03x10 - The Diplomatic Corpse

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
senors and senoras,

and members of our little
book of the week club.

Originally, I was to play
a different role,

but I proved to be
a rather bulky bookmark.

Tonight's little volume takes
us to exotic nearby Mexico,

home of the tortilla,
the bullfight and
the -hour coffee break.

It is called,
"The Diplomatic Corpse."

Allow me.

Desert.
That's all it is, desert.

Nothing but sand and rocks
and a few wretched palm trees.

Well, don't forget
the geraniums, Auntie.

Chin up, darling.
We've only got
another week of it.

Geraniums belong in pots,
not growing wild all over
the place like weeds.

Well, after all, Auntie,
this is California.

For the life of me, Janet,
I cannot understand

why you would want
to leave England for this.

It's easy, Auntie. This is
where my husband lives.

Where are we now, Evan?

We're just coming
to an old Spanish mission.

It's very historic.
It's over years old.

Westminster Abbey
was consecrated in .
That's over years old.

This style of architecture
was brought up from Mexico
by the Franciscan monks.

Now admit it, Auntie.
It's a lovely old building.

It's certainly an improvement
on those biscuit tins
that Evan builds.

Evan is a modern architect
and a very good one, too.

If that's what the people
of California want, they're
welcome to it, believe me,

but for myself, I'm sure
that I shall prefer Mexico.

How far is it, Evan?

Oh, Tijuana's
about or miles.

Well, why don't we go there?
I think I should enjoy it.

Well, it's out
of the question, Auntie.

If you leave the country,
your visitor's permit
will be invalidated.

Rubbish. We'll only be there
a few hours.

What possible difference
can it make?

Evan's right, Auntie.
They're awfully strict.

Well, they wouldn't
let you back in the country.

They'll let you in,
won't they?

Yes, of course, but then...
Well, Evan was born here
and I'm a citizen now.

All right, I'll be a citizen,
too, if they ask me.

With your accent?
It won't work, Auntie.

All right, I'll tell you
what we can do.

We can drive up to the border
and look across, hmm?

Oh, no. No, that's not
the same thing at all.

I want to go to Mexico.

I'm leaving next week,
and it's my only chance. Now,
come along. Let's get going.

Where are you going, please?

Just down to Tijuana
for some shopping.

We'll be back in a few hours.

Drive on.

Thank you.

Auntie, wake up.
We've got a surprise for you.

You're in Mexico.

Auntie, it's safe
to wake up now.

What's wrong?

The moment
I touched her hand...

It's her heart.
Get the pills out of her bag.

She's cold. All the time
we thought she was asleep...

Well, get her
to a doctor, Evan. Hurry!

It's too late. She's dead.

You'd better give me
your coat, darling.

Sorry I panicked, darling.
I went all to pieces.

It's all right, darling.
Let's get you that drink.

Do you speak English?

Well, could you direct us
to a doctor?

Sure. Dr. Gomez.

Down the street,
big sign in front of house.

Thanks. Here.
Keep the change.

I don't want a strange doctor.

We'll take Auntie home
to Dr. Elliot.

It's just a formality, honey.

He fills out
the death certificate,
that's all there is to it.

Janet, I don't want
to sound callous about this,

but I'm not gonna be
a hypocrite either.

She was an old tyrant,
and we put up with her crazy
whims for only one reason.

I suppose.

Well, I am her niece,
her only relative,

so there's no reason
why we should feel guilty.

After all, we earned
anything we inherit.

Nobody can say that we didn't.

Exactly. How much do you say
the old girl was worth?

Oh, Evan.

In the neighborhood
of , pounds.

And that's a very
exclusive neighborhood.

Evan, the car's gone.

Somebody's stolen it.
Well, we've got to call
the police.

Yes. No!
Are you crazy?

How are we going to explain
the fact that we smuggled
a corpse into Mexico?

We've got to find Auntie.
How?

Well, we'll get
someone we can trust.

A lawyer, a private detective.

You're worried,
you're troubled.
I can see that clearly.

Of course, only the troubled
ones come to Tomas Salgado,

but if I had met you
on the street,
I could have seen that.

'Cause you see, we detectives,
we have to be students
of human nature.

Just a little precaution.

Yes, I am a specialist
in discreet investigations.

By the way,
who recommended me?

The bartender at that cantina.
I forget the name of it.

Bartender? That's the El Toro.
Very nice. It has atmosphere.

Now, your problem,
senor, senorita,
of a delicate nature, yes?

No, my name is Evan Wallace
and this is my wife.

Oh. Oh.

I... I could see that
right away.

Our car was stolen.

We don't want
to embarrass anybody,
but we do want it back.

Can you help us?

Unquestionably.
May I have the circumstances?

