04x25 - Aliens

[bunniefuu]

I'd do the dishes,

But this
nasty hangnail

Will smart in
that soapy water.

Well, save your
lame excuses, Dan.

Don't make offers that
you don't intend keeping.

Fair enough.

I'll just
take care of it,

Like I do with
every other thing
around here.

Darlene, get down here
and do the dishes!

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, dougie.
How's our favorite banker?

What's he doing,
calling here?

I Asked him to.

Good. Good.
How's lois?

Why'd you
do that for?

We're late
on the shop's
loan payment.

Don't worry.
I got a plan.

How are the kids?

What's the plan?

[Smack]

Oh, really?

Oh, gosh, dougie,
that is just
so precious.

I've always said
your little girl
was a genius.

You guys have to
come over again
for dinner soon.

We would love that.

Great. Great.

Hold on a minute
and I'll
get Dan for you.

Which one's the genius?

The little one.
Katy.

The one who made
boom-boom in our sink.

Hey, dougie,
how ya doin', man?

Listen, thanks
for calling back.

Listen,
I gotta keep this
on a friend level.

I'm gonna need
a couple more weeks
on that loan payment.

Hi. I'm mike summers,
your state representative.

How are you doing?

Great.

I'm going
door-to-door,

Getting to know
my constituents.

That takes
a lot of time.

Why don't you just
go down to the
unemployment office

And see everybody
at once?

I hear you,

And you're right.

We can't let this area's
work force lay idle.

That's why bringing
in new business

Is my number one
priority.

How?

Through
tax incentives.

We'll make it cheaper
for businesses

To move right here
in Lanford.

So they get
a tax break?

That's why
they come here.

Who's paying
the taxes that
they ain't paying?

Well, yo-you will.

But...
You'll be working.

Good,
steady employment.

Union wages?

Part of the reason
these companies
find it so expensive

To operate
in other locations--

So they
dump the unions
to move here

And hire us
at scab wages,

And for that
privilege, we get
to pay their taxes.

Is your husband home?

He's on the phone,

Trying
to keep us from
losing our house.

Hey, let's
talk about that.

See, we're broke.

I can't even afford
to buy groceries

Unless it's
double coupon day.

You know, we should
talk about that,

But I have several
houses to get to
before I quit--

Well, hey, great.
I'll come with you.

Boy,
it's getting rough
out here, mike.

It's getting so
my son's gonna
have to wear

My daughter's
hand-me-downs,

And for
real this time.
Not just for fun.

Last day at
the ol' mall, huh?

I don't even
wanna go in.

Good. Treat it
like any other day.

I Checked
at the buy 'n bag.

They don't have
any openings.

Thanks anyway.

See ya.

Hmm.

The lunch lady
at school's been sick.

I think she's
going to die soon.

Are you interested?

Well, gee.
Let's see...

Serving crappy food
to ungrateful
teenagers.

How would I know
I was at work?

Here. It's a letter
from my school.

I was supposed
to give it to you
a couple days ago,

But I forgot.

Like the time you "forgot"
that hamsters can't swim?

No, this time
I really forgot.

"Dear
mr. And Mrs.. Conner,

"I'm sure you're
as proud as we are

"Of your son's
significant
achievement

"In winning
the james madison
elementary school

Spelling bee."

My god,
it's a good note.

You're sure there
ain't a page missing?

No, he's in
the regional finals.

That's
the whole note.
No one was hurt.

D.J., I always knew you had
some special hidden talent.

And now, you can spell.

You can spell!

Yeah, and that's
where the big money is.

You're just jealous.

Oh, you're right.

I wanted to be rain man.

So, Deej,
why didn't you say
something before?

I didn't think it was
such a big deal.

Are you kidding?

The whole family's
coming to cheer you
on to victory.

Even Darlene?

The entire family.

Cool.

Hey, Darlene!
They're making you come!

Ha ha!

So Leon is actually
going out of his way

To find you something
else in the store?

That's
nice of him.

Yeah. Man, you think
you know somebody.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Nancy.

Hi. You look upset.

I know.

I Been up all night
throwing stuff at Arnie.

Jeez.
What happened now?

Well, I told him he
has to get it together

And stop being such
an irresponsible slob.

And of course
he took that
the wrong way.

Oh, that is
just so typical.

Jackie,
what would you do?

What are you
asking me for?

Well, you had
a relationship with him.

Oh...Nancy.

I'm eating.

Man...

Well, Nancy,
you know he's
never gonna change.

I've been
telling you that
the whole time.

I'm so sick
of hearing him whine

About how
I'm smothering him.

Well,
if you can still
hear him whining,

You ain't pushing
hard enough
on the pillow.

I hope Leon
found us something.

Of course he did.

That's what
I like about you.

You're always
half full.

So did you
get us another job
and what is it?

Well, I spoke
to everyone--

Now look, tuesday's
gonna be a problem.

If they want me
to start tuesday,

I can't start
till noon.

