03x07 - Trick or Treat

[bunniefuu]

A niner to Marvin,
possible straight,

another duck for the
monsignor, zippo,

and shinola for the dealer.

Bet's to you, paladin.

Two bits.

[Burp]

Beautiful.
Beautiful.

The king.

Judges.

. .

Thank you.

A from the communist judge.

Did I tell you guys
about my cousin Leon?

He bought two
mail-order brides

through a catalogue.

UPS delivered them
to his door buck naked.

They both looked
like Michelle Pfeiffer,

except they had
really big heads.

Ok, who wants to chip in
for Arnie's therapy?

He's paying me for that story.

I told you about me dating
that belly dancer, right?

Oh, listen to this.

This chick had
such muscle control,

she could pick up...

Hey, honey.
Jackie, D.J.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

Can I try on my
Halloween costume, mom?

Well, hey, go
knock yourself out.

So what were you all saying?

Oh, yeah, I'd, uh...

You could use a
cross-cut saw on that,

but I'd use a band saw,

'cause it's a lot easier.

You look like a band saw man.

Hey, you better use
your coasters.

Ha, made you look.

Power tools.

That's their little code for
"Fallopians approaching."

Like we don't know

what goes on when
we leave that room.

They talk about their first
time, their last time,

and how many times.

Then they multiply it by five

and spit at each
other and go home.

I wonder why.

We're talking about the
only animal on earth

that would wear black socks
with Bermuda shorts.

[Baby talk] Now, we put
on our little ears.

Why do I have to do this?

Because her needs
a Halloween costume.

I don't want to go
to Dan's stupid lodge

stupid haunted house thing.

But it's for charity.

But it's no fun

having some -year-old
guy with a pot belly

jumping at me
saying "ooga booga."

It was scarier now
than when I was .

I want to see you
get out there again.

I just broke up with Gary.

I'm depressed.

I'm tired and miserable.

I look so cute.

I'll get you, my pretty.

Hey.

You look great.

So scary.

I need a broom.

It's in the kitchen.

Hey, hey.

Look everybody,
D.J.'s a witch.

Why don't you fly upstairs
and put on your pj’s?

I can't fly without a broom.

Sure you can. Look.

Ok. I'll be up
in a minute, champ.

Two daughters isn't
enough for you?

What are you talking about?

He's dressed like a witch.

Witches are girls.

This is the s, Dan.

Witches are women.

We can't let him do this.

He got to pick his own costume.

Why not something like a vampire

or a nice ax m*rder*r?

Like, um, Lizzie Borden?

There's other
ax murderers, Roseanne.

I get it.
You want him to be

a manly virile stud
of an ax m*rder*r.

There's no little sissy ax
m*rder*r for Dan Conner's boy.

Boys shouldn't
dress up like girls.

Darlene dressed up like
a pirate three times.

That was cute. He'll come
home with a bloody nose.

That is stupid.

I got to get back in there.

Would you talk to him?

D.J.!

Instead of a witch,

you want to dress up
like Madonna?

I did my best.

Hi, mom.

Yeah.

So how long you going to be?

Ok.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

Ok. Bye.

Dad, mom's still at work!

She says she and aunt
Jackie will meet us there!

I'll be right out!

Darlene, you're not even ready.

We'll be leaving any minute.

I don't feel so good.

What's wrong?

My stomach.

Oh! Oh, my god!

Oh!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

So do you want some Pepto
Bismol or something?

Ok. Let's get going.

Where's D.J.?

We'll get him.

[Imitating Curly] You don't
look half bad, toots.

Thank you.

I'm supposed to remind you
to bring the brownies.

[Imitating the Three Stooges]

Lamebrain,
you forgot the brownies.

Boink.
Ow... ow... ow.

Hey, leave him alone.

Oh, wise guy, eh?

Nyaaaah.

W-w-w-woo...
W-w-w-w-woo...

Woo!

All right, knock it off.

I'll get the brownies.

Hey, hey, hey.

Uh, what's this?

It's D.J.

I thought you changed your mind?

No.

Well, look, the costume's
great and everything.

Why not just, uh, say
you're a warlock?

What's a warlock?

It's a guy witch.

Ok.

Let's get rid of this.

Why?

Warlocks don't have brooms.

Then I want to be a witch.

