06x16 - Not with My Wife, I Don't

[bunniefuu]

♪ Who can turn the
world on with her smile ♪

♪ Who can take a nothing day ♪

♪ And suddenly make
it all seem worthwhile ♪

♪ Well, it's you, girl
and you should know it ♪

♪ With each glance and every
little movement you show it ♪

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪

♪ You're gonna
make it after all ♪♪

How's this for a
feature story, Mar?

We do a segment exposing the shameful
lack of originality on television today.

Murr, they did that
last week on Channel 6.

So what?

Hello, muckrakers.

Mary, I just dropped by, dear, to tell you
to be sure to stop in my studio this week.

I'm devoting all my shows to
you poor, unfortunate single girls.

[Chuckles] I'm gonna be...

I'm gonna be telling them how
to cook for the potential mate,

how to dress for
the potential mate.

Sue Ann, in case you've
forgotten, you are single also.

Oh, yes, but that's only
because I don't happen...

to place my love life
above my profession.

I thought that was
your profession.

Oh, Murray. Witty Murray.
Jokes fall from your lips...

almost as fast as hair
falls from your head.

No, do be sure to stop by, Mary.

Today's show is called "Why Date a
Dud When You Could Grab a Stud?"

Okay, I've got it. I
know, and I want it.

See you later, people.

I've got the subject
for our feature story.

What is it, Lou? g*ns.

We're gonna show everybody that it's
much too easy to buy a g*n in this town.

Murray, you're going out on the
streets with a hidden camera crew.

You're gonna buy every
kind of g*n or r*fle you

can get your hands
on, legally or illegally.

Mr. Grant, that's a great idea.
I've got one question. What?

Wouldn't it be better
as a firsthand report?

Shouldn't we send
Ted out for this story?

No, we can't. Why not?

I don't think we should risk
having people with g*ns near Ted.

In that case, I've
got a question. What?

Don't you think we should
send Ted out for this story?

If you have any
problems, let me know.

Hi, guys. [Murray] Hiya, Ted.

[Mary] Hi. Beautiful
day, isn't it?

[Unenthusiastically] Makes
you really feel great to be alive.

Ted, is something wrong?

No, I'm fine. Why?

Well, I don't know.
You seem kind of down.

Oh, don't be silly.
I never felt better.

Are you sure, Ted?

I haven't seen you this depressed
since your barber stopped giving balloons.

That's funny, Murray. That's
really funny. I love a... good joke.

Hey, Ted. Guess what. Mr. Grant came
up with a great idea for our news feature.

We're gonna do an exposé on
g*n sales. Oh, that's great, Mary.

That's really great. I
love a good news feature.

Ted, what's wrong? Please,
Mary, stop asking what's wrong.

Nothing's wrong. I'm
fine. Absolutely fine.

I just wanna be alone.
I want my privacy.

I want people to mind
their own business.

[Crying] And most of
all, I want my mommy!

[Doorbell Rings]

Georgette, hi.
What a nice surprise.

How long were you waiting
out in the hall? Not long.

Just until you came home. Oh.

Did you wanna talk to
me about something?

Uh-huh. It's Ted.

Mary, I'm thinking
of leaving him.

Georgette, you don't mean that.

Yes, I do. I even told
him so this morning.

Oh, well, no wonder
he was so upset today.

Georgette, why?

Because I don't
think he loves me.

Oh, well, that's just silly.

What makes you think that?
I wish I could tell you, Mary.

But it's just not the kind
of thing you can discuss.

Well, Georgette, I wanna
help you. I really do.

But how can I help you if I don't know
what it is? You're gonna have to be open.

I can't.

Well, Georgette, look. You
obviously... You want to discuss this.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have waited
outside my door for me to come home.

Now, come on. What is it?

It's our sex life.

May-Maybe you're right.

Maybe it's not the kind of thing
you can talk about, you know.

I don't know what it is, Mary.
Everything was fine until we got married.

After all, I mean, some things you
can discuss and some things you can't.

Then all of a sudden,
he became very cold.

There are just some things
that are better left unsaid.

Lately, he's been sleeping
out on the couch every night.

The only time he comes to bed
now is when he has a headache.

Mary, I've tried everything...

Exotic perfumes, romantic music.

I even bought a see-through
robe to wear over my pajamas.

Georgette, I really think the person
you should be talking to about this is Ted.

I tried, Mary. He
swears he still loves me.

Says that it's just a
stage he's going through.

Well, there you are.

Mary, that was three months ago.

It's only getting worse.

I don't know what to do.

Georgette, I don't really have much
experience with this kind of thing.

