05x08 - Ladies' Choice

[bunniefuu]

Ooh!

Thank you, sir.
May I have another?

Hey, guys.

[Roseanne]
hey.

Hey, I think I found

The perfect creamer
for the restaurant.

[moo]

What do you think?

I think
in the wrong hands,

Petty cash can be
a dangerous thing.

No one appreciates my pain.

Which is why you should not
be alone all the time.

No, Roseanne.

What, you don't even know
what i'm gonna say.

You're gonna fix me up

With another one
of Dan's friends.

That just shows you
how wrong you are.

I was gonna
say something
totally different.

What?

Well, now I forget.

The only thing
I can think about

Is this one
friend of dan's

That'd be really
perfect for you.

I'm not looking.
Can we just drop it?

Come on, Nancy, just 'cause
you haven't met anybody lately

Doesn't mean you should
just give up.

Yeah, besides,
this friend of Dan's,

I think he is doing
really, really well, okay?

'cause he just blew
a ton of money
on these hair plugs.

Sounds like a dream, Roseanne.

Think i'll take a pass.

No, you won't,
because I told him

You were gonna
call him this morning,

And I just know
you guys are really--

No.

I'm already seeing someone.

Oh.

Well, thank god, because this
bald guy's a real loser.

So, come on, tell us
about the guy.
What's his name?

We're just gonna
bug you 'til you do.

No, it's too soon.
It's too soon.

You big baby.

All right.
Her name is Marla.

I'm seeing a woman.

What?

No, you aren't.

I'm serious. I'm gay.

Ah, you're just screwing
with us, right?

No.

So what do you think?

Well, it's really
surprising.

I mean, when
did this happen?

Wait a minute.

You and I used to go out
looking for guys all the time.

We went to all those
singles' dances together.

Singles' dances?

I thought we were dating.

Joke. Joke. Just kidding.

But--well,
I don't get it.

Where'd you meet her?

At the cosmetic counter
at Rodbell's.

She does makeovers.

Well, she's certainly
thorough.

So...

Did you do it?

Oh, Roseanne.

You don't just ask
that right away.

For god's sakes.

Why didn't you tell us
about it before?

I don't know.
I was scared,

And I didn't know
how you'd react.

Well, we'd react
the same way we react

When you tell us
anything personal--

We make fun of you
'til it gets old,

And then we move on.

I can feel the love.

It's
just so strange.

So weird, I mean...

So when did you
start liking women?

I mean, you were
married to Arnie.

[gasp]

Arnie turned her gay.

Well, sleeping with Arnie
would turn any woman gay.

Some women.

Well, it's just like I see it
on this Oprah show, okay?

Well, they had
these women on there,

And they says
that you're born gay,

You know, that it's like
a chemical thing and everything.

But then right after that,
I see on Donahue

They had on
these straight women

Who had tried that
for a while,

But they says
it's just a phase.

Well, I think I may have
always been a lesbian.

I was just in denial.

I think maybe Arnie
was the phase.

Think that's possible?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
"lesbians in denial."

Sally jessy.
Last Thursday.

Oh, okay.

I don't get it,
Roseanne.

There had to have
been some signs.

Well, Nancy always liked
that Miss Hathaway

On the Beverly Hillbillies.

I think that says it all.

Wow.

Imagine what it would be like

Going through life without
wanting or needing a man.

What do you think
it's like, anyway,

Two women living together?

Oh, that's easy.

Hey, it's my turn to be
unselfish and giving!

No! You got to be unselfish
and giving yesterday.

Today, you have to be
supportive and nurturing.

Yeah, this could be good.

No espn.

Twice the pms.

I'm afraid i'm gonna feel
weird around Nancy now.

I mean, what if she starts
checking me out?

Well, she probably
already has.

I forgot.

Well, you said you guys
went to buy swimsuits together.

[gasp]

Oh, relax, Jackie.
She can control herself.

It's not like she's a man.

It's just so weird.

Well, you know,
she's still your friend.

She just happens to be gay.

What's for lunch?

And who's gay?

Loose meat, and
none of your business.

Oh, I probably
already know anyway.

It's Dr. Summers,
your gynecologist.

My gynecologist
is a lesbian?

Hey, she's still
your gynecologist.

She just happens
to be a lesbian.

Chill. I was just
messing with your head.

So who is it?

No.

Roseanne, come on.

She's gonna find out
about it somehow.

Wouldn't you rather
it came from her mother

With a little explanation?

No, not really.

Ah, I hate this.

All right, well,
before I tell you,

Let me ask you a question.

Uh, do you ever watch
Sally Jessy?

Mom, I pretty much already
know about lesbians,

And what I don't you'd be
too embarrassed to tell me.

Yeah, right.

Well...

It's Nancy.

Whoa.

How'd you find out?
Did she tell you?

No, we saw the
"i'm a big old d*ke"

Bumper sticker on her car.

I still don't see
how we could have
missed it, Roseanne.

How could we not have known
that Nancy is a lesbian?

