07x05 - Sleeper

[bunniefuu]

** [harmonica]

Hey?
What?

I gotta talk to ya.

Oh, come on.
I had a rough night.

I can't talk right now.

Well, I can see why
you'd be tired,

being out with
my wife all night.

We went out for coffee.

Well, I don't want her
spending so much time with you.

I mean, she sees you
writing poems and reading books,

then she expects me to be
some kind of freak, too.

Mark, she does not
expect you to read.

Oh, yeah? Then why
is she asking me

what I'm thinking about
every five minutes?

Like I'm thinking
all the time.

I'm sorry. Are you guys
having problems?

No, it's...

I don't know. It's just
we used to talk a lot,

and lately, it's as if
we got nothing left to say
to each other.

Wow.

Well, what did you
used to talk about?

I don't know. Uh...

"What kind of car
do you drive?" Uh...

"What's your middle name?"

That's okay, Mark.

Yeah, but if I keep asking her
what her middle name is

she's gonna think
I'm some kind of idiot.

You know, Mark,

any relationship
goes through phases,

and only by talking
about your feeling
with each other

can you ever get
to the next level.

So you're the one
she got that crap from.

[Dan]
Mark! David!
I need a hand!

Water pipe burst
and the basement's flooded.

Mark, go get my wrench.

D.J., David's staying
with you tonight.

No way! Darlene doesn't
have to sleep with him!

How come I do?

Good. You can
stay in the basement.

You'll finally
get some use out of
those webbed toes of yours.

David, you better
get down there

and get the rest
of your stuff out.

You should have to move
into the garage.

You're not really
a member of this
family anyway.

Young man, I don't ever
want to hear you talking
like that again.

If he moves into the garage,
I might have to move my tools.

You better pray
I fall asleep
before you do.

You want me to help you
get your stuff
from downstairs?

I'll do it later.

Something wrong?

[sighs]
I don't know.

Maybe I just need
to get away from this house.

Oh, that.
That's just a phase.

You won't get over it.

You wanna talk about it?

[sighs]
No, I can't tell you
about people.

It's much too disgusting.

You'd think I was
a total creep.

Oh, come on, David.
We're friends.

I mean, if something's
upsetting you,
you can tell me.

Last night
after we got back,

I had a dream and it
kinda disturbed me.

You mean like
a nightmare?

No, it was more like a...

an adult dream.

You mean about Darlene?

No, not Darlene.

Oh.

Oh, wow.
Yeah.

I feel really uncomfortable
talking to you about this.

David, I mean, it's not
like you did anything.

In a way,
it's kinda flattering.

What the hell you doing
holding my wife's hand?

Hand? No. No hands.

She was just making me
feel better.

Why don't you just
ask her for a lap dance?

Could you possibly
be more boorish?

Well, I am sorry
I'm boring you, Becky.

What the hell are you doing
holding his hand?

Like you care.

She loves you so much.

** [theme]

[laughs]

What time is it?

It's about... : .

You want some toast?

We're late.

Leon's gonna
blow a gasket.

How about some
blueberry pancakes?

From scratch?
I'll get the bowl.

As soon as
I finish my coffee,

I'll go to the store
and get the blueberries.

You're sleeping
on the floor again tonight.

That's not fair, D.J.

You know what?
I don't care!

Mrs. Connor,
help me out here.

Aren't we supposed
to rotate who gets the bed

and who has
to sleep on the floor?

That' right, D.J.,
just like your
Dad and I do.

This sucks. I'm always
the one stuck with David.

Well, fair is fair, D.J.

We wrote your name
on a whole bunch of
pieces of paper,

we put them in a hat.

And when we
drew one out,

it said your name on it.

Come on, D.J.
Having a roommate
can be great.

The years I spent
growing up in

the same room
with your mom

are the happiest
memories of my life.

Sybil, can you have
Jackie come out now?

I hate the way you...
chew your food!

It's all right. I won't be
staying here much longer.

I, uh, I made a decision.

I'm gonna move
out of the house.

What a coincidence.
I made a decision, too.

No, you're not!

I've been thinking about
getting my own apartment.

I just think it's time.

