03x07 - Blow Up

[bunniefuu]

You want your bedroom
the color of a football.

Your wife wants it
the color of a daisy.

What color do you
prefer, men? Football!

Hey, hey! Daisy.

(cheering)

Well, Tim, I like my
bedroom to be light and airy.

Just like Al.

We're going to paint the
bedroom the color of a football.

Now, how do we match
this color perfectly?

We use the Binford
Paint Boy. Right.

It mixes the color and
analyzes the pigments.

Would that be the
Three Little Pigments?

No, Tim, it wouldn't.

Sure it would.
Take your football,

set it underneath the electric
eye, press your color key,

and boom - we've got
ourselves Touchdown Brown.

And this works with
more than just footballs.

You can duplicate any
of your favorite colors.

That's right.

Antifreeze Green,
Roadkill Gray... Oh.

Smash-Your-Thumb-
With-A-Hammer Purple.

But today, we develop a
color just for Tool Time -

the color Al.

Excuse me, Tim?

I'm gonna make
a color out of you.

You'll be bigger than Fuchsia.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Let's show 'em what the
machine can do. Play along, Al.

That's not what the machine...

Al, just put your
finger in there.

There you go.

OK.

One part Pasty White,
two parts Flannel. OK.

I don't wanna be a color.

Neither did Red, and look how
well things turned out for him.

Computer's in. All right.

(burbling) Oh, yeah.

Now we got a bucket of Al, and I'm
ready to paint with Big Al here. OK.

Of course, Al is economical
in the gallon size here.

Al goes on smooth,
just like that.

The Al paint can be cleaned
up with soap and water.

Unlike the real Al, which needs
turpentine and a wire brush.

For larger jobs - industrial
buildings and warehouses -

we suggest a roller and a
couple of gallons of Al's mom.

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Hey, Tim. Hey, Joe. What's up?

Hey, what are you doin'?

Taking my hot rod apart.

Didn't you just put this
thing together? Or am I nuts?

Bingo on both counts.

I'm taking it apart
piece by piece,

send it to my paint
guy - Fred Axleby.

Should be all ready
to go in two months.

Two months? I got a paint
guy who'll spray it in one hour.

You don't even have
to get out of the car.

In one hour? Will
he develop my film?

Oh. Sorry. So, is
Marie over here?

She and Jill are in
looking at dresses

for that library
fund-raiser thing.

Which is why I'm in the garage.

Women and clothes! Why do they make
such a big deal out of what they wear?

It's important.

In my case, I'm thinking about a
three-piece pin-striped blue suit

with tasseled loafers.

But I'll almost certain
I'm gonna go with

the off-the-shoulder
taffeta gown with the pumps.

Can't. That's what I'm wearing.

I'll go with the sling-backs.
That's a good look for you.

OK.

Ohh. That is beautiful!

I don't know. It is
really expensive.

Oh, God! Even
my butt looks good.

Come on, Jill. You know
you deserve this dress.

The library is halfway at
its goal because of you.

Why else do you think we're
having a dinner in your honor?

No, I can't. I don't even know
if I can sit down in this thing.

So what? It's a buffet.

Hey, hon. Hey,
Jill. (Jill) Hi, Joe.

Tim, how sensational
does Jill look in this dress?

Wow!

She looks good. I've
always liked her in that dress.

Tim, this is brand-new.
You've never seen it before.

On you. I've seen it.

Al's got that dress.

Tim, tell her to forget about the
money and buy the dress, please.

Honey, buy the dress. You
never do anything nice for yourself.

You know how you are.

What do you mean? How am I?

You're... tight, thrifty,
cheap, cheap-o.

I am not cheap! I'm... frugal.

Frugal? You save pickle juice.

I re-use it in the tuna fish.

If you like the dress, buy it.
We'll save money some other way.

We won't feed the kids
for a couple of months.

Hey, I got a dress guy who'll
get you the same thing for half.

No. Really? For half? Mm-hmm.

Not a knockoff? Not a second?

The same exact dress. It's
completely on the up and up.

Wow. OK. What's his name?

Can't say.

Well, what's his number?

No, you don't call
him. He calls you.

