03x20 - Her Boyfriend's Back

[bunniefuu]

I know, Dan.
That's the throttle.

Which is...

Uh, like the gas.

And this is...

The brake.

Which is...

Like the brake.

And...

You don't ever want me to use
the two of them together.

Because...

Because it could rip a
hole in time and space,

and...

We end up
in a parallel universe.

Correct.

I can't wait till tomorrow

to really lay some rubber.

Look, why don't
we just tool around

in the parking lot
at the K-Mart first?

What? You don't think
I can handle this thing?

No. It's not that,
honey.

This is a very special bike.

Yes, I know you love your bike.

You spend more time with this
thing than you do with me.

Honey, don't get upset.

Well, it's true, Dan.

I was talking to the bike.

Well, I'm tired of
being the biker chick.

I want the wind to hit
my body first, you know.

I want the insects
to splat across my face.

Come on, you get on the back.

Come on.

Mmm!

Wow!

Suddenly I feel like
Ann-Margaret

in Kitten with a Whip.

[Horn honks]

Look, our favorite fun couple...

Becky and
anybody-but-that-guy.

Oh, man, he makes my skin crawl.

Oh, honey, put on
your best fake smile.

Hi, kids.

Hey, guys, check out this car.

Well, well, well.
Hey, Mark.

What happened to your truck?

It's my buddy's car.
He's selling it.

Beck said you're looking
to get her a car.

Oh, we are?

Mom, this car is cherried out.

I mean, the frame is
righteous, no bondo,

V- , tilt tr*nny.

No bondo?

Not even a little?

[Hood unlatches]

Wow.

Dad, the motor's in really good shape.
Look at it.

Mark did the work himself.

I put in brakes, shocks,
rebuilt the carburetor.

Probably made
the license plates.

Hey, check out the tuna boat.

I want to sit in it.

Just look at the size
of the back seat.

Just put a mirror
on the ceiling.

Shut up, Darlene.

Looks like
you retooled the heads.

Yeah. New valves,
seals, everything.

Nice work.

And it's only $ , .

Thanks for bringing it by.

Come on.
Think about it.

I won't need to
bug you for your car.

Mom, you won't
be driving me around

or worrying about me
banging up your car.

We like all that stuff.

You got a nice bike.
Ever think of selling it?

Actually, I'm planning
on being buried with it.

So, what about the car?

We'll talk, inside.

[Engine starts]

D.J.

Starts good.

Listen, thanks
for bringing the car over.

No problem.

What, is he going to
mail you your tongue back?

It breaks down
to about $ a month.

This isn't your territory.

Yes, but Becky's my sister.

What touches her touches me.

So she gets a car, you
get one when you're ?

You don't want me to think
she's your favorite.

Well, I can live with that.

What about you, Dan?

Hey, can we talk about me now?

This is really important to me.

I'll get a job after school.

Well, now, there's a start.

If we all start
socking it away now,

maybe we can swing it by summer.

Summer? Lend me the money
now, and I'll pay you back.

Geez, it's like $ , , Becky,

and that doesn't
count insurance.

I know how you feel.

When I was , I was dying
for my dad to buy me

this gorgeous ' Barracuda.

It had these yellow racing
stripes on this purple body.

Get out of the "way
back" machine.

Look, I have bucks saved up.

Where? You only got like
in your sock drawer.

Mother.

I got like bucks
you can borrow, Beck.

That'll just leave
you guys with , .

So, what's in it for you?

Well, I lend you the money,

interest-free,

and then when I'm ,
we share the car.

You think I'd share a car with you?
No way.

Then forget it.

Junior miss can take
the bus till she's .

I don't see why I'm always
the one in this family

who has to make the sacrifices.

Oh, yeah, right. Let's sell
the villa in France, Dan.

We hardly ever use it.

If you guys really wanted
to help me, you could.

I hate it
when she gets like this

and there's nothing to eat!

I feel bad I can't
afford to buy her a car.

Oh, she'll live.

She can use one of ours
at night and on weekends.

But that was the one
she really wanted.

She didn't even know
she wanted a car

till he put her up to it.

Before she met him,

the only thing she wanted out
of life was to see us dead.

That's not good enough
for her now.

She's got to have a car, too.

Well...

I miss the old days.

All right, I've been waiting
years for this moment.

Today you are mine.

Come to mama.

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ head out
on the highway ♪

♪ born to be wi-i-i-ild ♪

♪ born to be wi-i-i-ild ♪

Honey, honey, honey,
honey, honey, honey,

honey, honey, look, look.