Well, time is
a funny thing, David,

and it passes
very slowly

when you're pinned
under Mr. Connor's
massive frame,

right, Dan?

Dan hurt David.

Wait a second, David.

You can't move out
just 'cause of
the other day.

Well, I can't live here
with things the way they are.

What do you mean
"the way they are"?

It's nothing, Mother.

Dan! Becky knows something
that I don't know.

Becky, you can't
know something your
mother doesn't know!

I don't think David
wants you to find out.

That's ridiculous.

If he has something
he doesn't want me
to find out about,

then he should not
be discussing it with
anyone on my planet.

It's not a big deal.

David is just feeling weird
'cause he had this big dream

about me and him,
you know... together.

And the two of you
were being chased
by a bear?

No, Dan. My guess is...
they were having sex.

Oh, God.

I should have known
you couldn't deal with this.

I will handle it.
Just leave it alone.

Man, oh, man.

David and Becky.

We got us a problem
here, Roseanne.

Yeah. What if Mark won't
bow out gracefully?

He's fantasizing about
his brother's wife,
for God's sake.

Calm down.

It's not like he ate
the last piece of pie
or nothing.

This is serious.

If he's dreaming it,
he's gonna try
and make it happen.

Oh, right.
That reminds me,

I better get down
to the supermarket

so I can
walk around naked.

Look, he's a horny
teenage boy.

If he wants to move out
of the house,

I think we should let him,
just to be safe.

We cannot control
our kid's dreams, Dan.

We can only make sure
they don't come true.

[Jackie]
Uh, can I say
something?

A dream like this
can be interpreted in
so many different ways.

We don't know
what kind of sex it was.

We don't know where
the sex took place.

How many people
were involved.

My point is that
sex dreams are
rarely about sex.

Quite often they are
merely a yearning
for affection.

David could be longing
for a puppy.

Or...a kind word.

But in the dream state,
this desire

takes the form of, well,
intercourse with Becky.

Look, Jackie,

you made
a brand-new vein

stand out on
Dan's head.

We're not done
talking about this.

Man, I saw this coming.

All these unrelated kids
under one roof.

It's an abomination.

We're breaking, like,
Commandments.

Well, that would explain
the flood in the basement.

[football game
playing on TV]

Why are you always
following me?

What?

You know, you're in
my room all night.

Now you have to follow me
around all day, too?

What are you
talking about?
I was here first.

No, I was here first.
You were not.

I've been here since
when I was born.

Both of you...
shut up.

Why do you have
to sit so close?

I'm not.

You're always
hanging around me.

Are you in love with me
like you are with Becky?

Shut up.

What are you guys
talking about?

I heard Becky telling
Mom and Dad

that David had
a sex dream about her.

What?
No.

Listen, man this is
not what you think.

That's bull.
You wanna sleep
with my wife.

Lay him. I want
my room back.

Get up.

I've been
working out you know.

Fight! Fight!

What's going on?

Mark's k*lling David.
Oh, God!

What are you dreaming
about my wife?
Nothing!

What are you dreaming
about Becky?

So Darlene dumped you
and you thought you could

take a crack at
my wife, is that it?

No! No!

Then what are you
dreaming about her for?

I'm not!
Liar!

Look, I didn't have
a sex dream Becky, okay?

I didn't!

I had a dream
about Mrs. Connor.

[D.J.]
Now can we put him
back in the basement?

Eating food at
the grocery store
is stealing.

I don't care
what you say.

It is never
considered stealing

when an unborn child
has a craving.

How does an unborn child
have a craving
for Twinkies?

Well, you know
how kids are.

They're easily swayed
by advertising.

Look at this.
He is serious
about moving out.

Look, David circled
apartment ads.

So what? That could be
any of my kids...or Dan.

If you want,

I could talk to the boy
about his Becky dreams.

I think this really
ought to be handled

with a little bit
of sensitivity.

David, I was just
thinking about you.

Well...

I wasn't thinking
about you, I swear.

Be gentle with him.
I know!

Look, David, I don't
want to make you feel
uncomfortable,

but you know,
I want you to know

that we are, like,
totally okay
with this dream.

