02x20 - Malice Domestic

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

the first case
on today's docket is entitled

"Malice Domestic. "

I hasten to add, however,
that "Malice Domestic"

is not about
the servant problem,

nor is it a puff
for imported wines.

It is concerned
with some mysterious doings

in a family of three.

Carl Borden, his wife Annette,

and their charming dog,
Cassandra.

To give you a clearer picture
of exactly what happened,

we now transport you
to the scene of the crime

where we shall reenact it.

Oh. There you are,
Lorna.

Been looking
all over for you.

Thank you.
Thanks.

We've got to have
a farewell drink together.

You've no idea
how much
we're going to miss you.

Town won't be the same
without you.

Well, I'll miss you, too.
All of you.

It's been wonderful
living here. I've made
so many friends.

We're counting
on absence making
the heart grow fonder.

That's the trouble
with a career.

The firm commands.
You can only obey.
But I love it.

We mustn't lose touch
with one another.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
Annette, she's not
going to Timbuktu.

San Francisco's only
miles.

I'll certainly be
coming to visit you,
if you'll have me.

I'll want to see how Cassandra
is getting along.

I'm so glad
you're taking her.

Cassandra.
What a name for a dog.

It's a shame
you have to
give her away.

Well, I can't have
a dog that big
in an apartment.

Well, you couldn't have
given us anything
that Carl would like better.

He adores all dogs.
With or without pedigrees.

You'll have to
tell me exactly
what she likes to eat.

Oh, she's not
at all finicky.

It's quantity with her,
not quality.

If you cook for her
the way you cook for me,

she'll put on pounds
in a week.

Carl's spoiled.
What more could a man want?

He's got a wife
that's an artist
in the studio

and an artist
in the kitchen.

It's his art
I'm worried about.

Afraid he'll become
so entranced with the dog,
he'll never finish his book.

Come September
and we'll have your publishers
howling across the country.

I hope you won't
find Cassandra
too much trouble.

She's quite housebroken.

I'm sure we won't.

Just be firm.
Treat her
as you do Carl.

No dog could
stand for that.

Let's have a dance.

We'll see you later.
Okay.

Well, if you can
stand spending
your last night

doing a last generation
fox trot, I'd be
a very happy partner.

Mr. Harrison,
I shall be delighted.

I'm going to
miss you.

That was
a wonderful party.

You know,
despite what she says,

I think
Lorna's really very glad

she's going
to San Francisco,
don't you?

Well, I suppose
if the firm's sending her,
she can't do much about it.

Where's that dog?
Cassandra?

Cassandra.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

A big thing like you
huddling there
in the corner.

You're just a big baby,
that's what you are.

We're going to be
good friends, aren't we?

Well, she certainly
seems to like you.

All the girls do.

Go on over
and shake hands
with the lady of the house.

Go on, Cassandra.
Come on, Cassandra.
Come on.

Go on, idiot girl.
Go on.

Carl?
Yeah?

Carl, can you
come here a moment?

All right.

Well,
what do you think?

That's beautiful, dear.

What color do you plan
to make the glaze?

Oh, some sort of
an antique green.

A celadon to carry out
the Chinese effect.

I really think that's
one of the best things
you've done.

How's your work coming?

Fine.

You'll be finished
by the th?

Well, I think so.

Carl,

I'd try very hard.

Not only
because of the deadline,

but this is a perfect time
for a story like this...

I'm writing
as fast as I can.

Yes. I'm sure you are.

Well, we'd both better
get back to our work.

Oh, you know what all work
and no play makes?

What's the matter,
darling?

I just wanted
your opinion
on my vase.

Something's wrong.
What is it?

It's nothing.

I've just been
working very hard and...

You know how I am
when I'm in one
of my creative moods.

Just tell me
what I've done.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Now, don't tell me
it's nothing.
It's been going on for weeks.

Ever since you came back
from that trip,
you've been different.

Carl, that's what
I've been thinking
about you.

You know,
I think we're two
very stupid people

imagining all sorts
of things that don't exist.

You mean there's
nothing really wrong?

Of course not,
you idiot.

Prove it.

Well, it just goes
to show you

two women can't
live happily
in the same house.

Oh, that was a
delicious dinner, Annette.

I still contend,
you're the best cook
in town.

You're always
so flattering, Perry.

You've no idea
what it does
to my morale.

How about a liqueur?

Oh, thanks.

Your usual green mint
over ice?

Yes, please.

How about you, darling?

You don't have
to ask me.

How's everything
at the bank, Perry?

I suppose
my investments are
losing money.

You know I look after them
as if they were my very own.

What's the matter?

A little indigestion,
I guess.

I'm all right now.

Hadn't you better call
Dr. Wingate?

No, no, no, it's nothing.
I'm all right now.
I'll get some ice.

You know,
you really do look ill.

Do you have
indigestion often?

No, but whenever
we have strawberry shortcake,
he always over-indulges.

That I can't deny.

Annette.

I'm playing golf on Tuesday.
How about having lunch
with me at the club?

I'd love to.

Oh, what are you
working on now?

Oh, a vase.
It's based after
an old Chinese design.