Before I take you out...

And I promise
I would and I will...

There's one thing you got
to know about this bike...

It's mine!
Get off it!

Oh, take a major
chill pill, daddy-o.

Me and this hog are going
out to tear up the highway.

Now, you can either come with
us or you can eat my dust.

Maybe I should ride it
out of town first.

Then you can take over
on the open road.

You're just afraid
your low-life buddies

will see you riding on the
back and think you're a wuss.

Right. Move.

Ok.

Hey, let's pop a wheelie.

Ohh. Ok, ready?

Ready.

Hang on.

Ok.

[Engine starts]

[Revving]

Wow. This will be even more
fun once we start moving!

[Engine stops]

Now what's the matter?

Something's wrong with the bike.

What? It's not nearly as
noisy as it was yesterday.

I like it noisy.
I keep it noisy.

Somebody's been messing
around with it,

like somebody who knows
about carburetors.

Becky, get down here now!

What's going on?

Weren't you going to take
your brother to the movies?

It doesn't start for an hour.

Walk slow.

I thought you were going.

Did you and Mark
take out my Harley?

Answer me.

Yeah.

You are never to touch that bike.
You know that.

You said I could have a car, then
took both of them last night.

So that's supposed to
make it all right?

Dad, the bike's fine.

Mark even adjusted the
carburetor for you.

I never asked your punk
boyfriend for a tune-up,

and I never gave you permission
to take that bike out! Ever!

All right, so I screwed up again.
I'm sorry.

Don't tell me, Becky.
It's not my bike.

Ok, I'm sorry. It was
a stupid thing to do.

It was way beyond stupid.

You know what this bike
means to me,

but you go behind my back
and take it.

If I would've asked, you
would've said no anyway.

That's right!
What does that tell you?

Fine. So how long
am I grounded for?

You don't get it, do you?

This isn't some
stupid curfew you broke.

Dad...

No! You've given us crap
for months now.

I've been on your side.

I fought with your mom
over you seeing Mark.

I worked on this car deal.

I'm tired of bending over
backwards for you, Becky.

So, if I'm not grounded,
then what?

I don't know...
Uh, nothing.

What's the point?
You do what you want anyway.

Dad, I said I'm sorry.

Just get the hell
out of my sight.

So, now you're
going to be a masseuse?

How did you decide that,

open the phone book to
the middle and point?

I'm just sending off
for more information.

And it's not masseuse.

It's massage therapist.

So what?

When people ask
what my sister does,

I have to say that she
rubs people for money.

Shut up and give me a stamp.

Good morning.

Hey, Dan, Jackie's going
to learn to be a masseuse

through the mail.

Geez, Jack, what happen?

Your sea monkeys die?

Can I get a little
support around here?

Oh... We're sorry.

Hey, guess what?

Jackie's going to be a mass...

Shut up!

Uh, it's ok.
Go ahead, dad.

I got to get to the job site.

So, what are you
going to do today, Becky?

Go to the library. I've
a report due Monday.

Dan, maybe you could
drop her off.

The library?

I don't know.

Yeah, sure, you do.

Remember it from high school?

That...

That big brick building
we used to smoke behind.

I'm late. Bye-bye.

Bye, dad.

I'll give you a ride, Becky.

No. That's ok.

I'll see you later.

Damn.

It's that Mark.

Oh, here we go.

What are you doing?

You finished breakfast.

Why don't you go rub somebody?

Look, if it was going to
make you that crazy,

why did you let Becky see Mark?

I didn't! Dan did!

You agreed.

Well, she's just going to
see him anyway.

So you caved.

No, we didn't cave... ok.
Ok, we did cave,

but on our terms.

Roseanne.

I hate that kid.
He drives me nuts.

Them two pieces of hair
he's got going on his face,

well, I hate those pieces
of hair, both of them.

Sometimes I just sit
up there in that chair

and try to figure out
which one I hate worst!

You're losing it.

Oh, catch up, Jackie.

I have already lost it.

And now...

Now...

There are no doughnuts!

[Knock on door]

Oh, man.

What do you want?

Well...

I want to know what's the
deal between you and Becky.

Why ask me?
Why not ask her?

'Cause I don't know her anymore.

Ever since you, she lies,
ran away from home.

You got her
stealing motorcycles.

Tell me, Mark, what's next?

You know, just so
I'm not surprised.

I figure we'd knock over a
convenience store, but don't worry.

I'll have her back
by : .

You think that's so funny,
don't you, you little punk?

