04x12 - Santa Claus

[bunniefuu]

Come on now Jackie,
it's been like two hours.

When are we going to eat.

Be ready in a minute.

Can me and Dan
have something
to hold us

While we're waiting,

Like a cr*cker
or a ham?

No.

You'll ruin
your appetite.

God, I'm in here
slaving away

trying to
make you guys

A beautiful
gourmet dinner.

Can't you wait
one minute?

O.k.

One mississippi,

Two mississippi...

Just get out.

Fine. Maybe D.J.
Left some sugar pops
in the couch.

When?

One minute she said.

You know she's
a liar, Roseanne.

Well, she's trying
to be nice.

We'll just have
to take it.

We're never
going to eat.

Just get a hold
of yourself now.

We just have to get
our minds off food

And we think
of something else.

I might get
my christmas
bonus tomorrow.

I hope
it's spaghetti.

Where do you
keep your spices?

In the salt shaker.

O.k.

And is Darlene going
to eat with us?

No. She usually
just fixes herself
a sandwich.

Oh. I hope I didn't
make too much.

No. You can't
make too much.

Just start cooking.

O.k. Okey-doke.

Leon told me
to ask you

If you want to be
Santa at the mall.

And it pays
bucks an hour.

A little late
for hiring Santas.

Well, the last guy
got bit,

And he had to go get
a tetanus shot.

Well, that's
very tempting.

That wouldn't
happen to you.

You're good with kids.

Not ours,
but other people's.

I got
a shop to run.

Hey.

Darlene.

Very good.

We thought
you were rotting
in your room.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Where were you?

I was out.

Where?

With a friend.

Do we know her?

No.

Well,
what's her name?

Karen, o.k.? God.

I have to account
to you for everything?

Get your own damn life
and stay out of mine.

Did you hear
what she said to us?

Yeah. She's finally
got a friend.

And her name
is Karen.

Karen.

"Hi, Karen.
Come on in, Karen.

"Darlene's upstairs,
Karen.

Love your nose ring,
Karen."

"Say, are you
naturally bald

On one side of
your head there, Karen?"

"Can I hold your g*n
for you, Karen?"

It's not ready yet.

You're done.
Oh, yes, it is.

So, how was
Jackie's dinner?

Oh, it was
beautiful.

These little
midget chickens

All laid down
on this plate

With little tiny
baby vegetables
all around it.

It was just like
a work of art.

We ate it
in nine seconds.

That should teach her.

Well, she gets this way
around the holidays--

Loving, caring,
giving, annoying.

Well, here you go,
ladies.

Bonus time.

Just Rodbell's
little way
of saying,

"Yeah.
You work here, too."

I thought we were
getting cash.

A popular
misconception.

Merry christmas.

This is gonna suck.

And a happy
new year.

A Rodbell's coffee mug?

You're right.
That does suck.

What did you get,
Leon?

Oh. Cash again.

I don't believe this.

What did you get,
Walter?

I don't know,
and I don't care.

I'm not opening it
on principle.

This whole
christmas thing
is way out of hand.

Here we go.

It's unbelievable, it's not
about peace on earth anymore.

It's not about god.

It's about
buying grandma
a clock radio

even though
she doesn't need it

just because
she sent you
a cheese basket,

which you gave
to the mailman

who really
wanted scotch.

I think we found
our Santa claus.

I already
told you, Leon.

I'm not gonna be Santa.

Why not?
It's $ an hour.

I heard they never found
that last guy's finger.

No. He's fine.

He'll be able to hold
a cup again by february.

Yeah. Good.
Goodbye, Leon.

If I don't find
somebody soon,

I'll have to throw
that fat suit
on myself.

Did you ask Dan?

Yeah, but he
can't do it.

And we really need
the money, too.

Well, we need
a Mrs. Claus.

What does she do?

She gets the kids
to stand in line,

Takes their photos,
hands out
the candy canes.

Can you do that?

For $ an hour,

pretend like
I'm married
to some fat guy

that sits in his chair
all the time?

I can fake my way
through it.

. .

What, the woman
runs herself ragged

for half
the money as Santa?

Sorry. That's what's
in the budget.

Well, but that's
discrimination.

Why did we yell
"burn our bras"

and march
on Washington?

Why did
Mary Tyler Moore

take her hat
and toss it in the air?

For .
less than Santa?

I don't think so.

Well, there goes
a few seconds
of my life

I'll never get back.

I want $ an hour.

I can't change
the budget, Roseanne.

Well, then,
let me be Santa.

Oh, please.

Come on. I'm jolly.

Oh, in that case, no.

I want to be Santa.

I want to be
Liza Minnelli,

But we don't always
get what we want.

Leon, Santa's got to
be a woman anyway.

Who else
would do so much
for so little?

Roseanne.

Santa takes care
of children.

I do that all year.

Let me love, care,
and nurture.

And pay me in cash

so I don't have
to declare it.

I don't believe
I'm doing this.

You sure you don't
want to be Mrs. Claus?

No. It's a stupid,
thankless menial job

that nobody
even cares about.

That would be
just perfect
for Jackie.

Roseanne,
you ready?