I think it's
one of the best things
she's ever done.

Oh? I'd like to buy it
when it's finished.

I'd like you
to have it, Perry.

Annette, do you seriously
think you can go on...

Hello, Ralph.
Can you come over
right away?

I've got a terrible pain
in my stomach.
I don't know what it is.

What is it?

Well, it could be a virus
or something he ate.

What did he
have for dinner?

A cold vichyssoise,
chicken cooked in a
wonderful wine sauce,

broccoli hollandaise
and strawberry shortcake.

Well, that's a little rich.
That's probably what it was.

But we'll run some tests
on you next week,
just to make sure.

Now you just
take it easy.

There's nothing serious,
is it, Ralph?

Oh, I don't think so.
Of course,
I'll know better next week.

Just see that he gets
some rest, Annette.

Yes. I will.

Annette? How about lunch?
: all right?

Yes, : 's fine.

Give you a lift,
Perry?

Oh, no thanks.
I have my own car.

Good night.

Yeah.

Carl, don't you think
you'd better go to bed?

In a minute.

What do you say, baby?
You want to go to bed now?

Hello, there.

Oh, hello, Ralph.

How's Carl?

Oh, he's feeling
much better.
It was nothing.

Well, just the same,
he should have a checkup.
We all should have.

Though I must say,
for somebody who's elbow deep
in clay all day long,

you're looking
remarkably well.

Oh, I have my clay days
and my good days.

This is
one of my good days.

Oh, have you had lunch?

No, thanks, I'm skipping it.
Weight. Taking my
own prescription.

Though, I will
have some coffee.

Well, fine.
Waiter, a cup
for Dr. Wingate, please.

Have you heard anything
from Lorna?

Yes, she telephoned
last night.

She adores San Francisco.

She wanted to know
all about Cassandra,
of course.

We must have talked
at least a half hour.

She wants us to come up
and stay with her.

Well, a change could
do you both good.

You haven't been feeding Carl
too much strawberry shortcake
again, have you?

No. I watch his diet
like a hawk.

Actually,
he's losing weight.

Good. Good.
I know how difficult that is.

Physician,
heal thyself.

You know,
on second thought,

I don't think
I'd better wait
for that coffee.

Well, if I intend doing
any work today,
I'd better get on home.

Oh, Perry, I'm going to
pay you a professional visit
in the next few days.

A few bad investments
I want to unload.

Listened to
too many patients
on stocks.

And since you're leaving,
Annette, I can drop you.

Oh, no. Don't bother.
You're in a hurry.

Well, got to make a
house call. Takes me
right past your place.

Well, if it's not
out of the way.

Thanks for lunch, Perry.
I'll talk to you later.

Perry.

Thank you, Ralph.

That's Cassandra.
Something must be wrong.

How do you feel now?

Better, thanks.

Ralph, what is it?

Oh, honey. I'm sorry
about that vase.

I was just putting it back
on the shelf
when I blacked out.

Oh, it doesn't matter.
What's wrong, Ralph?

Well, that's what
I'm trying to find out.

I want you to
stay in bed
for a couple of days.

I'm going to put him
on a light diet.

Fruit juices and soups,
nothing solid.

Light diet, my eye!

Annette likes to cook
and I like to eat. Do you
want to deprive us of...

Nothing solid,
understand?

Oh, don't worry
about that.

After all those tests
he gave me and those
gadgets he used,

I ought to be able
to eat anything.

You just behave and do
as your wife tells you.

Oh, I'll take you
to the door.

That's all right, Annette.
I can find my way out.

All right,
come on, baby. Come on, girl.
That's right. Come on.

Get up. Get up. Come on.
That's all right.
Come on over here.

Don't you think
you ought to
get some rest?

In a minute, honey.
In a minute.

Cassandra.
Hiya, baby.

Carl, you shouldn't be up.
You should have called me.

Oh, I feel fine.
A little sore, that's all.

But am I hungry.

I'll get you
some juice.

How about you, baby?
You had breakfast yet?

Hello? Oh, hello, Ralph.

How do you feel?

Fine.
Awfully hungry, though.

Haven't eaten yet?

No.

Good, don't.
I want to run another test
while the stomach is empty.

Oh, not again.

I'll be right over.

Oh, good morning,
Ralph.

Morning, Annette.
How's Carl?

He's feeling
much better.
He's working.

I brought him
some orange juice,

but he said that
you didn't want him
to have any yet.

That's right.
Oh, Annette.

I'd like to speak
to Carl alone,
if you don't mind.

Of course
I don't mind.

Good morning, Ralph.

Morning.

Well, what are you
looking so happy about?

Carl, I want you
to be serious
for a moment.

You were mighty sick
yesterday.

Oh, you're telling me.

You're lucky
not to be dead.

Where did you
have lunch yesterday?
What did you eat?

I ate at home.
Annette fixed me
a bowl of onion soup

before she went
out to lunch with Perry.

So you ate the soup
and soon after you were
seized with violent pains,

retching,
collapsed unconscious.
Right?

Yeah.

The report I got
from the laboratory
this morning

shows that you swallowed
at least a grain
and a half of arsenic.

