- Well,
debra's not here right now.
May I take a message?
Cindy?
All right.
All right, dear.
Well, no,
debra went out tonight.
And raymond did too.
Although they went
to different places
On a saturday night.
Do you think that seems odd?
I mean,
it seems odd to me.
I mean, do you and your husband
go to different places?
You're not?
Oh, well, I have
another son, robbie.
Oh, I'll tell him
you called.
All right, dear.
Bye-bye.
- Hi, marie.
Who was that?
- That's for robbie.
So how was your night?
- Oh, it was just
a great lecture.
I learned so much
about the amazon.
Linda's cousin
wrote this book,
And he's
a terrific speaker.
How were the kids?
- Oh, they're fine.
They don't know.
- Know what?
- About you and raymond going
your separate ways tonight.
- Oh, no, marie,
it's no big deal.
Ray didn't want to come
to the bookstore,
- Oh, I guess that's what
they call an "open marriage."
I mean, you go out without frank
once in a while.
- That's not open marriage.
That's escape.
- No, no, I mean, come on.
How do you get a rash there?
- Well...
- Hey, we're back.
- Thank god he came back.
- Hi, mrs. B.
Hi, deb.
- Hey,
you guys have a good time?
You b*at how many people
in a row at air hockey?
- 11.
- 11.
Way to go, cubby, huh?
- Debra had a good time
tonight too.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
How was it?
How'd your thing go?
- Oh, I loved it.
He signed my book.
- He.
- Yeah, that's right,
dr. Everett munce.
- A doctor.
- Hey, ma, you got any food
over at the house?
- Why?
- I've been thinking of you
in an apron all night, mrs. B.
- Well, I do have food,
but don't you need me here?
- I don't think so.
- Oh, all right.
I'm right across the street
if you need to talk, raymond.
And remember...
I love you.
- You're on my foot.
- Oh.
- What's that?
What's with my mother?
'Cause we didn't go out
together tonight.
- Why? You having an affair
with the bookstore guy?
- Yeah,
he's 60 years old,
Has one eye,
and smells of the jungle.
- Yeah,
that's how you like it.
- Yeah.
That's right.
And next week is the second part
of the lecture.
- What do you mean?
You gonna go again?
- Yeah.
That's not a problem, is it?
- No, no, it's no problem.
It's just--what am I gonna do?
- Oh, I thought you could
go out with the guys again.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, great.
Great.
- What's the matter, ray?
- Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
- Ray, what is it?
- Nothing. It's...
I don't know.
Going out with the guys--
I mean, it was great.
It was fun.
Really, really fun.
- But?
- It wasn't so much fun.
I don't know.
I mean...
Something about it--
something was missing.
- What do you mean?
You mean me?
- No.
No.
No, I was...i mean,
We did the same stuff
we always do.
You know,
gianni was doing his thing.
He drops ice cubes
in front of him,
"Hey, look,
an eskimo peeing."
And, you know,
I mean, it was funny,
And I used to laugh at it,
but...
- It's lost its magic?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We had
the buffalo wings I'd like,
And we did
the air hockey.
But I don't know,
something about it--
It's not the--
it's not the same as it was.
- Oh, my god.
You're growing up.
- No.
No. I probably got
a flu or something.
- No. No, that's why
you don't like doing
All those stupid things
you used to do.
You're changing.
You're maturing.
No, it's a good thing, ray.
You've become a man.
You know why you just said
you had a bad time
Doing all those things?
Because you've outgrown them.
You know I'm right,
don't you?
- Well, crap,
maybe you are.
Oh, my god.
I have been waiting for this.
Oh.
Listen, listen, listen.
Come to the lecture with me
on saturday.
- No. What?
- Oh, no, wait, listen.
That's what adults do.
They use their head,
and they think.
Oh, you're gonna like this.
You're ready for this.
You are a mature adult.
- Okay.
It would be kind of cool
to see a guy with one eye.
- Hey, debra.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ray, you came.
- Yep, I'm here.
- You look so nice.
- Doesn't he?
- Yes, I've never seen you
like this.
- Hello, everybody.
Raymond,
look at you.
What are you doing here?
- I just came to get
a little culture.
- Oh,
a little culture.
- Folks,
if you could take your seats.
- Boy,
this is fun.
It's high school,
only now,
I've had sex with the girl
who sits next to me.
- Oh, shh.
- Let's please all welcome back
to sidewalk books
Dr. Everett munce.
[Applause]
- Thank you, brian.
- Well, it's nice to see
some familiar faces
I believe I left you
on the banks of the amazon
About 250 kilometers
east of manaus.
If you can imagine,
it's dusk,
And it's still 104 degrees.
The humidity is around 99%,
and yet it is not raining.
If you listen closely,
You can hear the macaws
and the capybaras
And perhaps even
the low growl of a jaguar...