Yeah. Is my beard
on straight?

Yeah.

Can you see
my boobs?

No. No boobs.

So, Santa,
what do you think
of your wife here?

Well, I must have
married you

before this
christmas thing
made me a big star.

You're a pig.

Ho ho ho.

Well, kids. Hiya.

My, you've all grown

Since I saw you
last year.

Hi.

Santa can't wait
to talk to you.

But before he does,

my dear wife
Mrs. Claus

would like to tell you
just what we'll do.

All right.
Listen up.

This is
the procedure.

You step up
to the lap,

you state
your christmas wish.

Get your candy cane,
your photo,

and you leave
the lap.

Any deviation
from this procedure

will result in loss
of candy cane.

Remember,
possession of cane
is a privilege,

not a right.

Nobody gets bit
on my beat.

Oh, that's o.k., Sally,
Santa's just as
afraid of you

as you are of him.

What do you want?

Go ahead, Sally.

Ask for that
Heidi homemaker
vacuum cleaner

and the little
suzy steam iron.

Is that what
you want, Sally?

And tell Santa
that you want
those ballet slippers.

Come on, sweetie.

Tell him
that you want to be
a prima ballerina

like we talked about.

Tell him.

Mom, would you mind
pliéing your butt
behind the rope

so Sally and I
can have a chat?

You know,
that's o.k., Sally.

Santa's mom
wanted him to be
a ballerina, too,

But Santa did
just what
he wanted to do,

And now
he's his own boss.

He works
one day a year,

And he's way
more famous

Than even
Michael Jackson.

What do you
want to be?

Maybe I can
help you find a toy

to get you there.

I want to be
a dentist and a cow.

Smile.

Remember this?

Well, Jason,
Santa sees an awful
lot of teddy bears.

You gave it
to me last year.

Well, that's 'cause
you were such
a good boy.

I hate it.

I wrote you
a letter

asking for a truck.

Wow. Hmm.

Mrs. Claus.

Come here a minute,
please.

There seems
to be some mix-up.

I never got
Jason's letter.

I want you
to find the elf
responsible for this

and fire him
immediately.

He's gone.
He's history.

Right away, Santa.

Happy now, jason?

Uh-huh.

Then smile.

So does little Ed
want to tell Santa

what he want
for christmas?

Well, he like
to stay with
his auntie Roseanne

for a whole weekend

so his mommy and daddy
can go away together.

Crystal,
I already got you

a limited edition
Rodbell's
coffee mug.

Give it a rest

so I can talk
to the kid here.

* Ah, little Ed,
little Ed **

A new nightie,
big dangling
earrings,

And a -speed
hair dryer.

Yeah. And a bottle
of that submission
perfume.

The big size,

because Rodbell's
will give me

A free umbrella
with that.

Got it.

Give that
to your dad

and give Santa
a big kiss.

Oh, mom.

Here we go, Jimmy.

Jackie, this kid
wasn't next.

Sure he was.

He was way back
in line.

He gave me a buck.

Yeah, well, Santa
doesn't believe
in you either.

Ow. My ear.
Ow. Quit it.

Ow. My ear.

Ow.

Ooh.

Ow!

There you go.

Good, isn't it?

All right.
There's a life saver
in there.

Hey. Kid. Get away
from that camera.

You hear me?

Get away
from that camera!

Oh, come on up here.

Ahh! All righty.

What's your name?

Sammy,
and I've been good.

Oh, a kid
that knows the drill.

I like that.

What can I get for you?

A bb g*n.

Oh, I'm sorry,

But Santa's fresh out
of g*ns this year.

Ah, come on, Santa,
see I don't have a dad,

and I need a g*n
to protect the house.

You do, too,
have a dad. Jeez.

Oh, you fibbed to Santa.
You're getting clothes.

Mom.

Well, Santa, usually
he's a pretty good boy,

So I think maybe a sled
would be o.k.

You just remember this--

I know
when you're sleeping.

I know
when you're awake.

You step out of line
one more time,

you'll wake up
christmas morning
knee-deep in sweaters.

Now, smile.

Go get your candy cane.

I can't
believe he did that

right in front of me.

Well, we all
lie sometimes,

like, for instance, I'm
not really Santa claus.

I know. Darlene told me.

Are you one
of Darlene's teachers?

No. I own the bookstore
on third street.

Darlene comes in a lot.
I'm Karen Miller.

Oh, you're Karen?

I already gave you
a candy cane, Sammy.

Did not.

I did, too!

Uh, well,
I better go.

It was nice to meet you.

Do you
believe that kid?

What's the matter?

Remember I told you

Darlene had
that new friend Karen?

Yeah. Is that her mom?

No. That's her.

You're kidding.

I thought
she'd be younger.

Well, duh, Jackie.

Well, so what?

Well, maybe
she's the reason

Darlene's all weird,
you know.

Look,
she's all in black.

Darlene dresses
all in black.

She owns a bookstore.

Darlene's been doing
all this reading lately.

It's not a cult.

What happened
to you being happy

That Darlene
even had a friend?

This friend's
supposed to be

with a retainer
and a bad attitude.

The kind of kid
you want to smack.

That's what
I was hoping for.

