03x04 - A Sew, Sew Evening

[bunniefuu]

Blue . Hi-hi-hike!
Brad, go long.

All right.

Deeper! Deeper! Deep
this, Mini Montana.

We were just about to
take that outside. Nice try.

Is Mom home?

No.

Great! Go long by the
couch. Give me a down.

All right!

Hey, didn't you sign
up for an elective today?

Yeah. Let's go, Randy.

No, wait a minute.
I'm real proud of you.

Your first year of shop -
the Year of the Ashtray.

Actually, Brad's taking home ec.

What?

This is the Year of
the Muffin. No way!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Home ec? You
really gotta take shop.

It's where you learn about tools,
building things, tearing stuff down, and...

(grunts)

Yeah, but home ec
is me and girls.

What do you wanna
be around girls for?

Oh-ho-ho! I catch you.

Before you go jumping
in a room with girls,

you really should take shop.

Why?

Shop prepares you for women.

You learn how to cut
wood. How to sever a finger.

You learn pain.

Then you're ready for women.

Well, what do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Hey, Tool Man! Oh!

I watch you on TV
all the time. I love you.

I love you too. Who are you?

Joe Morton, your new neighbor.

I just moved into the
house across the alley.

Hey, all right. I saw
the moving van. Uh-huh.

Did I see a -inch-square TV?

Know what's great
on the big screen?

What? Tool Time!

Welcome to the neighborhood.
What line of work you in?

I'm in meat. You're The
Tool Man, I'm The Meat Man.

Morton Meats. You
heard of us? Yeah!

Yeah. Eight locations.
Best meat in the Midwest.

You want a pen?

There's a cow on there. Yeah.

Turn it upside down,
see what she does.

(mooing)

Kind of like "moo" power.

That's great. This hot
rod's a beaut. What year?

This is ' . Really?

Look more like a ' body on a
' chassis to me. No, it's all ' .

I'm no expert, but I go to
the hot rod show every year.

Well, Meat Man, I
built it myself. It's a ' .

So, I guess a big-time cable TV host
like you makes out pretty good, huh?

I guess you could say I got the
highest credit limit allowed at Sears.

Still, you can't be making Bob
Vila money, right? He's on real TV.

It's common knowledge that
Vila's overpaid for what he does.

Oh, I hit a nerve,
huh? Don't sit on that.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you're
making, you must be doing OK.

Yeah. Bought you
one of these babies.

I'm OK. I'm OK. Don't
worry about me. I wasn't.

What kind of grill is
that? Well, it's, um...

Oh! It's a dented
reproduction of a ' roadster.

Just tell me how much it
cost. I'll give you the cash now.

It was an accident.
I can pound that out.

I just figured I'd drive it
before I put a dent in it.

That's funny!

I like that, you can
just shake things off.

I'm gonna get back
on this windshield.

Don't mind me.
I'm a fly on the wall.

Wish I had some
insect repellent.

I'll just buzz around
and watch. All right.

(horn blares)

I really got something
to do inside.

What is it? A little problem.

What's wrong?
What's wrong? Uh...

It's my wife.

She's got this condition.

I gotta go wake
her up, dress her,

pour coffee down her
throat to get her going.

I hear you, buddy.

No, that's not it...

Timmy, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I see you on TV, I figure
there's a guy who got it made.

Now I find out there's a
dark side to The Tool Man.

Hm. Take care, buddy.
Here's your paper.

Beauty!

Does everybody
know what time it is?

Tool Time! That's right.

Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

(cheering)

Thank you, Heidi.

Welcome to Tool Time. I am
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Y'all know my assistant, Al "God
knows what's under that beard" Borland.

Today Al and I will be
talking about fencing.

In order to do that, I'm
gonna need my dueling dowel.

Heidi? Here you go, Tim.

Thanks, Heidi. You're welcome.

En garde, big fella. Come
on, Flannel Man. Tim.

Tim. Tim.

He's scared.

This is not the type of
fencing we're talking about.

We're talking
about the classic...

