monte Carlo.
If I promise to be in bed
by , can I go?
No.
Now, listen
very carefully.
Everything the Bundys
will ever have
is riding on you.
Now, concentrate.
Tell Daddy...
the number.
Thirty-three?
You sure?
She's sure.
Just bet, Dad.
Hurry! Come on!
Hurry!
Eight bucks...
on .
And...
the winner is...
five.
[GROANING]
What happened,
Kel?
Well, Daddy
made me nervous,
and I couldn't
get my mind
to go blank.
Nice work,
Al.
You
stink!
Yeah,
you reek.
Seven.
Seven!
KELLY:
Twenty-three.
DEALER:
Twenty-three!
Well, Al, now what
are we gonna do?
Well, let's go
for it all.
Let's have a couple
more kids by mistake
and move in
with your mother.
PEG:
Hey, Al.
There's a way
to win $ , .
What do I do, Peg?
Sell everything I own
, times?
No.
All you have to do
is wrestle
with a G.L.O.W. Girl
for three minutes.
What's
a G.L.O.W. Girl?
So, what time's
your match?
I don't know.
I just hope I don't get
another car salesman.
They bite.
Count your
blessings.
Lawyers leave
greasy spots.
You mean,
all I have to do
is roll around
on the floor
for three minutes
with one of those?
Well, don't get
too cocky, Al.
You haven't lasted
three minutes
with me in years.
Hey, you never
put up grand!
Where do I sign?
And now, entering the ring
is our challenger,
Al "The Starvin'
Shoe Salesman" Bundy.
[CHEERING]
And now, let's meet
your opponent.
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS
OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, gee.
I'm really in for it now,
huh?
Yup, because your opponent
is our own...Big Bad Mama!
[CHEERING]
Let me at him.
It's $ , ,
Al.
That's a dollar
a pound, Peg!
Get in there,
you big baby.
Do it for me.
No!
Do it for
the kids.
No!
Al...do it
for the TV.
Come on,
Bundy.
Now, let's go over
the rules.
No eye-gouging.
No foreign objects.
And Big Bad Mama,
no biting
below the waist.
I'll try.
That's all
we can ask.
Let's get
it on.
[BELL RINGING]
Wrestle.
Aah!
Help!
Help me! Help me!
Help me!
ANNOUNCER:
And Big Bad Mama's got him
in a headlock.
God. He fought
harder than that
on our honeymoon.
Oh, my! She's rubbing
his eyes against the ropes.
Come on, Al.
You can do it,
honey.
Only minutes
and seconds to go.
[AL SCREAMS]
God,
what a baby.
No!
Help me!
Help me!
Help me!
Hey,
no fair.
She's biting
below the waist.
[HIGH-PITCHED
SCREAM]
Why isn't he
fighting back?
Oh, it's not
his fault.
He's just so
used to losing.
Come on, Al!
You got her right
where you want her.
Mommy. Mommy, help me!
Mommy, help me!
Hey, Mom, do you think
she's really
hurting him?
Oh, no.
Everyone knows
this stuff isn't
for real.
Peg. Peg!
Peg!
Peg! Peg!
Peg!
[LOUD THUD]
Wow.
Okay, babe.
I see what you got.
Let's rock.
Oof!
Aah!
Al...
I am really
disappointed with you.
You know, your children
are watching.
I know, Peg.
That's why I'm holding
the blood in.
[SCREAMING]
Mom,
I'm afraid.
I mean, how's he gonna
sell shoes
with his head
flopping around
like that?
CROWD:
Seven...eight...nine... ...
CROWD:
... ... ... ...
!
Uh, Peggy, I think
she may be k*lling Al.
Nah, he knows
what he's doing.
He's wearing her out
with the brain-a-dope.
Twenty seconds
to go.
Hang in there,
Bundy!
I did it.
Ilived.
ANNOUNCER:
Uh-oh.
What? What?!
Big Bad Mama's
climbing the ropes.
And I think
you all know
what that means.
What? What?!
Get outta
the ring, Al!
Run! Run!
I can't move my legs.
Someone sh**t me!
She's setting him up
for the Big Tsunami.
But she'd better hurry.
Three seconds...
two...one...
[BELL RINGS]
And it's over.
He's done it.
He's lasted three minutes.
But I don't think
that matters
to Big BadMama.
Once she's moving,
there's no stopping her.
Good night.
Yah!
[LOUD THUD]
[WIND HOWLING]
Come on,
Al.
It's time
to go home.
Must you always
lag behind?
Daddy.
Daddy.
Would you like
to try
to drink some more
of these peas?
You were right,
Peggy.
I really did
need a vacation.
I feel renewed.
And you know what?
I don't need
a man.
They're just
excess baggage.
[CHUCKLES]
Tell me about it.
You know, Marcie,
it's a shame
to leave Vegas
with this
much cash.
Let's gamble
some more.
Maybe take in
a show.
After all, it is
found money.
What about
Dad?
Oh, just leave him
to watch
the twinkling lights.
He's so easily amused.
Ooh.
04x17 - You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em: Part 2
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.
Follows Al Bundy, a once-glorious high school football player turned women's shoe salesman; his lazy wife, Peggy; their beautiful, dumb and popular daughter, Kelly; and their smart, horny and unpopular son, Bud.