Hi. Remember me?

Uh...

Fat guy, beard,
at the mall.

Oh, Mrs. Conner.

Roseanne.

Roseanne.

Hi.

Hi. Um...

How's Sammy?

We're fighting.
I told him
to clean his room.

He said he
couldn't hear me

because
he was born deaf.

Well, that's pretty good
for his age.

I'll be glad when he's
out of this lying phase.

Is he your only kid?

Yeah.

I got three.
It's not a phase.

It's a nice shop.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I can't compete
with big chains,

So I mostly sell
the hard-to-find stuff.

Darlene's
my worst customer,

always comes in,
sits in the back, reads,

Never buys anything.

Yeah. She
got that from me.

I taught her
to eat dinner
in the supermarket.

She's not bothering you,
is she?

Oh, are you kidding? No.
She's a real pleasure.

That's just how
her father and I
describe her at home.

You know, Karen, I came
over here 'cause
I wanted to, uh...

You want to talk about
the Star Trek convention,
right?

Well, we
can start there.

I was going to bring
it up at the store,

But you were
kind of crazed.

She wouldn't
miss any school.

She got so excited
when I mentioned it.

My husband and I would
love to take Sammy.

She's so good with him.

We figured she'd
watch him at night.

I understand
why you said no,

But my husband and I are
perfectly normal people

Who just happen to
dress up like romulans
once or twice a year.

Well, I didn't
exactly say no.

Oh.

Well, great. I wish
you'd think about it.

She's just so excited.

She's so into
science fiction now.

Look at the stuff
she's writing.

Yeah.
I'd really like to.

You got any of it
laying around?

Uh, what do you mean?

She hasn't shown you
any of them.

No.

Oh, well,
maybe, you know,

She's testing them
out on me

Before she shows them
to you.

That's a nice try,
but I don't think so.

What are you
doing here?

Well, I met Karen
at the mall and--

You just can't you stay
out of my life can you?

No.

I can't believe
you're spying on me.

I can't believe a lot
of things either, Darlene.

It would
probably be easier
to pretend I'm not here

if I'm not here.

Oh, man.

Well, how come
you didn't tell me
that Karen's my age?

Well, that's none
of your business.

What is my business, Darlene

To find out why
I'm not letting you go

to this star trek
convention

you never told me about?

If you knew
you'd have come here
and embarrassed me.

Well, I'm here anyway.

I want to know

why she knows more
about you than I do?

Why can you talk
to her and not me?

Why does she get to read
your writing and I don't?

Because you'd laugh,
make a joke out of it.

I would not laugh.

I didn't laugh
at your poem.

Two years ago, you put
it on the refrigerator.

It was cute.

I was proud of you.

Yeah.
I'm not cute anymore.

Oh, believe me, Darlene.

Nobody knows that
better than I do.

What if I
don't believe in god
and write that?

Would you put that
on the refrigerator?

You don't
believe in god now?

Maybe.

Well, who do
you think created,

you know,
the final frontier,

the place where no man's
ever gone before?

Who do you think did
that, James T. Kirk, huh?

Typical. Do a joke.

Well, you've got it all
figured out, don't you?

When I was ,

I was sure
that I knew it all, too.

We're not
talking about you!

We're talking about me!

I'll never be like you!

It's too late, Darlene.
You are exactly like me.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right.
You have to have
the total last word,

Just like I did.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right!

Right.

Right, right, right,
right, right, right.

Right.

Hey, Becky, what's doing?

Oh, everything.

What does that mean?

Mark gave me my christmas
present a little early.

What did he give you?

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Dad, I'm kidding.

I got it out
of a gumball machine.

It's a joke.

Don't you ever
do that again.

I'm sorry.
I thought you'd laugh.

No. That was not funny.
That was cruel.

Ooh, here comes
your mom. Do it to her.

All right.

What?

Maybe later.

Hey, what's with you?

Well, I just met Karen.

Darlene's friend?

Yeah.

What's she like?

Well, she
has a -year-old.

Was she a senior?

No. She's my age.

You're kidding.

No, and that
ain't all either.

Did you know
that Darlene

Likes to write
short stories

And Darlene likes
to go to Star Trek
conventions,

And, well, when
she's around Karen,

Darlene's
just a pleasure.

Well, that ain't fair.

It's like
she's living some kind
of a double life.

That's two more than
we thought she had.

I guess that's good for
Darlene and everything,

That she's got somebody
to talk to.

Well, this woman's o.k.?

Yeah. She's really nice.

I liked her, but I just
feel really left out.

She gets the Darlene
that I want,

the one that writes and
talks and does stuff.

I get
the grunting brat that--

Pss. Pss. Pss.

Hey.

Hi.

What's that?

Well, I guess
it's something
that Darlene wrote,

So I guess I do get
a christmas bonus
after all.

What does your mom do
when you get in trouble,

She yell at you?

Usually, she...

just says not
to do it again.

Then you
do it again, right?

Ha ha ha. No.

Then you never
do it again?

Well...

You totally mind
what your mom says?

That's pretty amazing.

Did you
when you were little?

No. No. I never minded.

That's why
I'm a huge star now.