02x31 - The Night the World Ended

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

I'm just completing
a rather interesting device.

I think it will amuse you.

Tonight we are presenting
a story...

I should have explained.

You see,
this is arranged

so that anyone touching
the channel selector

to change programs

gets a nasty shock.

We rather hope we will improve
the loyalty of our viewers.

There goes another one.

It's no trifling matter.

, volts.

Leaves them crisp as bacon.

Unfortunately,
it has one shortcoming.

It also burns out
the television tube,

making it impossible
for the bereaved

to watch
the rest of the show.

Well, nothing is perfect

and there's nothing
like a good practical joke.

At least that's what
a character
in tonight's play thought.

Well, I said to him,
"Where you going?"

He says,
"I don't know."

The next thing I know,
he goes out the door,

and that's the last time
I ever saw him.

That's good.

There you go, Nick,
put a head on it.

Have another beer,
Mr. Halloran?

I'll have another one.

To you, Halloran,

for teaching me two things
in my youth.

This great newspaperman

taught me
never to trust anyone,

especially Mr. Halloran.

But I told you
how to get a story.

Yeah, for a price.

How come?

And what did
Mr. Halloran do?

I was only at the time,
just a cub on the gazette.

I told him to go
to Machine g*n Riley
to get a story.

I figured that Riley
would give the kid
the scare of his life

and just toss him out
on his kisser.

No, you didn't.
It was your idea of a joke.

So, what happened?

Machine g*n Riley
tossed me out of his
second story window

I was in the hospital
for three months.

Mr. Halloran, you haven't
changed in years.

Well, I mean well.

I'm just a guy
who likes a practical joke.

Sure,
you mean well.

Your idea of
a practical joke is

to get somebody
to break a leg.

Well, good night,
you sadist.

I gotta get
back to the desk.

So long.
Good night, Jim.

Any big headlines tonight,
Mr. Halloran?

No. It's the deadest night
in years.

Either a story breaks
or Answers to the Lovelorn

will be the hottest news
in the a.m. final.

Mr. Halloran...

Why, Johnny, my boy,
you woke up!

Will you stake me
to a drink?

Well,
sure, Johnny.

Give him a drink.

Oh, gee, thanks.

What'll it be, John?

Uh, could I...
Could I have the good stuff?

Certainly.
Give him the good stuff.

What's the matter, Johnny?

You didn't have to
do that, Mr. Halloran.

That wasn't funny.
I burnt my tongue.

That was just
a little furniture polish.

John,
here's the good stuff.

And it's on the house.

Oh, thanks a lot,
Nick.

Mr. Halloran! Mr. Halloran!

What's the matter,
Timothy?

Hey, Mr. Halloran,
get a load of this.

It's the morning edition.

Let me see,
what is it?

Let's see.

"World ends tonight, : ."

It must be a mistake.

Let me read it.
Let me read it.

What's the matter,
Mr. Halloran?

"Collision with Mars.

"Mars pulled
out of its orbit

"by sudden gravitational shift
in the sun's powers."

Go on.
What else
does it say?

"Mars is pulling
toward the sun

"and rushing for the Earth."

It hits us
at : tonight.

Gives us
only three hours.

I ain't got my glasses on,

but you say it's all
gonna happen in three hours?

Three hours and goodbye.

Well, maybe
it's just a scare.

Yeah, yeah.
What do you think,
Mr. Halloran?

I don't know.
It says right here

Harvard University
and Palomar both confirm it.

The best astronomers
in the country agree.

Dead.

All of us dead in three hours.

Well, what are we gonna do,
Mr. Halloran?

Where are you
going, Johnny?

I don't know.

If I only got
three hours to live,

I guess I ought to do
something with them hours.

Something I...
Well, I better hurry.

But what are you
gonna do, John?

I don't know.

How that stumblebum
fell for it!

The composing room
sure yelled about

setting up extra type for
a limited edition of one.

So what? Boy, I was scared
that Johnny would read
the rest of the page.

But he hasn't got glasses.
That's what I was counting on.

I wonder what he'll do.

Who cares?
It was a great gag.

You know,
he was mighty scared,
Mr. Halloran.

What the devil's he got
to be scared about?

His world
ended years ago.

Set them up, Nick,
I'll stand the treat.

Just seeing the expression
on the old guy's face

was worth the trouble.