Witches are girls.
Warlocks are guys.

They can do anything
a witch can do.

They can turn people into frogs,

they make thunder and
lightning, Grant wishes.

That's a fairy godmother.

Rrah!

You're not helping.

Ok, look, uh...

Oh, hey, look!
It's a magic wand.

You take this and tell
people you're a wizard.

I don't want it.

I don't want anything.

All right. Let's go.

Spread out!

Certainly.

I'm not going in there
dressed like this.

Roseanne, you're
being ridiculous.

You took off your nose
and your ears.

Take off your costume.

I'll never get it back on.

Just get in here.
You look adorable.

You really think so?

Get in here.

Oh, I left my purse in the car.

Here's a quarter.

Call Dan, and we can
get out of here.

I feel like I'm having
one of them dreams

where you go to school
in your underwear.

Come on.
It's Halloween.

I'm the only person here
in a costume.

Hello.
Who is this, Eddie?

Oh, Arnie.

Listen, is Dan around?

Could you find him

and tell him that
the car broke down

and to pick me and
Jackie up at the Lobo?

Tell him to hurry.

Trick or treat to you,
too, Arnie.

This will be a while.

We should wait in the car.

It's freezing outside.
I'll buy you a drink.

Ok.

A little help.

What can I get you?

I'll have a white wine.

What about you, fella?

Come on, pal.
I'm busy here.

What are you drinking?

[Deep voice]
Give me a beer.

Don't do this.
You'll embarrass us.

Call me Bob.

White wine for the lady,

and a beer for you, pal.

So, uh, how's
the action in here?

Oh.

Action?

Chicks.

I don't know, fella.

Ladies bowling league
comes at : .

: , huh?

Good thing I brought my
little squeeze box with me.

Oh...

You're such a pig.

Yeah, but that's why you
like me, right, honeybunch?

That'll be bucks.

Pay the man, doll.

Well, why should I pay?

You're the man.
You pay.

You know I left
my purse in the car.

Oh, all right.
I'll pay for you again.

I don't know why

I always am attracted
to these losers.

Gee, it must be her
time of the month.

Now I know why you're single.

You're such a lousy date.

Look, Bob, I'm going
to go call Dan again.

Fine.

I'm going to mingle.

No, don't. Don't.
You're not serious.

Me and the guys, we're
going to hang out.

You got a problem
with that, babe?

Excuse me.

Um,

you know,
you could do much better.

I don't see you here
with anybody.

You're kidding me?

Honest to god.

This broad was so hot,

I thought she was
going to k*ll me.

Yeah.

Badda-bing
badda-boom.

So then,

she brings out this
suitcase full of sex toys,

and I'm thinking,
this broad is freaky.

As long as you're getting
your battery charged,

what's the damn difference?

While you're getting
your car washed,

you might as well
get the hot wax.

I want to know what
she wants with you

when she's got a suitcase
full of sex toys.

That supposed to be a joke?

Ok.

Oh.

Well, anyway...

We were going pretty good,

and I was catching my groove,

doing what makes me me,

and then her roommate walks in

and says,
"can I join you?"

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, right.

I mean, way to go!

Then her roommate takes
off all her clothes,

and I got both of
them to deal with.

Hold on a minute.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you making this stuff
up as you go along?

You calling me a liar?

No.

Badda-boom
badda-bing.

Yeah, oh, I mean, long as
you're getting your, uh...

Cue chalked, it don't
matter what ball you hit.

Did I mention these
girls were, uh,

these girls were coeds...

Then just keep an eye
out for him, ok?

Hurry up.

Bye.

What?

Oh, man.

What?

Man, it was awesome.

It reminds me of that movie

where that lady hung out
with the gorillas,

but they accept her
as one of their own.

Cool. What did
they talk about?

Well, ok, the head gorilla,

he's like standing around
telling these sex stories,

and the less dominant gorillas

are just standing around
believing it.

What's so new about that?

I think I figured out
why they do it.

Do tell.

If one of them has sex,

it seems like the rest
have a chance, too.

So you think that's it?

It gives them a feeling
of hope and pride.

Order me another beer.

Why? Where
are you going?

I'm going to the men's room.

No, Roseanne.
Don't go in there.

Don't do it.

I'm just going to go
update your phone number.

God, it stinks in here.