(audience gasps)

(applause)

Fencing champion,
Gilmore High, .

Al and I have done this to
prove a point. No, we haven't.

Just as Al defended
himself against me,

a sturdy fence is a great
way to defend your home -

the best way to keep out
dogs, cats and a pesky neighbor.

The good thing is, you don't have
to be a master carpenter to build one.

A big plus for
you, Tim. Could be.

As I said, this is the classic
alternate-board fence.

We wanna show you how
to keep that fence plumb.

For that, we need
a jig. Tim, the jig?

(♪ hums jig)

This will help keep your fence
plumb, as well as help with spacing.

While Al's fiddling
around with his plumb,

I'll discuss another way
to stop a pesky neighbor.

You guessed it,
electrical shock.

(laughter)

To demonstrate that, we've
installed an invisible doggy fence.

We have? Yes. Right
through the floor here.

Now, Foo Foo
wears a special collar.

When attached to him,
it activates the fence.

If Foo Foo were dumb
enough to try to stray,

he gets a mild,
correctional shock.

Grr.

(buzzing) (yelping)

Grr!

(buzzing) (yelping)

Now, this will work on
that pesky neighbor...

if you can get him to
wear the collar. (laughter)

Al, won't you be my neighbor?

(laughter and applause)

I don't think so, Tim. Let's
get back to building that fence.

We're gonna need more slats,

so if you'll walk over and
grab those slats for me,

we can finish it.

Sure thing.

Could you get me
those nails there, Tim?

(buzzing)

(laughter)

So I said to the salesman, "Either
give me a new pair of pantyhose,

or I'll strangle
you with these."

Marie, you are so
good with people.

You know, you gotta love you.

I learned that in therapy.

This may come as a surprise to
you, but I used to be a meek person.

Oh, so was I. Until
we moved to Texas.

You can't be meek in
Texas - it's a state law.

Can you get this? Oh, yeah.

Thanks a lot, Jill. I know I'll find
ours as soon as I finish unpacking.

Don't worry about it. We
always have extra toasters.

Tim goes through
them quickly. (chuckles)

How about a piece
of cake? I'd love some.

But I really shouldn't -

my therapist says
I have food issues.

Oh, please! Who doesn't?

So you're in therapy?
Yeah. Started two weeks ago.

I got a coupon.

Discount therapy! This
is an interesting idea.

Maybe I shouldn't tempt you.

What does that therapist
know? He accepts coupons!

So how about a
little piece, then?

How about a big hunk? OK!

Tim, I want you to come
over here and meet Marie.

She's volunteered to
help me with the library

fundraiser. You finally
hooked somebody.

Yeah. I got a piece of cake out of
the deal, too. Nice to meet you, Marie.

Hi, handsome. Thank
you. There you go.

I want to sit and chitchat, but
I'm gonna go put the grill on.

I'll show it to you later.

I thought you
already did that today.

I didn't tell you. I
met our new neighbor,

Mr. Meat Man, Mr. Obnoxious.

This guy comes
over, breaks the grill...

Did he happen to give you a pen?

Yeah, with a big cow
on. Know the guy?

Mm, I'm married
to him. Oh, yeah!

Wait a minute. I said
"obnoxious" - I meant "gregarious."

Listen, no need
to explain to me.

I call him a lot
worse, believe me.

I gotta go home, Jill. I
gotta cook some supper.

But you didn't finish your
cake! I'm taking it with me.

Oh, OK. I'll walk you out. All
right. See you later, dollface.

Nice to meet you. Oh, Tim.

While I'm gone, can you try to
get your foot out of your mouth?

I'm gonna pound you!
Hey, hey, cut it out.

You're supposed to be setting
the table. What's going on?

Word got out about lover
boy's idea to meet girls.

Every guy in the seventh
grade signed up for home ec.

Dad, they put us in separate
class - boys and no girls.

And we have to sew!

I'd like to help you
out, Brad, I really would.

But I got a whole drawer full
of socks that need darning.

Man!

And maybe after that you
can crochet me a sweater.

Yeah.

