04x16 - Less Is More

[bunniefuu]

Miss!

In a minute.
In a minute!

Can I at least
get a menu here?

No. I wouldn't want
to get your hopes up.

Just put it
on a plate.

I'll pick the hairs
out of it.

Oh, god.
You looked swamped.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to the people
I took it out on.

Let me get
my coat off.

Walter, what's
it going to be?

It's unbelievable,
Roseanne!

I just saw
the television set

That lets you watch
two channels at once.

You can watch
what you're watching

and what you're missing
at the same time,

But you're missing
life, because--

You're getting soup.

O.k.

I hate it
when his mommy
don't pack his lunch.

Oh!

Damn it!

What?

I threw out
my back again.

Oh, man.

This is just
getting ridiculous.

How am I
supposed to work

when this happens
all the time?

Let me just sit down.

Miss!

You sit right here.
I'll get that.

Miss, you got
any steak sauce?

Yeah.

It's on the other side
of the counter there.

Do you mind
getting it yourself?

I can't bend over
too good.

O.k.

Yeah, I've seen
a couple of doctors.

They've described
these pills,

But they don't
do anything.

Can I get
my cake and coffee?

Yeah. Do you mind
getting it yourself,

because I can't really
reach up too good?

Cut yourself
a great big slab.

[Bell rings]

Walter, your soup's up.

Got it.

Walter, honey, will you
take those fries

and drop them off
to this guy in the red?

Thanks a lot.

You want some
more coffee?

Do you mind,
since you're up,

pouring her another cup?

Well, the pot's
almost empty.

Oh, well, there's
some filters right
on the shelf there.

Roseanne,
what are you doing?

It's taken me a while,

but I do believe
I'm finally getting
the hang of this job.

Have a seat, Mrs. Conner,

The doctor will be here
in a minute.

So, what did he say?

"Put your clothes on.
I'm done."

You know,
like any man.

Oh!

No. Dr. Dixon will be
able to help you.

Why?

He's the best.
He helped me so much

When I hurt my back
on the force.

You have
a crush on him.

I do not.

I hope he can
do something.

I can't lay in bed
when this happens
anymore.

I thought the girls
were taking care of you.

No. They're
sick of me.

The next time
I ask for a pillow

they're going to
brick up my bedroom.

Sorry to keep you
waiting, Mrs.. Conner.

Jackie!

Hi, Dr. Dixon!

How's the back?

Oh, it's o.k.

It acts up
every once in a while.

Since when?

Since...

Shut up.

Maybe you should
make an appointment.

Thanks.
That would be fun.

Now, Mrs.. Conner,
your x-rays show

No spinal damage
or abnormality.

Which means it's
a muscular problem.

I should try diet
and exercise,
maybe even hot baths.

You'll prescribe
these little blue pills
that don't do anything.

Guess that just leaves
the small matter
of my fee.

So you can't do
anything either?

A surgical procedure
would give you some relief.

No, thanks.

You haven't heard
what it is yet.

I'm talking
about a breast reduction.

Oh, yikes.

Are you sure
you're not reading

The wrong side
of the x-rays?

You have bra strap pain.

Most of your problems

are in the upper back
and shoulders.

Your back continually
compensates for your front,

which is...

Huge.

Sorry.

If you reduce
the weight of your breasts,

your posture
will be better.

That will lessen
lower back pain.

Do people
really do this?

Yeah, it's fairly common.

The risk is minimal.

Well, what happens?

I brought a brochure
to show you.

See, the surgeon
makes an incision

underneath the breast,
around the nipple,

And in a vertical line
between the two.

The excess breast tissue
is then removed,

and the nipple is then
grafted back onto the breast

in a higher position.

What sick n*zi man
came up with this idea?

It sounds worse
than it is.

Maybe it's something
that should think about.

It's crazy!

Well, you've tried
everything else.

Well, how much
do they...

take off?

Just enough so you wouldn't
need to see me anymore.

What am I going
to look like?

What if he
goes crazy?

I don't want
to end up looking
like, you know.

Hey, hey!

I didn't mean that.

I just meant these
have been a big part

of what I am
my whole life.

We're talking
about changing that.

Maybe you'll
feel better.

I think it's just
a moot point anyway.

It's not like
I could ever afford it.

How much does that cost?

Around $ , .

Each?

No. No, no.

Since you've had
chronic problems,

insurance would probably
cover about % of it.

Look, obviously you've got
a lot of thinking to do,

and, if you want,

I can recommend
a wonderful specialist.

Or you might want
a second opinion.

Don't worry.
I'm sure I will
when I get home.

Only one night
in the hospital.
That's a pro.

It's the hospital.
Con.

An art linkletter bed,
color TV, room service.
Pro.

But the food will suck.
Con.

It sucks here.

You'll be away
from the kids.

Yeah, but they'll
want to visit.

But you'll be
drugged up,

so call them names
and fall back asleep.

Yeah. Huge pro.

What about Dan, though?

Dan wants you
to feel better.

