03x20 - It Was the Best of Tims, It Was the Worst of Tims

[bunniefuu]

All right.

I'm gonna show you how to do a
reversal from the down position.

I'm gonna pin you in
about three seconds.

That's real fair, Dad. You
weigh like a ton more than me.

A ton? OK, if that's not fair, why
don't I just take on all three of you?

All right!

Come on, you
bunch of little girls.

, , ! You're
pinned! You lose!

Yeah, but...

not the second round! No!

Dad, it smells under
here! Seriously!

It's the Tim Taylor
half-smelly-nelson!

Yeah, Dad. Your
pits are the pits!

Hi, guys. I see he's got you
in that half-smelly-nelson.

How'd you know?

He perfected it on me.

Boys, aren't you supposed
to be doing homework?

I was until Dad called
us down to wrestle.

Tim...

You won't wrestle with me
anymore, iguana woman. Come on.

Hey, just put the
groceries away, ape man.

(grunts)

Bite-size pretzels...

bite-size quiche. Darling.

Bite-size pizza. Who's coming
over, the Bite-size family?

I told you, I'm giving a baby
shower for Linda from work.

Linda. Her husband's the crook?

He's not a crook. He's a cook.

We went to his restaurant.

That's right. I paid
the bill. He's a crook.

Anyway, it's at
: on Saturday,

and a lot of people from
work are gonna be there.

You mean a lot of people
people or a lot of women people?

Women people.

They're just like men people, only they
have longer hair, and they're smarter.

Bunch of women at a baby shower,

yakking about stretch
marks, bloating, labor pains...

I wanna discuss labor
pains, I'll talk to a union man.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

Why don't you pop your head
in and say hi for a second?

I really want you to meet
my women friends from work.

Can't this Saturday. Why not?

I'm busy on Saturday. We're
doing that Tool Time till : .

And I told the boys
I'd rush back here

and take them to the
demolition derby at four.

Well, there's two
hours in between there.

Well, then I go upstairs.

To do what?

Upstairs stuff.

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

Does everybody
know what time it is?

(all) Tool Time!

That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Thank you, everybody,
and welcome to Tool Time.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Thank you, Heidi. Poor
little Al's out sick today.

But don't have a
flannel meltdown.

He's gonna be helping us out by
phone. Heidi, my Al phone, please.

Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.

He's looking pretty
sprightly, isn't he?

Al, you there? Ahchoo!

Use a tissue, fella. Come on!

I would like the audience
to know that I used a hanky.

This is the first time
you've been out sick, isn't it?

Which is amazing,

considering all the injuries
you've inflicted on me.

Put your hand down, Tim.

Anyway, today we continue
our week-long salute...

(drain gurgling)

to plumbing.

And joining us today is
master plumber Felix Myman.

Let's give him a big
Tool Time welcome.

Good to have you aboard,
Felix. Nice to be here, Tim.

Felix and I go way back, right?

That's right. I've been to your house
for all of your plumbing disasters.

The water heater, the
dishwasher, Jill's bathtub...

I think we get the point.

Anyway, we'll try to get...
(Al snorts and snickers)

Being a master plumber,

Felix is experienced with all
sorts of bathroom problems -

sinks, showers...

Speaking of showers, what
do you think of baby showers?

I'm against them. I think
babies should take baths.

No, it's a different
sort of shower.

It's like when
women get together

and yap about what to
do when their water breaks.

With any kind of water breakage,

you wanna call a
licensed plumber.

The first segment of our plumbing
show will start in the bathroom,

where all the action takes
place, right on the throne.

We're talking about a sweaty
toilet. Heidi, my sweaty toilet, please.

Here you are, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.

You're welcome.

Now, what is a sweaty toilet?

Is it a toilet that's just overstressed
from too many seat-ups?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I don't think so, Tim.

Actually, Tim, this
problem occurs

when the cold water in
the t*nk cools the porcelain,

and the warm, moist air
condenses on the sides.

Well said, Felix.

I'm glad there's somebody there
who knows what he's talking about.

I'm usually the one that
has to step in and tell Tim...

Talk to you later, Al.

(dial tone)

OK, Felix. What do we
do about a sweaty toilet?

You can install a tempering
valve to mix the hot and cold water

before it enters the t*nk.

But that's for professional
installation only.

For that, hire a licensed
plumber like Felix.

For the do-it-yourselfer,

you can just cement
foam liners inside the t*nk.

You'll wanna drain the
water from the t*nk first

and use an epoxy resin cement,

which will take a
couple of hours to dry.

Yeah, but, Felix, when
you gotta go, you got to go.

That's why I recommend

Binford's ultra-fast-drying
urethane adhesive.

I'm not sure you wanna
use that kind of glue.

I know what I'm doing here,
OK? Just wait till it's tacky...

