07x16 - Sisters

[bunniefuu]

[doorbell]

I'll be there
in a second.

Why do people
always interrupt us

whenever we start
to fool around?

Well, it's all part
of my plot, Fred.

I am trying to die
without ever having
another orgasm.

[doorbell]

Well, look who's up
before the cartoons.

Is the baby up yet?

Up, shaved, showered,
and gone to work.

He's in the nursery.

That kid is always here.

Well, he likes his cousin.

He should be playing
with his friends.

Every day that kid
comes over here,

and every day
he's a little stranger

than the day before.

You know, you were gonna
talk to Roseanne

about him coming
over here all the time.

Hey, you guys,
look what I did!

Oh!

[laughing nervously]
Look at that, Fred.

Oh, what a clever boy.

He's got our only child
in a cooking pot.

Just let me have my pot.

Um, can I have that box?

Why?

Well, 'cause this kid
at school

taught me
to eat cardboard.

Wanna see? I can eat
the whole box in an hour.

D.J., if you're hungry,
just go in the kitchen

and get some of those
rice cakes in there.

They taste
just like cardboard

and they won't
bind you up so bad.

Okay.

I think there's something
really wrong with that kid.

I can't keep him
from coming here

without hurting Roseanne.

Oh, yeah.

At least you got
your priorities straight.

After all, Roseanne
is the father of your child.

Oh, Fred, fine.

If you're gonna make
a federal case out of it,

I will talk to her.

Let me just think
of a very gentle way

of telling Roseanne
that you hate her son.

I don't hate him.

I just think
he's a little weird.

Why do you have to
think of it that way?

I don't know why
you can't appreciate him

the way my family
always has.

You have a headache, D.J.?

Heh, not yet.

[laughing]

[mumbling]
Where you going?

Mark's out of town
and Darlene is coming home.

It's the perfect time for me
to visit Aunt Jackie.

It's your mother's
birthday Sunday.

You're not
going anywhere.

Goodbye.

Sit down, Becky.

Now, look...

your mom doesn't want much
for her birthday.

A new pair of shoes,
dinner in a nice restaurant,

daughters who get along.

Let's be honest;
the first two
are a pipe-dream.

Dad, you can't make up
with someone

who has no feelings.

Darlene is like a machine.

That's not true at all.
Machines can't hate.

Look, I meant
what I told her.

I think she's
a cold-hearted brat

who doesn't care
about anyone but herself.

Look, I probably
shouldn't tell you this...

but when I was talking
to Darlene

about coming home
this weekend,

she was actually crying.

She thinks you hate her.

Really?

Darlene was crying?

And not just a little.

Remember that time
when she was ten

and we told her that
she wasn't adopted?

Like that.

Wow. I didn't know.

Hey, Dad, is the box
the refrigerator came in

still in the garage?

D.J., do me a favor
and don't eat
the refrigerator box.

And why don't you go
upstairs and unpack.

Okay.

What's that suitcase
made out of?

Go.

Why can't I eat the box
the refrigerator came in?

Because eating cardboard
can ruin your life.

You could end up
in the street,

living in a box.

Then you'll eat the box
and you'll be homeless.

I'm home.

Oh, Dad,
I just feel so bad.

It's okay, little girl.
We'll get through it.

I just couldn't believe it
when I got your message.

How did Nana Mary die?

Oh, it was...
just something fatal.

I'm just so glad
you're home.

Dad, well,
of course I'm home.

I mean, what do you
think of me?

Oh, well, I didn't know.

I mean, you wouldn't come home
for your mom's birthday

'cause you were
so mad at Becky.

Yeah, but this is, like,
a whole different thing.

I mean, my great-grandmother
is dead.

Darlene, I've got
some happy news.

Nana Mary's alive!

What?

She's not even sick.
Isn't that great?

Wait...

I can't believe
that you faked

my great-grandmother's death
just to get me home.

That's horrible.

That's disgusting.

That's like something
Mom would do.

Yeah, thanks.

Actually,
I kinda thought of it

as a present for her.

Look, Darlene,
it's good to have you home.

No matter what I said
to you before,

I'm still
your big sister.

Actually, Becky,
I think of you

more as a big cyst.

