05x14 - w*r and Peace (2)

[bunniefuu]

[D.J.]
mom!

Mom, you have to sign
my math test.

No, not right now, D.J.

She said by tomorrow.

God! Hasn't Darlene
taught you to forge
my signature yet?

Okay, there.

I got a D.

Yeah, I know. I'm sure
you tried your best.

Jeez, i'm sorry, okay?

It was one time.
Gimme a break.

D.J., I gotta drive
aunt Jackie somewhere.

So I want you to go next door
over to the tildens'
and stay there,

And then when I get back,
if you want,

I'll yell at you, okay?

Okay.

Darlene!

This is weird.

I hate going
to the emergency room.

It reminds me of
the p*ssy willow.

Remember the p*ssy willow,
Roseanne?

All I said was
I wondered if it could
fit up your nose.

You're the one that
crammed it up there.

Well, it was still
a really mean thing to do.

I tried to get it out,
didn't I?

Yeah.

But you used a stick.

Is everything okay?

Jackie, could you go
start the car?

I've gotta get my coat.
Yeah.

Here, take this
chicken, too.

We got barbeque sauce
in the glove box.

What's going on?

I'm taking aunt Jackie
to the hospital.

Fisher hit her,
didn't he?

I'm not supposed
to tell you that.

Yeah, he did.

And now I need you
to do me a favor.

Okay.

Okay...We need milk.

And on your way,
could you swing by
the jail

And bail out your dad?

True grit.
Huh?

down.
Here, man,
you can have it.

I was just--
I don't want
any problems.

Hey, Dan.
Sorry it took so long.

They didn't have
any curly fries,

So I just got the regular.
Hope that's okay.

Thanks, buddy.

You know, everybody feels
pretty bad about you, uh...

Having to be
in here and all.

Yeah, I know.
Thanks.

I appreciate
the extra care you showed
when you frisked me.

Someone's here, Dan.
Says they know you.

Finally.

I'll go get started
on the paperwork.

Well, well, well.

Oh, man!

My, my, my, my, my.

What are you doing here?

You know, i'll bet when you
imagined us in this situation,

You always pictured yourself
on the other side of those bars.

Where's your mom?

Organizing
the candlelight vigil.

Come on, Darlene. I don't
have time for this.

Oh, I think you do.

She took aunt Jackie
to the hospital,

So i'm here to post bail.

But i'm a minor,
so that means I have to give
the money to the suspect...

Which I guess
would be you.

Give me the money.

All right,
but I want you to know

It's coming out
of your allowance.

Now!

Prison's hardened you.

Okay, now get in there
and tell Ray
to let me out of here.

Okay.

By the way, dad,

I think it was a really
cool thing that you did.

Thanks.

I guess I should prepare
you for all the things
that have changed

Since you've been
in the big house.

Mom says we have
a new daddy now.

Morning.

Where is everybody?

Mom went to
the supermarket

And jackie's
still sleeping.

The doctor gave her something
to knock her out.

What about D.J.?

I tried, but he wouldn't
swallow the pill.

Yoo-hoo!
Hey, Crystal.

I came over as soon
as I heard the news.

For my favorite inmate.

It's a cupcake with
a nail file baked in it.

Get it?

Yes, Crystal,
I understand.

Boy, this really
takes me back.

There's a lot you don't know
about your father, Darlene.

Before he became
a responsible family man,

He was quite
the barroom brawler.

Yeah, didn't you also
used to design dresses
under the name "Coco"?

[doorbell rings]
i'll get it.

So, Dan, word has it
on the street

You and Fisher got in a fight
over a poker game.

What did he do, cheat ya?

Yeah, Crystal, that's
exactly what happened.

Hey! Jailbird!

So when's
visiting hours?

What is this, mayberry?

Dan, we brought you
a little something

To help wile away
those lonely hours
in the slammer.

Hit it, Chuck.

[harmonica]

So what's the story, man?

I heard you took out
three guys in a bowling alley.

I thought it was
a poker game.

Well, Dan, according
to the people at buy & bag,

You went on
a drunken rampage,

Beat up six guys,
and took out a pay phone.

Hey, Roseanne.

We heard about dan's
little adventure.

You know, everybody's
talking about it.
Mm-hmm.

Well...

People have been
saying it for years.

But now, with Dan going
to jail and everything,

We are officially
poor white trash.

[harmonica]

Now all we need is
some little half-wit

Sitting in the front
yard eating dirt.

Hi!

Shut up, Darlene.

Hey, Jackie.

Man, what'd
they give me?

Whoa!
Has the living room
always been downstairs?

Now, don't you be
too hard on Dan.

The boys will
make up,

And Fisher won't
even remember what
Dan did to him.

Huh?

Dan beat up Fisher?

What?

Dan, can I talk to you?

Jackie--
in the bedroom, now.

So what'd you do, Dan?

You went over there
and beat him up,
didn't you?

Only his face.
Oh! Dan!

What the hell
were you thinking?

You think you can
go over there

Like some neanderthal
that's gonna fix
everything?

You had no right
to do that.
No right at all.

You stupid jackass.

