10x01 - Twenty Years to Life

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Roseanne:
Dan?

Dan!

Dan!
[ Mutters ]

What?

What happened?

I thought
you were dead.

I was sleeping.

Why does everybody
always think I'm dead?

You looked happy.
I thought maybe you moved on.

[ Feet stomping ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Groaning ]
Oh, they're up.

I know
it's only been a week,

but I just can't get used to
Darlene and her kids

living in the house.

[ Sighs ]
I got no privacy.

I can't even make
my Maxwell House naked,

like God intended.

Well, just 'cause
they're up

doesn't mean
we have to give up,

you know,
pleasuring me.

I don't know if we got time for
the full symphony of love,

but I'm sure we can knock off
a few of the greatest hits.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Strained ]
Brace yourself, Mother!

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Dan and Roseanne laughing ]

"Roseanne" is taped in front
of a live studio audience.

[ Door closes ]

[ Pills rattling ]
[ As Sammy Davis Jr. ]
Candyman's home, babe.

Ooh, my favorite --
dr*gs!

[ Exhaling ]
Ah!

What happened
to the rest of our candy?

Ha-ha.
Funny story.

Our insurance don't cover
what it used to,

so I got half the dr*gs
for twice the price.

What are we
supposed to do?

Well, tradesies.

I'll trade you
five of my statins...

for five of your
anti-inflammatories,

and I'll sweeten
the pot

by throwing in
a couple of blood pressures.

Did you get the pain pills
for my bad knee?

[ Pills rattling ]

[ As Sammy Davis Jr. ]
Wouldn't be the Candyman

without the sunshine,
babe.

Whoo! My babies.

Did you get
the anti-depressants?

They're all yours.

If you're not happy, I have
no chance of being happy.

Morning,
lovebirds.

Uh, are you eating Peeps
for breakfast?

What's it to ya?

Uh, I didn't quit my job
and come home

to watch you k*ll yourself
slowly, eating old Easter candy.

Hey, I worked hard
all my life,

and if I want to eat
a marshmallow chicken

for my breakfast,
I think it's my damn business.

Well, like it or not,
I'm here to take care of you,

and I can be
as stubborn as you are.

Did you remember to measure
your blood sugar this morning?

Yup.
Sweet as can be.

Yeah, I guess that's
why you passed out at
Walmart last month.

No. That was because
their prices are so low.

[ Scoffs ]

Dad, will you tell her
how stupid she's being?

That's never
worked out for me.

And, you know, Mom,
I know you and Aunt Jackie

are mad at each other,

but this feud is getting
way out of control.

You weren't here, Darlene.
You didn't see it.

I mean, not only did she vote
for the worst person on Earth,

but she was
a real jerk about it, too.

And now
she's just ridiculous.

Uh, she's ridiculous?

You made a shrine to her
as if she's dead.

Well, she's dead to me.

And you better give me
some credit

'cause I said
very nice things about her

in her obituary.

Morning,
Granny Rose.

Morning, Mark.

Morning, Grandpa.

Morning, son.

Oh, come here.
I got to fix your hair.

You got a little piece
sticking up.

Darlene says
just ignore it.

He's "exploring."

May the winds fill his sails
and carry him

to the boy's section
of Target.

What you gonna have
for breakfast, Mark?

My mom
always makes me

blueberry waffles
with real maple syrup.

Cereal, you say?

Don't get
your hopes up.

There's no waffles.

How come
you're always smiling?

It's weird.

Hey.
Hey.

Can I have some money?

[ Chuckles ]

I don't know.
Mom, can I have some money?

I don't know.
Can I have some money?

You could've just said
we were poor.

I didn't need
the routine.

I'll be back
for dinner.

Whoa, you didn't tell me
you were going out.

I need you to watch Mark.
I've got a job interview today.

Come on. I made plans
with my one potential friend.

I'm sorry, Harris,
but I-I --

Tag me in.

You're babysittin'.

Game over.

This is so unfair.

You're ruining my life!
You all suck!

I ain't seen that movie
in years.

Oh, the classics
really do hold up.