I wish I could advise you, but I
think you should talk to someone...

who knows more
about these matters.

Maybe Ted needs
help. What kind of help?

Professional help. Maybe
he should see a psychiatrist.

I have a friend who's
supposed to be just terrific.

You could tell him
that I told you to call.

- What do you think?
- It makes more sense
than what I had in mind.

What was that?
Black satin sheets.

[Mouthing Word]

Hi, Ted. Hi, Georgette.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Did you have dinner?

Oh, I ate at my mother's.

Did you have a nice time?

Well, yeah, the usual. We had
dinner, and we watched television.

Then I helped her blue her hair.

Did you tell her about us?

No. I was afraid I might
break the poor woman's heart.

- You didn't mention anything?
- I started to,
but I couldn't finish.

She wanted to watch
the hockey game.

Ted, what's happening to us?

Nothing's happening to us.
Try to understand, Georgette.

Just because I prefer to sleep on the couch
at night doesn't mean I don't love you.

But we're married. Well,
so was Thomas Edison.

He slept on the couch too. He
was the Wizard of Menlo Park.

What has that got to do with us?

Who knows? Maybe I'm on
the brink of a great invention.

Ted, do you really love me?

Georgette, I love you as no man
has ever loved another woman.

I know.

Ted, if you really love me,

you'd try to do something
about your problem.

Problem? Who's got a problem?

You do, Ted, and I think you
could use some help, honey.

- What kind of help?
- Professional help.

I think maybe you
should see a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist? Oh, no. I'm not letting
anybody fool around with my brain.

It's taken me too long
to get it the way it is.

Ted, for your own sake.

Georgette, I'm not
going to a psychiatrist.

I already made an appointment.
I don't care. I'm not going.

Please?

No.

Why-Why should I?

Because I want our
marriage to last forever.

Because I think you're the most
wonderful man in the whole world.

Because I love you.

And because, if you don't,
I'm going to dump you.

You're a hard woman, Georgette.

You better believe it.

[Sighs] What time
do I have to be there?

Tomorrow at 2:00.

Okay. Just answer me one thing.

If I hadn't agreed to go, would
you really have dumped me?

No. I'm not as tough
as I look. [Laughs]

Hey, what do you say we
turn in early tonight, tiger?

Oh, Teddy bear.

If I have to go see
that psychiatrist,

I'm gonna need all
the rest I can get.

Oh, Mary, are you
busy? Yes, I am, very.

Good. This will only
take a minute. Sue Ann.

Tomorrow my helpful hint for the
single girl is "What Turns a Man On."

Of course, I know lots of ideas
how to get a man interested myself,

but I thought you might know a couple
we could actually talk about on the air.

Sue Ann, look, I
am really very busy,

and I haven't the vaguest
idea what turns a man on.

Well, I realize that, dear.

I just thought, if I asked
you, I might make your day.

Hello, Ted. Yeah.

Mary, is Lou in yet?
No, I'm sorry, he's not.

Is there anything I
can help you with?

No, I just wanted him
to go someplace with me.

Ted, could I ask you a question?

What turns you on about a woman?

You been talking to Georgette?

No, no, no. Ted, Sue Ann is doing
a show about the single woman.

And she just wants to know
what gets a man interested.

I think it's a terrible idea for a
show... prying into things like that.

There are certain things that should remain
private. A guy's love life is one of 'em.

As far as I'm concerned, there are two
things that have no place on television...

Sex and v*olence.

I never knew those
were two different things.

- What's with him?
- I don't know. I think
he was just embarrassed.

I don't know why he should be. I
certainly wouldn't be embarrassed...

if someone wanted to know
what turns me on about a man.

- I'm sure you wouldn't be.
- I would simply
say it right out.

I think a man should be virile and
macho and just reeking with masculinity.

Well, what do you think?

Thank you, God. Do you
have anything with hair?

Where did you get those g*ns?

Well, the r*fles I got
legitimately from a g*n store.

And the pistols I got
from a hock shop...

after slipping the guy
an extra 50 bucks...

and promising him
I'd buy a moose head.

What about the machine g*n? Oh,
well, I had a lot of luck there, Mary.

I got it from a guy who knew
a guy who knew a maniac.

Mr. Grant, look at this. Yeah?

Hey. Hey! [Chuckles]

Nice going, Murray.
Not bad, huh, Lou?

Yeah. Where'd you
get these? All over town.

Yeah? Well, did anybody
ask you any questions?

Yeah, one guy. See, I went
into a sporting goods store...

and I asked him if I could buy 10 r*fles
and a thousand rounds of amm*nit*on.

Yeah? Then the clerk asked
me what I wanted them for.

