03x19 - Too Many Cooks

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And you all know my assistant
Al "This Land Is" Borland.

Today we're talking about

Binford's new high-tech
security alarm systems for cars,

'cause a secure
car... is a happy car.

While a car that isn't so secure

can cost you thousands
of dollars in therapy fees.

The most inexpensive
way to protect your car

is with the Binford
steering-wheel lock.

It's a good lock, but if
you've got a larger car -

a monster truck, front-end
loader or a space shuttle -

you want the Binford , , .

Now, there's a lock. Look
at the size of that thing.

Well, if you wanna go the
more sophisticated route...

(bad English accent) You might
wanna watch Masterpiece Tool Time

with your host
Alistair Bo-o-o-orland.

Would that be an English accent?

I was talking more
along the lines

of an electric car alarm, the
most basic of which will go off

if your doors or windows
are tampered with.

Right, but you can customize.

You can have a*t*matic door
locks, ignition cutoff, gas cutoff.

And not a moment too soon.

Very funny, Tim.

I'm sure our
nursery-school viewers

are rolling in their sandboxes.

(hisses)

Now, if you wanna go
the whole hog, you...

No.

You probably want the
Binford Thiefbuster .

It has a personalized
voice warning system.

I installed it on
this pony myself.

(alarm chirps) Act like a thief.

(Tim's voice) Back away, Flannel
Man! Back away, Flannel Man!

Back away, Flannel Man!
Back away, Flannel Man!

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

I made the car alarm a little less
sensitive. Only big flies set it off.

What's going on?

It's the Cooking
With Irma audience.

They're starting a little early.
You wanna give me a hand?

No one told me about this.

They're bringing
in the set, pronto.

Hey, Irma. Oh! Hi, guys!

Hi. What's cookin'?

I'm making up a
batch of my ratatouille.

Really? Hmm.

How many parts rat,

how many parts...
(imitates Irma) ..."tatouille"?

Oh, Timothy, I just love
your delightful insouciance.

Al, would you like a taste? I
thought you would never ask.

You bake this, Irma?

Ooh, boy!

Do I detect a hint of tarragon
and a soupçon of oregano?

Oh, very good, Al.

Well, I use that in
my own ratatouille.

You gals have so much in common.

I have just had
some wonderful news.

I just found out
that my daughter

has had a beautiful baby girl!

Congratulations.
Congratulations, Irma.

I can't believe that
my sweet radish

has a little cabbage of her own.

Where was the cabbage
delivered, in salad bar?

Oh, Timothy, you
are incorrigible.

Anyway, I'm gonna be
gone until next Sunday,

and I was wondering
if I could impose on you

to... fill in for me.

You know, be Irma for a week.

Irma for a week?! I don't know.

Come on, Tim.
Irma needs our help.

Her radish just had a cabbage.

Well, when you
put it like that, Al...

Hmm... I could host it.

We could have that Spam
casserole. Al could assist me.

Oh, well, as a matter of fact,

since Al is such
a wonderful cook,

I was hoping that
he would host it

and that you would assist him.

Uh... I don't...

I really don't think Al would
be comfortable with that.

I would love the opportunity.

In fact, you might
say I would relish it.

"Relish"? Oh, Al!

I just admire
your joie de vivre.

That's French for
"big butt cr*ck," isn't it?

Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom.

Hi, kids. How was school?

Great. We got our
class pictures back.

Good. Let me see. Where are you?

Third one from the right.

You're a little Asian girl?

I meant the left.

Oh, you look so cute!

Thanks, Mommy. You look
great. Randy, let me see yours.

I look like a total dork.

Yeah, right. Let me see
it. Where are you? There.

You look very cute, for somebody
who's looking at the girl next to him

with his tongue hanging out.

Yep. Her name's Beth.

Jeremy said I should
ask her to go steady.

Really? Does she feel
the same way about you?

I don't know. I've
never talked to her.

Well, then asking
her to go steady

may be a bit of a leap.

What should I say to her?

You could say
something like... "Hello."

Yeah. "Hello."

That's good.

"Hello, Beth." No.

Maybe, "Hi, Beth."

Or maybe "Hi" and no "Beth."
She knows who she is, right?

Right? Right.

Will you relax. Sit down.

Pretend that I'm Beth.
You know, just talk to me.

I don't know what to say.

Tell me I'm pretty.

Are you Mom or Beth?

(sternly) Does it matter?

You're pretty, Beth.

And Mom.

(imitates Julia Child) I'm
ready for my cooking debut.

Al, something smells
wonderful back here.

Goodness, it's me!

Tim, the show is about to begin.

Are you wearing an apron?
Brought one from home.

Does everybody know
who's in the kitchen?

Irma! That's right, it's
Cooking With Irma...

with special guest
chef Al Borland!

