04x01 - A Bitter Pill to Swallow

[bunniefuu]

Was the baby up again
all night, Crystal?

Oh, yeah, but
I'm not complaining.

I'm seeing all kinds of things
you'd never see

if you were getting
any sleep at all.

Little Ed and I watch the sun
rise and set.

Rise and set.

And did you know

the big valley comes on
at : in the morning?

[Sobs]

And again at : ?

[Sobs]

Oh, come here, little Ed.

Come see your auntie--
sister-in-law--whatever--
Roseanne

While mommy has
her little breakdown.

What is wrong
with him?

Nothing wrong with him,
Crystal, he's just a baby.

Well, why won't he sleep?
I've tried everything.

Even the washing
machine.

You put him
in the washing machine?

No, Darlene. You put him
in his little baby seat

on the washer,
and the vibrations

are supposed
to soothe him
to sleep.

When you were a baby,

we couldn't afford
a washing machine,

so I took you
down to the river

and beat you
against a rock.

Why pick on me?

Did I take the last
doughnut or something?

Hey.

Hey, Becky. You want
some breakfast?

I was running over
to return Jackie's top.

Great. I'll put that
in with this load.

Oh, you're here.

Yeah, of course.

Good, 'cause I think
I have those earrings
I borrowed, too.

Which earrings?

I think they're yours.
Come up and see.

Oh, ok.

Great.

What's she going to go
griping to aunt Jackie
about?

It could be
a lot of things...
But it's always you.

Do you want a cigarette
with that?

No, I'm good.

Well, too much coffee
gives you the shakes,

And then you
cut yourself shaving.

[Baby cries]

Oh...what now?

I think he's hungry.

Here. Will you hold him
for a second?

Oh, gimme.

Gimme that baby.

Oh, you little it-ums
smell so good, don't you?

Your head smells so sweet.

Oh, head smells sweet.

Here. Smell his head,
Darlene.

Smell your uncle's head.

Get that thing
away from me.

Roseanne,
I'm exposed here.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, little ed.

We go see
what mommy's got
for breakfast.

Oh, shucks. It's
just milk again.

Come here, little ed.

Isn't you cute?

Well, I'm going
to get going.

You coming home
for dinner?

Depends on what
we're having.

Hi, Dan.

Hey, Crystal--
whoa! Hello!

Hey, dad, smell
the baby's head.

How's the motorcycle
shop, Dan?

Real fine.

Sell a bike yet?

No, no, but I'm getting
a lot of repair work.

Boy, that ceiling
needs some spackle.

Does this make you
uncomfortable, Dan?

Oh, no. It's a beautiful,
natural thing.

Well, I got to get going.

Now, Dan, it's not
like you've never
seen breasts before.

Crystal's my friend.
As far as I'm
concerned,

she has no breasts.

It works for me, ok?

Yeah, ok.

So when are you
coming home?

Maybe early.
Mark's coming by

to help me rebuild
that old triumph.

Becky's Mark? What,
is he officially
working for you now?

Roseanne...
He's real good with
these old bikes,

He works cheap,
and it's only for
a couple of days.

Dad, quick! Crystal's
switching sides!

I'm out of here.

Is he ok?

Oh, yeah. He's
just a leg man.

[Baby cries]

What now?
You don't want to eat,

And you don't want
to sleep, and--

Oh!

Oh...

Where can I
change him?

Your house.

Change him
in my room.

Ok.
Be right back.

Roseanne, can we talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

It's kind of...
personal.

Oh.

Uh, Darlene...
Go out and play.

Play? I don't play,
mother.

Play...pack...
Whatever.

Fine.

Well,
I guess now mom

Gets to be let in
on the big secret.

Becky's got something
really important

she wants to talk
to you about,

And she'd like you
to be really sensitive.

Forget it.
I can't--

Yes, you can.
Go ahead.

Come on, beck.

Well, Mark and I
are getting along
really good now,

And I know you guys
aren't crazy
about him,

But you got
to admit, he's
trying really hard.

Ok...

Um...

Well, I was thinking,
you know...

Um...

J-just in case
we decide to...

Um...

That it's time
for me to, um...

get some...birth control.

Isn't it great,
Roseanne...

That Becky has
such a wonderful,
progressive

open-minded mom
that she can talk to
about that?

Uh-huh.

Well, I was going
to go to a clinic...

Um, but Jackie
thought that
maybe I should go

And see your g-g...

gynecologist.
Gynecologist.