And when he calls, you say,
"The swallows fly... at midnight."

No, really. Is this on the
up and up? You swear?

I guarantee it. I've known the guy for
years. I'll have him call you tomorrow.

Great. OK. But make sure, because I
gotta have this by the end of the week.

There's the designer, this is
the dress size. Don't tell anybody.

I'd better get this off before I do
something to it. See you later, Marie.

And thank you, Joe! Sure.

Tim, the photo lab called.

They said you didn't
bring in the picture yet.

Picture?

The picture of Jill you were
supposed to bring in three weeks ago.

Picture?

The one we're gonna blow up and
have everyone sign at the dinner.

The picture.

You gotta get it to
the photo lab by six

if we're gonna have
it on Saturday night.

No problem. All right.
You know, it's : now.

Big problem. Huge
problem. I know.

I can't believe the dress isn't here
yet. We have to be there in minutes.

Why did I ever get involved
with Joe's dress guy?

Because you're
frugal. (Jill sighs)

You should never have
let me return that dress.

I tried to talk you
into buying the dress.

Don't argue with me now, please.

We've got to get out of here.
Come on. You look great.

I'm wearing a bathrobe!

Put on some slippers. Let's go.

Wait. Why don't you wear that
slinky blue dress that's low-cut...

I don't have a blue dress.

Then who was that?

Oh, I remember. Oh, ho-ho!

(doorbell rings)

Oh, good. He's finally here.

Oh, no. It's just Al.

It's not exactly "Glad to
see you," but I'll take it.

Sorry. It's just that I'm
waiting for somebody.

Well, you look great.

I'm wearing a robe. Doesn't
anybody notice? I'm wearing a robe!

Hey, guys. Hey, Al!

All right! Yeah! Hey!

I got a big evening
planned for us tonight.

Can we go see Blood-Sucking
Vampires From Mars?

No, you're not seeing
that movie. Why not?

I wanna see that as a family.

No, we're not gonna
go see a movie tonight.

I thought we'd do something
a little more interactive.

How does... miniature golf at
the Putt Putt Panorama sound?

Hey, cool! They have an
awesome video arcade.

No, no, no!

You don't go to Putt
Putt to play video games.

You go there for one thing and
one thing only - miniature golf.

All right! Let's go!

I don't know. I'd
rather see a movie.

Yeah. I wanna see
The Nuttiest Raccoon.

The Nuttiest Raccoon?

Trust me, Mark, it's a big
disappointment. He was not that nutty.

I can't believe I had
to wear this dress.

Everybody's seen it. I've
worn it a thousand times.

I've taken it in,
out, up, down...

Jill, I'm really
sorry about this.

But you'll be happy to
know that, as of this minute,

I'm getting a new dress guy.

Joe, don't take this the wrong
way, but... I have to k*ll you.

Honey, honey.

The parking-lot attendant loved this
dress. He said his mom's got one like it.

Marie, come with me.
I gotta go fix my face.

Good idea.

Not that... There's
nothing wrong with...

I didn't... There's no reason...

Boy, your wife
is really steamed.

Welcome to my world.

There's Jill's picture.

I'll write something nice on it.
Maybe she won't be so mad at me.

That's the picture
you picked out?

It looked a lot better on her
driver's license, I'll tell you that.

You blew up her
driver's license?

It's all I could find. She
hid all the photo albums.

Oh, boy, are you in trouble.

No. I'm dead.

I'm past dead. I'm
deader than dead.

You know, but the good
news is, I'm off the hook.

I'm gonna get something to eat.

Honey, honey. You
don't wanna go in there.

Why not?

You're the guest of honor. We gotta
make a big hit. Let's go in the back way.

No, no, no. There
is no back way.

There is no back way.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let's go through the basement,
get in the heating ducts, crawl up,

at the right time, pop
through a vent, "Hi. I'm Jill."

What?!

Trust me. I have a TV show.

In front of an
audience, it'll be huge!

Tim, quit kidding. I wanna
show Jill the surprise we got her.

No, you don't. What surprise?

The committee did something
special, but we can't take all the credit.

Remember, Tim
picked out the picture.

Oh, honey. You gave me
a surprise. That's so nice.