Well, she doesn't look
like a lesbian, you know?

I mean, lesbians
are big ol' truck drivers

That wear flannel shirts
and faded jeans.

So what do you think, mom?

I picked out
the linoleum myself.

Looks pretty great, huh?

I'm a silent partner.
It shouldn't matter
what I think.

Yeah, thanks, mom.

Oh, don't be so sensitive.

Now, I have
some wonderful news.

I found a place
to live in Lanford.

Don't worry. It's nowhere
near either of you.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, we're so happy
for you, then.

You might have heard of it.
It's called harvest glen.

Isn't that
a retirement place?

No, they call it
a senior community.

Well, you can't live there.
That's for old people.

Wait, Roseanne.
It's mom's decision.

I think we should
support her in it.

Mom, you have my support.

Thank you, Jackie.

Jackie, they tie
old people into chairs
at places like that.

Please don't screw this up.

Harvest glen
is nothing like that.

It's not a nursing home.

Lots of people
my age live there,

And they have all kinds
of activities--

Workshops,
golfing, day trips.

Sounds great.

And I assume that there's
some sort of curfew.

Nobody off the grounds
after, what, , ?

They're having
an open-house tomorrow,

And i'd like both
of you to come along

And see how nice it is.

Okay, but if I see one
old person tied to anything,

I'm leaving.

Bonjour.

Marla, Roseanne,
Jackie, their mom Bev.

This is marla.
I just brought her in

To show her
my new enterprise.

Wait. I know you.

Didn't you sell me moisturizer
the other day at Rodbell's?

You know, I think
you're right.

That's exactly
how we met.

Yeah, but Nancy
got the free gift.

There was a free gift?

You don't want
that gift, mom.

It was only available
to certain customers.

And this customer's
satisfied.

Can we--can--

You want to check out
the bathroom, mom?

I'm sure you're gonna
hate the wallpaper

We put up in there.

You finished the bathroom?
I wanna go see it.

Oh, yeah.

You know, Nancy is so lucky

To have friends
that are so supportive.

Oh, Nancy is so great.

Oh, she is great.
She's great,

And she's, uh,
very--really funny.

Hey, listen, you guys don't
have to sell me on Nancy.

I mean, we hit it off
right away.

Well, we're just glad
she's happy.

Not that she was unhappy.
Or desperate.

She's, er...

Really very popular.

Oh, yeah, yeah, popular.

She could
have her pick of--

Well, as it turns out,
anybody.

Do all the units
have the same carpeting?

We just put it in.
We picked a nice
neutral tone.

I hope you like it.

Oh, it's just fine.
I have lots of throw rugs.

I'm going to go
check the laundry room.

Lint traps tell you
a lot about your neighbors.

So what do you think?

I love the place.
Isn't it great, Roseanne?

How soon can we
drop her off?

What's this for?

Oh, well, it's
a medical alert button.

There's one in every room.

If there's an emergency,

All you have to do
is press it,

And an ambulance will
be here immediately.

Immediately, huh?

Roseanne, no.

Oh, and here is something else
that's kind of neat.

This is a motorized lift chair

For our tenants
who have a little trouble

Getting up out of
the seated position.

That's not too depressing.

Hey, you get your own chair.

Ah, you big baby!

You know,
before Bev gets back,

We want you to know
that this is more

Than just a place
for her to reside.

We want to do
everything we can

To take the burden off
you and your sister.

You must have
an awfully large staff.

No, no.

What I mean is, you see,
the price of the condo

Includes long-term
medical attention.

You know, when
it becomes necessary,

Your mother will be
automatically relocated

Into a bed in our
constant care wing.

What happens
to her apartment?

Oh, well, it'll
go back to a pool

To be resold
to new residents.

Well, what if
she gets better?

Now, this is a long way off.

Obviously, your mom
is in great shape.

No, but, I mean,
I want to know

What happens
if she gets better.

They're not young people,
Mrs. Conner.

Wonderful laundry facility,

Although it is
a bit of a meet market.

Mom, you better think
about this a little bit.

Nonsense, I think i'm
ready to sign right now.

No, you're not, mom.

You need to think about it
a little bit more.

Mom knows what
she wants, Roseanne.

She does not.

Yes, I do.

I hope you're not calling
mom stupid, Roseanne.

Well, what else do you
call paying for a condo

That they take back,

And medical care
that you might never use?

Mom could get run over
by a bus tomorrow,
and they hit the jackpot!

Don't say that, Roseanne.

Mom could lapse into a coma,
live years as a vegetable,

And she cleans up.

I don't think this is
up to either of you.

It's my money
and my life.

Okay, well, if you want to go
throwing them both away,

I mean, if you're
feeble-minded enough

To want to take this deal,

Then maybe you
should be in a home.

Well, if you're narrow-minded
enough to try to stop me,

Maybe you ought to go home
and not come back.

Fine.

[siren blares]

Well, listen to that.

It sounds like another
condo's ready to open up.

The place is perfect,
Roseanne.

You know how hard it is
for mom to make friends?