You told me
she came home
to make up.

Oh, I did.

I came home to make up
a list of losers.

Let's see, there's you
and your husband and--

Well, that's it.

That's enough.
Both of you.

Now, I want you two
to make up and get along.

[scoffs]
Forget this.

I'm not staying here
if no one's dead.

And brain-dead
doesn't count.

You're not
going anywhere.

Now look, I can't make
you two guys really like
each other,

but it's your
mom's birthday

and I can damn sure
make you fake it for her.

Oh, this is insane.

Yeah, maybe so,
but get your coats on.

We have a little show
to put on for your mother.

Fine.

Bitch.
Skag.

Nice hair.
Nice life.

Go to hell.
Go to the mall.

We can rehearse more
in the car.

I'm going out for about
an hour, Roseanne.

Can I pick up anything?

Yeah, uh...

a hitch-hiker with an ax.

I have been handling
all the tables all day.

What have you been doing?

Well, somebody has to sit here
and handle all the complaints

about the slow service.

Hey, honey...

look who came home
to celebrate your birthday.

Oh, isn't that great?

How did you keep 'em
from fighting on the way over?

You used that old trick
where you put one

in the front seat
and one in the trunk.

Fighting? Oh, no,
not these two angels.

Watch this, honey.

Becky, don't you have
something to say to Darlene?

I love you.

Darlene, don't you have
something say to Becky?

I love you more.

That is so wonderful, Dan.

You've gotten
our two daughters stoned.

Nope, just sat 'em down

and gave 'em
a good talking-to.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna hurry.

The Lobo's only open
for another seven hours.

I'm not buying it, you guys.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie
look more in love than you.

Well, that's it.

You can stop pretending
that you don't hate me.

Well, it's not that
I hate you, Becky.

I just hate
all vegetables.

You're the vegetarian.

Eat me.

Okay, so that's enough.

Now, we have a wonderful,
loving family,

and you two little b*tches
are not gonna ruin it.

You're gonna be
loving, caring sisters

just like me and Jackie.

Fine.

I'll sleep
with every guy in town

and you can gain
pounds.

You know, Roseanne,
that reminds me.

Could you, um, tell D.J.

to stop hanging around
my place so much?

Why?

Well, the baby
could catch something.

D.J. must pick up
a lot of germs at school.

Germs can't live on D.J.;
the lice eat 'em right up.

No, I'm serious.

Just tell him
not to come by.

What's going on, Jackie?

Nothing.

[stuttering]

It's just D.J. sometimes
gets on my nerves.

Yeah? So?

He gets on my nerves too.

That's why I send him
over to your house.

Well, he has been doing
some odd things lately

and I would just like
if you kept him away.

Yeah, could you keep him
away from me too?

Don't get me wrong.
I like D.J.

I just like him more
when I'm not around him.

Hey, you like him
more than I do.

So, what? You don't like
your little nephew?

Just because you didn't
meet him in a bar

doesn't mean that
he's not a good guy.

What are you getting
so defensive about?

You did just call her son
a mentally defective freak.

I said he was annoying.

And now you're
harping on it.

Don't worry about it,
Jackie.

You won't ever
have to see D.J. again.

Roseanne!
No!

I'm not taking
the chance

that you could hurt
his feelings.

It's gonna be bad enough
when I tell him

all the terrible things
you've said.

Okay, fine.
Just--

I give up.
I never meant
to hurt D.J.

You think your kid's
so great.

At least my kid doesn't
crap in his pants.

You know, Leon...

uh, I'd be happy
to drop that off
at the bank for you

and, you know,
you can close up.

[snickers]
Right.

That's just
what I should do,

give Roseanne's daughter
all the money

to the restaurant.

And then later,
I'll ask your mother

if she'll guard
my pork for me.

Hey, Darlene.

Hey.

Do you mind if I sit here?

I don't know.

It might be a little easier
for me to ignore you

if you stayed over there.

Uh, listen, last time
you were home,

I said some things
that were kind of harsh

about how you and I
never connected.

That's okay, David.

I mean, I kind of
agreed with you.

Oh, really?

Well, still, I might have
gone a little overboard

when I called you
cold and mean.

Don't worry about it, David.

