03x17 - Room for Change

[bunniefuu]

If you're like me,

you've spent time on the
floor after an accident...

waiting for the
paramedics to arrive.

It's times like these a lot of
thoughts roll through your head.

"I wonder if the
bleeding will stop."

"I had no idea electricity could
lift me off the ground that high."

Or, "From this angle,

that smooth ceiling
could use a little texture."

And how would we do that, Al?

Well, Tim, with Binford's
acoustic spraying system.

That's right.

With the system, even the most
inexperienced, unskilled homeowner

can do this simple job.

And who better to
demonstrate than you, Tim?

For this job,

Al and I suggest Binford's
Acoustical Texture Spray.

That's right. It comes in
these ready-to-mix bags.

All you do is add water.

Or, for a creamier texture,
go with the buttermilk.

Obviously you want to follow
the instructions precisely,

because too much water,

and your mixture will
not adhere to your ceiling.

Tim, I've already mixed that.

Yeah... Just needs
a bit more water, Al.

I used a measuring cup.

We're not doing laundry, fella.

I use a measuring system
that never fails me - my eye.

My eye.

Once you've mixed the compound,

it's ready to load
in the hopper.

Give me a hand, Dennis.

Perfecto. All right.

When you get going,

what you do is use
short even strokes,

keeping the g*n about
feet from your ceiling.

(muffled) All right.

And you doubted me.

I stand corrected.

I would be proud to
have a ceiling like this

in my living room.

Who let those pigeons in here?

What do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

No, Ashley, there's nothing
going on between me and Melissa.

I just gave her a
taste of my Jell-O.

It's not like we both chewed
the same piece of gum.

Ashley, come on. Hold on.

Randy, I'm on the
phone. Get out.

You get out. It's my room, too.

I was here first.

Look, I'm just getting my books.

I'm listening.

I swear, there's nothing going
on between me and Melissa.

(high voice) Oh, Brad, get
off the phone and kiss me.

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

No, that's not Melissa.
It's my stupid brother.

Listen, Ashley,

there's nothing
going on between us.

Uh-huh.

Hold me, my hunka
hunka burning love.

Ashley, I'll see you at school.

All right. Bye.

You're a hunka dead meat!

I'm gonna k*ll you!

But I thought you loved me.

Stop, stop, stop!

Guys, stop it. What's going on?

He keeps bugging me
when I'm on the phone.

(normal voice) He's on
the phone hours a day.

Don't use the phone so much.

I can't help it if
I'm so popular.

(high voice) Well, I guess
that's why all us girls love you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Bradley, Bradley!

Come here. Come here. What?

Take your coat, take your
bag, and you go out that way.

(door slams)

Well, this is what
we're leaving the world.

Face it, honey.

You raised two very
obnoxious little boys.

What is going on with
them? They've really

been going at it these
last couple of weeks.

You're right. Black eye, bloody
nose, stitches, loose tooth.

Well, we gotta do something
before they k*ll each other.

Tonight, after they're asleep,

you and me, Puerto Rico.

Tim, this is serious.

We've got to find out
what's wrong with them.

All right. Then we
go to Puerto Rico.

If we wanna solve this problem,

there's only one thing to
do - separate bedrooms.

We don't have any more
bedrooms. And, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You're not building any more.

Honey, we've talked
about this before.

Move Brad into Mark's room,
and then Mark into Randy's room.

No. No. OK, Brad is older. He
probably should have his own room.

But we can't make
a decision like that

without discussing
it with all the boys.

Why discuss it?

The reason we became parents
is so we could tell kids what to do.

If we can't do that,

we're just the tallest
people living here.

You sound like my father.

All right.

Today, we're gonna show you

how to soundproof as
well as insulate the walls.

Now, there's a variety of
products you can use, of course.

Acoustic padding,
fiberglass batting,

or very unattractive flannel.

The easiest way to
install your insulation

is during construction, before
you've put up your dry wall.

However, if the dry wall's already
been installed in your home,

we suggest the foam
injection method.

Heidi, the foam
injector, please.

Here you go, Tim.

Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.

For this method, you're
gonna have to drill some holes.

But first you wanna find a stud.

I said "stud," not "dud."

(drills)

It's already
compressed air in there.

To make it work, stick your
nozzle in, and you start insulating.

Mm-hmm. It should dry in
about ten minutes. That's right, Al.

To show some of the
advantage of soundproofing,

the crew and I got here early
and constructed a special room.

Heidi, my room, please.

Now, this room will not only
protect you from the elements,

keep you warm,

but it's also
totally soundproof.

Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.

Watch this, Al.

Can't hear a word.
It's so good. Watch.

Talking like this. You walk in. Hi,
everybody. My name's Tim "The Tool..."

(silence)

Aah!

(audience cheering)

That is truly amazing.
We did not hear a sound.

No. That's how it was
designed. You gotta try it.

Let yourself go.
It's great. Yeah.

Tim, can you hear me? (mouths)

You can't hear me?

In that case, I should
be the host of this show.

And another thing. That's
a stupid haircut you have.

