03x03 - Like a Virgin

[bunniefuu]

What a brutal fight.

I can't believe that little
Venezuela guy's still standing!

Whoa!

He's down, ladies and gentlemen!

Arturo Guadalupe is down!

Get up, you wimp.

You're not even
bleeding yet. Geez.

Cheer up, Darlene.
Maybe he's dead.

It's over.
Bag him and tag him.

Mom, help me with my hair.

What's wrong?

It just lays there
and does nothing.

Trying to look
all grown up for Robert?

Get human.

I hear he does the nasty
with college girls.

Well, I hope he gets
extra credit for that.

He just dated some senior

who takes some college classes.

No big deal.

No, of course not.

What do you think,
Dan? Pigtails?

Works for me.

Just forget it.
I'll do it myself.

Good luck covering up those
fresh zits tonight, Princess.

You're just jealous 'cause
I'm anatomically correct.

And I bet you can't
wait to show Robert.

You're such a virgin.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You tell them, Dan.

She's pathetic. She's
never even been kissed.

Like I don't have
enough spit of my own.

Well, you've been
a lovely couple.

Thanks for playing our game.

You'll die without ever
getting to first base.

Oh, go suck a tongue.

Darlene, go do the dishes.

Becky, go upstairs
and shave something.

And, you...

They won't always be this cute.

I know. I hear
once they hit ,

they start developing
their own personalities

and stuff.

Have you talked to Becky
about birth control?

Yeah. I sat her down and
said, "Becky, don't."

Roseanne.

She'll never get undressed
in front of a guy.

She thinks her butt's too big.

I've been thinking.

Maybe you should talk to her.

Maybe you should talk to her.

Well, good point, my pet.

All right. Maybe I'll
have the talk with her.

We're not telling her
to go have sex.

She doesn't need our permission.

Yeah. Well, tell her
never, never trust guys

because we lie big time.

I had this buddy...

Very successful with ladies.

He'd tell them
they wouldn't get pregnant

if they jumped
up and down afterwards.

Yeah.
Phil Diangelo.

How did you know about that?

You know, I believe I will
have that talk with Becky.

I told you about that, right?

Fine. Fine.

And a er for Brian

and a for Chicago skinny

and his faithful
sidekick Shrimpo.

Hey. I ain't
a Shrimpo.

She's just trying to rile us.

These dealers is wily.

Hit me.

All right.
on the nose.

No fair. He can add.

What will you yahoos do?

Hit me.

D.J., we got .

You never hit ,

especially when you're
betting five pretzels,

understand?

Yeah.

Hit me.

and bust.
Too bad, suckers.

There's a town in the
desert with bright lights

waiting for you, boy.

Too bad you're going
to the movies, dad.

The bulls game will be great.

I'd love to watch the game,

but Debra Winger's coughing
up a lung at the cineplex.

In Dolby.

How come we can't
ever do anything fun

with Gary and Jackie?

Because they're family.

Did you talk to Becky...

I will.

Wow. You
look incredible.

Really?

Yes.

Get in the kitchen.

Um... What do you know
about birth control?

Nothing. I swear. Really.

Oh, no.

This is going to be
like the talk, right?

Here. It's easier
to squirm sitting down.

I'm not sleeping with anyone,

if that's what
you're worried about.

I know that, Becky.

Would you be willing
to swear on a Bible

to make it official?

Mom, I know
all about birth control.

So then you know about
not getting pregnant

by jumping up and
down afterwards?

Brian, let's go sh**t some
hoops until the game starts.

Can I come?

No.

Ok.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, Dan.

Jacks, you and Rosie
pick another female movie

to t*rture us with?

What's wrong, Dan?

Can't handle a little
emotion and sensitivity?

Oh, yeah, right.

I love you,
but... I'm dying.

Oh, no.

You can't die because I'm dying.

Oh, really?
What's k*lling you?

A woman's disease.

Hey, me, too.

Yeah. Like they'd really
have the same disease.

Where's Roseanne?

Kitchen.
Giving Becky

the zero population
growth speech.

Really?

Maybe she could use some help.

I'm not bragging,

but when it comes to birth
control, I've tried...

To read just about every
book on the subject.

Hi.

Hi, Jackie.

Beat it.
We're talking.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to get
a glass of water.

I have to go in the store

and buy condoms myself?

God, how embarrassing.