End of the world.

Mr. Stern.

Mr. Stern.

Oh, it's you, Johnny.
The usual half pint?

Oh, I ain't got
any money.

But that don't matter
no more, does it?

I mean, seeing
as how we only got
a few hours left.

What are you
gabbing about?

Ain't you heard, Mr. Stern?

The world's coming
to an end at : .

Sure, sure.

So I tell you what, Johnny,

because the world
is coming to an end,

I'll put you on the cuff
for a half a pint.

You can pay me next week.

This ain't no time
to joke, Mr. Stern.

Next week
we won't be here.

Why can't you give me
some real good liquor?

It can't make no difference
now to you or to me.

All of us ought to do
something good for
the little time we got left,

something decent.

You could do me
a big favor.

Just once more
before I die,

I'd like to taste
fine stuff like that.

There was a time
I used to drink
imported cognac,

believe it or not.

Look, Johnny,

I'm taking inventory.

It's late. I'm a busy man.
Leave me alone, huh?

Now, take this
and leave.

I said beat it, Johnny.

You come back, Johnny!

Come back here, Johnny!

Give me the police.

Can't let a man alone.

Never did them no harm.

It's no time
to be mean to anybody.

Oh, dear,
I'm so sorry.

You were taking wine
home for dinner?

And the bottles
are all broken.

And your nice coat
is all spotted!

Yes, ma'am, wine.

Well, I must
make amends.

I only live
around the corner.

I could clean your coat

and give you
a nice hot cup of tea.

Come, Fritzi,
that's a good girl.

That's a good girl.

Come on, Mimi.

Here we are
at home at last.

You come right along.
Here we go.

Cheetah. Come on, Mimi.
Come along.

That's it.

Down we go,
and we're going right
into your room.

Oh, uh, do make yourself
comfortable, Mr...

Call me Johnny.

Oh, no,
not on such short notice.

I'm Miss Green.

Felicia Green.

Now, you all have
a lovely sleep

and dream
about beautiful bones

and nasty cats.

May I help you?

Oh, thank you.

Tea next.

Uh, Miss Green,

what time is it?

It's rather late.

My clock says : .

Now, the kettle's on

and soon we'll have
a sizzling cup of hot tea.

Now, please, may I have
your jacket so I can clean it?

Do as I say.

I sure was lucky.

Lucky? How?

I mean, something
wonderful happening
at a time like this.

What do you mean?

I mean...

Well, just when
it's all coming to an end.

Whatever
is coming to an end?

Oh, you ain't seen
the paper?

No, I haven't.

But what about
the paper?

Well, I...

The tea.

What were you saying?

It doesn't matter.

Come in here.

Sit there.

Do sit down.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You don't like tea?

It's hot.

Do you know,
you are the first gentleman

in years,
since Gregory,

who's been allowed
in this house?

Uh, Gregory?

He's the largest one.

The German shepherd
with the beautiful tail.

I don't understand
how a nice lady like you,

I mean,
isn't married.

Well, when I was young,
I had high hopes.

But then as the years passed,
no one asked.

Do drink your tea.

Ain't it been lonesome?

Oh, gracious, no.

With my church work

and the dogs
and walking in the park...

I don't have time
to be lonely.

You've been lucky.

Are you married?

I was.

Oh.

She died, the baby died.

Long ago?

Thirty years.

There's no one left?

I got an older brother, Chuck,
I ain't seen years and years.

Funny.

I ain't thought about
any of it in a long time.

Oh, I'm so sorry
to have asked you questions

of such a personal nature.

Oh, no. That's all right.

It's just that I ain't had
nobody to talk with.

I guess that's why
I ain't thought about her,

or the baby or Chuck.

When you ain't got
nobody to talk with,

you don't do much
thinking or remembering.

Is anything
the matter?

Oh, no.

Ma'am?

Yes.

Miss Green,

could I put a little
something stronger
in this tea?

Oh, dear.
If you must.

Thank you.

Oh, I wish you would have
just a little.

It flavors the tea.

Just perhaps
a few drops.

Here, Johnny.

The spots
are almost gone.

Thanks, Felicia.

Oh, what time is it?

It's a little after
: .

Is anything wrong?

Do you have
an appointment?

We all have.

What do you mean?

Oh, I ain't complaining.

