03x21 - Fifth Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

Oh, you guys are doing so great.

This is gonna raise a lot
of money for the library.

I hate to break this to you, Mom, but you
forgot to put the date on the invitations.

It's not supposed to have a
date. It's a "no dinner" dinner.

What's that?

It's a dinner party with
no dinner and no party.

Sounds great, Mom. Put
me down for five "no tickets."

I know it sounds
a little confusing,

but this way, the library doesn't
have to buy food or rent a hall.

They get to keep all
the money they raise.

Then why do you send an invitation?
Why don't you just ask for money?

'Cause it's fun. You
know, people get into it.

Cool. Tonight, I think I'll throw myself
a "no homework" homework party.

Yeah, right.

Morning, everybody. Morning.

Big day today. We're
doing a huge Tool Time.

What's it about, Dad?

We're building a man's kitchen.

What's that, a kitchen where
you stand over the sink to eat?

No, a man's kitchen.

You can cook a cow,
braise a buffalo, grill a grizzly.

(grunts)

You can eat grizzly?

Yeah, sure.

Tastes like chicken.

And with the leftovers, you can make
a peanut butter and grizzly sandwich.

(grizzly-like roar)

What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?

The Binford

is available at fine
hardware stores everywhere.

Remember, if your
drill says "Binford,"

get outta the house!

Tools aren't
supposed to talk to you!

Now the moment we've
all been waiting for -

the introduction of the
man's kitchen. A guy's galley.

I am man, hear me roast.

(grunts)

Well, Tim, what do you say
we start her up? That's right.

The only kitchen I know
that has an ignition system.

(motor turns over)

Come on, come on.

Maybe we should get jumper
cables, hook it up to another kitchen.

I think I got it. (motor starts)

Listen to that baby purr.

Let's step inside, take a
tour of the man's kitchen.

(grunts)

Well, we start first
here at men's fine china.

That's right.

-ply steel-belted
paper plates.

These plates are available

in standard black
and white walls.

Now we move on to the most
important part of the meal - vegetables.

For most men, there's only
two kinds of vegetables -

your beans and your potatoes.

I had my beans
yesterday. I know.

Now, potatoes...
mmm, hard to cook,

'cause when a guy wants
to eat, a guy wants to eat.

He can't wait for endless
seconds on a microwave.

That's why we've got
the Binford macrowave.

Three convenient
power settings -

"high,""really high" and
"split your own atoms."

Now, Tim, won't this put
out a little too much radiation?

Mm, that's a
good safety tip, Al.

That's why we're
equipped with these.

Lead vests.

Also useful in case Superman wants
to take a peek at your underwear.

No problem there.
I'm not wearing any.

Don't wanna overcook a potato,
so only in there a couple of seconds.

Now don't look
directly at the potato.

(ding)

Once they stop glowing,
they're probably ready to eat.

Grab the potatoes. All right.

Hot potato! Hot potato!

Here we have our
beverage center.

We got beer, got root
beer, Pepto-Bismol.

But now we get to
that main course.

Ooh, yeah. The main course
in every man's meal is what?

That would be meat.

The redder...

(both) The better.

The man's refrigerator -
stainless-steel doors, big cubic inches.

What does every man dream
about having in a refrigerator?

That's simple, Tim. A butcher.

Benny, how are you doing?

Hey, Tim. Hi, Al.
What will it be today?

I don't know. I got a hankering
for a thick porterhouse.

Good choice.

I'll take the petite
filet mignon.

Takes all kinds.

Here you go. Good-looking
meat. Thanks a lot. Stay cool.

All right, we flip
them on our grill.

Now, you don't wanna overcook
'em. You just want 'em flame-kissed.

Ding! They're done. All right.

(moos) Still moving, Al.

Now we're ready to
put on our seasoning.

Right. We got hot sauce,
steak sauce, barbecue sauce.

What's your pick?

Not one of those. I'd
like just a pinch of salt.

You got it, friend.

(coughing

Well, I seem to have messed up
your dinner. Let's get rid of those plates.

Right down to the
recycling center.

Now, we've cleaned the dishes.
What about all the mess in the kitchen?

The grease, the appliances, the
floor, the walls? What do we do now?

Tim, the best thing about
the Binford men's kitchen

is it's entirely self-cleaning.

It is. That's right.

We got the Binford
kitchen-washing system here.

You step out of the kitchen,
shut your waterproof doors...

(♪ fanfare)

Klaus, can we cut the...?
What is this, a Renaissance fair?

You add your detergent
pellets early in the week,

then you put it on heavy
wash, spin dry, energy saver.

Start your wash.

In a half-hour, you
got a clean kitchen.

Floors, walls, the
whole thing's...

Yeah, that's a fine charity. I'm
sure that they have a lovely dinner,

but our dinner's a little
different. There is no dinner.

No, this is not a crank call.

Uh, we're having a
"no dinner" dinner.

It means you don't
have to get dressed up

and sit in a big
impersonal ballroom

and make small talk with
people you don't know.

You like that.

Well, um, maybe you could
just send a contribution anyway.