Let's face it,
our relationship

was a bit of a joke.

I don't know
if I would go that far.

It's not like
we ever really talked

or opened up or anything.

God knows the sex
was pretty pathetic, huh?

I held back a lot
'cause I didn't want

to intimidate you.

God, when I think of how hot
the sex is with Jimmy,

it really makes me laugh.

Gotta go.

I'll see you later, okay?

Listen, Darlene,
I really am glad

that you've found somebody
that you can get close to.

Oh, hey.
Hi.

I thought you left already.

No, I just stayed
to cut some onions

and I just started thinking
about all the people

that don't have onions.

Oh, come on, Jackie,
Mom's gonna forgive you

for calling D.J. weird.

Hell, she forgave me
for writing

"Please point at me
and scream"

in permanent Magic Marker
on his forehead.

There's no way
you can help me.

Yeah, that's right.
I can't help you.

I'd be a terrible person
for anyone to confide in.

What?

Well, I'm a cold
and unfeeling person

who can't get close
to anybody.

Darlene, that's not
what I'm saying.

Oh, yeah, right.
Darlene, what--

What to you mean you can't
get close to anybody?

You've been seeing Jimmy
for months.

Yeah, we broke up.

Oh.

Yeah, I lied.

He dumped me.

Apparently, he couldn't
get close to me either.

Well...

did you ever have a dog?

Yeah, thanks, Aunt Jackie.

Darlene, I was crying
because I lied

to your mother about D.J.

What?
Yes.

'Cause I do like D.J.
[sobs]

Yeah, I mean,
that would upset me too.

It's Fred who thinks
that D.J. is weird.

Wait, so then
why are you taking
the blame for Fred?

Because Fred
and your mother
both want to be

the most important
person in my life.

If your mother knew
that Fred wanted this,

then she would want me
to choose her over him.

Oh.
And now she hates me.

And I hate it
when she hates me.

Uh, sorry.

So...

do you feel better
that I confided in you?

Yeah, I do.

[sniveling]

'Cause I feel better too.

[sobbing]

Uh, would you stop
if I gave you a hug?

I--
[whimpers]

See, you're--you're
very good at this.

I'm sorry, I know.
I'd better hurry up.

Dinner out
with Jackie and Fred.

Where's my fancy
eatin'-pants.

No, we're not going
to go out with those two.

I just had a big fight
with Jackie

about D.J. being weird.

Which side did you take?

Which side do you think?

You said he wasn't?

D.J. is not weird, Dan.

He's just marching
to the beat

of a weird drummer.

She thinks that he's so weird
that she doesn't even want him

around her house anymore.

My God, this is serious,
Roseanne.

We gotta do something.

I know, he won't go around
her house anymore.

[sighs]
D.J., come down here!

Well, fine, then you sit
your teenage son down here

and you tell him
that his aunt

just doesn't want him
around anymore.

And while you're at it,
why don't you just tell him

that there's no such thing
as Santa Claus.

Yeah?

Sit down, son.

Listen, Deej...

we think you should
spend more time here

and less at Jackie's.

How come?

Well, because
your Aunt Jackie's
been real busy lately

cooking, cleaning,
and hating the innocent.

Doesn't Aunt Jackie
want me to come over?

Oh, well...

sometimes grown-ups,
like your Aunt Jackie--

We just miss you
around here!

What do you want to go
over there for anyway?

Well, I have to go
over there.

Why?

Well, you see,
Becky and Darlene
are sisters,

and Mom and Aunt Jackie
are sisters,

and Mark and David
are brothers,

and Mom's new baby
is gonna be a girl,

so I'm the only one
who can be Andy's brother.

He needs me.

Oh.

Well, go on,
big guy,

why don't you just take
Tiny Tim's crutch

and beat him
over the head with it?

No, I'm gonna go find
the other kids

and tell 'em
D.J.'s my favorite.

Doesn't Aunt Jackie
like me anymore?

Yeah, of course
she likes you;
she likes you a lot.

In fact, she's worried
that Andy might even

get jealous about it.

So next time you're there
playing with Andy,

if Aunt Jackie tells you that
you're hanging around too much,

just play along with it.

You know,
tell her to shut up
and then wink at her.

Okay.