You don't have to buy them.

You could use the rhythm method.

Oh, does it work?

Ask your brother.

Thirsty.

What about the sponge?

Is that pretty much foolproof?

Well, I don't
have any statistics

on this kind of stuff...

Um-hum.

But then why not hear
it from an expert?

You're on, professor Jackie.

Well, if you're sure.

I'm not.

All right.

Now, although
some of your sponges

can help prevent some disease,

they're only about %
effective against pregnancy,

so better still is your
condom-sponge combo.

Used correctly, we're
talking Fort Knox security

at a price you can afford.

I'm telling mom.

But doesn't all that
stuff k*ll the mood?

Not as much

as a screaming baby
with a loaded diaper.

[Knock on door]

Oh, that's Robert.

We're through, right?

Well, you tell me.

I'm still not
going to do anything.

Well, now that's % effective.

Yeah. Uh...

Mom couldn't talk to us
about birth control.

She couldn't even
talk about sex.

Sex. She told me it was
something people did in Europe.

She did try and talk
about it once, remember?

She said if we let
a boy go all the way,

then we would be called
loose or slutty,

like that was going to stop us.

She should have told us
we'd be called mommy.

So...

What did you tell your girls?

What?

About having sex.

You were right there.
You heard what I said.

That was birth control.

Same thing.

It is not.

It is, too.

Roseanne, I'm not
talking about mechanics.

I'm talking about

when a guy kisses you
behind your ear,

and you start getting all weird.

These are my daughters you're
talking about, Jackie.

Roseanne, I'm amazed.

This isn't like you at all.

You know who?

I am not like mom!

Give us a break.

Jordan's missed three in a row.

It looks like
he's pushing the ball.

He should be popping it.

So he gets more backspin.

Time out. Bulls.
Finally.

Oh, great. Here come
the bimbo cheerleaders.

Maybe he's not getting
enough arc on the ball.

What do you think, Brian?

Brian?

Huh?

You actually like

watching those
dancing potato heads?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, wow. They're all
doing splits.

Oh, did I say potato heads?

I was wrong. I must
have meant geniuses.

So, uh, what about the
cheerleaders at school?

What about them?

You think they're pretty?

Yeah. Some of them.

You won't believe what Vicki
Womack said yesterday.

She said I should try
out for cheerleader.

Good one.

Yeah.
That's what I said.

I'm not even close to being
pretty enough, right?

You're just not the
right type, that's all.

I think cheerleaders are stupid.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, Brian.

What?

What was that for?

For thinking
cheerleaders are stupid.

Oh.

Well, I don't think
they're stupid.

I think they're complete idiots.

That movie was so sad,
so warm, so loving.

I want a beer.

They're in the trunk.

Becky's in the front room
with a boy.

Oh...

Becky.

Darlene?

Hi, mommy.

Uh, we'd better go.
Come on.

Are you crazy?

Hey, sports fans.
How was the game?

Yeah. I'd like to
hear the final score.

The Bulls lost, I think.

What, you guys been wrestling?

What did she do, Bri,
pin you down?

Brian, it's been fun
watching the game with you,

but it's time
for you to go home.

Bye, Darlene.
See you at school tomorrow.

Ok.

Hey.

Come back soon, buddy.

I'll be upstairs.

Good night, kiddo.

What?

Dan, they were making out.

Right.

Did you notice how her
blouse was, uh...

Like it hadn't been
on her back the whole night.

That's great.
That's just great.

Where are you going?

I want to make sure
Brian gets home all right.

Yeah. Some big guy in a
truck might plow him over.

What, did you forget
your shotgun?

Darlene!

Yelling at her won't
solve anything.

I want to explain that
she's not to touch boys.

If you do that,

she'll have a family of four

by the time she graduates.

Yeah?

Go to your room.

It's really not all that bad.

Not now, Jackie, all right?

I was her age

when Doug Brock got
to second base with me.

It was during a football game.

We were under a big blanket.

Honey, buy me a cup of coffee?

I'm helping, Gary.

I'll be at home if you need me.

Take it easy, Dan.

Yeah.

Roseanne,
Darlene's years old.

Well, Becky was

when she started...
dating.

Becky's not Darlene.

She's not stupid enough

to get caught groping
on her parents' couch.

I don't mean that.

Darlene's different.
She plays sports.

Well, she's got a new sport.