And another thing...

♪ I am a very model of
a modern major general

♪ I've information
vegetable, animal and mineral

♪ I know the kings of England
and I quote the fights historical

♪ From Marathon to
Waterloo in order categorical ♪

Al. Yes?

Al. Yes?

(audience laughing)

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

(audience laughing)

Think about that.

Major General Borland!

Come on, Brad. Let me in.

No! You're gonna be out
there for the rest of your life.

Well, there's no lock. You're
gonna have to stand next to the door

for the rest of your life.

Maybe I will.

Good plan, genius.

I got a better plan.

Open this door right
now, Brad. Come on.

Why are you keeping him out of
the room? He keeps bugging me.

You're full of it. You're
the one who's full of it.

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Sit down. Both of you, sit.

Your mom wants to know
what's going on between you two.

She's not here,
so it's up to me.

Randy, what's the
matter with Brad?

I hate him. You don't hate him.

Turn around and talk to me.
What's the problem with Brad?

I hate him a lot.

Not as much as I hate him.

He won't let me
into my own room.

I can't even do my homework.

It's not just your room.
You think you own it.

Well, he doesn't
own it. I own it.

Actually, the bank
kind of really owns it...

Guys, you gotta figure out a way

to work this out by
yourselves, all right?

Randy shouldn't
even have a room.

He should be at the bottom of
Lake Erie with the other shrimp.

Brad!

Yeah, and you'd
fit right in on Mars,

where there's no
sign of intelligent life.

First of all... they've
never confirmed that.

And second of all,

I want you guys to
shake hands and make up.

Big brother, help little
brother out. Come on.

Did you hear what I said?

Shake hands, right this
minute. Come on, hop to it.

All right. Good men.

Quit squeezing!

You're the one who's squeezing.

Come on, let go. You let go.

Both let go. Let him
go. Let... All right, let go!

All right, down here.

Tried it your mom's way, that
didn't work. Now it's my way.

I'm splitting you guys up. What?

I'm moving him into Mark's
room, and Mark's in with you.

Wait a second!
This is totally unfair.

Why should Brad
get his own room?

Because he's the oldest and
because I say so, all right?

I have to go with Dad
on this one. Don't push it.

This is totally unfair.

Well, life is totally unfair.

When I was your age, I wanted
my own room, and I didn't get it.

Come to think of it, I still
don't have my own room.

Got a box.

Dad, I don't wanna
move in with Randy.

Oh... Mark, it may
seem like a bad idea now,

but a lot of times bad
things turn into good things.

What could be good about sharing a room
with Randy? I've been thinking about it.

Maybe you and Randy will
get to know each other better.

When I was your age,
I moved in with Steve.

You know Uncle Steve
and I don't get along.

When we moved in
together, we got real close.

After that, he didn't
beat me up so much.

Really? Yeah.

I guess that could
be a good thing. Yeah.

And maybe you and Randy
can g*ng up against Brad.

Yeah. All right.

Thanks, Dad. You bet.

Hi, Mom. Hi, honey.

What are you doing with that
box? Dad's making me move.

What?

To Randy's room. Now
I get to beat up on Brad.

Tim!

Was that you, honey?
I could hardly hear you.

They had a whole
bunch of chamois on sale.

How could you?

You said always
look for bargains.

I mean about switching
the boys' rooms.

Oh. I tried it your
way. It didn't work.

My way was that we told
them. Was I not clear?

We, we, we.

It can be taken so many ways.

To you, it meant "us." To
the French, it means "yes."

To this little piggy, it meant,
"I'm going all the way home."

I can't believe you made a
decision like this without me.

If you'd been in the room arguing with
them, you'd have made the same decision.

No, I would have discussed it with
the boys, waited for you to come home,

and we could have
discussed it as a family.

And after all the discussion, the
boys would have been, what, ?

Great. Make jokes.

OK. A crocodile
and a giraffe... Tim...

Honey, I don't need endless
discussions to make a decision.

Men assess a
situation, boom - done.

Are you saying that men are
more decisive than women?

Oh, it's a fact.

Come on. We don't shop for
three hours for shoes and handbags.

The first pair of shoes
I see that fit, I buy 'em.

Even if they're sling-back
heels? If they fit.

You see? Just because
men make hasty decisions

doesn't mean that
they're the right ones.

Men aren't yammerers.

Is that what you think?
You think that I yammer?

Jill, you're a yammer-er.

Well, you're a yack-ass!

(camera shutter clicking)

Evening, Wilson.

Heavenly-ho, good neighbor.

What are you doing?

Tim, I am sh**ting the moon.

Aren't you supposed to
have your pants down for that?

No, no, no, no, no, Tim. I'm
taking time-lapse photographs.

I'm tracking the path
of the blue moon.

I'm taking some very
spectacular sh*ts.

That's funny. Jill just took
some spectacular sh*ts at me.

Something's out of orbit
in the Taylor universe.

I suppose you could say that.

I made a big decision
without asking her.

I wanted to stop the
boys from fighting,

so I put them in
separate bedrooms.