I don't even know
how to tell him
about this.

Well, I'll think
of some--

Con, con, con.

Fine. I'll pretend
like nothing happened.

Nothing did happen.
I haven't made up my mind.

Mark, the car never
made this noise before.

It's like
a rattling noise.

No, my father
already fixed it.

That's why I can't
get it out of the driveway.

Car doesn't have to run
for you to live in it.

Hey.

How come
you're just sitting there?

Waiting for dinner.

Did it ever occur to you

to get off your butt
and heat something up?

Oh, no. It was
way too early to panic.

Well, where's D.J.?

He got hungry
and went over
to Todd's.

God, if I didn't
come home,

you all would
starve to death.

Will you
hem my new jeans?

Yes, but can I please
make dinner for you first?

Please?

If you're making meatloaf,
I'm just having salad.

Does anybody care
this woman was at the doctor

and has something important
to discuss with you all?

Thank you, Jackie.

It would've been stupid
to wait for the right time.

What did he
tell you?

It's kind of funny,
actually.

I went there
to talk about my back.

All he just kept talking
about was my boobs.

Do you want me
to beat him up?

No. He said
I should maybe think about

getting a breast reduction.

What?

He said it would
maybe help my back

if I got my boobs
shortened up.

Are you going
to do it?

I haven't made up
my mind yet.

The doctor says
her back keeps going out

because of all the weight
up front.

How long would you
be in the hospital?

She'd go in
the night before.

It would take
a couple of weeks

to get better, so
you'd have to help out

with the cooking
and housecleaning.

After that she'll go back
to doing all the chores,

and you'd be
off the hook.

Make that the
last thing you say.

O.k., o.k.

If it'll stop
the back pain,

you should have
the operation.

You'll feel better.
You'll look great.

You can buy
all new clothes.

Is everything
a trip to the mall
for you, Becky?

Shut up.
It'll be good for her.

I guess it's something
she's always wanted.

What are you
talking about?

You know you always
wanted perky ones.

You try walking around

with your shoulders
hunched over and
your back up in knots.

Then we'll talk about
why I'm really
doing this.

So you are doing it?

Well...

Come on, girls.
Let's get a pizza.

Come on, Darlene.

Why are we leaving?
This affects all of us.

Ever since you
went on solid foods,

they ceased to be
any concern of yours.

Come on, Darlene.

Let's go.

I'm going to make
a sandwich.
Want one?

No, I want you to
talk to me about this.

It's your decision, honey.

I know.
Tell me how you feel.

I don't know
how I feel.

I'm sitting,
waiting for dinner,

and you say
you're getting
your breasts reduced.

How am I suppose to feel?

I mean, is this
the only way?

Have you tried
everything else?

It's got to be surgery?

What's bothering you
about the surgery?

You afraid
of how I'll look?

Oh, no, no.

You afraid
of the money,
'cause insur--

No, it's not the money.

Well, then what is it?

What was
the first one again?

I was worried
about I'd look,

but then
I saw these pictures
of how you look after,

I would just
look normal.

I don't want you
looking normal.

I like you
the way you are.

I should've said
it was the money.

No, I asked how you felt.
You told me.

Am I the big pig now
'cause that bothers me?

No. It bothered me, too.

You really think
this will make you
feel better?

Yeah, I really
think I do.

I'll have to
deal with it.

Yeah, you know,
I'm not going to
change or anything.

I'll still be
the same woman
you married.

I'll just be
in less pain,

so I won't be grumpy
and whiny all the time.

O.k., so I won't
exactly be the same
woman you married.

Come on in, Rose.

Is anybody in there
hooked up to tubes
or machines or hoses?

No.

Oh, good,
'cause I don't
care for that.

Hey, this ain't bad.

I don't know.
Hospital rooms
give me the creeps.

Every time
we check out of one

we got a new kid.

Whoa, whoa,
what's that smell?

My nose is burning.

[Sniff]

Oh, that's
the clean, Dan.

No kidding.

Yeah. Don't go
getting used to it now.

Well, for your
dining pleasure
this evening,

We are serving
"clear beef bouillon

Or chicken bouillon,"

Which the chef informs
me is also clear.

Is that it?

If you still
have room,

Our dessert tray
consists of

A shimmering brick
of green jell-o
and the tray itself.

Do me a favor?

Go down the hall and drag
that snack machine in here.

You're not
supposed to eat
before the surgery.

I'll only lick
the salt off the fritos.

You can eat them.

How long
are visiting hours?

I don't know.
Stay and keep me company.

O.k.

Sports channel.

Dan, I've got
a private room.

Good deal.

Do you want
to fool around?

In the hospital?

Look. The bed
goes up and down.

You wouldn't have
to do nothing.

I don't think so.

Aw...

Are you o.k.
with this?

Why worry about me?
Are you o.k.?

Yeah.

Then me, too.

You sure?

I'm with you
all the way--

When they
wheel you down,
when it's over.

While it's happening
I'll be far away
liquored up.