You gotta still set that table!
No running in the house!

Nice going, as usual, Tim!

I smoothed it over, though. We're having
dinner with Joe and Marie on Saturday.

We don't wanna do that!

I do. I like Marie.

I don't like Joe. You
don't know that guy.

You only spent a couple
of minutes with him.

And he's loud, obnoxious,
thinks he knows about cars.

Why does this sound familiar?

Oh, look, you like Marie? Why
don't you go out with Marie?

Come on, they're new in the
neighborhood. They don't know anybody.

Besides, it's an opportunity for us to
go out with another couple for a change.

Well, pick another couple.
How about Jack and Suzanne?

They don't like you.

We could go out with the couple
we went out with last weekend?

Al and his mother do
not constitute a couple.

Al's mother by herself constitutes
a couple. "Where's the meat?"

You're going!

Grr!

I'll tell you what. Let's
just go to the salad bar -

we can be out of
here in one hour.

Oh, right. And if we don't chew,

we can be out of
here in five minutes.

Hey, Tool Man! Oh!

Finally, I'm meeting
Mrs. Tool Man.

Honey, honey, her name's Jill.

Hey, Jill. Hi, Joe.

Come here. I'm a
hugger. I'm a shaker.

Sit down! Sit down, please.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Tonight everything's
on The Meat Man.

Don't look at the prices. Order
whatever you want. Ah, chicken I'll have.

You don't come to a place like the
Chuck House for chicken. You want steak.

Honey, let him
order what he wants.

Why don't you try the steak?

I don't want the steak.
I'd like the chicken.

But you can get chicken
anywhere. I like the chicken here.

No, you want the steak
here. They make it so rare,

you need eight rolls
to sop up the blood.

I think I'll have the chicken.

Jill, you gotta have the steak.

It's just what the doctor
ordered for your condition.

What condition? Tell
us about the steaks.

I told you, she doesn't have
a condition. Tim said she did.

He's right you can go anywhere
for chicken. Let's have steaks.

And what condition
would that be, Tim?

Tim said you got no pep

and you stay in bed
for days at a time.

And why did you say
that?! I didn't say that.

Yeah, you did. I did not.

Then what did you say?

I was in the garage. I can't remember what
I say in the garage 'cause of the fumes.

Look, the drinks
are here. Oh, boy.

We didn't order any
drinks. Joe took the liberty.

For the three of us, I
got Cabernet Sauvignon.

And for you, Jill,
I got, uh... this.

What is this? It's
a Shirley Temple.

Yeah, Tim told me about
your other little problem.

Excuse me, waitress? Can you
bring us some extra rolls, please?

I'm gonna need 'em
to sop up all the blood.

(horror film on TV)

I'm never gonna
finish this stupid hat.

Well, then you won't get a chance
to make the skirt that goes with it.

How'd you like a split lip?

Great. You'd get extra
credit for sewing it back up.

Hey, hey! All right, all
right! Cool down, you guys.

Randy, don't make
fun of your brother.

Sewing is a valuable skill
that has served me well.

You know how to
sew? You're darn tootin'!

And I learned to
sew in the navy.

I didn't know you
were in the navy.

Signed up when I was .

Wanted to travel the world,
cast my fortune to the wind,

sail the seven seas.

Where'd you sail?

Nowhere.

I was stationed
in Fallon, Nevada.

(garage door opening)

Holy smokes, your
folks are home!

Quick, turn that
off. Get up to bed.

Mark! Mark, wake up.

Wake up, you gotta go to sleep.

But I was sleeping.

Hi. Hey. So, how
was the evening?

Great. I'm hungry. I thought
you went out to dinner.

His steak was a little rare.

A little rare? That
steak had a bell on it!

Where are those cookies?

I ate them.

All of 'em?

You're not paying me. You said
I could eat whatever I wanted.

Don't pay any attention to him.

He's probably just upset because his
wife has severe emotional problems.

I told Joe that to get him out of
the garage. We've discussed this.

So you said, "My
wife is a slug"?

I was desperate. Where
are those little sausages?