Never seen an outsider,
so one's dilemma becomes,
"How do I record
this amazing discovery
Without corrupting the purity
of their existence?"
Well, as a matter of fact,
They faced this same dilemma
more than 30 years ago
In the philippines.
I believe it was
30 years ago.
Yes, it was in the philippines
where they come upon a tribe
That was called the tasaday.
Even though they took great--
- Ow! Ow! God!
What did you do?
- Shh! Wake up.
- All right,
I'm awake.
But you caught me
right in the eye.
- Would you shut up?
You got me right
in the socket hole.
- Be quiet.
- All right.
God.
You could've poked my eye out.
Not that I still
wouldn't be a great guy.
[Door opens]
- Hi, dear.
How was your night?
- It was fine.
- Ray, what's the matter?
- Nothing.
Nothing, nothing.
I got poked in the eye.
You know how wild it can get
in a bookstore.
- It's not funny, ray.
- I fell asleep.
The guy was droning
on and on,
And I fell asleep.
- So he hit you?
- No.
She did.
- I had to wake you up.
- When I wanted
to wake raymond up,
I would stroke his hair...
And gently kiss his forehead.
- That's how you do it.
- You were sleeping on me
in public.
I had to get you off of me.
I had hoped that after your
little separation last week
That maybe tonight
would go better.
- Everything is fine,
marie.
- No, it's not.
Everything is not fine.
- Stop rubbing it, already.
You're making it worse.
- I'm not talking about my eye.
Everything is not right with me,
the whole me.
- What?
- I went to that lecture,
and I tried, debra.
God help me,
I tried to like it.
The elbow in the eye
was the best part of the night.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I thought you were an adult.
I made a mistake.
- Who the hell am i?
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you see?
Last week, the same thing.
I went out with the guys,
the same thing happened.
I didn't belong there,
either.
So now I got this thing
in my head, like, "who am i?
What do I do now?"
"Where the hell do I belong?"
- Right here.
- You're on my foot again,
ma.
- Come on.
Trust me.
You're gonna thank me for this.
Hurry up.
You're letting the steam out.
- Hey, ray's here.
Ha-ha-ha.
- It's the sportswriter.
- Welcome to the inner sanctum.
- Yeah. Hi, guys.
But I don't want you
dropping those towels.
- Hey, put that in your column,
sportswriter.
- Ray's been going through
a rough patch,
So I brought him here
to sweat that puss off his face.
- Let me turn up the steam
for you, ray.
- No, don't get up.
Don't get up.
No, please.
Nobody move, okay?
Just pretend that I'm not here,
okay,
'Cause that's what I'm doing.
- Says the funny sportswriter.
- Sit down, ray.
Take a load off.
- Hey, sit right here, ray.
That's o'neal's place.
But you can sit there.
He's dead.
- Ah, I love the lodge.
We play some cards,
we get something to eat,
We come in here and relax.
- What more could you ask for?
- Hair.
- Yeah,
I could ask for hair.
Oy.
- Oh, man.
How long can you guys stay
in here?
- Well, the record is
4 hours and 10 minutes.
- Yeah ,by who?
- O'neal.
- This is the life.
- Yeah,
like oil in the joints.
- You still stiff?
- In my knee.
- Yeah.
I got that.
- My back's still acting up.
- Oh, the twinge?
- On good days,
it's a twinge.
- Yeah.
I got that.
- I got, like,
a shoulder thing.
- Yeah?
- It's nothing.
It's just--
You know,
sometimes when I lift things up,
You know, it hurts.
- You mean up here between
the neck and the shoulder blade?
- Yeah, yeah,
it's, like, a knot.
- I know.
I got that.
- What are you doing
lifting things, ray?
- Ah, you know, debra--
She's got me doing this
and doing that.
- Oh, the wives.
- That's a pain
we can't get rid of.
- Until you're o'neal.
[Laughter]
- Put that in your column.
- I should.
I should.
I should put it in.
I got up twice last night
to pee.
[Together] oh...yeah.
Oh.
- At least you got up.
- Debra, I'm gonna put
raymond's cannolis
In your refrigerator.
- Ma, why can't I just
grab one of those?
I made it especially for raymond
to cheer him up.
- So he gets ten cannolis,
and I get none?
- He's having a life crisis.
- [Scoffs]
life crisis...
When I got divorced,
I had to beg you
For a piece of raisin toast.
- Oh, there he is.
How was it, dear?
Did you have a nice time?
- You know, I did.
I really did.
- Was I right,
or was I right?
The lodge is heaven on earth.
- I've got to tell you,
that steam room--
That was exactly
what I needed.
- Aw, that's great, honey.
I'm glad you were able
to relax.
- Yes, the steam room
must have been nice.
I've never been invited
to the lodge.
But that's okay;
I can always work up a sweat
By chasing a psychopath
down the subway track.