Well,
that's not a problem,

Since no one
in the store is hiring.

Oh, no.

There's gotta
be something.

I did
everything I could.

You'd waited on
too many of the
department heads.

Damn.

Well,
at least you tried.

Yeah.
Thanks anyway.

I'm really
sorry, ladies,

But you know,
so the day isn't
a total waste...

Let's blow this
joint in style.

Whoa.
Sparkling cider.

Well, at least you
spared no expense.

It's just a token
of my esteem.

Not
the actual esteem.

You know, Leon, that
was really sweet of you.

Yeah, so nice
it almost makes me
feel guilty

For all
the crap we pulled
behind your back.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Remember
when I told you
my aunt helen died

And I had
to go to Vegas?

She didn't die and
there was no funeral?

There was,
but I didn't go,

'Cause
I was in Vegas.

Yeah. I Remember that.

That was
right about the time

That Rodbell's said you
no longer had to wear

These quaint little
humpty-dumpty uniforms
you hate so much.

You never
told us that.

I didn't?

Oh...but you know
what's important

Is that you know now.

Leon, that
was really low.

Well, you've finally
earned our respect.

Thank you.

Well, here's
to the last day.

We're not out
in the parking lot

Watching the place burn,

But this is nice, too.

To Rodbell's
luncheonette.

Where the food
speaks for itself.

All night long.

Nancy's driving me
crazy, Dan.

All couples
argue, Arnie.

It's different.
When we dated,

We only argued
about who drives
and who moons.

That's bull.

You two used to
fight all the time.

Yeah, but it used
to be like foreplay.

Got us hot.

Now she's breaking
plates over my head.

It's a real turnoff.

You guys ever
thought about going
to a counselor?

We're a little old
for camp.

Hey.

Hey, rosey.

How's your last day
at the shop?

Horrible.
Leon can't find me
no other job,

And I didn't
have any customers
to take it out on.

But I did
talk to Nancy
and you're wrong.

O.k. Now that rosey
and I have discussed it,

We can't put you up
tonight, Arnie.

Well, what about
your garage?

We just cleaned it.

O.k. All right.

Know what I'll do?

I'll be a man
about this.

It's my place, too.

I'll sleep in
my own damn garage.

Hey, what happened to that
big tricked-out harley

You had
sitting up here?

Well, I kind
of sold it.

Why didn't you
tell me?

The pressure's off.
We can breathe.

Don't get too excited.

I didn't make
a big profit.

What does
not big mean?

About bucks less
than I spent on it.

Oh, Dan.

I had to, honey.

We needed the money
to get into summer.

He wouldn't
go any higher.

Man, I know how hard
you worked on that thing.

Well,
don't worry, baby.

We'll screw over
the next guy good.

I'm sorry, Dan.

I know that was
your favorite bike.

Well, remember
our family motto--

We're Conners.
We gotta eat.

I'm going back there
and get me some coffee.

Want some?

Sure.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm mike summers,
your state representative.

How you doing?

I'm meeting with
small businessmen
in the area...

Hey.

Oh, hell!

Mike! Wait up!

You think
D.J.'s nervous

About the spelling
bee tonight?

He seems fine to me.

Being
in the spotlight,

It can be really
traumatic for a kid.

Like the time
you were doing
them baton tosses

In front of
the whole school

And you
k*lled that bird?

If it'd just
died right away,

But it just kept
flopping around...

Rosey.

Hi, nance.
Come on in.

He left me.

Do you believe this?
He left me.

You're kidding.

Read this.

"Dear Nancy, I know
this is hard to believe,

"But I am being
kidnapped by...

What's that word?

Aliens.

Aliens
from outer space.

He is such a worm.

He couldn't even
face me.

Instead he leaves me
some stupid note

About space creatures
sent here to take back
intelligent life.

Man, are their bosses
gonna be ticked.

Did you have
another fight?

Huge, but he didn't
have to do this.

What's going on?

"Dear Nancy..."

Who are the allens,

And why are they
out of spice?

Aliens, Dan,
from outer space.

Oh, that makes
a little more sense.

Dan, did he
tell you anything?

Is there another woman?

No offense, Nancy,
but it's a miracle
there's one.

Why would he do
something like this?

Why does this
surprise you?

Remember
the first time

He was supposed
to meet your family

And came down
with lou gehrig's
disease?

Yeah. Turned out to be
the -hour kind.

There you go.

Well, that's it.
I'm finished with him.

I'm putting
everything he owns
into a shoe box

And throwing it out
onto the sidewalk.

'Cause
I don't need him.

I don't need anybody.

Jackie, will you
come with me?

Sure.

Man.

Yeah.

There you go.

I told you they
wouldn't make it a year.

D.J.,
come on down here.

He's almost ready.
He's doing his hair.

Well, that
can't be good.

I got to ask
a couple questions

For my college
applications.

sh**t.

What's
our annual income?

Um, that's the amount of
money we make in a year.

Next question.

No,
they need to know.