Gosh, darn it. Why don't we
all see the surprise together?

(gasps)

You blew up my
driver's license picture?!

That's the surprise.

I gotta go fix my face.

Well, honey...

all in all, it was a pretty
good evening, wasn't it?

It was a great speech.

Ah, that roast beef
was good, wasn't it?

Who would've thought of serving
potatoes with the roast beef?

What was that sauce they
had, special sauce they had...?

Gravy. Gravy.

But it was beef gravy, it
was spiced, it was so...

Shut up, Tim. Oh.

How could you blow up my driver's
license picture? How could you do that?

Well, it was better-looking
than your passport photo.

Were there only
two choices here?

Tim, there's tons of
pictures of me in this house.

I didn't have time.

Why not?

'Cause Marie sprang this
on me at the last minute.

The last minute?

The very last minute.

If she'd given me some time, I'd
have picked out a perfect picture.

Oh. So you're just saying
this was all Marie's fault.

I wouldn't want to
point the finger at her.

In fact, I wouldn't
even mention it to her.

Who are you calling? The time.

Oh, I got the time. It's : .

Hello, Marie? Oh, boy.

How much time did you
give Tim to get that picture?

Three weeks. Yeah,
yeah. Thanks, Marie. Bye.

Hey, how's Marie?

Three weeks. You
said the last minute.

Who are you gonna believe?

My... my guess would be Marie.

Thank you for ruining one of the
most important nights of my life.

It didn't ruin it. You
raised all the money.

People loved your
speech. Oh, come on.

There is a bright spot. Everybody
was laughin' so hard at the picture,

they didn't see that
skaggy dress you have on.

(door slams)

Hey, why don't I just
sleep on the couch?

We're back!

Hey, Dad, I beat Al.
I got a hole in one.

Yes, he got a hole in one!

Do we have to keep
hearing about it?

Brad got a hole in one.
Yippee, yippee, yippee.

Sounds like you
ruffled a few feathers.

When he plays miniature
golf, he's like a different person.

That could be a good thing.

Dad, he's psycho golfer.

I happen to take
the game seriously.

Al, it's just miniature golf.

Dad, he brought his own clubs.

Even a -iron.

He made a little girl cry.

Well, she walked right in
front of the clown's mouth!

Well, something had to be said.

The manager kicked us out.

Al is now banned for life
from the Putt Putt Panorama.

Well, big deal!

As soon as that manager graduates
from high school, I'll be back.

While you're waitin', Al,

why don't you look into
Miniature Golfers Anonymous?

Oh, boy. That is a terrib...
ly nice picture of you.

Thanks a lot, Al.

(boys) Hi, Mom. Whoa!

Mom, is that you? That's the
worst picture I've ever seen.

Yeah. You look like
the Nuttiest Raccoon.

Your father picked it out.

Way to go, Dad.

Wouldn't wanna be
in your shoes, bud.

Go to bed! Brush your teeth!

I'm... I'm real sorry
about this picture, Jill.

Look, I'm not just
upset about the picture.

I'm upset because of the fact
that you never even realized

how important this
whole night was to me.

I know now.

You should've known before.

I've been talking about the
library fund-raiser for months,

and every time I do,
your eyes just glaze over,

and you go, "Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh."

Uh-huh.

Right.

Honey, that's how I concentrate.

So, you're saying that you heard everything
I said about the library fund-raiser?

Yeah. It's right up here. Yeah?

Well... what are we
raising money for?

The library.

What part of the library?

The part of the library that
needs money raised for it.

You see? It's useless.

I guess it's too much
to expect you to put

yourself aside and
think of me for a change.

Wait a minute. You
don't always listen

when I'm telling you stuff
that's important to me.

Tim, when you talk, I listen.

Really? Yeah!

Uh-huh.

What kind of carburetors
are on the hot rod?

Holley double
pumpers. Holley... What?

Holley double pumpers.

I've told you about the engine.

What kind of engine do I
have in the hot rod? Huh?

small block, bored
over with a crank.

Tires?

/ R- s.

Aha!

They're s!

And you say you listen to me.

Is it written on here somewhere?

Hi-ho, neighbor.