I swear, Jackie,
I just went over there
to scare him a little bit

And things got
out of control.

Everything is
out of control now.

It was really sweet
of you to go over there
and act like a big jerk!

How--how could you
do something that
stupid and immature...

For me?

Uh, i'm sorry,
Jackie, really.

It's just really
humiliating, though.

You know, because roseanne's
always handling my problems,

And now you.

Well, it's a big job.

We had to expand
the department.

Well, you're both fired.

It's just that now
everybody in town

Is gonna be
talking about this.

Hey, listen...

As far as everybody's
concerned,

Fisher is just one
of a zillion guys
I beat up last night.

Besides, people
got better things
to talk about

Than what goes on
in our lives.

Dad, the paper's
on the phone.

They need a picture
to run with the article.

Should I send the one of you
dressed as baby new year

Or do you just want them
to use your mug shot?

[doorbell rings]

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Yeah?

Oh, I thought Mrs. Conner
was gonna be here.
I'll come back later.

That's okay.
What do you need?

I'm here to collect
for the paper.

Didn't we just pay that?

Don't hit me.

No, no, really--

No, that's okay.
I'll come back later.

I'll be waitin' for ya!

Dad, if kids are supposed
to tell parents the truth,

How come parents don't
always tell kids the truth?

[sighs] sit down, pal.

I guess you probably heard
in school that I was in jail.

And you're right,
I should have told you.

But sometimes...

See, stuff happens,

And your mom and I want
to protect you from it.

But you're right.
I shoulda been
honest with you.

You were in jail?

You didn't know?

What's all this stuff about
parents telling the truth?

I was just asking.

Well, I hope
I answered your question.

Why'd you go to jail?

You see, Deej,
what happened was

I lost my temper
and I hit somebody,

And hitting somebody's
a very bad thing.

Who'd you hit?

It's not important
who I hit.

Yes, it is,
or you'd tell me.

It was Fisher.

Why'd you hit him?

'cause he was mean
to your aunt Jackie...

In a way that's
much different

From the way your mom and
grandma are mean to her.

What'd he do?

He hit her, Deej.

So what I did
was sort of okay,

'cause the worst thing
you can ever do
is hit a woman.

How come you're not
supposed to hit girls

But it's okay
to hit guys?

Well, you see, Deej--

Rosie!

Um...Uh...

Okay, here's the deal.

It's not okay
to beat up anybody.

It's never okay
to beat up women.

But sometimes
it's less not okay
to beat up somebody

Who beats up somebody
you love.

What if a woman beats up
somebody you love?

Are you at all
interested in hearing
where babies come from?

Hi, Roseanne.
Hi.

Yeah. Moving day.

Well, I got some tape
and some rope,

So that takes care
of Fisher.

Uh, I wonder what
we need to pack with.

I'm just gonna grab
some breakfast first.

Okay, well, hurry up.
We gotta get going.

I left a message
on your scum-sucking
ex-boyfriend's machine

That he better not
bring his bony ass over
to that apartment

While we're moving you out,

Or else i'm gonna
bash his skull in.

Only I said it mean.

Um, this isn't gonna work.

You know, these boxes
are too big.

'cause I need
small boxes...

For my breakables
and stuff.

I can't move
without small boxes.

Well, Jackie,
we'll be extra careful

With your priceless collection
of nfl juice glasses.

Sorry.

I just don't want my
breakables to get broken.

I need small boxes.

God, take a pill.
We'll manage.

Maybe this just isn't
the best day to do this,

You know,
'cause of the boxes
and everything.

Well, Jackie,
we can get more boxes.

I will whore myself in every
grocery store in this town

If that's what
it takes, okay?

Look, everything's just
moving too damn fast.

Where you going with this?

I don't know.
It's just that yesterday

I was in love with Fisher,
and today, boom, i'm just
supposed to stop?

You got, Jackie.
Boom! Just like that.

Well, i'm sorry,
but I happen to believe

That maybe
there is a chance,

That he just might
need some counseling
or something.

I can't believe you.

You're all the time
making excuses

For people that
treat you like crap.

God, you are the most gutless,
pathetic thing i've ever seen.

I know you're
just saying that 'cause
you're worried about me.

See? There you go again.

I'm being
totally insensitive,

And you're making
excuses for me.

God, you're such an idiot.

Why are you
attacking me?

Because i'm sick
of hearing this from you.

It's the same crap
you used to say
about dad when we were kids.

It's not the same thing!

It is too the same thing.

You can't have
a decent relationship

Because you're still
looking for the same kind
of relationship

That we had
as kids with dad.

What about you?
You grew up in
the same house?

Hey, I didn't say
I was healthy.

Obviously, I have some
unresolved anger.

We're so aware.

You know,
it's really easy
to see things clearly

When you've been
married years
to a guy like Dan.

Hey, I lucked out.

I had lots of boyfriends
before Dan that
treated me like crap,

And I kept on going back
because I didn't think
I deserved any better.

But I learned my lesson,
and you didn't.

You are an amazing
and wonderful person,
Roseanne.

I wish we could
all be like you.

I wish we could all be
a happily married couple

Who each weighs
pounds!

