07x04 - Girl Talk

[bunniefuu]

Rose, where's
that itch cream?

I got me one fierce
bug bite.

Dan, you know that mirror
in the bathroom?

Well, that mirror
is actually a magical door

that opens
into a world of medicine.

I looked
in the medicine cabinet,

and it ain't in there.

Are you sure it was
the medicine cabinet

you looked in?

Was it cold?

Was there milk and beer
in there?

Come on, Becky,

I can't sleep
with the light on.

Well, I can't read
with the light off.

I looked on every shelf.

I even moved a jar.

Shh!

If I don't
get some sleep,

I'm gonna be in a bad mood
all day tomorrow.

So, how
is that different

from any other day
of the week?

Good one, Becky.

I'm tired,
and I want to sleep.

Turn off the damn light.

I'm not tired, and I
don't want to sleep.

Whoa. Whoa.
Where's that cream?

I got me another bite.

Why don't you go
downstairs and read?

You can turn on every light
in the damn house then.

If I go downstairs-

They've been fightin' for
three days over a light?

No, Dan, they are not actually
fighting about a light.

The light
is just an excuse

for what they're really
fighting about,

like that time
we had the fight

about you
and your bad breath.

What do you mean?

I was actually mad
because you came home late,

so you brushed
your teeth for nothin'.

I'm keeping the light on
so I can read.

Fine. Let's see how well you
can read without the light bulb.

Aah!
Ha ha ha!

He's , and he just figures
out light bulbs are hot.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, Roseanne,
the reviews are in.

Our suggestion box
is full.

You know
what that means?

Yeah, time
to get a new box

with no slot
on the top.

Oh, you know, I wonder

how someone with your
obvious people skills

could be afraid of
a little suggestion box.

Well, it's demeaning.

It reminds
our regular customers

that they are
unable to write.

Well, just remember
there is nothing to fear

but, well,
everything that's inside.

Ha. Okay,
suggestion number :

"The meat
is a little dry. "

I would agree with that.

Suggestion number :

"Make
that uptight blond guy

"stop hovering over us

while we're trying
to... eat. "

I would agree
with that.

Now let's see...
suggestion number :

"Lose the waiter guy.

He reminds me
of my mother. "

Well, aren't we clever,
Roseanne?

Stuffing
the suggestion box.

This is your suggestion,
isn't it?

Guess again.

Well, luckily, uh,

I don't
value the opinion

of anyone who would
choose to eat here.

Okay, a deal's a deal.

Free pie.

Sorry I'm late. The baby
kept me up all night.

Well, you married him.

I was up all night, too.
Why?

'Cause Becky and Mark were having
a big fight in the next room,

and it's hard to sleep when
you're wearing a stethoscope.

My, they certainly have been
fighting a lot lately, hmm?

I try to get Becky to talk
about it, but she won't.

It's a shame when a daughter
won't talk to her mother

about certain
marital problems.

You know!

I never said that.

You totally know.
What's goin' on?

Well, it's sort of
a bedroom thing.

I swore to Becky
I wouldn't tell.

Well, it's not my fault

that you make promises
you can't keep.

Well, there's really
nothing to tell

because there's
nothing to tell.

Nothing?

So...
how much nothing?

Like five weeks
of nothing,

and when you're
trying to have a baby,

that is a whole lot
of nothing.

So Becky shut Mark down.

I wonder what
his brain's gonna do

with all that extra blood.

Yeah, I guess one could interpret
the situation in that way

if one only had
partial knowledge.

Spill it.

Well, um...

according to Becky,

she is not the one
holding back.

Wow. Really?

Yes. Mark is just
not interested in sex.

Poor Becky.

Yeah. Now she'll have
to teach him to talk.

But please don't tell
Becky that I told you,

because I promised.

You know
I wouldn't do that.

Besides, my word is every
bit as good as yours.

I just think maybe
she felt more comfortable

talking to someone who might
understand her problem.

Oh, no way.