Nobody on earth is
as lucky as I am.

Having somebody
like you to be with
until the world ends.

What did you say?

I thought
I'd end my days alone.

But now I'll be with you
until it's all over.

I don't know
what you mean,

but you can't stay here
in this house.

It's quite unthinkable.

Look, Felicia,
we're both in the same boat.

Isn't it good to know that
you'll be with someone

till the whole world blows up?

And us with it, dead?

It should make you feel
kind of peaceful.

It does me.

You and me together
until it's all over.

You mustn't talk like that.

You mustn't talk like that.

You don't get it.

I may not be the best.

I mean, I may not be
the finest guy
to end your days with,

but look, Felicia...

You are insane.

You're insane!

No, no. No,
you don't understand.

No, no!

Help, help!

Help!
What's going on here?

Get him out of here.
He's insane.

She doesn't understand.

The world's coming
to an end at : .

I know your kind.
And such a nice lady, too!

Don't worry, ma'am,
I'll call the cops.

Come along, you...

Hey!

I'm sorry.

Hello, Operator?
Police, please.

Nothing I do is right.

A guy tries to do decent
the last night of his life...

Nothing goes right. Nothing.

What's the matter, mister?
You sick or something?

Hello, kids.

No, no.
I'm okay.

What are you doing
in this alley
so late at night?

You ought to be home
with your folks.

Sure, right now
you ought to be
with your family.

That's a joke, mister.
We ain't got no family.

We ain't got nobody.

: .

Less than an hour.

What's the matter, mister?

You're
the youngest?

Yeah, I'm eight.

Eight.

I had a dirty face
and a cowlick

when I was eight, too.

Gee.

What would you kids like more
than anything in the world?

Name it.

A r*fle,
a hunting r*fle.

A basketball.

Gee, mister, if you knew
how I want a basketball!

And you, son?
What about you?

Me?

Yeah,
what would you like?

I don't know.

Maybe a baseball bat
and a glove and a ball?

Or maybe a bicycle,

like I wanted
when I was your age.

Come on, kids.
You're all gonna get
whatever you want!

Come on!
What?

You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.
I mean it.

Gee whiz!

Come and get 'em, kids.
Come and get 'em!

Which one?
Which one?

Gee, I don't know, mister.
They're all so swell.

Take 'em all.
Take 'em all.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

You happy, kid?
Happy?

Gee, sure!

Come on!

Boy, a radio!

Come on!
Here, try it, kid. Try it.

Good.

Three, five...

Bull's eye!

Great!

Let's try it again.

Great!

Let me ride!
Let me ride.

Let me ride.

It's wonderful,
ain't it, kids? Wonderful.

Look, mister, look!

Hey, mister, look!

Gee, this is a beauty.

It's an a*t*matic.
But it ain't loaded.

That's easy. Let's load it.

Hey, look!

No, you don't.

Don't hurt me, mister,
don't hurt me!
Don't move!

This ain't no time
to go hurting a kid.

Leave him alone,
you hear me?
Leave him alone!

Just stay where you are
till the cops come.

The world coming to an end,
you keeping kids
from being happy.

They only got
a few minutes and you
take it away from them.

You let that kid go,
do you hear me?
You let that kid go!

Don't come near me.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

Hey,
let's beat it.

Yeah.

Where's
the latest one?

What do you mean,
bud?

The real headline.

The one about
the world coming to an end.

You screwy
or something?

Stop fooling me.

There ain't no time.
I saw it right in the paper.

Look, you got
all three newspapers

right in front of you
with all the latest news.

Now which one
you gonna buy?

What's wild?

One-eyed jacks.

Cards.

I'm out.

I'll take one off the top.
Good one.

Another round,
Mr. Halloran?

Yeah, Nick, and listen,
call up the hamburger joint

and order
a load of sandwiches.

Okay,
Mr. Halloran.

Your bet.

Mr. Halloran.

Why, look, Johnny,
it was only a joke.

But every joke's gotta have
a payoff, Mr. Halloran.

This joke's gotta
have a payoff, too.

Well, it couldn't have
happened to a nicer fellow.

Unfortunately,

justice had to be
meted out to Johnny Gin.

However, that is all
for this evening.

I hope
you'll join us next time

when we shall return
with another story.

We also hope to have
the bugs out
of this little device.

Good night.