Uh-huh.

Really? So this
is ok with you?

Uh-huh.

You're kidding.
I'm so glad Jackie
made me tell you.

Roseanne, I thought
that we should take her.

Oh, sure!

Sure, we'll take her.

Oh, great.
I'm so glad I told
her. Thank you.

Thanks so much, mom.

Oh, boy.

So...

This is
a good thing, Roseanne.

Are you crazy?

She wants birth control,
and that's a good thing?

Need to sit down?

No, Jackie.
I need to lay down

In a great
big pine box.

She came to you.
She confided in you.

She trusts you.
That's a good thing.

I cannot
handle this.

You can.

I can't.

I know
I can't do this.

[Baby cries]

I can do this.

Well, I had to tear the
whole engine down but I
think I found your problem.

You worked
on this yourself

Before you brought it in.

Well, it's going
to be bucks

To fix what you did.

Ok. If you don't think
that's fair,

Come on down
and pick it up.

Bring a bag.

Hey, dad.

Hey, guys.
How was lunch?

It was cool.

Is is ever
not cool, Mark?

Huh?

Never mind.

So, what time are you
picking me up tonight?

Around : , I guess.

Ok. Bye.

I love you.

Yeah, me, too.

Bye, dad.

Yeah.

So...

Lunch was good?

Yup.

What'd you eat?

Tacos.

Ah...

Mexican?

Yup.

Yeah.

Well, the bike's
back there.

[Door jingles]

Oh, customer.
I'll be out front.

Cool.

Hey, Rosey.

I brought you lunch
from the restaurant.

Smells good.

Yeah, I don't know why
the guy didn't finish it.

How's it going?

Cool.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, there, Mark!

Hey!

You just missed Becky.

That's ok.
I'll see her later.

Well, thanks
for lunch, hon.

I'm going
to get back.

Uh, Dan.

We have to talk.

I don't want to know.

Well, you have to know

Because I'm not going
to know this alone.

What?

Becky wants me
to take her

And get her
some birth control.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going
to k*ll Mark.

He's in back,
so I have to go

In the back
to k*ll him.

Come on, Dan.

Well, we can't just
let this happen.

I don't want it
to happen either,

But if it is,

I don't want our
daughter getting
her birth control

from the chevron men's
room like we used to.

What are
we supposed to do?

Put on Sinatra,
fluff the pillows,
and dim the lights?

Like they
listen to Sinatra.

She's , Dan. I
don't think there's
much we can do.

You're not even going to try
to talk to her out of it.

Of course, I'm goin'
try my butt off.

But I won't explode at
her. Neither will you.

You want me to act like
nothing's goin' on?

Yeah. If we go
crazy with this,

She's not going
to trust me with anything.

It's better
she comes to us

rather than
learning everything from
Johnny Hormone back there.

Oh, man.

He's just going
to walk in here

All innocent, like
nothing happened.

Well, that's the way
you played it with my dad.

Oh, god.
I forgot about that.

Suddenly,
I feel like
calling your father

And apologizing
for ever having sex
with his daughter.

Ah, it's ok, Dan.

It's enough that
you've apologized to me.

Mrs. Addison?

Any diabetes
in our family?

No.

Ulcers?

No.

History of migraine?

No.

This is my first one.

I wish they'd just
give me the pills

instead of this
whole exam thing.

Oh, don't worry, Becky.

Just keep your socks on.

There's
a good look--

A paper dress
and socks.

Well, it's not
the prom, Jackie.

If she keeps
her socks on,

Her feet will slip
out of the stirrups.

Yes. I know that,
Jackie,

But socks will keep
her feet warm
in the stirrups.

But then she's
not going to have
any traction.

Traction's the key.

Becky Conner?

Oh, thank god.

Honey!

Go get 'em.

Go get 'em?

I want to say
all this stuff

Like, "stop,
you're too young,"

But the only thing
I talk about is socks.

You're doing great.

I don't believe this.

I drive her down here.
I make the appointment.

Well, Becky's
very, very lucky.

What are people going
to say, Jackie?

Who's going to know?

She's going to tell
all her friends,

Then they'll
tell their moms,

"Mrs. Conner lets
Becky have sex."

Well, Roseanne...

Do other people
go through this,

Or am I
the only insane mother
in the world?

I wish our mom
had been a little
more insane.

I took some
stupid chances

When I was a kid,
you know.