Certainly. It was taken
less than an hour ago

from the front of the cantina,
the El Toro.

It's a black ' sedan.

Black sedan.

License number, N-L-K- - - .

, darling.
- - .

- - .

And how long do you intend
to stay in Tijuana?

We'll be leaving as soon
as we get our car back.

And that's why
we came to you, Mr. Salgado.

Well, we don't want to go
through a lot of red tape
and filling out reports

and that sort of thing, and...
Well, you know what I mean.

Oh.

The car, she's hot, yes?
The car she is hot, no.

We didn't steal it.
It's registered in our name.

Then there's no objection
to the police knowing.

Certainly not.

No, we just want
to avoid a lot
of official complication.

There will be none of that.

I guarantee you, you'll have
the car back within hours.

Where are you going to stay?

Well, we...

We aren't staying anywhere.
I guess we'll have
to stop at a hotel.

In that case, may I recommend
The Bella Vista? Great charm.

Thank you.

What's your fee, Mr. Salgado?

Let's see.
Now, you're in a great hurry,

so I'll have to put every
available man on the case.

That means
five times expenses,

, gratuities, ,

overtime five times.

That will be pesos.

How much is that
in American money?

Approximately...
Approximately $ .

Well, all right.

No, it's not all right. You
will kindly pay in advance.

And please leave everything
up to Salgado.

Now, don't worry, and enjoy
your stay in Tijuana.

It's just like her! Why did
she have to die in Mexico?

Why couldn't she die
in front of that monastery?

Darling, would you stop pacing
and get some rest?

You're not resting.

I keep thinking
about poor Auntie.

What about poor us?

If Salgado finds the car, he's
sure to know about Auntie.

And all we can do
is offer him money
to keep him quiet.

How much have you got?

I don't know.
About $ , I think.

I've got about $ .

Who is it?

Chief of Police,
Manuel Herrera.

Mr. Evan Wallace?

Yes. Yes, I'm Evan Wallace.

May I come in, please?

Yes.

My wife.

How do you do?

Won't you sit down?

You are the owner
of a ' black sedan,

California license
N-L-K- - - ?

Yes.

The car was stolen from you?

The theft was not reported
to the police.

No, I thought...
I intended to tomorrow.

Instead, you retained the
services of one Tomas Salgado
to locate your car.

Is this so?

Yes, sir.

A car answering your
description has been recovered
by the police department.

You will come downstairs
with me and identify it.

All right.

May I get my coat?

I'll wait.

This is your car, Senor?

Yes. Yeah, it's my car.

Examine it, please.
Tell me if any damage
has been done to it.

Anything missing,
Senor?

No, no. No, no.

No, there's nothing missing.

Then I would suggest
that the next time you have
difficulty in Tijuana,

you inform the police.

That is exactly what Tomas Salgado
did, after pocketing the money
you paid him.

I'm sorry for the
inconvenience you have
been caused, Mr. Wallace.

The car was taken merely
for a joy ride by a juvenile.

Again, my apologies.

I hope you will
come back to Tijuana.
Good night.

Somebody's taken her
out of the car.

The police?

No, it couldn't have been.

They would have
said something,
probably arrested me.

Evan, let's get out of here.

Let's go home
as fast as we can.

We can't. Without the body,
we can't prove she's dead.

We won't get the money.

We've got to find Auntie.
And that crook Salgado
is going to help us.

Get in the car.

I want a few words
with you, Salgado.
Yes.

Oh, how nice you came
to say goodbye.

I was afraid
I would not see you again.

You mean you were afraid
you would.

I do not understand.
Your trouble, she was resolved
satisfactorily, yes?

It certainly wasn't.

If we'd wanted the police
to find the car, we wouldn't
have needed you.

You didn't do a thing
for the money we paid you.

But the car, she was returned
in good order, yes?

Yes.

And within hours, no?

No thanks to you.

With no inconveniences,
no forms to fill out,
no red tape?

No.

And yet he comes here
and he complains
he's not satisfied. Why?

Well, there's more to it.
Aha!

Can we talk here?

If you don't raise your voice.

Would you like a drink?

No.

Salgado, can we trust you?

Trust me with your life.

No police from now on.

Of course.

Well, the reason we came
down here was because
of my wife's aunt.

She wanted to see Mexico.

She was in the car
when it was stolen.

Kidnapping.

No.

At least, I don't think so.

You see, she's dead.

m*rder.

No, no, nothing like that.

She d*ed of a heart att*ck.

Before she was kidnapped?

Yes, of course.

She was dead
when we crossed the border.

Tell me, Senor. You can
depend on me. I'm a specialist
in discretion.

But why did you bring
a corpse into Mexico?

Mr. Salgado, we didn't know.

Well, we thought
she was asleep.