Your kid's
months old,

and you guys still
aren't doin' it?

No, we're doing it,

but things have gotten
kind of rushed.

Well, rushed is
kind of fun, you know.

Sometimes me and Dan try
to race the microwave popcorn.

It's not fun
to rush every time.

Fred is so nervous
about wakin' the baby up

that he is beginning to
gloss over some vital areas.

Oh, my God.
Are you talking about-

You mean he gets
in the elevator,

but he won't go down?

If I wasn't gay before,
I would be now.

Well, if you
weren't gay before,

then a whole bunch of guys
owe you a big apology.

Hey, have you gotten

to the really horny part
of pregnancy yet?

Well, uh, you don't see
any delivery boys

circling my house yet,
do you?

No, so-Well, that
must be tough on Dan

if you're not
all that interested.

Yeah, he's convinced

that it's 'cause we're
stale, you know,

so he thinks he's
gettin' these big ideas

out of these crazy
men's magazines,

stuff to try, you know,

like, uh...

last night, he wanted
to suck my toes.

Really?

Yeah.

Did it get you
excited?

No!

But it got him goin'.

No! Dan? No!

Yeah. Well, it turned out
pretty good,

but I wasn't gonna
kiss him after that.

Hello?

Oh, uh, David Healy?

How do you girls keep
getting this phone number?

We've had it changed
five times.

Hey, it's a Betty Fuller,

and she wants you to go
have coffee with her.

Uh, I don't drink coffee.

Coffee is just a code,
David.

She's trying
to be ladylike.

She can't just come right out
and say "Nail me!"

Please, Mrs. Conner,
just tell her I'm not in.

Uh, yeah, Betty, hi.

I'm sorry, but, uh,
David isn't here.

Apparently,
he had an emergency

slouch and mope seminar
to attend.

But I'll let him
know you called.

Thanks, I think.

Why don't you
go out with her?

Betty's a nice person.

I just don't think it would
work out with her.

Well, it doesn't have
to work out with her.

She's a practice girl.

You know, she's like
the frame that you bowl

before you actually
start keeping score.

Look, I'm just not ready
to have coffee with someone.

When I'm ready to have
coffee with someone,

then I'll have coffee
with someone.

Well, you better start
drinking coffee pretty soon,

or you're gonna end up alone in
your room grinding your own beans.

Good afternoon, family...

pseudo-family.

Boy, do I feel good.

Well, of course you do. You
haven't been here all day.

You are lookin' at a man

whose crew just finished the bi-yearly
maintenance on the school buses

five-count 'em-
five days early.

City's so pleased,
they're talking bonus.

It'll never happen,
but there is talk.

Well, um, David, could
you get out of here?

'Cause I need to speak
to Mr. Conner alone.

Oh, Roseanne,
don't speak to me alone.

Not when I just finished the
school buses five days early.

Mr. Conner
wants you to stay,

and yet I want you
to leave.

Whatever
will you do?

Oh, what?

Okay, Becky and Mark,

they're having
all these sex problems,

but after you talk to Mark,
then you fill me in.

I just remembered somethin' that I
have to deal with that isn't this.

No, come on.
Now, this is serious

because this could
split Becky and Mark up,

and you know
how our daughters are-

they dump 'em, and then
we're forced to raise 'em.

Why don't you talk
to Becky?

Because Becky isn't
the one havin' the problem.

Mark's the one
that won't put out.

Whoa.

Boy, am I swamped with
the noises in my head.

Come on, Dan,
this is serious.

He's gotta talk
to another man.

No way.

Men don't talk to each other
about this kind of stuff.

I thought you and Mark were
supposed to be good friends.

We are friends.

You men. You say you have
these great friendships,

but all you really have
is just another hairy person

to eat chips and itch with.

What could be better?

You have to do it, Dan.

You have to do it
to help Becky.

No. I helped my daughter
learn to walk.

I helped my daughter
learn how to ride a bike.

I helped my daughter
with her homework.

But I refuse to help
my daughter get some.