All right, fine.

I'll tell you what.

If you can go
to a mirror

And look at those
bruises all over
your back

And then tell me
that you still want
to go back to Fisher,

Well, i'll get in my car
and i'll drive you
over there to him myself.

No, you wouldn't.

Okay, I lied.

You're right.
God, do you know how much
time we could save

If you could just
keep that in your mind
as a given?

[chuckles]
it is so obvious.

Anybody with this many
self-help books

Has got to be
a very troubled person.

Here. Gimme 'em.

I'll put 'em in there
with your cookbooks.

Well, I think I about
got everything.

Have you got
a cord for this?

That's not mine.
That's fisher's.

[crash]

Hey, what about this?
Is this yours?

That's mine.
Damn.

You got anything else?

Uh, I just got
a few clothes in the bedroom.

Okay, i'll go in there
and get 'em,

And then we can
burn the bed.

Hey.

What the hell are
you doing here?

I want--
I wanna talk to you.

Roseanne's in
the bedroom.
Get out of here.

I was worried about you.
Are you okay?

Yes. I'll be all right.

Jackie, what can I do
to show you how sorry I am?

Well, getting my
brother-in-law arrested
was a really good start.

Look, I already
dropped the charges.

I was angry.
I was confused.

The neighbors
called the police.

I didn't know
what to do.

You look terrible.

Thanks.

Jackie...

You remember how great
things were when you moved in?

Let's not throw
all that away.

Don't you think I want
things back to normal?

I thought I was gonna
move in here.

I thought we were
gonna get married.

Jackie, I think
I got everything.

Get out!

I came to talk to Jackie.
Get out!

Look, this is
between us, okay?

If you think
for one second

That you
hurting my sister

Doesn't have everything
to do with me,

Dan must have hit you
harder than I thought.

Roseanne,
I can handle it.

You know, I consider
myself a pretty good
judge of people,

And that's why I don't
like none of 'em.

But I liked you.

In fact, I pushed
Jackie to get back
together with you

After y'all broke up.

You just snuck right
under my radar, man,

And that just
pisses me off.

Roseanne, I know you're
upset with me,

But you gotta understand.

I really
hate myself for this.

Oh. That's good.

And I really hope
that you get your
life together.

But if you don't,

I hope the next
brother-in-law
kills you.

You say good-bye, Jackie.

Gimme a second.

She's an adult.
Maybe she doesn't wanna leave.

Maybe you should
stay out of this.

You have to let me
talk to him, Roseanne.

You got nothing
to talk to him about.

Oh, god! Can't I
think for myself?

What, are you thinking
of staying with him?

Why don't you
just marry him

And then have a whole
bunch of kids

So he can smack them
around, too.

Hey! Look, i've just about
had it with you.

Now, i'm not gonna let you
screw this up for me.

Jackie understands me.
We can work this out.

We've done it before.

You mean this
happened before?

[Roseanne]
is that true, Jackie?

Okay, sorry.

I didn't realize that

This was the kind of
sick relationship
you were looking for.

Maybe I was wrong to try
to help you get out of it.

I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna go downstairs
and sit in my car.

When you figure out
what it is you're gonna do,

You let me know.

[sighs]
well...

Maybe now we can
make some sense
out of this.

I think we just need
to be alone.

Yeah, we do.

'cause I don't want
Roseanne thinking

That she's the reason
why i'm leaving,

And I don't want you
thinking that either.

Bye.

Let's go.

If you ever
come near her again,

You're gonna have
to deal with me,

And I am way more
dangerous than Dan.

I got a loose-meat
restaurant.

I know what to do
with the body.

Um...That's mine.

God!

I hate myself for that.

What?
Nothing.

No, really,
what's the matter?

Nothing. I'm just
looking at you.

Why?

Because I was
sitting here thinking

How lucky I am
to have you.

But now you're getting
on my nerves. So shut up!

Really? That's what
you were thinking?

Yeah.

You know,
I was thinking

I could have done
way worse than you.

You're pretty cool.

Do you want me?

I've just washed.

I just said
you were cool.

I didn't say I want
to do nothing.

Fine.

Oh, okay. Come here.

No, no, no, no.
I'm not that easy.

Tell me some more wonderful
things about myself.

Start with my eyes.

You wanna hear
all the things
I like about you?

Uh...You picked me...

And you fix stuff.

Good enough.
Let's get after it.
[clapping]

warden threw a party
in the county jail

the prison band was there
and they began to wail

the band was jumpin'
and the joint began to swing

you should have heard those
knocked out jailbirds sing

let's rock

everybody let's rock

everybody in
the whole cell block

was dancin' to
the jailhouse rock

number
said to number

you the cutest jailbird
I ever did see

i'd sure be delighted
with your company

come on and do
the jailhouse rock with me

let's rock

everybody let's rock

oh, yeah

everybody in
the whole cell block

was dancin' to
the jailhouse rock

dancin' to
the jailhouse rock

dancin' to
the jailhouse rock

well, we're dancin'
uh-huh, huh

to the jail
uh-huh, huh

jailhouse rock

[imitating elvis]
thank you very much.