02x08 - Conversation Over a Corpse

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Tonight, we offer you
a generous portion of mystery,

a pinch of comedy,

just a soupcon
of a commercial,

all seasoned by a few
irrelevant comments
from your host.

As you may know,
food is a hobby of mine.

I don't claim to be
an expert cook,

but I am rather a good eater.

If you will wander
into my kitchen,

I'll allow you to watch me
as I concoct some delicacy
to tempt your palate.

I cannot abide
careless cookery.

Let me see. I've...

I've just added
cc's of sugar.

All that is left is to add
the white of one egg.

And by the white,
I do not refer

to the clear gelatinous
substance inside.

Naturally, I mean the shell.

This is where most
amateur cooks make
their mistakes.

While you are waiting
for me to finish,

I suggest you turn
your attention

to tonight's story.

It is called,

"Conversation Over A Corpse. "

It sounds like perfect
dinner conversation.

Who laughed
with delight...

You... Frown...

In the old church yard...

Gave her a smile...

And trembled...

And alone...

Oh, it's you, Joanna.

Who else would it be?

Oh, those are the cookies
you're going to serve.

Yes, Joanna.

Sprinkle them with cinnamon.
Then he won't taste the tea.

Do you really think
we ought to do this, Joanna?

After all, Mr. Brenner's
a very nice man.

Mr. Brenner is not
a nice man.

There's nothing
nice about him.

He wants to cheat us
out of this house.

Cissie, do you want
to move out of our home?

Oh, no.

No, why, I wouldn't know
where to go.

At our age, we have roots.

We don't want
to pull them up and move.

But we did sign
the option. Or, you did.

We didn't have
any money then, did we?

Now we have.

Since the insurance policy
money came,

we can live well
for the rest of our lives.

But you did sign the option,

and Mr. Brenner does want
this house so much.

Mr. Brenner won't
want anything when
I've finished with him.

Oh, Cissie,
when you serve the tea,

make sure that
it brews long enough

for the capsules to melt.

It won't hurt
poor Mr. Brenner, will it?

Mr. Brenner
is cheating us.

He's always
cheated everyone.

He wants to tear
this house down.

I don't see why anyone
would want to tear
this house down.

It's not more than
years old,

and it's in very
good condition.

No, Joanna, no,
I don't think
I want to do this.

We'll just give Mr. Brenner
his money back and that's
all there'll be to it.

I've told you time
and time again that
you're to do as I say.

You're hurting me, sister.
You're hurting my wrist.

I want it understood
that you're to do
as I say.

Very well, sister,
but you're hurting
me terribly.

If you had an ounce
of common sense,
you would realize

that we can't
give Mr. Brenner
his money back.

He has a signed option
and he wants his property.

I just don't seem
to understand
business, Joanna.

No, you don't
understand anything.
You're very stupid.

I suppose I am.

Without me, you would
have been put out
of here long ago

and ended
in the poor house.

I don't want that.

Then do as I say.

Yes, Joanna, yes.
I'll do as you say.

We'll give Mr. Brenner
the tea,

and he'll just
go gently to sleep.

Won't he?

Yes, he'll sleep.

Just so he feels nothing,
there's no pain.

I don't like pain, Joanna.

You hurt me that time.

It's the only way
I can make you understand.

But I do like Mr. Brenner.

At least, I think I do.

That man understands
and appreciates nothing
but money.

Money, money, money.

, , , , , ,
$ , , Mr. Brenner.

Yeah, and that's more money
than those two old dames
have seen in their lives.

Seems a shame to tear down
that old house.

I'll have them out
of there in a week.

And the day after,
I'll tear the place down.

Just the same,
it seems a shame.

I've been after that property
for years.

For a while I thought I'd have
to k*ll them to get it.

I might have to, at that.

Good afternoon,
Mrs. Cushing.

Very nice of you ladies
to feed me.
And such good cookies, too.

Do you like
the tea, Mr. Brenner?

Oh, fine, fine.

It's a special blend
we use for guests.

Well, now ladies,

suppose we get
right down to business.

It's a shame to spoil
such a nice talk
with business.

Well, it's a world
of business, Miss Enright.

You know, keep
the wheels turning,

your nose to the grindstone.

Just when do you ladies expect
to move out of the house?

Move out?

Well, yes, you'll find it
mighty uncomfortable

to be sitting here
while they tear down
the place around you.

Tear it down?
Tear down this house?

Cissie... She's very
easily upset.

So I see.

Well, I thought
you understood

I wanted the land
the house is built on,

not the house itself, no.

That must come down.

Frankly, Mr. Brenner,
we've changed our minds.

Well, you can't do that.

This is an option,
you signed it.

I gave you money
and you accepted it.
You must realize...

But, Mr. Brenner...
Cissie.

Option or no option,
Mr. Brenner,

we are not going
to sell this house.

Oh, but you must!

As a matter of fact, you did!