I'm tellin' you,
he could take him.

You kiddin'? Never.
He could never take Tyson.

I got to go with Bob on this
one. He looked pretty old.

I'm not talkin'
about the Rocky in Rocky .

I'm talkin' about
the Rocky in Rocky .

You know,
the real Rocky.

All right, I'll tell you

who Rocky definitely
couldn't take: Terminator.

Oh, that's a completely
different thing.

The Terminator guy,
he's not even real.

You know what, you guys?

You ever think
we spend too much time

talking about sports
and stuff?

We never talk
about our relationships.

Well...

I'll tell you somethin'
about my wife.

She could take Tyson
and the Terminator.

Hey, Dan, I'm serious. Maybe
we should open up a little.

It wouldn't hurt us to talk about
personal things that really matter.

Well, I gotta
go to the can.

Can't get much more
personal than that.

Hey, this is nuts, guys.

I mean, we're all married.

We've all
got marital issues.

Fred-

Like money and love... and sex.

Fred, did Roseanne
get ahold of you?

Now, take me and Jackie,
for instance.

When we first got married,

we had a lot of sex.

Then we went
through a period

where we hardly had
any sex at all.

Oh, dear God.

Maybe you're the only
one of you not having sex.

What's that
supposed to mean?

I mean maybe Jackie put
some more men on the job.

Okay.
I gave it a sh*t.

Let's just drop it.

Uh, hit a little bit
too close to home, huh?

Not my home.

It's not my wife who said
she's not gettin' any.

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

I know what hasn't been goin'
on between you and Becky.

I told Roseanne we
shouldn't talk about this.

I mean-

Just screw
the both of youse.

Dan.

God, Fred, what
were you thinking?

I was tryin' to help.

The guy's
obviously in pain.

Well, he's
in a lot more now.

Mark, stop
punchin' that truck!

How did Roseanne get you
to talk to him?

I think she might
be right about this.

Maybe guys
should talk more

about
this kind of stuff.

Wrong! We're guys.

When we talk about sex,

there should be bragging,
dirty jokes,

and the occasional limerick.
That's it.

But women discuss everything,
and they live longer.

No, they don't live longer.

We die sooner from boredom

from listenin'
to their discussions.

I just think if we could talk
about more intimate stuff

the way that women do,
it would make us feel good.

Like, I gotta try
to talk to Mark again.

Fred, haven't you
been listenin' to me?

Why don't you
just stop and think?

Dan, look, if Mark's havin' a
little bit of trouble in the sack,

maybe he could
use some advice

from a guy who's got
a pretty good track record

in that department.

Kinda counts you out,
doesn't it?

Excuse me?

Come on, Fred,
we're communicating.

Doesn't that make you
feel just great?

Apparently,
it's not as great

as Roseanne's toes
make you feel.

Well, all I know is,

you're gonna flunk marriage
is you can't pass the oral.

Oh, my God.

Oh, we know too much,

we know too much,
we know too much.

Dan.
Fred.

There is no graceful
way out of this,

so let's just...

...look at our feet
and walk away.

Get out and date.

I told you, Mrs. Conner,
I'm not ready.

Well, I don't care
if you are. I am.

So I went
through your yearbook,

and I circled all the girls
that looked desperate.

You circled
all the cafeteria ladies.

Well, try to ignore
the hairnets.

Guess... what...
happened... today.

Everyone...
talked... real... slow.

How dare you!

Because I felt like it,
that's why!

You know what I'm
talkin' about?

No, but I
don't like your tone!

I'm talkin' about you
tellin' Jackie about-

...the other night.

That?

Yes, that!

What goes on in our bedroom is sacred.

Oh, yeah. That's from
the Old Testament, right?

A toe for a toe.

Shut up with that!

Now... thanks to you,

Mark and Fred and I now
know stuff about each other

that no guy should ever
know about another guy.

And what's worse, we
all know that we know.

Well, it's not easy
being a woman, is it, Dan?

You just don't get it,
do you?