Mom, you shouldn't
have told D.J.

he could play
with Andy.

Well, Jackie's just
being a big idiot.

Andy's not gonna get hurt.

D.J.'s way past
the "let's cut it open

and see how it works" phase.

Well, it's not
Aunt Jackie's fault.

She doesn't mind D.J.

What are you talking about?

Well, Jackie told me
that it's Fred

that doesn't want
D.J. around.

She's just going
along with him.

She is dead.

So what, you're gonna
go over there

and yell at her for taking
Fred's side over yours?

No, I'm gonna
yell at her
for lying to me.

Bull.

For the first time
in her life,

Jackie's putting Fred
before you

and you can't stand that.

You think she should
always put you

before her own husband.

I do not.

I wouldn't even think
anything like that.

Actually, Mom,
Darlene's right.

I mean, you always want me
to put you in front of Mark.

That is not true.

What I said was, we should
put Mark in front of a bus.

Mark getting hit by a bus?

Doesn't she have
any feelings?

Doesn't she realize
how many people

would be late for work?

Fine, Darlene.

I'm sorry I tried to help you.

Wait.

Um...

Never mind.
Keep going.

Wait.

[stuttering]
Uh, I--

I just wanna say...

Never mind.

Wait.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, well, there's--

there's this question
that's been bothering me.

Okay, if me and Fred
were in a terrible accident

and we both needed
a kidney,

and you had
the kidney to give,

where would you want
Fred buried?

Did Darlene talk to you?

Yes.

I can't believe
that you really think

that I would expect to be
more important to you

than your own husband;
I'd never do that.

Roseanne, you wanted to stand
between us at the altar.

That was a joke!

I know you have to put
your husband before me.

I don't like it,
but I accept it.

All right, thanks.

[groaning]

All right, come on.
We're all right.

Cheer up.

Hey, hey,
Mom's got a mole

that changed colors
twice this week.

It's not us
that I'm worried about.

I'm worried
about me and Fred.

Why? What do you mean?

Whenever I have to choose
between you and Fred,

I always wanna
choose you.

That's terrible.

It is terrible, Roseanne.

Fred thinks that I always
put you before him
and he's right.

What does that say
about my marriage?

I know you always
put Dan first.

That's not true, Jackie.
I'm just as bad as you.

I put me first, too.

I'm in big trouble,
Roseanne.

Fred thinks that he should be
the most important person

in the world to me and,
until I can give him that,

things aren't going
to be okay between us.

[door opens]

Hey, Roseanne.

You're parked in my spot.

Hi, Fred.

I suppose you want me
to move it for him.

Right, Jackie?
What?

Of course I'll move
my car for him.

And I'll keep my kid
out of here for him.

Anything else I can do
for him, Jackie?

Well, Roseanne,
I have to put him first.

He is my husband.

But Jackie--
No, no.

I took vows.

Thanks, Jackie.

Roseanne, I'm sorry,
but this was bound to happen.

I know.

But you've gotta
understand, Fred,

she's not just my sister,
she's my best friend.

This hurts.

Oh, gee...

Man, I didn't
wanna hurt you.

That's okay, Fred.

I still have my work.

Well, wait a minute.
You know...

Jackie, maybe D.J.
can come over.

No, no, Fred.

You don't want him,
end of story.

No, no, no, no.
He's a good kid.

He can come over
every once in a while.

Thank you, Fred.

Four or five times
a week, tops.

I promise.

Heh, great.

Hey, why don't we go out
to dinner like we planned?

No, Roseanne, Fred
really doesn't want to.

Well, okay.

I guess I'll just go home
and spend some quality time

with my husband...

though I'm not sure
our marriage can take it.

Oh, wait a minute.
No, no.

It's not that I didn't wanna
go out with you and Dan,

it's just that
I didn't wanna go out.

Well, maybe we could
just eat here.

If that's okay
with you, Fred.

Okay.

Great. I'll tell you what,
why don't you give Dan a call

and tell him
to bring D.J. too.

Wow.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm D.J.
What's your name?

[scoffs]

Well, I know I may not
look like much now,

but in a few years,
I'm gonna look like this.

Hi, D.J.

I'm Jennifer.

Cardboard, it does
a body good.