Come on, Darlene,

I'll give you a ride
to your job interview.

All's you got to do
is open up your Uber app

and request me.

And it's surgin' 'cause I know
you really need a ride.

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

You're not gonna
like this,

but, uh, Aunt Jackie's
picking me up.

What?!

How dare you invite her here
without asking me first.

This is my house!

Well, and she's
my aunt.

[ Doorbell rings ]
You know, I mean,

she was an important part
of my childhood.

I want that for my kids.
She was always fun.

Everything's fun
when you're a kid.

You ever go to the circus
as an adult?

It's nothing but animals
getting beat and drunk clowns.

Look, she promised that
she would get along, and
knowing the both of you,

I'm guessing you're the one
keeping this feud alive.

What's up,
deplorable?

Okay, you guys have got
to talk this out civilly.

Mom, Aunt Jackie's
standing right here,

pussyhat in hand.
[ Chuckling ] Oh!

I don't have time
for this.

Jackie:
Knee still giving you
trouble, Roseanne?

Why don't you get that fixed
with the new health care

all you suckers
got promised?

It works good enough
to kick your ass, snowflake.

There you go. All you people
go straight to the v*olence.

Every one of you wrapping
yourselves up in the flag

and clinging
to your g*ns.

Oh, that's such
a stereotype.

[ Groans ]

Where you going?

I just realized --
we got kids in the house

and I can't remember
where we hid our g*n.

Well, you must have
put it someplace

you thought
it would be safe.

Yeah, I was gonna put it
in the cleaning closet

'cause I know nobody
ever goes in there.

No, I put it
in the cleaning closet

'cause every time
I had to clean the house,

I'd like knowing
I had an option.

Well, looky here.

"Written by
Roseanne Conner."

Oh, trash that.

This would have sold
like hot cakes

if only you hadn't
k*lled off

the most interesting
character.

He was a gentle giant.
[ Chuckles ]

You know what
really would've helped, though?

More bondage
and a wizard school.

Hey.
Hey.

How was
your job interview?

Oh, [scoffs], well, the pay
was crap with no benefits,

there were people in line
ahead of me when I got there,

but someone did call me "ma'am,"
so that was great.

Hey!

Uh, some of your mail

got forwarded here
from your old address.

It's on
the kitchen counter.

Oh, well,
that is startling news.

Where's Jackie?

She's going to be back
in a little bit.

I'm sorry,
I'm just not giving up.

I invited her
to dinner.

I thought you cared
about our health.

Now I got to go take

one of your dad's
blood pressure pills.

You're k*lling
your father.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Still a good picture.

Uh, here's some dressing
for the table.

Oh, look, Dan --

Russian.

Spread these around.
I can't,
my nails are wet.

[ Chuckling ]
Your nails are wet.

You hear that,
honey?

My grandson's nails
are wet.

I like your nail polish,
Grandpa.

That's drywall, son.

Hey,
Aunt Jackie!
Hey,
oh-oh, Harris!

I love the outfit.

Six bucks.

I got it
at the hospital thrift store.

They're dead people's
clothes.

Well, those people must've died
from compliments.

Granny Rose!
Oh!

It's my
little princess!

...or senator or doctor
or captain of industry

because girls can be
whatever they want to be.

I want
to train cats to bark.

Good.
I think it's cool.

Aunt Jackie thinks
every girl

should grow up
and be president,

even if they're a "liar, liar,
pantsuit on fire."

I think we know who's a liar
and who's on fire, Roseanne.

Hey, Aunt Jackie.
D.J.!

Welcome back.

Thank you
for your service.

Thanks, but I've been out
of the Army for three months.

Oh, I've been off the force
for years,

but I can still taste
the adrenaline.

Um, how's the missus?

She win the w*r
over there yet?

Not yet.
Okay, well, thank her
for her service.

I brought salad.

Thank you
for your salad.

Darlene:
Hey, everybody,

this is the first
dinner together

we've had as a family
in a long time.

Let's try
to survive it.

Roseanne:
Oh, yeah.

First,
let's say grace.

Jackie, would you like
to take a knee?