You know, 'cause the
library really needs... Hello?

I can't believe she
hung up on me. Hi.

Hi. What's the matter?

This "no dinner" dinner thing is not as
easy as I thought. Nobody understands it.

I can't think about it right
now. My mind's racing.

The man's kitchen went over
bigger than I ever expected.

You know what the end
of next week is? No, what?

It's the fifth anniversary
of Tool Time.

I can't believe you
don't remember this.

Tim, when is our anniversary?

February.

February what?

Middle.

You are so pathetic.

Listen to me. This
anniversary show is huge.

It's gotta be bigger
than a kitchen show.

I gotta think of something that
will knock the audience's socks off.

Why don't you show highlights
from some of your best shows?

As good as those would be, you can't
just show clips for an anniversary show.

You've gotta think big. Help me.

OK, how about this? All right.

You take the whole crew
to Arizona. I'm with you.

Drive to the Grand Canyon. Yeah.

Fill the whole
thing in with putty.

That's ridiculous. Putty.

Al. Al!

I've got a great idea for our
Tool Time anniversary show.

I've been thinking
about that, too.

It should be something simple,
tasteful and totally tool-oriented.

How about taking the whole
crew down to Indy Speedway?

I like it. Yeah!

There's more. I'll challenge Michael
and Mario Andretti to race with myself.

Great! What about me?

You can serve sandwiches
and wash the cars and stuff.

President Davidson. Hi, guys.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Al.

Tim, Tim, Tim.

What, what, what?

I'm sitting in Binford
headquarters the other day,

I turn on the show that we
sponsor, and what do I see?

The glare of your head
reflecting off the screen?

No, Tim. I see a kitchen

that has sucked up your
budget for the next six months,

although I do appreciate your using
my brother-in-law as the butcher.

These figures are off. Did you see
the ratings? They went through the roof.

It doesn't justify what you
spent. We talked about this.

You promised you were
gonna start cutting back.

I did cut back. You know
those... those lead vests?

Al's was only lead-plated.

Excuse me. I have
to see a doctor now.

It was a joke. A
joke, a joke, a joke.

Well, I'm not joking, Tim.

From now on, you don't
spend a cent unless I OK it.

All right. We'll start after
the anniversary show.

Wait. What have you
got planned for that?

Well, we're going
to Indianapolis.

Aah...

Really?

Well, two words
come to mind. Uh-uh.

No, no. Look, let me just-just
try to explain this to you again.

This is a "no dinner" dinner.

It doesn't matter what you wear.
There is no place to wear it to.

No, no, there's no point in ordering a
vegetarian plate. There's no food. No food.

Look, just send me a
check, OK? Goodbye.

Jill. Jill. Guess what
happened when Davidson saw...

You will not believe what I'm
going through with this fund-raiser.

You think it's hard to
sell tickets to a dinner?

Try selling tickets to
a "no dinner" dinner.

He cut the budget on the show. I am
sick and tired of asking people for money.

It is so degrading.

Talk about degrading. He...
People treat me like a bill collector!

You know, they have their numbers
changed just to avoid talking to me.

They see me at the supermarket,
there's this mad rush for the door.

I wanted to have
the Andrettis on...

You have no idea what it's like

to be the cause of a
multi-shopping cart collision.

Unfortunately, I do
know how that feels.

I did this out of the
goodness of my heart.

If I could just... I am so
tired of giving, giving, giving.

When this is all over,
I don't want anybody

to ask anything
of me ever again.

Oh, I'm so sorry. What were
you saying? How was your day?

Oh, my, my, my, I
know it must be spring

when I hear the sweet sounds
of a wire bristle on a rusty grill.

That's it, Wilson. What
have you got there?

Tim, I'm about to add some
bacterial organisms to my milk.

Really?

I'm more of a chocolate
syrup kind of guy.

(chuckles)

No, no, no, no, Tim.
I'm making yogurt.

The bacteria sours the milk.

You must have put some of that in
my boss' milk. He's sour all the time.

Tool Time troubles, Tim?

Our fifth anniversary
show is coming up.

I wanna make a big deal,
but Davidson won't pay for it.

I want to make a big,
spectacular gift to my audience.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, Tim, in ancient
China, there was once an emperor,

and every year on his birthday,

everybody in the land
would bring him a gift.

And every year, the gifts
became more and more elaborate.

I get your point.

That's very good, 'cause
I haven't made one yet.

One year, a small boy
appeared before the emperor

and told him that he
had no riches to give.

The only gift that
he had was a song.

You know what the emperor did?

Got him booked on d*ck
Woo's Chinese Bandstand.

You're not making
this easy, Tim.

Anyway, when the
emperor heard this song,

he was so moved that he
proclaimed it the greatest gift of all,

because it was a gift
that came from the heart.

Well, I must get
back to the yogurt.

Does everybody know what
time it is? (all) Tool Time!

That's right. Here he is
celebrating his fifth fabulous year -

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you. Thank you,
Heidi. Thank you, everybody.

Thanks very much. That's kind of
you. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

and you know my assistant - Al
"Stand By Your Tool Man" Borland.