Hidey-ho, Wilson.

Jill! What a pleasant surprise.

You're out late.

Mm-hmm. Just doing
a little stargazing.

You know, they say if you
had a strong enough telescope,

you could look back in
time to very early man

before his brain
was fully developed.

Come over to our house. You can
see the same thing without a telescope.

Trouble in the Taylor galaxy?

Yeah. It's the Big Dip.

Tim?

I just don't think he's
ever gonna change.

When I first met him, I thought he
had such great potential for sensitivity.

But here it is years later,
and he's still stuck at "potential."

Well, Jill, I can
understand your frustration.

You know, it's been said

that men marry women
hoping they won't change.

Women marry men
hoping they will.

Are you saying there's no
hope? No, not necessarily.

In the time I've known Tim,

I've seen him progress
and evolve significantly.

We're talking about Tim
"The Tool Man" Taylor?

Yes, indeed. As a matter of
fact, when he first moved in,

I had to remind him
when your birthday was.

Now I just have to
remind him to get a gift.

Well, I guess that's
some improvement.

His table manners are better.

It's been a while since I've
seen him sh**t peas out his nose.

Well, there you go.

It's just... he's
evolving so slowly.

Well, Jill, I'm reminded of
an old Chinese proverb -

Be not afraid of growing slowly.

Be afraid only
of standing still.

I'm sure that Tim will eventually
become the man you want him to be.

Yeah, but with my
luck, he'll be ,

and he'll listen to everything I
say, but he won't know who I am.

Today on Tool Time, the
name of the game is frames.

You can frame a house.

You can frame your lenses.

You can frame... a co-worker.

Tim, we're supposed to be
talking about picture frames.

A good frame can accentuate
the beauty of any subject.

Of course, there's
exceptions to every rule.

We'll be cutting our wood at a
-degree angle with our miter box.

While Al's busy
working, I'd like to veer

off the subject for
a little bit, if I could.

I don't think men know just
how selfish we can be sometimes.

It might come to a shock
to the audience here,

but the old "Tool Man" can
be a little insensitive at times.

I know I'm taken aback.

(mouths)

How often do we
put ourselves aside

and think about the women
in our lives we cherish?

I know all the wives out there
know I'm kidding around...

I know there's some point
to this, but I'm not seeing it.

I was thinking
about what you said,

so I got you something special.

(gasps)

Tim, I don't
believe you did this.

I just wanted everyone
to see you like I see you.

Honey, that's really sweet.

Not only did I get the
right picture this time,

I went and had
everybody re-sign it.

Even that plastic surgeon who wrote,
"I hope you have a good personality"?

You should've seen his face

when I walked in during
liposuction to get the signature.

Oh... Tim.

This is so great
that you did this.

But, um... you
know, I just gotta say,

it's really big. So what
are we gonna do with it?

I'll buy you a big
wallet. (laughs)

In the meantime, tonight I'm
gonna cook you a fabulous dinner.

Steak, mashed potatoes and peas.

That is so sweet.

I'm gonna use those little peas I
can sh**t halfway across the room.

Two players, one shot apiece.

The -year-old versus
Al "I Got a Slice" Borland.

Dad, this is so stupid.

Afraid, huh?

He's afraid of you?
I don't think so, Al.

Good! You got the
whole thing put together...

Tim, I thought we
threw that away.

I'm recycling.

Could we have some quiet
here? I'm trying to line up my shot.

Boy, take a pill, will you?

It's not your shot, anyway.
Brad the champion goes first.

Champion, champion,
champion. Just go.

Loosen up your
swing. Concentrate.

(cheering)

Can I... Can I go now?

The game is not over.

Pressure's on, Al.

Next up, Al "The Double
Bogeyman" Borland.

Al's always had trouble
on these greens here.

Doesn't like the
concession... area.

And you can use
this with more...

(garbles words) (Tim laughs)

Aah!

(stage manager) Again. , ...

And you can use this with
more than just footballs.

(woman giggles)

What's... What is...? (giggling)

What's the line? (laughter)

And this works with more than just
footballs. Work with more than just...

This works with more
than just footballs.

You can also duplicate
any of your favorite colors.

That's right. (laughter)