06x02 - The Mommy's Curse

[bunniefuu]

[theme]

Hello there, Mr. Ficus.

Drink up and replenish
the world with your oxygen.

Mom, I told you to quit
talking to the plant.

It tried to throw
itself off that stand

Three times last week.

Well, Roseanne, so far
my little inspection

Has turned up mold,
cockroaches,

And human hair.

Unfortunately
for the unsuspecting
citizens of Lanford,

It's all within
the legal limits.

God, I need a break.

My word, Jackie.

Just look what you've
done with yourself.

It's hard to believe you
still haven't got a man.

I've been cleaning out
a grease trap

For two hours, mom.

Yeah, mom, that's
not very nice.

Jackie needs a hug.

Go hug her, Jackie.

Mom, you get down there,

And i'll spend the day
sweating over Mr. Ficus.

Jackie, I do a lot more
work than you realize.

In fact, I spent
the morning

Making a to-do list

Of everything that needs
to be done around here.

I don't see any of you
making to-do lists.

Well, you can cross off
"annoy daughters."

"spray all garbage cans,
unclog back sink,

Change grease
in french fryer."

I think you should do
that last one, Jackie.

You know how tempted
your sister gets
around a fry.

Yeah, at Rodbell's

We always found
it prudent

To put a dead bolt
on the pie carousel.

[laughs]
[laughs]

Well, look, it's
wayland and madame.

If you don't mind,

I've got more
inspecting to do.

Thank you.

Most restaurants
aren't this cooperative.

Jackie, it's kiln day.

Roseanne, do you
really need that chip?

She's k*lling me,
Roseanne.

If you cared
about me at all,

You would tell mom to
stop coming around here.

Well, that brings us
to the harsh reality

Of our own relationship,
doesn't it.

All right, okay.

Neither of us
is gonna do it,

So we're stuck with her.

What we need

Is a glass
of chardonnay

On a great big
ol' rat trap.

Hey, Fred.

How's that big, stupid,
horrible, mean

Boss of yours
down at the garage?

Oh, man, Rosie,

Is he one enormous
pain in the butt.

Yeah, boy,
is he a dr--

Wait a minute.

That's me you're
talking about! Ooh!

[quietly]
hey! Hey!

What's Fred doing here?

Did you know he was
coming down here?

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

[singsong]
Jackie likes Fred.

Do not!

Go on. You know
you like him.

Go ask him out.
You haven't been with
nobody for six months.

No! Don't make me
do this, Roseanne.

I'm not ready to
go out with anybody yet.

Hello, Roseanne.

I had the worst date
with this woman last night.

She was rude and awful,

And then she wouldn't
even spend the night.

Let me guess.

All she did was
talk about golf.

Well, that's it.

I'm back into men
this week.

Are there any straight
guys in this place?

Oh, well,
there's Fred.

Roseanne.

Jeez, he looks
desperate.

Two buttons
should do it.

No, Roseanne...

Okay, i'll make
this deal with you.

If you go over there
and ask Fred out,

Then I will ask mom to
become a silent partner

And not come
to work anymore.

Really?
No, I can't.

Well, if you can't,
i'm going to,

Because I still
have date hair

And it's too good
to waste.

Okay, okay.
All right, i'll do it.

I'll go back
to the kitchen

So you have
a better chance.

Dan. Fred.

Um, I don't want this
to come out the wrong way
or anything,

But i'd like to go out
with you some night.

Um, you could
call it a date.

I'd rather call it
two people getting together

For food and talking
about nothing too personal

In a well-lit environment.

Physical contact
limited to a handshake.

What do you say?

Well, i'd have to ask
Roseanne, but okay.

Thanks for helping,
Dan. Fred?

Well, let me
get this straight.

Food, talking,
shaking hands.

Mm, i'm sorry, Jackie,

I'm already
involved with Dan.

All right,
I get it.

Hey, Jackie.

I'd love to.

Okay, well, i'll
give you a call

About the weekend then.

So, when are you
gonna talk to mom?

Well, Jackie it
wasn't a real deal.

Come on, idiot.

I had my fingers crossed
the whole time anyway.

No-ho-ho.
No take-backs.

I can if I want.

Can't.
Can.

Can't.
Can!

Can't.
Can.
Can't.

Can.
Can't infinity.

Infinity isn't allowed.

Is.
Isn't.

Is.
Isn't!

Is.

Roseanne, I saw
all the animals

In the neighborhood
running in circles.

I guess that means
your mother will be
arriving soon.

Help me hold
the Kn*fe steady, Dan.

I keep missing
my wrists.

You know, honey,

If you don't
confront Bev,

Then Jackie won't have
to go out with Fred

And I won't have
to share my friend.

Well, Dan, I know you're
getting to that age

Where a lot
of you friends

Are starting
to like girls.