Dear Lord,
thank you for this food

and for bringing our son, D.J.,
home safe from Syria.

Please protect his wife,
Geena,

and all our troops
still overseas.

Please watch over
our son, Jerry,

who's on
that stupid fishing boat

where apparently
they don't get phone calls.

But most of all, Lord...

thank you for making America
great again!

Mom.

No, it's okay,
Darlene.

I'm going to use
my life-coaching degree...

to model the behavior

that I teach all
my many, many clients.

In situations like this,
we don't name-call.

We respond
with a positive affirmation

about the other person.

You're looking
very fit.

Uh, apparently,
all that weight you lost

was the good Roseanne.

How could you have voted
for him, Roseanne?!

He talked about jobs,
Jackie!

He said
he'd shake things up!

I mean, this might come
as a complete shock to you,

but we almost lost our house,
the way things are going.

Have you looked at the news?
'Cause now things are worse.

Not on the real news!

Oh, puh-leeze!

Becky:
Hey, everybody.

I have
an announcement.

I'm having a baby.

A baby what?

There's this really
nice woman who wants
me to have her baby.

I'm gonna be
her surrogate.

You're pregnant?

No, I have
to fill out some forms

and answer a bunch
of questions first.

Daddy, is that how
you have a baby?

Yes.

And she's paying me...
$ , .

Wow!
Just for having a baby?

Dan, you owe me
$ , .

Right after my checkup,

I start getting the sh*ts
to produce extra eggs.

Hold up.

Extra eggs?

They're using your eggs?

Yeah, it's my eggs
and her husband's sperm.

Sorry, I know
you're eating.

But that's like selling off
one of our grandkids.

Mom, if I do this,
I can pay off my credit cards,

I could buy a new car,

maybe put something
down on a house.

I can't do that
working at the restaurant.

Is anyone gonna mention the fact
that she's like ?

I'm ...

and I told her
I was ,

which, according to the lady
at the MAC counter,

is my skin age.

[ Snaps ]

Oh, well, you should've used
your IQ, Becky.

You could've said
you were .

[ Snaps ]

Becky, I know
you've had a hard time

since your husband died.

I think this would be
a wonderful opportunity

for you to get back
on your feet,

and if you need
anybody to talk to,

anybody to drive you
to appointments,

I'm here for you.

Anybody want to know
what I think?

Dan, it's her body,
her decision.

Right, Roseanne?

Jackie's right,
Dan.

It's --
It's Becky's call.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll be out
the garage.

I better
go talk to him.

[ Door slams ]

I'll wait 'til he has
a couple of beers first.

That oughta do it.

Can you believe the
way she put us both
on the spot like that?

I'm not letting Becky
do this, Roseanne.

In this family,
if you get pregnant,

you're gonna have
the baby.

We're gonna love
the baby,

we're gonna raise the
baby to believe that
anything is possible,

until the time
the baby realizes

it got screwed by being born
into this family,

then we're gonna send that baby
out into the world

until such time said baby
returns home to us to live...

with its own baby!

Well, I don't want
her selling off our
grandkids, either, Dan,

but, you know,

if there's one thing
we learned about Becky

is we can't tell her
what to do

'cause then she'll just go do
the exact opposite.

I mean, remember
we told her not
to get married?

She got married.

Remember we told her
not to get that

Marky Mark
and the Funky Bunch tattoo?

She got the tattoo.

Yeah, and we told her
she had to finish high school,

so she didn't
finish high school?

She didn't
finish high school?

You miss a lot of stuff

when you're out drinking
in the garage, Dan.

[ Scoffs ]
That's the whole point.

So, aren't you gonna say
anything about the baby?

You're not having
a baby.

Of course you're gonna
give me crap about this.

No, I'm merely pointing out,
at your age,

your uterus should be designated
a historic landmark.

At least I'm
taking care of myself.

I'm not living at home
with my parents.

[ Scoffs ]
I'm taking care of them,

they're not
taking care of me.

I mean, [scoffs], look,
M-Mom and Jackie are fighting,

Dad and Mom aren't taking
their medication.