- You know, ray,
you fit right in.
I was worried you were gonna
say something stupid...
Or liberal.
- I actually liked
talking to those guys.
- Well, that's terrific.
Have ten cannolis.
- Oh, I forgot.
I made you a special treat.
Raymond.
Sit down.
- So what do you say, ray?
You gonna join the brotherhood?
The guys say
you'd be a shoo-in.
- You know what?
Yeah,
I think I would like that.
- Wait a minute.
You want to join the lodge?
- It'll be great.
I'll be your father,
but I'll also be your brother.
- All right, that's it!
- No! Robbie, robbie!
Robbie! Robbie!
Robbie, give it to me.
Oh, robbie.
Oh, robbie.
Oh, robbie.
Oh, stop that.
I mean, I know you had
a good time there today,
But you don't want to join.
- Why wouldn't he?
Because he's not 100...
Percent sure
he wants to join.
- No, I know what
you're saying, debra,
But I don't know.
You know, when I was in
that steam room,
It just felt right.
I mean, i--i think it's what
I've been looking for.
- Sweaty man-boobs?
- I don't like that,
robert.
- I mean, I was comfortable.
You know,
I was relaxed.
- Plus, I've got say,
everyone told me you were,
Like,
the best-looking guy in there.
He's the "before"
in a room full of "afters."
It just made you feel young
to be around those guys?
- No, I actually felt
like I belonged.
- Oh, this is ridiculous.
- Well, I mean, you're the one
who told me to grow up.
- I didn't say
grow all the way up.
I mean, what is the appeal,
just sitting in a steam room?
- Oh, we also play cards.
And don't forget
the naked swimming.
- I haven't even been,
and I can't forget.
- No, no.
Let me tell you.
After that steam,
a couple of nude laps...
Whoo.
You really feel the pool.
- Come on, ray.
You don't want to do this.
You don't want
to join the lodge.
- Well, look,
I tried everything else, right?
I went out with my friends.
I didn't like
the bookstore thing.
I mean,
this is all I have left.
- No, it isn't.
I mean,
we do things together.
We go to dinner.
We go to the movies.
Some of those movies we see,
they're all kind of stupid.
- The last movie I saw
was patton.
- All right, frank.
- And you know when I'll go back
to the movies?
"Son of patton."
- And then everybody
is always talking in them,
And it's always freezing.
- In fact, is there, like,
a draft in here?
- There's a blanket
in the living room.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable
in there.
- Well,
I am a little tired.
Ohh, gosh.
Oh, my shoulder's
on the fritz again.
- Just sit down
and put your feet up.
- Yes, raymond.
Can I get you anything?
Some melba toast?
A catheter?
- I'm all locked up, you know.
It's like a big knot.
- Is it in here?
- You need more time
in that steam room.
I'll pick you up
tomorrow morning at 9:00.
We don't come out
until everything's soft.
- I may throw up.
- We got--do we have, like,
a heating pad?
- Well, this is great, ray.
This is just great.
You went from
an immature teenager
To a tired old geezer
with no stops in between.
And what did I get?
I got ripped off.
That's what I got.
I never got to be married
to a man,
A regular, grown-up man.
- Do you have to yell?
- Could everybody
please leave now?
- What do you mean?
- I just need everyone to go.
- Yeah, but--
- marie, please go.
- Debra, you should probably
turn him every half hour
So he doesn't get bedsores.
- Are you gonna be all right--
- Marie, he'll be fine.
- What are you doing?
- I'm just checking to see
how old you really are.
Well?
- I'm a little tired.
- Oh, my god.
- But not too tired.
- I thought
your shoulder hurt.
- I'm not gonna use my shoulder.
- Thanks for giving me
a sh*t here, dad.
- Yeah, yeah.
Take it easy.
All right,
here's the big one.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, robert.
- You're in pretty good shape,
robert.
I guess you don't eat
too many doughnuts.
[Laughter]
- 'Cause cops eat doughnuts.
- Okay.
- So your wife
is gonna let you join?
- Actually,
I'm not married.
- Oh, that's right,
guys, red alert.
- We're sitting naked
with a confirmed bachelor.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Listen, you don't have to
worry about me.
I can tell you that right now.
- Hey, robert,
it's hot in here.
Why don't you take
your sweater off?
[Laughter]
- Good one.
Good one.
[Laughs]
Why don't you take your wig off?
- Now, what the hell is that
supposed to mean?
- N-nothing.
I was just kidding around.
- You're just a wise guy,
I see.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy,
take it easy.
- Just keep moving.
- But I didn't do anything.
- Frank, get him out of here,
frank.
- Come on. Come on.
Get him out of here.
- Bring back the funny one.
07x05 - Who Am I?
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Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.
Ray is a successful sports writer and family man who deals with a brother and parents -- who happen to live across the street from him.