" - , ,
- , ,
- , ."

I guess you
could put us down
for, say... .

Really?

Yeah. And we only
spend, say... .

O.k., you still
made too much

For me to get
full financial aid.

How much is in
my college fund?

Boy, this
is embarrassing.

Please tell me
there's a college fund.

Well, there was, but...

So even if I get
into these schools,

I can't afford to go?

Becky, it has been
a really bad year.

I...I can't believe this.

Let's wait and see.

Maybe you'll get
an academic
scholarship.

Big maybe, dad.

Big, big maybe.

The shop could
still take off.

Maybe you could go
to community college
for a couple years.

What was the point
of getting as?

Becky.

You told me
if I worked hard,

I could make something
out of myself.

You can.

Going to night school?

I'll wind up
just like you!

Hey.

Hey!

You apologize
for that.

No!

Your mother busted
her butt for you.

I Busted my butt to get
into a good school.

There was no way.

We purposefully
went broke

So you couldn't go
to the college
of your choice.

I was on my own.

You've never
been on your own.

What would you call it?

I'm ready.

What did you do?

I think it looks good.

Well, you are wrong.

Mom!

All the other parents
will make fun of us.

You go wash that
out of your hair now.

All right.

Are you ready
to go?

I'm not going to some
stupid spelling bee.

Oh, yes, you are.

Your brother's
been to plenty of
your stupid things.

Go get yourself
ready.

I can't believe

You let her
talk to you
like that.

The fact that she doesn't
want to end up like me

Just proves that she's
been paying attention
around here.

She's still
way out of line.

I mean, we may not
have exactly

Been able
to spoil her,

But she's still
had it pretty good.

As good as we
wanted her to?

Did you tell D.J.
To wash his hair?

Yeah.

You should
have told him

To take his blazer
off first.

Why does he do that?

Your word is
"embarrass."

"Embarrass."

E-m-b-a-r...

A-s-s.

"Embarrass."

I'm sorry, roger.

There are two rs,

But you don't need
to be embarrassed.

You did very well.

Whenever you do your best,
you're never a loser.

Yeah, he is.

Spell "good night,"
roger.

Down to two.

Yes.

This couldn't be
more boring

If it was
ladies golf.

O.k., nicole,

Your word is "quantity."

Jinx.

She's just a kid,
now, Dan.

"Quantity."

Q-u-a-n-t-I-t-y.

"Quantity."

Correct.

Damn it.

Hi.

How's Nancy
doing?

She's a wreck--
crying and sobbing.

Why, did Arnie
come back?

David jacob,

Your word is "monarch."

Piece of cake.

"Monarch."

M-o-n-a-r-c-h.

"Monarch."

Oh, too bad, son.

That's correct,
david jacob.

All right!

Hey, hey!
Gimme five.

What's
going on there?

Oh, Becky
hates us.

O.k., don't tell me.

Nicole, your word
is "legendary."

"Legendary."

L-e-g-e-n-d...

E-r-y.

"Legendary."

I'm sorry, nicole.

It's a-r-y.

You stay right here.

If david jacob
misses his word,

You get another chance.

Go, Deej, you can do it.

Be the word.

Sound it out.

Jeez, it's just
a spelling bee.

Maybe to you, pal,

But it's all
we've got.

Whoo whoo whoo!

Yay!
Whoo!
Hoo hoo!
Yay!

Quiet!

Everybody.

Oh, please let it be
a word he knows.

David jacob,

Your word is "foreclosure."

In the closing moments,
you had a funny look
on your face.

Was that nerves?
Concentration? What?

Nicole cut one.

That means
she likes you, D.J.

We are so proud of you.

How does it feel
to peak at ?

We love you, too,
darling, in a way.

Yes, we do.

There's only
strawberry left.

I knew
this would happen.

Here. You can have
my chocolate.

I'll eat
the strawberry.

Don't say I never
gave you nothing.

I was thinking.
Forget college.

Maybe I'll just
marry Mark

And move in
with you guys.

If you're trying to k*ll us
for the insurance money,

Don't bother,
'cause there ain't any.

sh**t.

O.k., everybody.

All right,
listen up now.

Listen up.
Attention, please.

Since D.J.'s
the very best speller

In all of Lanford,

We're going to have
a little toast,

D.J. Style.

Everybody,
get your spoon full,

Hold it high,

And...fire!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad
I didn't say banana?

Man, this is great.

Hey, can I drive?

I won't hit nothing.

If you don't stop
this behavior,

We'll have to
separate you again.

All right.

What's that yellow
pasty stuff in back?

Antimatter.

Really?
Tastes like chicken.

Knock knock.

Can't you find
anything else
to do?

Perhaps you could
go outside and play.

The minute I'm out there,

You'll fly a little
too close to the sun

Like you did last time.

Know what I could
go for, though?

A little companionship,
if you know what I mean?

Hey, you!

Are you a chick?

Does he know he's to be
a pet for your son?

Yes. He's fine with it.