Tim, I'd be careful. That's
instant glue you're using.

It's not like instant instant.

(phone ringing)

Would you get that
for me? Oh, sure.

Hello? Oh, hi, Al.

What does he want?

He wants to know if you've got
your hands glued to the toilet yet.

Come on!

(all) Aw!

I love these bootees.
They're darling.

OK. Anybody ready
for cake? (all) Ohh!

I'll help you.

OK. Hi, sweetie. When did
you get home? I'm not home.

Jill, is that your husband?

Tell 'em I'm your Latin lover
Miguel, and I don't speak English.

Yes, it is my husband.
Come and say hi.

IHola!

Come and say hi
and don't act stupid.

This is my husband Tim.

(all) Hi. Hi, everybody.
Welcome to our house.

Um... Shower power!

So, I finally get to meet
"The Tool Man." Yeah.

You know, I watch your
show all the time. Really?

Yeah. Who are you?

Nora. I loved the
one on squeaky floors.

"A squeak, a
creak or a... Ohhh!"

A lot of people liked that show.

Yeah. Two letters
have already poured in.

Jill, I hope you don't
mind me saying this,

but I think Tim is even
more handsome in person

than he is on television.

Well... Excuse me. I don't mind.

You are...? Eve.

Can I get you a cold drink,
some dip or a condominium?

And - I'm just taking a shot -
you must be the guest of honor.

Hi. I'm Linda. Can
you join us, Tim?

Oh... I'm not a big baby-shower
guy. I'm a big baby guy.

Oh. I hope my husband
turns out to be a big baby guy.

He's really nervous right now.

Here. I'll take
these. Thank you.

Guys are generally
nervous about babies.

You women do all the work, and
then we have to sit back and think,

"Will I be a good father to
him? Will he relate to me?"

Or even worse, what if
he turns out to be a she?

Then I have to protect
she from all the he's.

You sound like you've
given this a lot of thought.

We had three boys. They were babies
once, and they were really cool babies.

I think men have a lot
in common with babies.

We both get real cranky
if we don't get fed on time.

We like to take
naps in the afternoon.

And I don't know a guy in the world that
doesn't like a good game of peek-a-boo.

(women) Ohh!

This is a lot of fun. I
wish I could stay around.

Have a nice shower
and have fun here. Bye.

What a doll.

Jill, you are so lucky.

That is exactly the kind of
man I've been looking for.

He is fabulous.

He is fabulous. Who was that?

This was a great shower,
Jill. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.
Here, I'll do that.

I've put all your gifts in the trunk.
Where'd you get that bib with the trough?

It'd be perfect for ball games.

"That last beer was a
little too much for me."

I'm gonna take the boys
on an educational trip.

Museum? Library?

Actually, demolition
derby. Vroom-bam!

He is so funny. You
must laugh all the time.

All the time.

Thanks again. You be well.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Here you go, here you go.

Thanks, Mom. Bye-bye.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Yes! See you later, honey.

You! Wait.

What?

You were incredible
at that shower.

You were funny and
charming and sexy.

All the women wanted
to be married to you.

I wanted to be
married to them, too.

Maybe we could work out some
kind of time-share arrangement.

You know, sometimes I just forget
what an amazing hunk of man you are.

Ohh.

Well, I'd love to stick
around and give you

a little reminder, but...
the boys need me.

I need you.

(car horn honks) Ah!

Demolition derby... sexy wife.

Demolition derby...
ooh, sexy wife.

Could you hold that thought
till about : tonight?

This thought here?

That would... that would
be the one. (car horn honks)

Hurry back, mister.

Every time I see two heaps slam into one
another tonight, I'll be thinking about us.

Honey, what a demolition
derby. I wish you'd been there.

We were so close to the action,
you could taste the exhaust.

I'm glad you're back.
Where are the boys?

They're in their rooms.
Proud of those little guys.

They each had one of
those -ounce root beers.

Randy let out a burp so loud,

one of the drivers
thought he blew a tire.

I always knew that
that boy was special.

(whistles) Are you looking good.

Let me get out of
these cruddy clothes.

Don't take too long. I won't.

What a great night
with the boys, though.

A lot of good food... Oh!

Ah!

Ohh! I got some double-cheese
nachos sitting right here.

(burps) Ohh!

Tim!

Got a little gas ball
moving, moving...

(burps)

Ah!

This is real attractive.

So...

where were we?

It's kinda hard to remember.

This'll refresh your memory.

(stifles burp)

Sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
Mark was right. Ohh.

You shouldn't have double
onions on those chili dogs.

Hello...

Where are you going?

I've had enough.

I thought we were
gonna, you know...

Are you insane?

You were drooling
all over me when I left.

Yeah, well, that
was a different guy.

What happened to the man who was
debonair and attractive and oozing charm?