You're getting
so upset, Mr. Brenner.

Have another cup of tea.

No, no, thank you.

I'll take you both to court.

I'll have everybody
laughing at you.

They'll put you away!

I don't know what's
the matter with me. I...

I'm so tired.
I can't seem to...

Cissie, clear away
the tea things.

Don't you think
Mr. Brenner should have
another cup of tea?

He doesn't need it.

What did you do to me?

You have just taken
enough poison to k*ll
men, Mr. Brenner.

Catch him, Cissie!

I'm sure it isn't
going to hurt
a bit, Mr. Brenner.

There. That's done.

He doesn't look
very comfortable.

Clear away
the tea things, Cissie,

and be sure to wash
each cup thoroughly.

I don't see why
I have to hurry, so.

I want to look
at Mr. Brenner some more.

Cissie, will you please
do as I say?

Shall I read Mr. Brenner's
tea leaves?

He has no future.
He's dead.

Oh.

Now what?

Nothing.

What do you mean, "Nothing"?
Answer me.

Why, Joanna,
your tea leaves say "Death. "

Oh, you've just mixed
the cups, that's all.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, you never finish anything.

Now, let me see.

Is that everything?

Well, yes, I think so.
Everything, that is,
except Mr. Brenner.

Doesn't he look natural?

Now, what are we
going to do?

With everything so rushed

and you distracting me
with those tea leaves,

I just can't think
of everything!

We've got to do
something about him!

Well, we could put
something over him.

Cissie, please.
We've got to dispose of him!

Well, let me think.

We could bury him
in the cellar.

That happens to have
a cement floor.

We could bury him
in the wood shed.

Yes, we could ask Barney
to dig a hole

when he comes to do
the yard next week.

We have to dig
the hole now!

Now, go and get
the shovel and start.

I can't dig a big hole
like that, Joanna.

You know that it would
take me all night.

Very well, then,
I'll do it.

Do you think he's really dead?

Isn't he
supposed to be stiff?

Give the man time, Joanna.

He's awfully heavy.

Maybe we could take him
out in sections.

Sections?

Oh. But wouldn't that
be terribly untidy?

I mean, mama's rug.

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

Oh, what a nuisance
it all is.

Maybe we could drop him
down the old well.

It doesn't have a cover on it.

But we could put lots
of things on top of him

and then we don't need
to divide him up,

we could just drop him in.

Yes, let's do it
right quickly.

You take one foot,
and I'll take the other.

He's alive!

Oh.

Oh, what a nuisance
this is.

Now we have to k*ll
him again, somehow.

Why doesn't anything
ever go right?

Now what am I going
to do?

Well, why don't
you suggest something?

You're in this
as much as I am!

All right, Joanna!

I've got an idea.

If I could
only get up, move,
do something.

Here's papa's elephant g*n.

He always kept it loaded.

It's much too noisy.

I'll get something.

My, now he can wiggle
his eyebrows.

There, this is better,
I think.

Joanna, mama's rug.

It would ruin mama's rug.

Oh, yes, I didn't
think of that.

A blunt instrument.
That's what they always use.

We must get
a blunt instrument.

Blunt instrument.

I have it, Joanna!
I have something!

Hurry, Joanna,
he just moved his head.

I'm coming.

Here. What do you think
of this?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not blunt enough.

Here, this is better.

I suppose so.

Well, of course it is.

Here. Well, go ahead
and hit him.

Well, hit him!

I can't.
He keeps rolling
his eyes at me.

Oh, very well then,
I'll do it.

Now you see
what you've done.

I can't do it either.

We've got to think
of something else.

There must be some
neat way of doing it.

If just a little
will k*ll a fly,

a whole can should
do Mr. Brenner.

It'll be neat
and very sanitary, too.

Now, see what you've done.
You stirred him up.

He's coming to.
We've got to do
something quickly!

We could poison him again.

But we've used up
all the capsules.

I know, weed k*ller.

We didn't use it all
on the roses.

There's some
still in the shed.
I'll get it quickly.

Meantime, you come
right here, Cissie,
and watch him.

If he moves,
hit him on the head
with this.

Cissie, get police.

Oh, I couldn't do that.
It wouldn't be right.

Look, your sister's
out of her mind.

Don't you say that.
Don't you dare say that!

She was talking
about taking me out
in sections.

Oh. Oh, you mean her.

She isn't my sister.

What do you mean?

Her name is Abigail.

She came here to take care
of my sister, Joanna,
almost years ago.

Papa was dead then
and mama didn't live long
afterwards,

and then they took
my real sister, Joanna, away,

and I was very unhappy
about it.

Yes, but call the police.

Mr. Brenner, you are not
being very polite.

I haven't finished
telling you about Joanna.

Never mind. Please.

Then Abigail said
it would be better

if we moved and she'd say
she was my sister

and then people
wouldn't make cruel remarks.

I don't like cruel people,
Mr. Brenner.

They upset me very much.