A grain and a half?
That's quite a dose,
isn't it?

It could have
been fatal.

Well, how could I have
gotten any arsenic?
Fresh vegetables or something?

They spray 'em,
don't they?

They don't spray
with arsenic anymore.

Then there was that
other attack last week.
Remember?

Yeah.

You ate
at home then, too.

What are you hinting at?

I'm not hinting.
I'm telling you.

The chances against it
being accidental
are one in a thousand.

Someone is
feeding you arsenic.

If I didn't know you so well,
I'd break your neck.

I know
what you're driving at,
but you're wrong.

If I have been poisoned,
there's obviously some kind
of a weird accident.

Arsenic is easy to get, Carl.
Ant paste, weed k*ller...

All right,
I heard enough!

I'm sorry,
but I had to tell you.

I can't stop you
from thinking
your rotten thoughts,

but I can stop you
from talking and I will.

If you so much as breathe
a word of this to anyone,
I'll k*ll you.

And don't forget that,
because I mean it.

Goodbye, Ralph.

Goodbye, Carl.
I've told you.
Now it's up to you.

Carl?

Yeah?

What did he say?
What's wrong?

Oh, he just used
a lot of medical jargon.

I don't think
he knows any more
than I do.

I've got a nervous stomach,
that's all.
But now I feel fine.

You know what I think
we ought to do?

Go away on that vacation
we've been
promising ourselves.

Do you remember that lake
at the back of Tahoe
where we used to go?

Big Leaf Lake.

I think we're ready
for a little
lonesome fishing.

I think that's a great idea.
We'll start in the morning.

I'll be all right then.

Oh, but what about your vase?
Don't you want to
finish that first?

Come here. I want to
show you something.

Well?

What a beautiful color.

Why, I never saw
a green like that.

That's the secret
of my success,
mixing colors.

But how do you get
that translucent quality?

You won't go telling
my professional secrets,
will you?

No. I swear.

It's a copper glaze.

Remember when we were
in the south of France
last year?

Well, I went over
to Vallauris
to see their ceramics.

I learned this trick
from one of the artists
I met there.

I sprinkle a little
of something they call
Limoges Green

into the glaze
before I fire it.
And then...

Hello. Oh, Perry.
Yes. He's feeling much better.

And we're going
on a fishing trip tomorrow.

Yes. I'll call you
as soon as we get back.

Yes. Oh, sure.

Yes, we'll send you
a pretty picture postcard.

Okay. All right,
goodbye, dear.

That was Perry.

Well, I guess there's
no harm in the juice now.
You must be starved.

Annette,
do you love me?

Why, yes,
of course I do.

Why did you suddenly ask
a thing like that?

Here's to you, darling.

Carl?

Yeah?

Cup for the road.

Bags all packed?

All packed.

I want no complaints
out of you.

Oh, I forgot the sugar.

Now, you're going to
behave yourself at that kennel
while we're gone.

Oh, did you get
my fishing equipment?

You bet. That's
the most important part
of the luggage.

Remember the first time
we went to Lake Tahoe?

That log cabin
by the lake?

Yeah.

With the two bunk beds
and one blanket
for the two of us?

And I got cold...

Let's not talk
about the past.

Long live the future.

Better get the bags
in the car.

Come on, baby!

That's it,
come on. Come on.

All right.
Now, stop that. Come on.

And don't look at me
with those big, limpid eyes.

What goes on behind
those big sensitive eyes
of yours, huh?

Oh, if you could only talk.

A lot of privacy
a couple would
get then, wouldn't they?

I guess God knew what
he was doing when he made
man's best friend dumb.

Bless you for being dumb,
baby.

Oh, Annette, I don't
see the liquor here.

I remember seeing you
pack it, but...

Oh, I know,
it's in the study. Come on.

Honey, I forgot the...

I wish it had been me, Perry.

I can't understand it.

Take it easy, Carl.

Well, if it had to happen,
I'm glad it happened
this way.

You wouldn't let me
take care of you,
but the fates did.

Obviously,
she was over-confident.

Some little thing
distracted her attention

and she made the mistake

and drank the wrong cup
of coffee.

She poisoned herself
instead of you.

But she seemed so happy
with me.

We were going
on a trip together.

I don't want you to worry
about anything here.

There won't be
any unpleasant scandal
or publicity.

Nothing like that.

You see, I knew,

and in spite of
what you said
to me yesterday,

I told Chief Nichols.

Well, he and I talked
to the coroner

and they have agreed
to play it down
as much as possible.

I think you ought to
get away from here
as soon as you can,

away from this house,

make a complete break.

I took a big chance, baby,
but it worked.

The first time
I wasn't too sick

because I just took
a small dose of arsenic.

But that second time,
oh, oh...

That second time,
you almost lost me
altogether.

I tell you,
I was sick as a dog.

You are all wondering,
no doubt,

how Carl Borden
ended up in the jug.

It is quite simple.

His dog, Cassandra,
was really a detective
in disguise

and turned him in
at the next town.

It's getting so a man
can't even trust
his best friend.

This concludes this session
of our little court
of inhuman relations.

I hope you will rejoin us
when we next present
a different case.

Good night.