07x21 - Husbands and Wives

[bunniefuu]

** [harmonica]

Hey, I'm home.

Hey, Darlene.

** [cartoon]

Hello? Isn't anybody home?

I'm right here!

Mom? Dad?

D.J.!

What?

Oh. Well, I guess that means
I get the TV all to myself.

[click]
Oh, golf.

I was watchin' that!

[faint applause]

Hm, that's odd.

I'm all alone, yet
I distinctly smell
foul breath.

That's 'cause
I'm right here!

Oh. Sorry, D.J.

I didn't see ya.

But then I do have
troll blindness.

For God's sakes,
breathe through your nose.

Mom and Dad are planning
something for you,

and I know what it is.

Oo, must be really
important, if they
told the dog.

I heard Mom and Dad
talking.

'Cause of the new baby,
they're gonna cut your
allowance,

from $ a month
to .

No way!

That baby's not gonna
cost $ a month!

I mean, it's gonna get
all its food free,
from Elsie in there.

Yeah, you're nailed.
And you can't do
anything about it.

Ha! Oh, D.J.

D.J.
Young, foolish D.J.

You see, Roseanne and Dan
are like a VCR.

They just flash zero
until you program them.

Hey. Hi, Darlene.
Welcome home.

Is, uh, Dad here?

Dad!
[Dan] What?

Yeah, he's here.

Good. I wanna
talk to you guys.

Hey, Darlene.
What?

Well, actually, we wanna
talk to you, too.
Right, Dan?

[sighs]

Well, me first.

Well...

We shoulda knew somethin'
bad like this'd happen,

what with her movin'
up to the big city.

Just tell us the boy's name,

and I'll get the shotgun,

and your maw will
rustle up a preacher.

[Darlene] All right.
Well, I've been thinking.

I know you guys have
this new baby on the way,

and that's gotta be
really expensive.

So I was thinking you could
send me less money every month.

[cough]

Honey, you've got to pardon us
for being a little shocked.

This is your first
act of kindness.

Oh, now, Dan.
Come on.

She's always been
very generous.

Remember when she called up
Jerry Lewis, and pledged
$ , ?

So what do you say
we cut my allowance

fro $ a month
to--

Oh. Say--
.

, huh--?
No, no. I don't wanna
argue about this.

This is what I wanna do.

That'd be good, but--

you know what would
be even better--?
Now, Dan.

This is so sweet
of her.

Well, I just figured
the baby needs it
more than I do.

Now what'd you guys
wanna ask me?

Well, um--

You know that, uh--

Berlin Wall,
comin' down?

What was that
all about?

See ya.

Like taking candy from
two very big babies

who really like candy.

'Cept for one thing.

What?
I lied.

They were never gonna
cut your money at all.

Listen. You know what
I just said in there?

You know, I came in here
and I said that? [laughs]

I know. We can't tell ya
how much we appreciate it.

But you know, Darlene,
I'm feeling so, uh--

I don't know what it is.
I'm just, uh--

Oh my God.
I'm proud of you!

I'll be in the basement.

Plotting D.J.'s death.

She fell right into
our trap.

Yeah, she must be slippin'.

Yay, it worked.

I did everything you said.

Now where's my bucks?

He fell right into
our trap.

Yeah, he must be slippin'.

What a gyp!

[chuckling] And you
wanted smart kids.

** [theme song]

Ha ha ha ha!

[knocking on door]

Come in?

Well, someday,

maybe they'll invent
a receptacle

where you can put
garbage in.

How are ya doin'?

Oh, I'm right
where I belong.

Livin' on Failure St.

Two blocks south
of Pathetic.

My zip code?

All zeroes.

Now don't start
that again.

Fred's gonna
come back to ya.

I had Dan go over there
and talk to him.

And if that doesn't work,
then I'll send him back
to beat him up.

It's not gonna work!

Fred left me because
I lied to him.

I went out dancing
with another man.

Well, dancing is not
a sin.

Didn't you see Footloose?

Well, if he just
hadn't of gone,

then none of this
would have happened.

Hey, come on. When something
goes wrong in a marriage,

it's never just
one partner's fault.

You can't just
blame yourself.

Well, I--
I can't blame Fred.

Well, fine!
Then blame someone else.

That's what I do!

Just make a list
of all your problems.

And then another list
of everybody you know.

And then draw lines.

There's nobody
that I can blame!