Knock, knock.
Am I interrupting?

No, it's o.k.

Surprise!
Surprise!

* For they were
jolly good fellows *

* For they were
jolly good fellows *

* For they were
jolly good fellows *

* Which nobody can deny **

Ooh--ooh!

Whoo!

Oh, look it!
A boob cake!

Where did you
get that?

I saw it in
good housekeeping.

It was
for a kitty-cat face.

I trimmed the ears
and doubled the recipe.

Boy, am I leaving.

I'll be here
first thing
in the morning.

So will I.

No cake for her.

He seems to be
doing better.

Well, it would be easier
if he was a leg man.

You know
Dan tells everybody

the first thing
he noticed about you

was your eyes.

Men have to say that,
Crystal.

It's the law.

Mmm-hmm. You know
they're lying.

All they think about
are our chests.

At least every guy
I ever went out with.

One article said
one reason men are
so obsessed with breasts

is that they represent
security and nurturing

And--and motherhood.

Ohh!

That's why
they call them hooters.

Or as my fellow truckers
like to say,

bumpers...

headlights...

and then the ever
flattering airbags.

Then there's
your fruits

and vegetables,
right?

Coconuts, mangoes...

pineapples...

sweet potatoes...

the entire melon family.

and don't forget
a nice pair.

They have
the nerve to say

they love you
for your brain.

Which can't be true,

because they've only got
one word for brain.

If that was true,

all those bars
would be having
wet hat contests.

Well, we brought you
a present, Roseanne.

Goody, goody.
Let me see.

Oh, gimme it.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh!

Whoa!
Yahoo!

Look it.
No underwires!

No underwire!

Yeow!

Now I can go through
the metal detector
at the airport

without setting it off.

All right, Mrs.. Conner,
we're about ready.

Did everybody
wash their hands?

Yes, ma'am.

Who are you?
You're not my doctor.

Dr. Foster, your
anesthesiologist.

Do you have any pull
around here?

I never did
get my jell-o.

Now, just count
backwards from .

O.k., but if I wake up
with a baby,

I'm going to personally
kick your as...

Rosie.

Rosie.

Wake up, sleepyhead.

Dan?

Hi, honey.
How do you feel?

How did everything go?

The operation went great.

The surgeon said
it's his best work ever.

I want to see.
I want to see.

O.k. There's
a mirror by the wall.

Let me help you up.

Aah!

Great, huh?

They were supposed
to make them smaller!

This is better.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Calm down, Mrs.. Conner.
Calm down.

I've got your jell-o
right here.

What did you
do to me?

What happened?

You had a breast
enlargement.

And a great one!

I was supposed
to have a reduction!

You made a mistake!

That's not true,
Mrs.. Conner.

Here's your release form
right there.

Here's your signature.

My doctor told me what
he was going to do!

I want to see my doctor!

I want to see him now!

Right away.

Doctor, we need you.

Yes?

What's wrong?

Not big enough?

Rosie.

Rosie.

Dan?

She's awake, Jacks.

Roseanne, hi.

How are you?

Oh, way to go, Doogie.

Huh!

Well...

Now I just got to
work on this.

Stop it.

I'm not touching you.

I'm warning you, D.J.
Quit it.

I'm not touching you.

That's it.

[Thud]

Ow!

Dad, I never
touched her.

Well, it was hardly
worth it then,
was it, son?

How come you're
home so late?

Drive your brother
and sister to school.

Yeah, Deej, let's go
for a little ride.

I'm taking the bus.

Smart. There's kids
waiting to beat him up

on the bus.

So, mom,
first day back to work?

That's right.

Going to
take the twins out
for show and tell?

Har har.
Go to school, Darlene.

All right.
All right.

Uh...
By the way...

You look nice.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I did this
so I would feel better,

Not so I would
look better?

God, take a pill.

So?

What?

How do I look?

I'm a sucker
for a woman in uniform.

Did you check out
the name tag?

Yeah.
It looks bigger.

Yeah, like,
my whole uniform's
really, really big,

You know,
like a tent.

Want to
go camping, Dan?

Now?

Aren't you
going to be late?

Well, I got,
like, an hour.

Well, you keep saying
you're sore.

I just say that
so the girls will keep
doing all the crap work.

Come on, Dan.
It's been, like, a while.

I know.

What's the matter?

I'm not sure
this is the right time.

No, it's the perfect time.

I haven't even
made the bed yet.

I don't know.
I feel kind of weird.

It's still me.

I'm nervous, honey.

Well, don't be.

They're higher now.

Ha ha ha!

John!

Hey, great show.

Hey, thanks.

How did that
scene go

In the kitchen--
kind of romantic?

You didn't see it?

No. I had a call
in my dressing room.

It's weird.
There's no call
and the door jammed.

I was stuck.

That is weird.

Did you do it
like I suggested?

Yeah!
I played it nervous.

She breaks me down.
We shake hands.

Everybody
agrees with you.

A simple platonic
gesture says it all.

Cool.

I love being a producer.