This is my place.

If you're going to talk to
me like that just leave.

Stop seeing her.

No.

Why?

Why, Mark?

Are you sleeping with her?

Because if you are,
you'll be in jail so fast

you won't know what hit you.

She's , and you're .

In case you don't know,
that's illegal, buddy.

[Opens flip-top can]

I don't know why I'm asking you.

I don't believe nothing you say.

I don't care.

You have nothing
in common with her.

I like her.

Why?

What do you mean, why?
Don't you?

Don't give me that crap.

It's not crap. I like
her, and she likes me.

You can thr*aten me and your
husband can thr*aten me,

but it won't change a
thing, and you know that.

Yeah, I do know it.

I can't compete with you, Mark.

I'm only her mother.

I hope you really do
care about her.

Mrs. Conner.

Tell your husband he shouldn't
open his carb all the way up

unless he's tooling around
at some high altitude.

Yeah, well, the next time
we're discussing carbs,

I'll be sure to bring that up.

That's much better.

The bike sounds pretty bad, dad.

The secret's opening
the carb all the way.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Hey there, Beck face.

Hey.

Hey, Darlene, how about
one of the old man's

patented chocolate chip
milk shakes?

Sure. I could
use the rush.

Ok, let's see...

Ice cream, chocolate syrup...

Skim milk.

I think we're all set.

Blender.

Blender.

Ok. Excuse me.

Darlene, what's your pleasure?

Thick thick, medium thick,

or thin thick?

Medium thick.

All right.

Chicken.

Ok, stand back. Let the
doctor do his work.

Becky.

What's up?

Do you want a milk shake?

Thick thick...

Ok.

Listen, I got an idea.

Why don't I cut out
the silent treatment

and you can forget
that I'm your father

and treat me like a human being?

Deal?

Look, dad, I'm really sorry...

I know.

So, what have you been up
to the last couple of days?

Still like this Mark guy?

Y-yeah. I know you think it
was his idea about the bike,

but it was mine.

I know. It's that
rebel Conner thing.

It runs in the family.

I want you to know
I won't stand for it.

I just don't want you
to hate Mark, you know.

I don't hate Mark.

Mom does.

Oh, mom definitely hates him.

Definitely.

Hate.

Mom does, yes.

Why? She doesn't
even know him.

She's afraid of him, Becky.

You see, when she was ,

this guy pulled into her
driveway with a motorcycle.

And, god, your grandma
hated that guy.

And I think that's half the
reason your mom married him.

Dad, I'm not going to marry him.

Geez, I'm years old.

That's exactly what
she told her folks.

Here we are.

I... I mean it, dad.

I'm way too young
to think about marriage.

Anyway, I'd have to
live with him first.

Excuse me a moment.

Dad, cut it out.

You know I want to go to
Europe, go to college,

and have a career and stuff.

Well, how would we know that?

I mean...

The last time
you and I talked like this

you wanted to be
a fairy Princess.

I guess it's been a while.

Yeah. From what we've been
hearing, your whole life is Mark.

Well, it's not.

Well, tell your mom that.

Thick thick?

Yeah.

Dad.

It's been a long time
for that, too.

Too thick, Beck?

Uh, I think I just broke a rib.

Here. Try a spoon.

Thanks.

You bet.

Oh, gross.

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Not much.

Dad and Becky made up,

and they're being so nice
to each other it's pathetic.

Is that your, uh,

world-famous
chocolate chip shake, Dan?

Thick thick.
Want one?

Nope. I'm back
on my diet.

You know she's coming back.

Ah, what the hell?

Oh, that feels great.

Yeah. See?
I'm good at this.

I could make it a career.

Ow!

What?

Jackie.

Let me check the manual.

Ok...

Do you have any feeling
in your left side?

Yeah.

Ok. Good.
That was close.

Let me try...

Try this again.

No. I don't want to
do it anymore.

Come on. You're just tense.
Work with me.

There ought to be a spot
right about...

Ahh...

There.

See?

Mark that page.

All right.

Now...

Just relax.

Let all the worries go.

Ahh.

That's it.

Oh. All right.

Why don't you tell me
about the trip

that you and Dan took
on the bike?

Oh, it was just
awesome, you know.

There we were going
down the highway...

Dan sitting behind me,
totally helpless,

hoarse from screaming.

There. Now, all those
muscles are loose.

All the tension's gone.

[Horn honks]

Hi, Beck.

Hi. Bye.

Where are you going?

Out with Mark.

I'm tense!
I'm tense!