Well, what about the idiot
that narked to Fred?

We were at the Lobo.
Half of Lanford was there.

That coulda been anybody.

Well, that's all the better.
More to choose from.

You know, Mom--

did see me and Pete
at the Lunch Box.

Oh, that's perfect.

Everyone knows
she's pure evil.

And she gave me
one of those looks.

You know? Like
"I'm gonna tell on you!"

Well, you didn't tell me
that you had hard evidence.

God, I hate that Mom!

It-- [stammers]
you know? I do feel better.

See, I told ya.
So how you need to
quit mopin' around

and get out there
and have some fun.

Although I wouldn't
recommend dancin'.
[laughs]

Well, I--

I could take Andy
to the Bulk Store.

Thatta girl! Nothing more
fun than the Bulk Store!

But-- now, see?
I don't have any
clean clothes!

Could that somehow
be Mom's fault?

Damn her!

[knocking on door]

Hold on.

[knocking]
Yeah?

Gosh. I told the agency
I wanted a redhead.

Dan. What are
we doin'?

You're checkin'
outta here.

Roseanne was right.
This crap has gone on
long enough.

You're goin' back
to your wife and your kid.

Come on, buddy.
Let's go.
Can't.

Why not?

You packed my pants.

Here.

Dan, I'm not goin' back.
I'm still too angry.

I know you are, Fred.
But it's just gonna
get better. Trust me.

You just bury that anger
deep down inside,

until it becomes
a hard ball in the pit
of your stomach.

And then you put
food on it.

No! I'm staying
where I am.

Damn it, Fred!
What are you doin' here?

I told you to romance her.

With the money you spent
on this motel,

you coulda bought
her a--

card, or somethin'.

Dan, I see what this
is about, okay?

You don't have to worry.
Roseanne's not gonna know

it was you who tipped
me off. I told Jackie
it wasn't you.

Well, you don't have
to lie for me.

I'm not afraid of my wife.

Oh? Have you remarried?

I'm not afraid because
I did nothin' wrong.

I'm not the guy who
walked out on his family
to punish his wife.

Hey! I'm not punishing her!

Jackie is a mess.

And she's sittin' home
with a kid

who doesn't know what
happened to his father.
What do you call that?

What do you want
from me, Dan?

Jackie's the only woman
I ever loved!

She's the only person
I ever trusted,
and she betrayed me.

But nothin' happened--
Something did happen!

She went out with
another man.

I'm losin' her.

I lose her--

I lose everything.

I don't know what to do.

What can I do?

Jeez, Fred, I'm sorry.

I just-- I need some time
to get my head together.

All right, buddy.

I'll stay with ya
for a while.

Fred? Does this TV
get anything besides
adult movies?

I don't know.

Uh, hey, Roseanne.
Did I leave Andy's
little hat over here?

Oh, yeah, well, I'll have
to buy you a new one,

uh, see, 'cause I ran
out of coffee filters.

Hey, hey,
have you had a bath?

Yeah,
I've been getting out,

trying to have fun,
like you said.

But you still hate Mom.

Oh, yeah. It's very
invigorating, you know?

It's funny.
You hate somebody
your whole life,

and then you realize
there's so much more.

Who do we hate?
Who do we hate?

Mom.

Oh, good. I hate Bev.
Can I play?

Yeah, we figured out

Mom told Fred
about me and Pete.

So what do you think
we should do to her,
Dan?

Oh, I don't know.
Who's to say what I think?

Well, I got--
Gymboree starts in an hour.

I got to get him there,
build up his little muscles,

'cause next time he pulls
on Grandma's earrings,

we're gonna do some damage,
yes, we are.

Yes, we are!

Oh, she's
such a good mother.

Listen, Roseanne,

I didn't want to say
this in front of Jackie,

but I'm the one that told
Fred, not your mom.

Although your mom
probably would have

if I hadn't.

Man, does she bug me!

Well, I should have seen

your great-big barbecue-stained
fingerprints all over this one.

I was right to do it.
I was right to tell him.

I don't want to hear it.

You just go out
in the backyard

and dig a great-big hole
and wait for me.

Oh, that's right.

Blame me.
Blame the messenger.

Oh, no, no, blame Fred,

you know, the guy
whose wife lied to him?

But whatever you do,
don't blame the adulteress.

Hey, she's not
an adulteress, Dan.

What happened to you?