You're just all upset

because you and Darlene
are so close.

I'm close with Becky, too.

You never got upset
about Becky doing this.

Becky's older.

No. It's about the fact

that you all watch games
on TV together

and work in the yard together,

and you sh**t hoopies
out in the driveway.

Hoopies.

I'm not excited about it either,

but it's not
the end of the world.

I mean, face it, honey.

Your son is becoming a woman.

Hi.

How did it go?

Great.

I'm going upstairs and
jump up and down now.

Good night, Becky.

Oh, it's just you.

Sorry.

How was your date?

Well, he's a great kisser,

not that you'd
know the difference.

Did you get felt up?

No.

I did.

I don't believe you.

Me and Brian made out tonight.

What? You never
even went out.

So? We played basketball
almost every day.

It's not the same thing.

How do you know he won't
tell everybody at school?

I told him
I'd punch his face in.

That could work.

Mom and Dad caught us.

Oh, god.
Did they freak?

Not yet.

So how was it?

The kissing was pretty good.

Well, what about
the other stuff?

Better than volleyball

and yet not quite
as good as hockey.

Look, Darlene, you can't
be doing this, ok?

You got to make guys
treat you a certain way.

You call the sh*ts.

Make them beg, right?

Basically.

My dainty daughters.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

How long have you been spying?

years. I'm getting good, huh?

So is it official?
Am I grounded forever?

Why, no. We're throwing a
special debutante party

to celebrate
this special moment.

Your dad's on the phone
hiring the band.

Great. t*rture me,
then ground me.

I want you to tell me
all about it, lover girl.

Wait. I have
a better idea.

Don't tell me,

and I'll be surprised
when I read your diary.

You're hysterical.

So you really go for
this dating stuff, huh?

I wanted to see
what it was like,

so I kissed him.

I didn't have to drown
my face in mascara

like some Barbie dolls

who shall remain nameless.

So you really showed Becky, huh?

That's not why I did it.

At first, maybe, but
then it was different.

And then, maybe, things
went a little too far?

Maybe.

You think he'll ever
talk to me again?

Well, you did use him

like a cheap piece of meat.

Guys love that.

What about you and Robert?

Any wedding plans
I should know about

while your dad's
hiring the band?

Oh, right. Like I'll let
him pick the music.

Listen...

Girls.

Sex...

Is something that...

Is not even going to be good

until, you know, you're older.

Mother.

No, no. We've never really
talked about sex,

and I think
we should discuss it now.

All right. Go ahead.

Well, ok. Um...

Well, if you were,
to, like, do it now,

sure you'd have some pleasure,

but...

It would be a lot better if...

You're saying we're too
young to go all the way.

Your body and your mind
have to reach maturity.

Yeah.

You don't want to regret it.

You have to love the guy.

Yeah.
And, you know...

You'd like to make sure...

That you respect him.

Or it's meaningless.

And he respects you.

And he respects you.
Right.

It's a beautiful thing.

Right.

Well, then.

Well, I guess I feel really good

about our little chat.

You guys feel good about it?

Oh...

Absolutely.

- Definitely.
- Definitely.

Well... Well,
that's great, then.

All right. That's great.

Ok. Well,
good night, girls.

Good night, mom.

I love you, mom.

I love you, too.

Good night.

Good night.

How lame.

Oh, geez.

Hi.

Come on.

Try to get by me.
Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Ok. My turn.

Roseanne.

I don't need a pep talk.

No. I want
to sh**t hoopies.

See if you can get by me.

Ok.
Give it to me.

I'll inbound it to you.

What's inbound?

Another word for sucker.

Did you tell Darlene
about the...

I told her to slow down.

That all?

I told both of them

that sex wouldn't be that great

till they were, like, .

?

Well, maybe that's just me.

You were there for me.
That's all that's important.

No matter what I told them,

that can't compare to what
they're telling each other.

Want to make some popcorn
and go listen?

No.

You want to watch TV?

Bonanza's on.

Nah. I'll
hang out down here

and sink some more, ok?

Ok.

So, dad...

Want to take the Bears
for a buck?

Nah. That's ok.

How many points you giving?

.

Paper said .

/ .
I'll get the sodas.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's going deep.

Oh, he dropped it.

Man, great pass, though.

Montana is definitely on.

He's got the best arm
in the league.

And a nice butt, too.