Al, Tim told our new neighbors

that I was a depressed
alcoholic with a sleeping disorder.

Only an insensitive jerk
would have repeated that.

If you wanted those sausages,
you should have told me.

Would you shut up?!

This isn't Al's problem. No,
the problem is The Meat Man.

No, the problem is your
brain serves no function

other than keeping
your head from caving in!

(softly) Wilson.

Wilson!

Wilson.

Tim? Wilson, you up?

I am now.

Have you ever had a
real annoying neighbor?

Tim, is this a trick question?

No, I'm talking about
that guy next door to me.

He just moved in - Joe.

He's already bugging me.

I know the feeling, Tim.

That guy is such
a pain in the butt.

Just being around him
gives me a headache.

Tim, you wouldn't happen to
have an aspirin on you, would you?

What would you do?

Well, what I would do, when I'm
face-to face with an irksome individual,

I always say look for
the good in people.

Huh. And that works?
Most of the time.

And if it doesn't...

I take his ball away.

Hey, Tool Man. (clank)

Boy, you're jumpy!

Do you ever use
the front door, Joe?

You really got me in
hot water with your wife.

I kept trying to figure out
why you'd tell me a lie like that.

Then it comes to me.

You're having an affair, right?
No, I'm not having an affair.

OK, then I know what
it is. You hate me.

I wouldn't say that...

Hey, don't apologize.

I know The Meat Man
comes on strong sometimes.

I'm not everybody's cut of beef.

I'm sorry.

Hey, look. I'm the one who should
apologize for that stupid story.

Well, I should learn how
to let people eat chicken.

Anyway, Tool Man, I
got something for you.

That's all right, Joe.
You didn't need to do that.

Hey!

Hey!

This is an original ' .

Yeah, well, I felt real bad
about denting your fake one.

These are impossible to find. I looked
for two years. Not for The Meat Man.

I called in a few
favors, drove to Ohio,

bingo-bango, you
got yourself a grill.

The grill of my dreams!

This must have cost a fortune.
Don't worry about it. I'm doing great.

When the hot rod's all done, give me a spin
around the block, we'll call it even, OK?

You got it. See
you around, buddy.

Thanks, Joe.

Was that Joe's
voice I heard? Yeah.

Look what he did.

He found an original grill
for the ' - an original!

You know, like I always say,

you just gotta find
the good in people.

So now you like The Meat Man?

(grunts) Yeah, I like Meat Man.

And honey, I apologize for making
up that stupid story. I was out of line.

But you know what? If you and Marie
want to go out as a couples, I'm in.

Marie and I definitely wanna
go out as couples. All right.

We just gotta find
two other guys.

Yeah, Jerry. Oh, you want
us to see your vacation videos?

Oh, that's too
bad. We can't do it.

No, no. Tim's working late.

No, he's not here.

I'm so sorry. Maybe
some other time.

OK, bye-bye.

Liar, liar, bra's on fire!

So you wanna go to
over to Jerry and Sheila's,

and watch them argue
their way through Europe?

That's not the point. Why is it I can't
lie about you and you can lie about me?

Because I'm better at it!

Tim, if you're gonna lie about me,
you have to use common sense.

Wait. Hold on. We have
to find another guideline.

Why don't we just sit down and discuss
acceptable lies and non-acceptable lies.

OK, OK. I'll give
you some, all right?

Lie number one...

"I can't go out tonight

because my wife is accepting
a Mother of the Year award."

OK. All right, lie number two.

"I can't go out tonight because
my wife is finishing her third book."

Reading it or
writing it? Very funny!

All right, I'm getting the vibe.

"We can't go out tonight because
my wife is braiding her back hair."

Not acceptable! A
little over the top?

Yeah. All right.

"I can't go out tonight
because my wife will be

hugging me and smothering
me in romantic kisses."

Acceptable, but nauseating. OK.

I always say look for
the good in people.

And that works?
Most of the time.

And if it doesn't...

I miss the ball!

I always say look for
the good in people.

And that works?
Most of the time.