(applause)

(musical flourish)
Thank you, Klaus.

Thank you, Heidi.

That's right, I'm Al
"The Food Man" Borland.

You all know my assistant Tim "Doesn't
Know Gumbo From Dumbo" Taylor.

Not so. Dumbo, of
course, is a pachyderm.

Gumbo is a flexible
green guy that rides Pokey.

OK, well, today, we
are cooking Cajun style,

and that means gumbo.

Now, one of the most important
ingredients in gumbo is...

Gum. Lots of gum.

Just take it off the
bottom of tables and...

Tim. That would be okra.

Okra! From the great
state of Okra-homa.

That's a joke. Half
state, half vegetable.

Like Arkan-slaw.

There's no sense making
jokes about food, is there?

Now... Ha-ha!

The wonderful thing
about gumbo is that,

in addition to your
vegetables and your spices,

you can throw just about
anything into the pot.

You know, if we put Al's mom in
the pot, we'd have jumbo gumbo.

You'd have to know
Al's mom to get that joke.

She's a large, angry woman.

Like so many of
you out there today.

All right, well...

Getting back to
our Cajun cooking,

do you think that they call it Cajun
cooking because you cook it in a cage?

Oh, come on!

You thought that was funny,
but you didn't like "Okra-homa"?

Why don't you be a big help and
take the tops off those peppers?

Now, Cajun cooking is distinguished
by using a lot of very hot peppers,

and, um...

(Tim yells)

As Tim has just
demonstrated here,

if you happen to
bite into a pepper,

you wanna drink plenty
of milk, never water.

(yells)

Water will only make it worse.

Or you can bite
into a piece of bread.

But not jalapeño bread.

Good night, Mrs. McDowell.
Thank you for coming, Mrs. Yost.

Remember the weather
report from the kitchen -

"Chili today, hot tamale."

Hey!

They loved me! They hated me.

Well, you started
off a little rocky,

but once you were in
too much pain to talk,

boy, the show really took off.

I'm gonna take off. I don't
wanna do this tomorrow.

What are you talking
about? Come on.

You don't need me here. You cook
well enough by yourself. I'm just a burden.

How many guys does
it take to lift a radish?

Now come on. We promised Irma.

Besides, tomorrow, I'm cooking with
poultry, and I'm gonna need some help.

Why don't you get one of your
blue-haired groupies to help you out?

I get it. I see what it is.

You're just jealous
because now I'm the star.

The star? You're guest
hosting a cable cooking show.

Yeah, well, I know
why you're backing out.

It's just because you're
not the center of attention.

I just don't like being your dopey
sidekick. You know how demeaning that is?

Don't look at me like that.
This is not like Tool Time.

No, it's not like Tool Time,

because you're the star,
and I'm the dopey sidekick!

I've never used
the word "sidekick."

Hey, Randy, wait
till you hear this.

I talked to Ashley, and Beth
is mildly interested in you.

All right, she's
mildly interested!

They're coming over after
school to hang together.

If she likes you, she's
gonna give Ashley the nod.

"The nod"? You remember the nod.

Oh, right. The nod.

Do you guys know
how stupid you look?

I can't believe
Beth's coming here.

What if I don't have
anything to say to her?

Sit there and talk about yourself
the whole time. Women love that.

I'm surprised you didn't
tell him to burp for Beth.

You gotta save something
for the second date.

(chuckles)

What's cookin'? It's gumbo.

Ohh... Al's recipe.

But, of course, I added
a few things of my own.

I thought Al was really
good on that show today.

What did you think of me?

Well, for a guy who doesn't
know anything about cooking,

I thought you came across

as a guy who doesn't know
anything about cooking.

That's why I'm not doing
it anymore. Makes sense.

Al thinks it's 'cause I can't stand
not being the center of attention.

That makes more sense.

I don't always have to
be the center of attention.

Our wedding - I let you walk
down the aisle by yourself.

While you were making
shadow puppets on the pulpit!

Can I have some salt, please?

This is your problem, Tim.

You cannot be in front of a group of people
without being the center of attention.

That's what you did on Al's show
today. I need pepper - cayenne.

I just can't help it.

You know how hard it is for me to stand
in front of people and not make 'em laugh?

You did a pretty darn
good job of that today.

"Okra-homa"?

"Arkan-slaw" was funny.

Hand me that celery.

I'm just not cut out to
be somebody's assistant.

You have been assisting me
this whole time making the gumbo.

Oh. I could do that.

Look, all you gotta do
is do your homework.

Then when you go and help Al
tomorrow, you'll be in better shape.

I will sit down, and I will tell you
everything that I know about cooking.

OK.

Maybe I'd better get a cookbook.

This is very good lemonade.