Oh, I'm uncomfortable.

I'm very uncomfortable now.

Maybe I can help.

David, what Mrs. Connor
is trying to say

is that that this dream
does not bother her at all.

Really?

So you're not mad?

Makes perfect sense.

You see her all day,
you smell her perfume,

you brush up against her
in the halls.

Bound to happen
sooner or later.

I thought you'd be disgusted.

No.

You're a perfectly
healthy adolescent boy.

Don't think you're
the only kid

that's had these
kind of thoughts.

Why do you think all of
D.J.'s little friends

always wanna
sleep over?

It's a part of life, David.

I mean you're
a good-looking kid.

She may have
dreams about you.

Sure.

What's going on?

Okay. I feel a lot better.
I can go now.

Oh, we just
wanna tell David

that we're all okay
with his dream,
right, Dan?

Well,
if you say so.

I mean, the only
important thing

is that you're,
you know,

not considering acting
on your impulses.

I would never.

Ever...ever.

I mean we are talking
about a married woman here.

Jackie, Roseanne,
can I see you
in the kitchen?

Why, did you get
your water dish stuck
under the stove again?

[Dan laughs]

[whispering]

No, I think it's good
that you talk
about things,

'cause, uh...

a lot of guys might
have kept something
like that to themselves.

Rosie, you okay?

No, I'm not okay.
This is horrible.

What are we gonna do?

What choice do we have?

You gotta
give yourself to him.

It's not funny, Dan.

How am I gonna go
out there and face him

when I know
he's probably...

picturing me in
my Terrycloth robe?

Just ignore him.

Then he'll think
I'm playing hard to get.

Come on, Roseanne,
it's just a stupid dream.

When you thought he was
dreaming about Becky,
it was no big deal.

Yeah, 'cause there's
no threat with Becky.

She's happily
married woman.

Okay, okay, if this is
such a problem for you,

maybe David
should move out.

Where could he go?

The only place
that'd take him in

would put him to
sleep in days.

You're overreacting.

It's perfectly normal
for a teenage boy

to have sex dreams
about his girlfriend's
mother.

I mean, even Mark
might have--

Hey! You finish that sentence,
I'll rip your heart out.

Someone's sensitive.

Well, how come when
you thought it was about Becky
you were so upset,

and then when it
turns out to be about me
you think it's so funny?

Okay, I'm gonna
tell you something,

and I want you
to keep in mind

the reason
I'm telling you this

is to show how normal
David is

and not that I'm some
sort of...freak.

What? What is it?

Well, first,
you gotta promise

that you won't
make fun of me
or get all weird.

Okay. I swear on the thing
dearest to both of our hearts:

that expensive
smoked cheese log

we got hidden in the fridge
'til the kids move out.

Okay.

When we were dating,

I had a dream,
a very short one,
about your mother.

Uggh!

That's disgusting, Dan!

How could you compare
the beautiful thing
David and I have to that?

Roseanne, you can't
go and tell anyone
about this.

I'm not gonna
tell anybody.

So this is just like
all teenage boys

have these kind of dreams about
their girlfriend's mothers?

Girlfriend's mothers,
their mother's friends,

their friend's
girlfriends,

all the girls
on the block,

all the girls on TV...

all the rest of 'em.

Men are so sick.

Oh, come on.
Don't women dream about
their boyfriend's fathers?

No, Dan.

Unlike men, women do not
have to be disgusted

to get excited.

No, David, you're not
dreaming,

I'm really here.

Mrs. Connor, listen,

I really want
to apologize to you.

You have to know that
I would never think of
anything like that--

David!
The whole idea
is just so gross.

Okay, stop, right now.

That was just a dream
which you could
not control,

unlike what you are
saying to me now.

I'm sorry. I don't know
what I'm saying.

I'm the worst person
in the world.

I don't know what's
wrong with me.

I'm--I'm sick.

No, you're not sick, David,
you're a normal teenage boy.

But I can understand
how you get the two confused.

No, this is not normal.

Yes, it is.

A lot of, you know, guys
fantasize about older women

that are, you know...
really hot.

Where'd you hear that?