You were on her side
before you went over there.

Then I saw how much
Fred was hurting.

No, that's not what happened.

You were in a very small space
with another man,

and you breathed
all those man fumes,

and then the very tiny
part of your brain

that can think for itself

dissolved.

Roseanne. Hi, Becky.

Did you get me that, uh,
catalog I asked you for?

Yeah, and that saw
that Dan would like

is right here
on this page.

Yep. Whoo. That's gonna
make a great gift.

Yep.

Now all I need
is the picture frame.

Oh. Uh, well,
why don't you sit down?

I'll make you a sandwich,
and then we can talk.

Okay, as long as you
keep your promise

and we don't
talk about Jackie.

Well, uh,
didn't she just die?

Oh, that Jackie.

Hey, Fred.

Heya, Mark.

You here to meet Becky?

Nah, she's eating
with that guy.

Hey, Becky.
Hey, Joe.

Hey.

Who's Joe?

Just some guy friend
of Becky's.

They go out all the time:

lunch, dinner, dancing.

No biggie.

I see. And that
doesn't bug you.

Of course not, man.
I'm secure as a man.

And my male chauvinistic ego

doesn't, uh, need,
uh, something or other.

You know, that's funny.

I was recently in a very
similar situation.

You were?
I had no idea.

Yeah.

The only thing was

that Jackie lied to me
about her guy friend.

Does Becky ever lie
to you about this guy?

[no audible dialogue]

Yeah, of course,
all the time.

Yeah, it's...good.

Yeah? How does that
make you feel?

Uh...

f-fine.

Uh, Mrs. Conner!

Really? Fine?

That is so
open-minded of you.

I guess it won't
bother you to hear

that they were
holding hands, too.

What?

Right up
until you came in.

I was a little
concerned about it,

but I guess
I'm not as secure
a man as you are.

Hey, get away
from my wife, pal.

What are you doing?

Were you holding
hands with this guy?

No.

Well,
Fred saw you.

Hey, I told you,

if it isn't written
on your hand, don't say it.

Yeah, but nobody
said nothing

about them
touching each other.

Why don't you go stick
your head in the freezer?

It's going bad.

You think
you and Jackie

are gonna get
back together?

Roseanne,
I can't believe

that you think
that I was dumb enough

to fall for that.

I didn't. I am trying
to break up Becky and Mark.

Hello, hello, diner people.

Hi, Bev.

I can't talk
to Bev right now

with this Jackie
thing going on.

I'll get rid of her.

[whispering]
Hi, Mom. Thank God
you're here.

Are you sure that Fred
wants to talk to me?

Yes, absolutely.
I tried to comfort him,

but he needs
the kind of comforting

that only you can give.

Hello, Fred.

[mouthing]

I was so sorry to hear
about you and Jackie.

Where are you staying?

The Green Lantern.

Oh, my.
That place is filthy.

But then, considering
the kind of housekeeper
Jackie is,

I suppose
you feel right at home.

I don't know. I guess.

Hey, hey,
now's not the time

to bring up all
of Jackie's faults, okay?

Next thing I know,
you'll start comparing her

to, I don't know, Dad.

Ha ha! And why not?

Jackie's father
was a cheater, too,

and she always
took after him.

You know, Bev,
cheater is probably
too strong a word.

Oh-ho-ho, really?

Yeah. I mean,

Jackie didn't actually
do anything with this guy.

That's right, Mom.

So there's absolutely
no reason at all

to bring up all the other
men she slept with.

Oh,
why waste the time?

The list of men
she hasn't slept with

is shorter.

Bev, would you mind
not criticizing Jackie?

After all,
she is still my wife.

That's right, Mom.
And she has obviously
cut way back on the men

ever since she got married.

In my day,
that woman would become
known as a runabout.

She's not a runabout.

Exactly, Mom.
And I don't care

if she was wearing
Charlie--

you know, kinda free,
kinda wild.

Oh...goodness knows

what sort of life
Jackie's leading.

If you ask me,
you're too good for her.

Will you get
off Jackie's case?

She just
made a mistake.

Well, you two can sit here
and argue about my sister,

but I'll be damned
if I'm gonna listen

to one more minute of it.

And whatever you do,
do not tell Fred your theory

on how Jackie made ends meet
that time she was unemployed.

Oh!

[knock on door]

Yeah?

Hi.

Where are you going?