It's great to be here on this auspicious
occasion. Happy anniversary, Tim.

You, too, and happy anniversary
to the audience out there.

If you look under your seats, there's a
personalized gift from "The Tool Man."

Made you look.

We've had a lot of fun
these last five years.

A lot of it's to do with my family. They're
here today. Let's meet 'em, can we?

My lovely, beautiful and
very attractive wife Jill.

Brad, Mark and
Randy - my little boys.

Oh, and my neighbor's here
up behind them. Wilson, say hi.

Festum diem
anniversarium tibi, Tim.

What?

That means "Happy
anniversary to you" in Latin.

The Ancient Romans...

Not now, Wilson, not now. We've
got plenty of show to do here, buddy.

There's a lot of ways we could
celebrate our fifth anniversary.

Could've gone to Indy and
had some race drivers on.

But Al and I decided to do
something more from the heart,

like the young Chinese boy
that smelled his own yogurt.

We started the show
with a very small budget.

It was just two guys
with a passion for tools.

And one guy who knew
how to use them. Yeah.

So I went to Binford's
headquarters, in the archives,

and got our first episode, and I
put together a little highlight tape.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the birth of the tool show.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

(all, unenthused) Tool Time.

That's correct.

Binford Tools is happy to
present your host Tom Taylor.

(plays theme)

Uh, thank you, Mrs.
Binford. It's Tim Taylor.

All right.

Well, welcome, audience,

to the premiere
episode of Tool Time.

It's a show that celebrates
men and their tools.

Before we get to
our project today,

I'd like to bring out an
assistant that we hired for me.

We auditioned contractors all through the
Detroit area, a lot of professional men,

and this is the guy that would
work for the money we offered.

So, let's bring him out.

A contractor, a master plumber
and a Pisces - Albert Borland.

Come on out, Albert.

Good to have you here.

Hi.

OK. It's nice to have you here.

I'm Al Borland, and I'm pleased
to make your acquaintance.

I'm also very honored

to be part of your
tool education.

It's over here, though. You
would look into this camera. Um...

My wife suggested I cut the
beard for the look, but I think it fits...

Oh, no, no. I like
a man in a beard.

Whoa, big fella.

Speaking of big fella,

who's that big guy you
were talking with backstage?

That was my mother.

OK. Before we get started,

the first thing we're gonna learn
today is how to drive a stake.

I don't understand. Aren't we
talking about wooden stakes?

Albert... can I call you Al?

OK.

This is supposed to be a
joke. Guy driving a steak.

Ah...

We've leveled our dirt.
We got some form up.

Al, you guide us
the rest of the way.

We've done about everything

until we pour the concrete,

so all we need to do now is
set the stakes, close in the form.

Exactly!

We need a sledgehammer for that.

Mrs. Binford...

There you go, Tom.

Thank you, Mrs.
Been-In-The-Sauce.

Al, will you hold the
stake while I drive her in?

I'd be pleased to, Tim. With an expert
like Tim, I know I'm in good hands.

I think we've had
about enough of that.

Anyway, I hope you
enjoyed our first episode.

Not so fast.

Jill and I have a
surprise for you. What?

We knew you were disappointed when
we couldn't do the show live from Indy.

So we brought a little bit of
Indy to you. What'd you do?

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael
Andretti and Johnny Rutherford.

Hey, hey!

Hey.

Great stuff.

Ah...

Put 'er there.

Al, honey, this is... Oh, boy.

Well, um, our guests.

Michael Andretti, you've come
from Formula One to race Indy cars.

With the Chip
Ganassi team, right?

And Johnny Rutherford - three-time
Indy winner. This is just too great.

Your dad didn't show
up - Mario. Where's he?

Dad couldn't come. He's racing his racecar,
but I brought somebody just as old.

I believe I beat you
here from the airport, kid.

That's 'cause I used
Tim's directions.

Guys, guys. We're
not on a dirt track here.

Come on, let's enjoy ourselves.
Who talked you into doing this?

Well, your wife can be a
pretty persuasive woman.

Yeah. She even talked
us into a "no dinner" dinner.

Hope there's chicken.

We'll talk with the drivers
after this message from Binford.

That's amazing.

I had no idea you could do that
in an Indy car. That's unbelievable.

I gotta thank Michael Andretti and
Johnny Rutherford for being on the show.

How about a round of
applause for the boys here?

Yeah.

Along with our guests, Al
and I wanna thank the people

really responsible
for Tool Time.

I wanna get everybody
out here. All the grips,

the prop people,
costumes, lights, everybody.

Come on, everybody
out here. Everybody!

Everybody here on Tool Time.

Wait a minute.

Hey, cameramen, too.

You guys gotta get out here.

Come on, everybody. Come on.

Uh-oh. Bad idea.

(Tim) Come on out, Albert.

Golly, gosh, darn it,

we've had some fun,
haven't we, over the years?

And a lot of it's to
do with my family.

I wanna spin over here
and introduce my family here.

My beautiful, talented,
brilliant wife Pat.