Mm-mm-mm. Well, that's a
tough decision to make unilaterally.

Yeah. Jill figured I should
have made it double-laterally.

She used that word?

No. No, she doesn't
have a big vocabulary

like you and me.

I thought if I separated them, it
would stop them from fighting.

Oh, I see. Well, Tim, what
were they fighting about?

They're boys. They fight about
everything. What does it matter?

Well, Tim, what
you're describing to me

brings to mind the
verruca vulgaris.

Uhh? Also known
as the common wart.

You're calling my sons
warts? Not that I mind...

No, no, no, no, no, no,
Tim. What I'm trying to say is,

most people think the best way
to get rid of a wart is to cut it off,

but in actuality that
isn't the best solution.

See, the wart will reappear

because the virus is still
below the surface of the skin.

So just putting my two
warts in separate rooms

isn't gonna cure
this problem, huh?

No. No, Tim, the only
way to get rid of a wart

is to go beneath the
surface of the oily skin

and dig out the root.

I see. Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Wilson? Mm-hmm?

This is bar none the most disgusting
conversation we've ever had.

(chuckles)

(knock on door)

Hi.

Hi.

Where's Mark?

I don't know.

Did you stuff him in
one of these drawers?

Not funny, huh?

It's about as funny
as what Dad did.

You think you could talk to him?

Would you feel better if things
went back to the way they were?

I'd feel better if I
had my own room.

Unfortunately, that's
not gonna be an option.

So what are my options?

Living with the dork

or living with Brad who
talks on the phone all day.

Honey, Brad is in
junior high school now.

He's got a lot of
new stuff happening.

He's meeting new friends,
getting interested in girls...

Let me get this straight.

Brad gets new friends,
girls and his own room

and I get Mark?

I'm sorry. I know that
this is hard for you.

I remember when
my sister hit her teens.

She was doing all this interesting
stuff that I wished I was doing.

Well, like what?

Well, she got her own room.

She started wearing
makeup, shaving her legs.

Can you imagine how I felt
when she got to wear a bra

and I was still wearing
a dorky undershirt?

Yeah, I can. When do you
think I'll get to wear a bra, Mom?

OK. OK, that's probably
not the greatest example.

But what I mean is...
I got older, you know,

and I got to have some of
those same experiences.

I can't say the shaving
the legs part was so great,

but then my sister moved out.

Then you got your own room.

No, then Dad
turned it into a study.

Great. Don't worry.

With your father, you
won't have that problem.

Yeah. Dad's idea of a study

is a toilet and three
hot-rod magazines.

You know, Randy, there
are some advantages

to sharing a room
with a younger kid.

Such as? You have always
wanted to have the upper bunk.

You get to listen to
more of your music,

nobody can kick
you out of your room.

Yeah...

but I can always kick Mark out.

I didn't say that.

Oh, who knows? Maybe one of
these days I'll completely lose my mind

and let your father
build another room.

I don't think so, Mom.

Jill. Jill...

We gotta talk. No,
it's not necessary.

I've been thinking
about what you said,

and I think women do
need to be more decisive.

So I've decided that we should
move my car into the garage

and your hot rod
out to the street

and I should paint all
your tools pink. No, no.

I also decided that I'm not
doing any more of your laundry.

OK, OK, OK, I get your point.

And I've decided that
no matter what I do,

those warts are
going back to Bulgaria.

Why do I even
try to talk to you?

We've got to get
beneath the oily surface

to the root of the
boys' problem.

I've already gotten to
the root of the problem.

Randy feels Brad is
leaving him behind.

What do you mean?
Brad's growing up.

He doesn't want to spend time hanging
around with his little brother anymore.

That's what this is about?

Yeah. It was bound
to happen, I guess.

Yeah. There was a time my brothers
didn't want me tagging around with them.

Did it bum you out?

Not really, 'cause
I'd tag along anyway.

Bummed them out. I bet.

They'd go to the drive-in
with their girlfriends.

I'd sit in back and pop up when
they were starting to make their move

with a fright wig and...
(makes gurgling noise)

(Randy) Get out of my
room! (Mark) It's my room, too!

Let me in! (banging on
door) Get out of my room!

(pretends to sob)

I just made another decision.

Puerto Rico?

It's nice this time of year.

Hi.

Hi.

Is it all right if I
hang out in here?

If you want.

I've gotta get away from Mom.

Why? Did she tell
you the bra story?

No. She keeps bugging
me about my new room.

You know, having your own room

isn't as great
as you think it is.

Why not?

(sighs) Because Mom
says it's a privilege

and with privilege
comes more responsibility.

Sounds bad.

No kidding.

I even have to do
my own laundry.

Oh, man.

But it's not that bad.
See, I figured it out.

I'll only have to
do it once a month

if I turn my shirts inside out

and, um, I wear my
underwear three times.

Brad, do me a little favor.

When it gets to the
end of the month,

stay in your own room.

Hey.

Can you imagine how I felt
when she got to wear a bra

and I was still wearing
a dorky undershirt?

Yeah, I can.

(shouts)