It's gonna take years of us
guys not talkin' to each other

to get back
to where we were.

Why don't you all
just cut your tongues out?

We all know that Fred
doesn't need his.

That's it. I can play this
little game, too, Roseanne.

How would you like it if I told
everyone our personal stuff?

What
if I told everybody

that you're not too
interested in sex lately?

Well, yeah, why don't you
go tell everybody

that your wife turns you on
all the time for sex?

That'd really embarrass me.

This sucks.

Fine, Mark,
you drive off!

You jerk!

I can't believe
Aunt Jackie.

I confided
a huge secret to her,

and then she went
and told Fred.

Now Mark
is madder than ever.

I know. We all know.

What?

Well, your aunt Jackie
is a huge blabbermouth,

and she tells everybody
everything!

You should hear what she
told about your father!

Roseanne!

This is great. So...

everyone knows that my
husband finds me repulsive.

Oh, Becky,
nobody thinks that.

Just leave me
alone.

Well,
I hope you're happy.

You just managed to make
everyone's life worse.

Yes,
and I'm exhausted!

I could use
a little help next time!

Hi. I brought you up
some dinner.

Everybody was
real hungry, though,

so it's mostly just peas.

I don't want any.

Becky, remember when you
were a little girl

and, um,
I used to come up here

and sit on the bed
with you

and I used to
brush your hair

and you'd tell me
about all the stuff

that happened to you
that day in school?

We never did that.

Well,
I always wanted to.

Mom,
I should be studying.

You know, Becky, this problem
that you and Mark are having-

Mom, I'm really not comfortable
talking about this with you.

Well, why not? We're two
married, mature women,

and I think that we can
talk about, you know... it.

Mom...

It's one of the great things
about being women, you know?

We can talk intimately

in a way that men can't.
You know...

sober.

Mom, I'm pretty sure I know
what Mark's problem is.

He's feeling like I'm
moving away from him

because I'm going
to school and he's not.

Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.

That's-
That's really good.

I know
this is not my fault.

I mean, Mark's
just feeling insecure,

and he needs
to work it out.

Well-
Well, that's great.

See? See?

This kind of girl talk
can really help a lot.

Well, I got most
of that stuff from David.

You girl-talked with David?

Talkin' to David made me
feel a lot better.

I bet it made you feel
a lot taller, too.

You ready to go?

Where you goin'?

Just to talk.
David's really sweet.

Well, I'm sweet. How come
nobody ever talks to me?

We're just gonna go
have some coffee.

David is not
ready for coffee.

Yeah, I think I am.

Don't you think you should be
having coffee with your own husband?

Mark doesn't
want any.

Hey, if Mark's not
interested in having coffee,

then I'll have
coffee with her.

Well, I had to hear it
again from Dan last night.

I don't cuddle enough.

Oh, man! Cuddling?

I hate it.

I work hard all day.

I come home...
I want my dinner...

...little
zip-a-dee-doo-dah...

...slap him on the ass,
I'm out like a light.

I always take a couple
extra minutes with Dan,

you know,
to finish him off.

Otherwise, I have to lay
there and listen to him gripe.

Daaahhh!

Fred. I really feel bad

about what happened at
the garage the other day.

I know. I really
hurt you, Mark.

I wanted to call you,

but I just didn't
feel like I could.

You can call me, Fred,
anytime. You know that.

Even if
it's just to talk.

Well, you see, Mark, we don't
always get that from you.

I mean, sometimes
you seem so...

distant.

I know, and I-
I don't mean to be.

Oh, this
is delicious, Dan.

Yeah, but
how many calories?

Oh, like you
should worry.

Hey, now, I got
my problem areas.

Oh, please! I would trade my waistline

for your thighs
any day.

Why don't you roosters
give it a rest, huh?

There'll be plenty to
gossip about tomorrow.

Roseanne, please.

And while, uh, we're on
the subject there, cupcake,

I think you could
do without that pudding.

Why must you always embarrass
me in front of my friends?!