That's me. I'm him.

No, you're the guy that burps and
oozes something, but it isn't charm.

You were charming the
pants off those women today.

Why don't you do
that with me anymore?

I was just trying to
make a good impression.

It really ticks me off that
just because we're married,

everybody else gets the best
part of you, and I just get the rest.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back the trolley
up here a minute.

It's not like I get
the best o' Jill.

That morning breath could
take the paint off my hot rod.

And how about
this little ratty robe?

Like that says, "Come
and take me, big fella."

The point is that
tonight, I really tried.

When was the last time that you
put on something like this for me?

I put that on, I'd
be arrested, honey.

Come on.

All I wanted was
one night of romance,

and you turn it
into a big argument.

So let's not argue. I, for
one, am still in the mood.

I'm taking a wild
shot that you're not.

Ohh! Drat, drat,
drat, drat, drat.

Problem, Wilson?

Well, Tim, I am attempting
to balance an egg,

but it's not easy.

But if it falls, it's
overeasy. (chuckles)

You are quite the yolkster.

Actually, Tim, some people believe
that an egg will stand on its end

during the vernal equinox.

The vernal what-nox?

The vernal equinox, Tim.

It signifies the
first day of spring,

it's when the sun is
directly over the equator

and gravitational
pull is at its strongest.

That's probably
what's affecting Jill.

What'd you do this time, Tim?

I didn't do anything. She's bent out
of shape because I'm too charming.

You are quite the dazzler. I don't
see why that would upset Jill, though.

She thinks I'm only charming
for other people and not her.

Oh. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I think she wants things to be
like they were when we first met.

But I like the way
things are now.

I like not always having to impress
the other person or get dressed up.

Mm-hmm. So you would tend
to agree with J.B. Priestley,

who said that, "Marriage is like an
endless visit in your worst clothes."

(chuckles)

That guy really
knew about marriage.

And divorce, too. He
was married three times.

Oh, no!

Three mother-in-laws. (clucks)

(laughs)

When Jill and I
first got married,

in order win her, I really
had to pour on the charm.

Then she wanted to see through
the charm and see if I really loved her.

And now that she knows I really
love her, she wants the charm back.

Hmm. Well, Tim, maybe
after years of marriage,

making an effort to be more
charming has more meaning.

Hmm. Yeah.

It's too bad. I like being
comfortable in my own house.

If I've got a little gas, I don't want
to have to run out to the backyard.

I don't want that, either.

Jill? Hi.

Hi. I was laying
under the hot rod,

and I got to thinking about you.

Really? Usually
you're laying with me

and get to thinking
about the hot rod.

I think you're right.

I don't really work on
charming you like I used to.

Well, that's true.

I don't think you wore coveralls
to bed until the fifth anniversary.

I just don't wanna be one of those
priests that drops eggs on his three wives.

What?

Sometimes in a marriage,
you can get too comfortable.

Well, we're both getting lazy.

I guess after years and
three kids, it's kinda natural.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't
wanna get so lazy that we stop trying.

Me neither.

Do you remember when
I asked you to marry me?

I was so nervous, my hands
were as sweaty as toilets.

Why were you nervous?

I was afraid you'd say no and I'd have
to spend the rest of my life without you.

I knew I couldn't
return that ring.

You still make me laugh.

That's good. It's the best
years I've ever had.

Got a little gift for
you. Stay right there.

Oh...

You still have some charm left.

I still have some
tricks up my sleeve.

Whoa!

Bond. James Bond.

(♪ "The Way You Look Tonight")

I wish that I had a beautiful
gown on underneath my robe.

What do you have on
under there? Nothing.

Ohh-ho.

That's better than any gown.

Are Mom and Dad up yet?
No. And quit bugging us!

It's late. When are
they gonna get up?

Don't you know anything?

Whenever Mom
and Dad have a fight,

Dad apologizes, and then, the
next morning, they sleep late.

I don't think they're sleeping.

You don't? Why not?

Because I heard them jumping
up and down on their bed.

Oh... Well, you know,

they're probably just having one
of their, um... somersault contests.

Yeah. It's a lot
like the Olympics.

Sounds like fun. Why
don't they ask us to play?

Trust me, Mark.
You don't wanna play.

Oh. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, sweetie. What a great day.

Yeah, what a great day. Yeah.

Brad and Randy told me
what you were doing upstairs.

They did?

Yeah. Having one of those
somersault contests. Who won?

Your mom won. She always wins.

You did win, didn't you? Twice.

(grunts)

Does everybody
know what time it is?

OK, there's a little thing we
do here. We yell "Tool Time."

It sounds like you've
given this a lot of thought.

Well, we had
three... three babies...

When the boys were
babies, and I... You know...

Men are actually
a lot like babies.