Oh, if you'd only
call the police.

You know, I think Abigail
has been pretending

to be Joanna for so long,
she believes it.

Sometimes, I find it hard
to remember she isn't
my real sister, too.

But she's cruel.

She's like you.

She's cruel
and not nice at all.

I don't see how I can keep her
from k*lling you, Mr. Brenner.

If I could only move,
get up, do something.

Yes, it's a pity.

Because in a little while,
when it's too late,

you will be able to move.

You see, I only put
half the amount

of powder in your tea
that she intended.

That's why
you're not dead yet.

Half the amount?

Oh, yes.

If I hadn't,
you'd never have
regained consciousness.

Cissie, you...
You saved my life.

I don't like
to see people suffer.

If you helped me once,
why can't you do it again?

I'm afraid you'd take
my house away
from me, Mr. Brenner.

Oh, no, no, I swear I won't.
I swear it.

How do I know
I can believe you?

Cissie, Cissie,
there's plenty of it.

And it says on the label,
" % arsenic. "

How do you think we ought
to give it to him?

Oh, with orange juice,
I should think.

That's the way I always
take those nasty medicines.

Cissie, you've got
to help me.

My, you're doing very well.

Come closer, come closer.

Don't you see what Joanna's
trying to do?

Oh, yes, she's going
to poison you again.

No.

She's going to say
it was you who k*lled me,
that it was all your doing.

Oh, she wouldn't do that.

Of course she will.
You know that.

She's going to have
you declared incompetent,

and then she'll have
you put away.

No, she mustn't.

Then you'll lose
your house, money,
everything.

What can I do?

Hand me that g*n, please.

There. That will do it,
I think.

Joanna,

is it true you're going
to say I was the one
who k*lled Mr. Brenner?

What?

And are you going
to tell people I did it
because I'm insane?

Whatever put
such a silly idea
into your head?

Well, I've thought
for a long time

that you wanted me
to be put away
in a sanitarium,

like they did
my real sister.

Someone gave you that idea.
Who was it?

Mr. Brenner.
We had a very nice chat.

Cissie, you're not
making this up?

Oh, no.

He's feeling much better,

and I think he's going
to take our house
away from us.

Don't you think you'd better
do something about it?

Oh.

Obscure and alone...

Of a granite so gray...

Oh, my.

Is Joanna dead, Mr. Brenner?

She tried to k*ll me
with that ax.

My, my, she always
was an impatient one.

Better call the police.

Yes. I think the police
should know about this.

But first, let me ask
you something, Mr. Brenner.

You won't take my house away
from me now, will you?

Oh, well, of course,
I'll give you a fair
price for it.

Enough for you to buy
a little, little place
out in the suburbs somewhere.

You don't want a house
as big as this
all by yourself.

I brought you a drink,
Mr. Brenner.

I thought it would
give you strength.

What is it?
Whiskey.

It's very good.
It's been on the shelf
for years.

Whiskey? Why, Cissie,
you're a marvel.

Oh, that'll fix me up.

Yes, it will, won't it?

Now, don't you want
to call the police?

Yes, I'll call the police.

Never forget you
for this, Cissie.

Just never forget
you for it.

Hello? Get me the police.

Yeah, quick.

Who is this? Oh, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant, this is Brenner,

Herbert Brenner,
the real estate man.

I'm at the Enright home.

Tell them Joanna
isn't my sister.

Just a minute.

What?

Tell them Joanna
isn't my sister

but a cruel woman
who made me say she was.

Okay.

And tell them that
I helped you

and it was Joanna
who gave you the poison

and tried to m*rder you.

Okay, okay.

Lieutenant, Joanna Enright
was a phony.

She wasn't Cissie's sister.

She was some sort
of a nurse that muscled
her way into the house.

What's that?
Oh, she's dead.

I k*lled her,

just as she was about
to m*rder me with an ax.

Of course I'm sober.

A little groggy, that's all.

Some sort of poison
Joanna put in
the cup of tea.

Tell them I was the one
who helped you.

Cissie saved me.

If it hadn't been for me,
you'd be dead now.

Yeah, dead now.

I... I can't hold head up
much longer.

That stuff that Joanna
gave me...

Thank you, Mr. Brenner,
for telling the police
exactly what happened.

My, my, I hope they hurry.
Everything's so upset.

She was no sissy.
As a matter of fact,
that was her downfall.

She wanted to steady
her nerves before
the police came,

so she took a flew slugs.

Very sad.

Except for the newspapers
who detected a love triangle.

The picture papers had
more fun than at a hanging.

Well, so much for tonight's
cooking demonstration.

I hope I've made
everything clear.

Next time, I shall
show you how to prepare
an exotic delicacy,

White hunter à la Mau Mau.

You'll be the talk
of your neighborhood.

I shall also reveal one
of my own culinary secrets,

how to remove the wrapper
from a frozen food package

without tearing
the directions.

Good night.