We're going
to The Toy Warehouse,

and the first toy he finds
that he can't break,

I'm buying it!

No, you got to stay here,

'cause I just left Fred
with Mom,

and I think he's caving.

Really?

Yeah. And so, you know,
you got to be here

in case he comes by
or calls or something,

unless Mom turns him
off women altogether.

I'm--I'm
all ready to go.

Well, come on, Jackie.

I went to a lot
of trouble catching him.

Now you just got
to clean and cook him.

I know, but it's
just that ever since
he left,

I've just been
enjoying myself.

What?

Well,
I'm--I'm sleeping

in the middle
of the bed,

I'm not
shaving my legs,

and I get to put
pretty clothes
on Andy again,

and if he turns out
gay, we don't care,

because I'll march
in one of those
parades with him.

So what about Fred?

I mean,
he's your husband.

Don't you miss him
at all?

Not even the...
you know,

cute way he does
whatever it is

that you thought
he did cute?

It's scary, Roseanne.
I just think

that I'm
happier without him.

Well, don't you
love him anymore?

Huh? Don't you?

I don't know.

Well, great.
Well, you better
think about this,

because
he's Andy's dad.

I know.
I know Andy needs him.

[knock on door]

Hey.

Hi, Fred.

Hiya, sport.

How ya doing, buddy?

Who is that?

Ha ha ha!

Hey, Roseanne, can you take
Andy in the back for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Can we talk?
Yeah.

I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have left.

You didn't
even let me explain.

I know.
You know.

I just...

I needed some time to think.

Well, I did, too.

Look, Jackie, I know
you got some problems
with the marriage,

and I do, too,

but the important
thing is,

we still love
each other, right?

Right.

Hey.

So where were
you two off to?

Toy Warehouse.

Sounds like fun.
I'll join you.

Oh, I don't--Ahh...

Let's just--
Let's just stay in.

Uh, well, I--
I better go,

'cause Darlene
hung D.J. up by his feet,

and I want to get some film.

Okay. Well, thanks for
helping out, Roseanne.

Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah, well, you know,
sometimes you, uh,

you go
sticking your nose

in places where it
doesn't belong

so...things will
turn out like this.

Dad, we need to talk.

That's
what I used to think,

but it turns out, son,
we don't.

I mean it.
I set up Darlene

so you and Mom get
to pay her less allowance,

but unless you give me
more bucks a month,

I'm gonna tell her.

My, my,
what a sly puss.

Look, she'll
start a big fight

and ruin her whole time home,

and you don't want to start
a big fight, do you?

Oh, gee, Dan,
they're so adorable

before the horns
and the pointed tail
grow in.

Hey, Darlene,
come on up here!

Why do you want
to call her up here?

It's the only fun
we get

since they outlawed
cockfighting.

What?

Well, uh...

say, you know
that bucks

that D.J.
scammed you out of?

Yeah.

Well,

that was me and your dad.

That was our scam.
We thought of that ourselves.

And D.J., well, he was nothing
but our willing stooge.

So that wasn't
your idea at all.

Nope. It was all
Mom and Dad.

You were
just playing along.

Yeah, that's right.

You teamed up with them,
you little snot factory.

You know, D.J.,
for years,

we tried to get
Darlene to help us
scam you,

but
she'd never do it.

Well,
she's got principles.

Bad move, D.J.,

because they're gonna die
way before I do.

Looks like
the two of you

got a lot of things
to talk over.

Winner gets this .

Someone get a shoebox.

There's gonna be a funeral.

Mom?
Have fun, kids.

Dad, I'm scared!

Perfectly natural.

Well, so what?

We're reaming the kids
together again.

Does that mean
we're okay?

[sigh]

You know, Dan, if you
weren't around here,

I'd really miss you.

Well, of course.

You'd keep sliding
down in the middle

where the mattress
tips.

No, I mean it.

Um, I'm really glad
that I married you.

I know I got me
one of the good ones.

Am I dying?

Never mind.

Oh, come here.

What was that for?

I don't--You started it.

Were you holding hands
with this guy?

No.

Well, Fred saw you.

Hey, I told you,

if it isn't written
on your hand, don't say it.

Yeah, but nobody
told nothing, uh,

about something
with them over there.

[laughter]

I told you,

if it is not written
on your hand, don't say it.

I never knew something

was supposed to be
about the touches

something or other
anyway!

God,
I'm so embarrassing!