There are hundreds
of people there.

It would take her years
to alienate them all.

Oh, you just want her
out of your face.

Well, of course I do,

But I still think
it would be good for mom.

Why are you fighting
her moving so hard?

Well, how come you ain't
fighting it at all?

Because I think
it's a good idea.

Oh, don't you get it, Jackie?

That would be the last place
mom would ever live.

That's the place we have
to go get her stuff

After she dies.

Why worry about it now?
It's so far in the future.

We don't know that.

Gosh, she's .

She can only get insurance
from art linklater.

Why are you so
freaked out about this?

Because it's just really weird
to be planning mom's death.

We have been planning
her death for years.

Plotting, not planning.

All right, fine.

So it's up in our face now.

You knew we'd have to deal
with it sooner or later.

I know, but I just thought
it would be later--

You know, way later,
like when we're more mature.

We are mature...

Kinda.

How old do you feel?

I don't know.

Most of the time thirty...

. On a good day, .

Well, I feel like i'm

With an -year-old
married daughter,

Two mortgages, and a mother
going into a retirement home.

I wish I was
old enough to drink.

It's not that bad,
Roseanne.

I'm , Jackie.

This is all just
going way too fast.

How long 'til
i'm shuffling towards

That medical alert
button?

I'm not gonna
listen to this.

You're still young.

Hey, Darlene?

Do you think
of me as young?

Well, that depends.

I mean, if you mean young

As in vibrant
and full of life,

Well, I guess I do.

On the other hand, if you
mean young as in open-minded,

And willing
to accept new ideas,

Then I guess you qualify
in that area also.

Best of all, I think of you
as a friend and contemporary.

I must be getting old.

I walked
right into that one.

Well, I guess
that's it, uh, mom,

Unless you want me
to stick around

And help
unpack this stuff.

Oh, look, you went
forks, knives,

Serving spoons, spoons.

Different!

I'm not afraid of change.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, I just thought i'd stop
by and bring mom a gift.

Great. Make me look bad.

I'm going to wal-mart.
I'll be right back.

Well, here.
I brought this for you.

Well, thank you, Roseanne.

I better put it somewhere
where it won't drip.

Well, i'm surprised to see you,

Considering how you feel.

Well, it's not like I can
stop you or nothing.

But you know, you can still
get out of this whole deal.

You know, if you want,
we can just go to 'em

And tell 'em that
you're senile or something.

That's sweet, dear,
but I don't think senility

Would get you out
of an old folks home.

Well, I just never want
to come in here

And find you acting
like an old person.

You don't have
to worry about that.

I don't feel
like an old person.

Well, so, how old
do you feel?

. I'm .

No, I know that.

But I mean, like,
on the inside,

You know,
how old do you feel?

I'm .

I feel like
a -year-old woman.

How nice having this
talk with you, mom.

What do you want me
to say, Roseanne?

Well, I want you to say
that you feel, like,

You know, or or .

Anything but .

But what's wrong with ?

Well, it's old!

I don't want you to get old.

I know, dear.

Because you're just
dragging me with you,

And I don't like it.

You know, dear,
I don't get older

Just to
inconvenience you.

Yeah, I know.

I'm old.

Oh, you're not old, dear.

Well, I feel old.

Listen, why can't you just
forget about all this,

You know, and just go get
a regular apartment?

And then later on,
if you need to,

Well, then, you can just
move in with Dan and me.

Well, me.

I appreciate the offer,
dear,

And I did consider it.

I just think
strangers would take
better care of me.

I think it'll look great
over the register.

How come my head's
so damn big?

It's a caricature,
Roseanne.

Your head
is supposed to be big.

Well, nobody else's
head is that big.

How come I got a great big
old melon head?

I mean, in real life,

Nancy's head's way
bigger than mine.

Hello, everyone.

[in unison]
hi.

I just thought this
would look better

Here in the restaurant.

Now, I can't stay long.

The harvest glen
players are doing

You're a good man,
Charlie Brown,

And i'm up for
the role of Lucy.

I bet you'll get it,

'cause they probably have,
what,

Six understudies
for every part,

You know, in case
snoopy breaks his hip.

We'll keep our
fingers crossed, bev.

Good luck.
Bon soir, ladies.

[Roseanne]
ciao.

That Nancy's a lovely girl,

But if she doesn't stop

Spending all her time
with Marla,

She's never gonna find a man.

Mom--

Roseanne, ixnay
on the esbianlay.

Well, she's gonna
find out sooner or later.

[sigh]

Okay, i'm just gonna
come out and tell you this.

All right? Okay.

Marla and Nancy are lesbians.

Of course they are.

Any fool could see that.

So now I guess i'm supposed
to walk up and say,

"oh, hello,
you nice lesbians"...

Or something
equally embarrassing,

And then everyone
gets a good laugh

At the expense
of the stupid old lady.

Sure, they're lesbians.
I'm a lesbian.

You're a lesbian.
We're all lesbians.

I'm not falling
for it, Roseanne.

I'm not that old.