What'd you tell him? I told him I
was gonna start my own army...

so I could overthrow the
government of the United States.

[Laughs] Hear
that? What'd he say?

Well, then he asked me if I'd
like to look at some uniforms.

Hey. Well, good story. Write it up and
we'll put it on tonight. Good work, Murray.

Didn't anyone say anything to
you going around with those g*ns?

No. But it was the first time a
cab driver ever gave me a tip.

Expecting trouble?

Ted, Mr. Grant's in now.

Oh, good. I've gotta
see him right away.

Lou, I gotta talk to you.
Ted, I'm trying to work.

You don't just barge in
here without knocking.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

[Knocking] Who is it?

Ted.

Go away.

Lou. Please, you
gotta do me this favor.

It's the most important
thing I'll ever ask you to do.

Ted, I've already told you.
You can't sing the news.

It's not that, Lou. This is really
important. All right, what is it?

It's a secret.

You have to promise
you won't tell anybody.

I promise. Swear.

Ted... Swear!

I swear. Crisscross, apple sauce,
spit in the ocean, hope to die.

Right. You gotta say
it, Lou. Crisscross...

Crisscross... Apple sauce.

Apple sauce...
Spit in the ocean.

Spit in the ocean.
Hope to die. Hope to die.

All right, now altogether. Ted!

All right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What's the secret?

Lou, I... I'm gonna
go see a psychiatrist.

I can't tell you what
it is. It's personal.

I'll give you a hint. It has
something to do with my mind.

I have to see
him this afternoon.

I want you to come with me,
Lou. I need you for moral support.

Ted, I'm very busy. I can't...

Please, Lou, my
marriage depends on it.

Your marriage?

You're not kidding me, are you? No.
Georgette will leave me if I don't go.

Oh. Okay. Okay, I'll come.

Oh, thanks, Lou.
Thanks a million.

Well, I still don't understand
why you need me.

Don't you see, Lou? If I'm seen
going into a psychiatrist's office,

people are liable
to think I'm crazy.

This way, if you come with
me, they'll think I'm taking you.

Lou, I don't wanna go in there.

What if the psychiatrist
tells me I'm crazy?

Relax, Ted. You're not crazy.

I don't know how I
can be sure about that.

I've had some pretty
strange dreams lately.

Especially this one dream
I keep getting all the time.

I'm standing on the corner. Suddenly
somebody taps me on my shoulder,

and I turn around and there's
a kangaroo standing there.

The kangaroo says,
"Hello. What's your name?"

And I say, "I'm Ted
Baxter, the anchorman."

The kangaroo says, "You can't
be Ted Baxter, the anchorman.

I'm Ted Baxter, the anchorman."

Then we start to argue, and a crowd
gathers... some people, some kangaroos...

and one duck.

I could never figure out what
that duck was doing there.

Anyway, finally the kangaroo
says, "I can prove who I am."

And he reaches into his little pocket.
You know they have those little pockets.

- I know.
- He pulls out
this business card.

You know what the
business card says? What?

It says, "Ted
Baxter, anchorman."

So I reach into my pocket
and I pull out my card.

- You know what
that card says, Lou?
- What?

"Bucky, the kangaroo."

Then everybody starts to
laugh... The people, the kangaroos.

Except that duck.

He just waddles over to me,

looks up into my eyes,

disgraces himself on my shoe.

I've never told another
living soul that dream, Lou.

And I only tell you because
I know I can trust you.

Ted, you did the right thing.

So did the duck.

Look, everybody
has crazy dreams.

They're nothing to worry
about. Pull yourself together.

[Chuckles]

Lou? What?

Mind if I ask you a
personal question?

What? Well, you were
married a long time.

Yeah. So?

Did you ever have a
problem in the bedroom?

- Of course.
- [Sighs] Oh, good. I feel better already.

I couldn't get the drapes shut.

- That's not what I mean, Lou.
- I know what you mean. Shut up.

- [Phone Buzzes]
- Yes?

Mr. Baxter, Dr. Powell
will see you now.

Go on.

It's all right, Lou. I'm not ashamed
to see a psychiatrist anymore.

I'm just gonna face him like the
mature, intelligent being that I am.

Don't worry, Lou. I'll see what the doctor
can do about your bed-wetting problem.

Oh, uh, Mr., uh, Baxter.

How do you do?
I'm Dr. Powell. Hi.

So, you're a psychiatrist. Yes.

Mr. Baxter, why don't you just sit down
and tell me a little bit about yourself.

Like what?

Well, to start with, why don't
you tell me why you've come here.

Oh, no.

If I tell you, how do I know you
won't go blabbing it all over town?