Mmm...

What?

She's all grown-up,
Jackie.

Oh, Roseanne.

She doesn't
need me anymore.

Oh, of course she
does. She needs you.

She needs you to pay
for the pills.

[Drill buzzes]

Something I can do
for you, Mr. Conner?

No.

No, I'm...

cool.

What is this doing here?

I was using it.

Using it?

Yeah.

Is that how you treat
my wrench, you... use it,

Then you toss it aside
into a puddle of grease?

Sorry.

This wrench
was brand-new,

Never even been touched.

But you yanked it out
of the shrink wrap,

Did god-knows-what
with it,

And you're just going to
leave it laying there?

I was going
to use it again.

Oh, no, buddy.

See, I don't care
what you do

With all your other
little wrenches,

But this
is my wrench.

And I want it
returned in
the same condition

You found it in.

You got that?
Is that clear?

Is that cool?

Excuse me.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, yeah.
Hold on, Mark.

Becky, zippy's
on the phone!

So, Mark, uh, did you
dial the phone yourself,

Or did daddy help you?

Oh, now, that's
not very nice.

Do you use
that filthy mouth
to kiss my sister?

Give me the phone,
Darlene.

Let me just say goodbye.

[Belches]

Come on,

You were supposed
to pick me up at : .

Yeah.

Ok. Yeah, tomorrow night.

I love you.
Yeah. Bye.

I can't believe it.
Dad's got him on the roof

cleaning the gutters.

But, what
about your date?

It's off.

Oh, honey.

Now, what am I going
to do all night?

Well, I've got an idea.

Why don't we make
a ton of popcorn,

Then we'll watch tv
and have a little chat,

Just me and you?

Ok.

Let's go see
what we want.

Hmm, cheddar cheese.

You got it.

How's your headache?

Oh, it's better.

It's just a crippling,
blinding thing.

No biggie.

Sorry.

Um, Becky.
I kind of wanted to,

You know, talk to you
about all this,

And, um, I was wondering
if, you know, uh,

You--you've thought
about everything.

You mean about the pill?

Yeah, that
and other stuff.

You do know
that you don't
have to have sex

just to have
a boyfriend.

I know.

Even though some
of your friends

might be having sex

and filling your head
with all these lies

about how good it is.

I know.

I was just
thinking that,

You know,
you're young and...

maybe you
should wait.

I mean, this is
a really big step.

I know, mom. I've
thought about this.

Well, I--I
just wanted
to bring it up.

Ok.

Uh, you know,
though, uh,

You've got a while
to think about it more

And maybe even reconsider
because the pill

Doesn't kick in for
like--what? A whole month.

Mom.

Yeah?

Oh...

What?

We...

already...

Already?

I really wanted
to tell you,

But I thought
you'd be mad.

Already?

Don't worry, mom.
We used something.

You already
used something?

Yeah. A condom.
You know, for
diseases and stuff.

I Just thought
having the pill

Would be like extra,
extra protection.

Mom?

Yeah, yeah.
Good thinking.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there anything else
that I need to know?

No.

I know every
single thing
there is to know?

Yeah.

Do you swear to god?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm going
to put the cheese
on the popcorn,

So you get
something on tv.

Ok.

Listen, mom, this is
between us, right?

You're not going
to go tell dad, are you?

Well, not if you
don't want me to.

Oh, thanks.

I love you, mom.

Yeah, yeah.
I love you, too.

Mom, let go.

In a couple years.

Howdy, stranger.

What happened?

Well, I gave her
the big old speech,

You know, about
waiting and everything.

Is she going to?

She's , Dan.
She thinks she's in love.

Oh, wait. Did I mention
I wanted happy news?

Oh, ok.

Uh...

Ok.

Once upon a time,
in a perfect
fairy tale world...

Ah, there lived
a beautiful princess

And her beautiful mother--
the all-knowing queen--

Who was even more beautiful
that the princess.

And one day
the princess decided

That she was going
to have sex

With an ugly, creepy,
hideous little ogre,

Named cool.

Scary.

Ohh.

But that's ok
because the queen
talked to the princess

And told her she
must never ever have sex,

And the princess agreed.

So the queen,
the princess,

And the ignorant old king

Lived happily ever after
in a totally sex-free world.

The end.

What happened to cool?

Oh, it was horrible.

He died a hideous
and grotesque death

When something
very sharp and heavy

And medieval fell
upon his head.

Tell it again.