I didn't want
to come home.

I had to come home because
this family's falling apart.

You're too selfish
to care about anyone but you.

You just keep telling yourself
that, Darlene.

And, by the way,
I'm about to have a baby.

I don't need to be
stressed out.

I don't live here
anymore.

Don't be mean
to your sister.

She's an old woman
trying to have a baby.

And, by the way,
Darlene,

if you want to tell everybody
that you came home

to take care of us,
we'll back you up on that.

What are you
talking about?

That is
why I came home.

Your severance check
got forwarded here.

You lost your job,
right?

Y-You opened my mail?

Yeah, I never stopped.

That is such
a huge violation.

No, it's not.
That's this one.

They caught you
on a red light camera.

It looks like
you're reading a magazine.

Okay. You know,
what do you want me to say?

I lost my job, okay?

You know, I-I didn't know
what else to do.

I got two kids,
I got no partner,

[voice breaking]
so I came home.

Well, why didn't you
just say that?

Because
it's embarrassing.

You know, I just --

I thought I'd be
a huge success by now.

[ Sniffles ]

I-I thought I could buy
a huge house...

[voice breaking] that I could
hold over your head.

That would've
been sweet.

Anyway, please just don't tell
Becky and D.J. about this.

My scathing commentary
on their life

would be
severely compromised.

Oh, come here.

[ Singsong voice ]
My little loser.

[ Both laugh ]

Shut up. I'm not letting
you eat that pie.

Shhhh!

♪♪

Well, I finally
got you alone.

Are you
out of your damn mind?

Becky's about to make
a horrible mistake,

and you're
talking about helping her out

and driving her
to the doctor?

Dan and me don't want her
to be a surrogate!

What has happened
to you?

You always believed
in "my body, my choice."

Right, and her body
came out of my body,

so it's my choice.

You just can't stand
for anybody

to have their own opinions
about anything, can you?

So you tell them how stupid
they are all the time,

and you get them
to question

what they believe
in their heart

is the right thing to do

until they make
some enormous mistake

that tears America apart

and brings the world
to the brink

of nuclear apocalypse!

So, I'm guessing

this isn't
about Becky's eggs anymore.

You kept saying

what a disaster it would be
if she got elected

and how I wasn't
seeing the big picture

and how everything
was rigged,

and then I go
into the booth

and I voted
for Jill Stein!

Who's Jill Stein?

Some doctor!

You did such a good job
of making me doubt myself

and feel so stupid
that I choked,

which helped
get him elected.

Well, the important thing
is that you voted.

Being away from you
this past year

proved to me that I make
good decisions on my own.

I miss the family...

but I would rather
be alone

than let you
bully me again.

Jackie,
it is not my fault

that I just happen to be
a charismatic person

who's always right
about everything.

And I never said
you were stupid.

[ Stammering ]

Well, I didn't mean it.

You're relatively smart.

And I guess
I didn't mean to imply

that you're some
right-wing jackass.

I should have tried
to understand

why you voted
the crazy way that you did.

And I should have understood
that, you know,

you want the government to give
everybody free health care

'cause you're
a good-hearted person

who can't do
simple math.

[ Chuckling ]
Thank you. And...

[voice breaking]
...I'm sorry.

And...you...?

[ Voice breaking ]
I forgive you.

[ Voice breaking ]
I know how hard
that was for you.

♪♪

[ Gasping
and squealing ]

It is so great
to finally meet you!

And I can see
why you picked me.

I mean, look at us.

We could be
the same person.

Oh, my God.

I mean, it is like
looking in the mirror

before I put my makeup on.
[ Chuckles ]

Now, I have
all the paperwork here

for you to take home
and review.

Uh, Agreement Form,
Medical Release --

it's standard stuff.

I also have some questions
about your genetic history,

so I should probably
meet your family.

You want to meet
my family?

You know
what would save time?

If I showed you
pictures on my phone

and described them
instead.

Mm, say no more.

I know how families
can be.

Do you think
I could warm them up

with a monthly delivery
of fresh, organic pears?

That'd be perfect.

They've all been meaning
to try a pear.