You have my assurance.

- That's not good enough.
- What would you like?

Tell me something
weird about yourself.

That way, if you tell
on me, I can tell on you.

- Mr. Baxter, I'm a psychiatrist.
- No, tell me something
even weirder.

Please, believe me,
you can trust me.

Now why don't you tell me a little bit
about who you are and what you do.

What do you mean what do I
do? I'm on the news every night.

I see. And what do
they say about you?

They don't say about
me. I say about them.

Well, that's certainly
getting back at them.

Tell me, Mr. Baxter,
who exactly are "they"?

- They?
- Yes, the ones that
you say about.

All of them.

The president,
congressmen, Marlo Thomas.

I see.

Tell me, Mr. Baxter, why do you
think these people are all against you?

I don't think
they're against me.

I'm a newscaster. I talk about
them on the Six O'Clock WJM News.

Of course!

Ted Baxter. I've seen
you. You're very funny.

Thank you.

Well, before we go any further,

I think there are some things
you should know about analysis.

One, it, um... It can be a
very lengthy procedure,

and two, it can
be very expensive.

How expensive?

Me fee is $75 an hour.

Seventy-five
dollars an hour. Yes.

Look, Doctor, I'm a desperate
man. I'm terribly unhappy.

I'm putting myself in your hands. I'm
begging you, please, to help me, help me.

Help me. Of course,
Mr. Baxter. How?

By lowering your damn fee.

Georgette.

Great news. I'm better.

Than what? [Laughs]

I'm cured!

I had an honest, frank
discussion with the doctor...

and he's freed me
of all my inhibitions.

And I no longer have any
problems with you-know-what.

That's wonderful, Ted. [Laughs]

Yeah. The psychiatrist told me I've
been substituting you for my mother.

That I've been thinking of
you with such reverence...

that I was afraid to show
you any physical affection.

That was the whole
problem? Yeah.

And I never have to go back
anymore either. Isn't that great?

Some people have to go years
for a cure from a psychiatrist.

But not me. After only three visits, he
said he never wanted to see me again.

Oh, I'm so happy, Ted.
What shall we do to celebrate?

Well, now you just
leave that to me.

[Doorbell Rings]

Who could that be? It
could be Lou and Mary.

Why would it be Lou and Mary?
Because I invited them to dinner.

I'm sorry, Ted, but every time
you've come back from the psychiatrist,

you've been so depressed that I thought
it would cheer you up to have company.

[Doorbell Rings] [Lou]
Ted, will you open the door!

Ted, I invited Mary and Lou
for dinner. They're our guests.

Try to be a good
host. Oh, all right.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Lou.
Come on in. Have a seat.

Come right in here and sit
down. Can I get you some dessert?

No, thank you. I
couldn't eat another bite.

Don't mind him, Mary. Ted,
take Mary and Lou's coats.

Oh, all right.

That's a lovely outfit you
have, Mary. Thank you.

Lou, do you think the North
Stars will make the play-offs?

Yeah, I think they got a sh*t.

Well, it's time to hit the hay.

Hold it. Just a minute. I
don't understand something.

We were invited to have dinner.
And yet ever since we got here,

you've been acting like you
couldn't wait for us to go home.

Like you couldn't wait
for the evening to be ov...

Oh, ho, ho.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Mr. Grant, could I, uh, talk to
you for just a minute? Please?

[Whispering, Indistinct]

My, look how late it is.

I've got an early day. You
coming, Mary? Yes, I am.

It was lovely. Gee, it was nice
to have you stop by like this.

It was certainly marvelous of you
to stop by. Please, drive carefully.

[Mary] We will.
That's your coat!

No, take it. It's yours.

I thought they'd never leave.

Hello, Mom.

Ted. I just called to say I'll
be gone for a couple of days.

Oh, yeah, belated honeymoon.

Of course I'm taking Georgette.

Yeah, right, it
would be cheaper.

No. I couldn't do that.

Besides, she'd
probably find out.

Mom, I'm going on a honeymoon,
and I'm taking my wife with me.

Good-bye, Mom. I'll
call you when I get back.

Boy.

Ted, look at the mail we
got on that g*n control show.

Wow. Hey, what kind
of reaction did I get?

Terrific. Really?

Yeah. 117 people wrote
letters threatening to sh**t you.

What?

Oh, relax, Ted. That's only
half as many as you usually get.

Oh, good.

Hi, Mary. Georgette, hi.

I came by to pick up Ted. We're
going on a belated honeymoon.

Oh, that's terrific. Then everything
is okay between you two?

Whew, is it ever.

That's wonderful.

[Mews]