Ahh.

Aah.

So how you doing?

Fine.

You watch that, uh,
Blackhawks game on TV?

No.

Oh, you're a Bulls fan, eh?

Oh, I get it.

It's like being in an elevator.

Aaauuugh!

Give me a break.

How you doing,
Mr. Thompson?

Hi, girls.

This is even lamer
than last year.

But did you see that Freddy
Krueger guy checking me out?

Beck-head, there were
Freddy Kruegers.

Which one are you referring to?

The cute one.

This is just great.

Rosie called.
Her car broke down.

She and Jackie need to be
picked up at the Lobo.

Aw, man.

That stupid car.
Hey, Arn?

Yo.

I... who are you
supposed to be?

I'm Elvis' ghost, man.

[Imitating curly]
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Let's go pick up your mom.

Where's D.J.?

I saw him in the chamber
of everlasting horror.

Yeah, whining about
that stupid broom.

Oh, jeez. You guys
wait here, ok?

D.J.

Deej.

Aagh!

Hey, Jimmy,
you seen D.J.?

No, Dan, I haven't seen him.

Deej.

Deej.

D.J.

Hey, Andy,

you seen my boy?

He's dressed up
like a w... wizard.

Give it up, Dan.
The kid's a witch.

Andy, you got three boys.

This is a phase, right?

Oh, yeah. The kid
hits a certain age,

he does weird stuff.

I think D.J.'s hiding.

I probably traumatized him.

He just wanted a broom

so he could pretend to fly.

That probably means
he wants to be a pilot.

You can't turn everything
he does into a career.

It means more to you
than to him.

Yeah, but some kid
might deck him.

We were kids.
We survived, right?

Look at us now.

Dad.

D.J.?

Dad?

D.J. Where you been,
boy?

Scaring people.

Yeah? Well,
you scared me.

I didn't know where you were.

You mad at me?

Nah.

You mad at me?

Nah.

All right. Let's go
get you a broom.

Ok.

Whenever my old lady gives
me crap about equality,

I just tell her,
you're so equal,

let's see you pee on a campfire.

Hey, uh, Bob,

looks like your old lady
just found a new fireman.

Well, we got
an open relationship.

That 'cause you can't
keep her in line?

Well, it's harder to control a
woman who ain't inflatable.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Yo, bitch!

You're making me look bad

in front of the other guys.

I don't see any ring
on this finger.

Hi, Jackie.

Hi... Crystal?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to drown my sorrows.

Get me a pink squirrel.
Keep them coming.

I had a terrible date,
and it's my fault.

I could have ordered chicken,

which was reasonably priced,

but I had to have
the surf and turf,

signaling I owed him something.

When I was not
accommodating, he dumped me.

Stop blaming yourself
for everything.

You got a right to eat

without letting some guy
put you on the menu.

You're better than that.

Really?

You got to tell yourself
you're a quality woman

and stop judging yourself
according to what men think.

What's your name?

Don't you recognize me?

Well, refresh my memory.

Where might we have met?

At Roseanne's house?

Roseanne?

Trick or treat.

Well, of course,
I knew it was you.

No, you didn't.

I was playing along.

No. You were ready
to sleep with me.

I was going to make you
buy me dinner first.

Hello, girls.

Bob.

Hey.

Of course you ladies
recognize Warren Beatty.

You want to dance?

I'm talking with my friends.

Maybe some other time.

You'd rather sit with burl Ives

than dance with me?

Let's dance.

No, thank you.

I'm not going to bite you.

Unless you want me to.

Oh, Hardy har har.

Hey, nobody's talking to you.

Come on, let's dance.

No. Leave her alone.

I'll dance with him.

You will not.
Sit down!

I'm sick of you.

You've been in my face
all night.

Just take a hike.

Who's going to make me?

Yeah, that's real grown up.
Fight about it.

Fine with me.

Come on, fat boy.
Let's take it outside.

Well, she...
She started it.

Ok, ok, I have to
tell you something.

I'm a woman.

You're going to be
when I'm done.

Hey.

Leave him alone.

What's it to you?

He's my husband.

What?

Anybody that messes with
him, messes with me.

Did you want to mess with me?

No way.

Oh, my hero.

Oh, here's a real man for you.

That beard kind of tickles.

Badda-boom badda-bing.