It wasn't until after we
crossed the border that we
discovered that she was dead.

Before we could locate
a doctor, the car was stolen.

And when the police
brought the car back,
the body was gone.

We simply have to
find it... Her.

It can be done.
For you, anything.

Of course,
it will be a little expensive.

How much is it gonna cost me?

Let's see.

Just tools of my trade.

Now never mind the estimate.
Just give me a flat price.

Flat price?
Three hundred pesos.

Now, I guarantee
results later.

All right.

But you'd better work fast.

If somebody else
finds that body,
I want my money back.

Then he would need it
for a defense attorney.

If I have to stay
in this room one more minute,
I'm gonna go raving mad.

I went off my rocker
an hour ago.

Have some tacos.

I'm not that hungry.

Coffee?

Good news.

Salgado, where have you been?
You've found Auntie?

I have located a man who knows
exactly where she is.

Who?

The thief.

Who else could have
removed the body?

Who else would know
where she's hidden?

Only one, the thief,
my friend, Rafael.

Well, why couldn't you think
of that this morning?

Where is he?

Unfortunately, he's in jail.

Can you get in to see him?

No, we have to get him out.

Why?

Why? Because freedom
will loosen his tongue.

You understand.

I'm afraid I do.

How much is it gonna cost me?

Flat price? $ .

If it's more, I'll pay it
out of my own pocket.

Well, that's darn nice of you,
considering I own
that pocket of yours.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

May I introduce
my little amigo, Rafael?
He's the thief.

Well, son, you're out of jail.

Now tell us
where you hid the body.

What did he say?

He says he speaks no English.

Well, you ask him.

I did ask him. He says
there was no body in the car.
She was empty.

He's lying.
He hid it someplace.

You make him
tell us the truth.

I believe
he's telling the truth.

I have it.
There are two thieves.

The one who meant to keep it,
and my little amigo
who just took her for a ride.

It doesn't make any sense,
does it, Evan?

My deductions
are always correct.

Now, if I were the thief,
what would I do?

I find a car
in front of the El Toro,

so I steal her and
I drive her away. I'm happy.

Until, caramba,
it contains a dead body.

Now, what if the police,
they catch me?

They think
I have m*rder*d her.

I drive the car
into the alley.
I run and I run and I run.

Hours pass.

And then...
Then my little amigo comes

and he sees the car,
and she's beautiful.

Now it is a temptation.
He knows it's wrong,

but he's young
and he takes her for a ride.

You see?
My deductions are correct.

The mystery, she is solved.

Fine, fine. Now tell us
where the body is.

The body?
I don't know everything.

After we pay the hotel bill,
we'll have exactly $ .

All we can do now
is go home without the body
and make up some story.

And give up our inheritance?

Well, we could
report it to the police,
but it'll sound kinda fishy.

Why did we wait
so long to report it?

Police.

Good news.

What do you want?

I'm exhausted.
I'm completely exhausted.

From what?

"From what"?

From thinking.
Now let me try to explain.

You see, all Mexicans
are very religious people,

and for any Mexican
to deny the final rite
to a departed soul,

it's unthinkable.

Now based on this fact,

my brilliant deduction led me
to investigate the alley

where Rafael found
your abandoned car.

You know where?

Where?

In front of a funeral home.

You mean the body
is there now?

You're positive?

Positive.

Oh, thank heaven.

Evan, how are we gonna
get it across the border?

Well, we can't
smuggle her across.

Oh, no, no, no.

You see,
there's no death certificate
and no identification,

so you'll have to leave
the necessary arrangements
up to me.

Of course,
there will be a slight fee.

Now look, I've only got $ .

That's the price.

Not enough,
but I'll pay for the rest.

I know,
out of your own pocket.

Don't let that worry you.

Evan, they're searching
the hearse.

How much did you say
we'll inherit?

Over , pounds.

You don't think there's
gonna be an inquest?

Certainly not.

Dr. Elliot knows
she had a bad heart.

He'll just examine the body
and make out a certificate.

Evan,
will you come in, please?

Of course.

Doctor, there's nothing wrong,
is there?

You have no doubt
that it was a natural death?

No, death was due
to natural causes, but...

We'll have to go
back to Mexico.

I'm gonna m*rder
that crook Salgado!

Oh, well, what can you expect
from people who go out in
the noonday sun?

This, of course, was not
the end of our travelogue.

The Wallaces eventually
recovered Mrs. Tait's body,

but this only led to
another dilemma.

Mrs. Tait had always scorned
the beauties of burial
in Southern California.

Nor could they afford
to ship her back to England.

So they did
the next best thing
and had her buried at sea.

By the way, you probably think
I'm Alfred Hitchcock.

He is Alfred. I am Omega.
Good night.