[chuckles]

Well, you gotta promise
not to tell.

Uh...

Well, I--I saw it on Oprah.

Really?
Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah, they had
this guy on there.

You know, big guy,
a real, kind of...

macho, blue-collar
type of guy, you know.

Not much to look at.
But, uh...

For some reason,
he had this incredibly
gorgeous wife, you know?

And he said that he had
these dreams about her mother,

and her mother
was a big old hag.

But see,
this is different.

How?

Because that guys was talking
about his girlfriend's mother,

and I just--I don't
think of you that way anymore.

You don't?
No.

I mean,
I think of you as--
What?

I kinda think of you
as, you know...my own mother.

Oh, you do?

Well, yeah.
I've lived here,
what, years,

and you've taken
better care of me
than my own mother ever did.

David, I think it's
great that you think
of me as your mother.

No. See?

It just makes this
whole dream thing
much, much worse.

No. No, it doesn't, David.

'Cause you know...

uh, sex dreams,

they're really rarely ever
about sex anyway, you know?

Maybe you're just
feeling like you want a puppy.

Where did you get that?

Uh...

from the Oprah show.

You know--Well, they had
this woman on the panel,
right next to that big guy--

You know, this kinda
skinny expert type.

Reminded me of
Barney Fife, actually.

Uh, and she said that,
you know, sex dreams
are really not about sex,

they're just about
yearning for, uh, affection.

Really?
Yeah.

And you think
she knew what she was
talking about?

Well, she was
an expert, David.

Mrs. Connor,

I can't tell you how much
better that makes me feel.

Well, that's good.
That's great.

Okay, so--
Can I have a hug now or...

What, I gotta
get you drunk first?

I'm so glad that you think
about me as your mother, David.

Well, I really do,
Mrs. Connor.

Do you want me to start
calling you Mom?

No.

I'd like the other kids
to start calling me Mrs. Conner.

And I'd like you to start
calling me Pickles.

I told you when you moved in
you were gonna have
trouble with the pipes.

Yeah, and years
later,
it happens.

Eerie.

Hi, Becky.

Hey, Grandma. Hey, Mom.
IS David around?

Uh, Becky,
hold on a sec.

Uh...Mom.

Uh, D.J. made you
the cutest little
ashtray upstairs.

You really should go
up there and take
a look at it.

I don't smoke!
I know that,
but he does.

Why don't you go up
there and take a look
at the ashtray.

Okay, Roseanne,
I'll play along.

I will now leave
you and Becky alone

as I go to D.J.'s room
to look at the ashtray.

I have such fun in your
little kingdom of make-believe.

What's going on?

Well, I talked to David
about his dream.

I knew it!

You always have to
butt in on things that
aren't about you.

This is between
him and me.

The dream was about me.

It was?

Yeah, it seems that
I'm what all the teenage boys

are into this year.

Oh.

I guess it was
pretty silly of me

to think that it could
have possibly been about me.

Well, don't feel bad, Becky.

Someday you'll fill out, too,

and then all the boys
will want you.

Just shut up,
Mother.

Is there something going on
between you and David?

No, there's nothing
going on--

I'll put it
a different way.

Would you like there to be?

I don't know.
I mean, I didn't until--

Well, he had that
dream about me--

Or I thought he did.

And now I feel kinda...

I don't know.

Does anything in
the "stupid" category
come to mind?

Look, I don't need your
help with this, Mother.

I can deal with this
myself.

Deal with what yourself?
Nothing.

Forget it. I didn't want
to know anyway.

Okay, she's gone.
You can tell me.

No, Dan, she trusted me
with something private.

I thought you would
appreciate the fact that
I can keep a confidence.

I saw Becky
leave the kitchen.

So I suppose I'm done
looking at the ashtray.

Mother Harris.

Oh, Dan.

I know you've been doing
some plumbing around here,

and I was thinking
while you're still in
the monkey-wrench mood,

you might
come by tomorrow

and put in my new
garbage disposal.

Okay, Bev,
I can do that.

Oh, wonderful.
Then it's a date.

I'll see you tomorrow.

And after you're done
with the disposal,

I was thinking you and I
could have some sex.