Thanks. My mom made it.

You know, Beth,
Randy's a really funny guy.

Really? I like funny people.

Yeah, Randy, say
something funny.

Uh...

OK.

I got a joke.

What do you call bad lemonade?

What?

Lemon lemonade.

(forced laughter)

I don't get it.

That's the last time I
use one of Dad's joke.

Would anybody like a
homemade sugar cookie?

(Beth) Yeah. (Brad)
I would, please.

Are you enjoying the lemonade?

Yes, it's great, thank you.

Beth, I think I met your
parents at Back-to-School night.

Your mother is the, um...

Aerobics instructor.

Oh... yeah. I remember her.

These are really
great sugar cookies.

My mom doesn't keep sweets in our
house. She says they make you fat.

Well, if you guys need me...

I'll be upstairs doing
stomach crunches.

Beth, another cooker snoogie?

I-I mean, a booger cookie?

Is it hot in here?

I'll be right back.

(sighs) Oh, man.
I am such a dork.

Experiencing some adolescent
angst, preteen Taylor?

Oh... Sorry, Wilson.

Mm-hmm.

I just made a jerk of
myself in front of a girl.

Well, Randy Taylor,
welcome to the tribe of men.

I mean, I don't get it.

I really like Beth, but
ever since she got here,

I've been saying
really dumb things.

Randy, probably that's because
you're sailing in unfamiliar waters.

I'm sure the first time Romeo met a girl,
he probably said some dumb things, too.

Hello?

Right here.

Oh.

Did Romeo ask Juliet if she
wanted a "booger cookie"?

Mm... mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm, mmm.

Now, that is a gaffe
and a half. Heh-heh.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe I'm not cut
out for this romance stuff.

(laughs) Well, Randy,

when it comes to winning
the affections of a young lady,

you might heed the
advice of Thomas Herrick.

What'd he say, Wilson?

He said, "To get thine
ends, lay bashfulness aside.

He that fears to
ask doth be denied."

So what you're saying
is, "No guts, no glory."

Very good, young Taylor.

You know, there are those among us who
wouldn't have picked it up that quickly.

So I gotta keep trying, huh?

You may not have
to try too hard.

I think the lady's
equally smitten with you.

What makes you say that?

Because ever since
you came out back,

she's been staring at you.

Oh. Thanks, Wilson. (chuckles)

Hey, what were the first words
you said to a girl you had a crush on?

I believe they were,
"Hidey-ho, good-lookin'."

Thanks, Wilson.

As we all know, the French
are the masters of the kitchen.

Nothing says "bonjour"
better than duck.

Now, the first thing I'm going to be
needing here is a large roasting pan.

It's over here. Where did I...?

Thank you. I didn't think you
were joining me in the kitchen today.

I'm your assistant.
Where else would I be?

Well, great. Thank you.

OK, well. Shall we
begin by explaining

how we're going
to dress our duck?

How do you dress a duck?

If it's formal, coat and tie.

Now, once I get
finished stuffing the duck,

I will be closing it up.

And for that, I think you'll
be using a poultry lacer.

Actually, Tim, I was thinking
of using some "duck" tape.

I don't think so, Al.

Tim, you wanna double check to see if
I've preheated our oven to degrees?

OK. I also read that
you shouldn't overstuff

your duck 'cause
it gets in there...

Tim, I think I know
what I'm doing.

I'm just saying... That's fine.

on the dot.

We've also moved
our rack to the top level

so that bird will come
out nice and crispy.

Voilà. OK, we're all
ready for the duck.

OK.

Get it before the heat goes out.

Yeah. I just... Just making
sure that that is stuffed in there.

You want me to give you a hand?

I think I know
what I'm doing, Tim.

What Al's done here is
actually develop a new recipe.

You've heard of
pheasant under glass.

This would be quacker
through the glass.

Join us tomorrow
for our salute...

(cow moos)

to beef.

(♪ theme song)

(turns off TV)

Well, Tim, I'm very impressed.

See what a great
second banana you were?

It would have been a tragedy
had that second banana split.

It's : . I wonder
where Randy is.

He's probably with
Beth, getting more nods.

Like father, like son, you know.

What do you mean by that?

If you recall, on our first
date, you gave me the nod.

Yeah, that was all you got.

I'm home!

Hey, k*ller. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

How'd it go?

Well... we're past
the nod stage.

What? She gave me a kiss.

What?! Mom.

What would you have done if
I'd kissed you on the first date?

Would've woken up.

Hi! Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

You all know my
assistant Al... Oh.

We got that out of the way.

Cut. Pick it up.

I see what it is.

You're just jealous
because now I'm the star.

Oh, back the bread
basket up, buddy.

You're just substitute host
for a cable cooking show.