But, see,
that doesn't mean

That they like you
any less.

Just in a different way.

Yoo-hoo,
it's mother!

God...

You step on
every cr*ck

In every sidewalk
for years...

What the hell
does it get you?

Do I smell my favorite,
yankee pot roast?

What's the occasion?

No occasion.

Dan hit a yankee
on the way home.

Well, i'll tell
you what.

Why don't
you two relax

And, uh, oh...
I don't know, chat?

Well, Jackie, I, uh,

I'm not feeling
real chatty yet.

Oh, come on, Roseanne.

You said this afternoon

You couldn't wait
to chat with mom.

I'm gonna go check
the potatoes.

Well, wait, i'm not ready
for you to check the--

Hey!

You know, there's
nothing I like more

Than spending time
with my daughters.

Yeah, same here.

Um...

Yeah, well, I guess
it is good

To, you know, spend time
together here at home,

Especially 'cause,
you know,

Well, at work, it's
not that much fun.

Well, that's why
they call it work.

Yeah, good one.

Well, you know
how sometimes

Like when it gets really
crazy at the diner

And you're having trouble
with a coworker

And, like, you just
really kind of lose it

And you feel like
you just want to

Rip their head off
with your bare hands

But, you know, you can't
'cause of health codes.

Is it Nancy?

Did she make
a pass at you,

Because I think she
made one at me!

No, it's not Nancy.

I'm waiting to hear
you say it's Jackie.

Uh, mom, I just--
I just don't think

We should work
together anymore.

I hope you're not
boiling all the vitamins

Out of the vegetables.

Mom, wait.

What do you want me
to say, Roseanne?

My daughter just
told me she hates me.

I didn't get that far.

Well, Jackie,

Your sister doesn't want
to work with me anymore.

So from now on

I'll just work
on your shift.

Mom, I think
that Roseanne

Probably has more
to say to you.

Am I right, Roseanne?

Well, we don't
want you

To work on any
shift at all.

Oh, this is
a team effort.

Isn't there
anyone here

Who enjoys
my company?

You know,
I can't remember

What color
the house is.

[door closes]

Mom, it's just
that we think

You'd be happier
being more

Like a silent
partner,

'cause you've
worked for so long.

You're .

I started working
at .

God, has it only
been a year?

If it weren't
for me,

You'd still be
in debt, Roseanne.

You wouldn't have
a house, Jackie.

And neither of you
would have a business

To kick me out of.

Yeah, but mom,
we're not saying

That we don't
like your money.

Fine, you won't
see me at the diner

Ever again
for any reason.

Oh, come on, mom,
don't overreact!

No, no, i'll never
talk to you again.

I'll never annoy you.

I'll never have anything
to do with you again

As long as you live.

Yeah!
Yeah!

sometimes I feel
like a motherless child

and that's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it

So how are you
this morning, Mr. Ficus?

What? I can't hear you!

You'll have
to speak up!

It's been three days.

When are the two
of you gonna stop

Dancing around
the bonfire

With your mother's
head on a stick?

I don't know.

Is a year too long?

Stop that!

The woman
gave you life.

Yeah, well,
she giveth

And she sucketh
away.

I'm taking this
back to Bev's

Before you
k*ll it.

Oh, be a good sport.

Wait 'til after
we k*ll it.

I think
the two of you

Are being hideous.

Oh, look, Jackie.

Some of mom's
little guilt spores

Are glomming
onto Nancy.

And I welcome them.

I like her.

She never judges me,
criticizes me,

Or belittles me.

Whenever I see her,
she always makes me smile.

No wonder she thinks
you're hitting on her.

Well, I hope
you're happy.

Thanks, Nancy.

I hope you're
happy too.

I just came
from your mother's,

And she's crying.

Why, what'd you do?
Punch her?

No, you did.

You punched her
in the emotional stomach.

Oh, Nancy, nothing can
make my mother cry.

She thinks old yeller
had it coming.

Well, she came
to the door

And tears were running
down her face.

How do you
explain that?

I don't know.
She pulled a nose hair?

Hey. How do I look?

Like an ungrateful
brat of a daughter.

With great shoes.

Hey, Jackie...

Nancy says
we made mom cry.

Yeah, right.

You really like
my shoes?

No, you guys,
she was crying.

I'm sure of it.

And her friend Jake
said she's been
like that for days.

Really?

Jackie...

Well, Roseanne, this is
a really big night for me.

Yeah, but what if
mom is sitting
over there crying?

But I can only take
one trauma a night,

And tonight i'm
choosing the date.

Well, since when
did you cut down

To one trauma
a night?

[doorbell rings]

Hey, mom.

Um, well, I just
stopped over

To drop off the...kids'
school pictures.

Here's this one
of Becky.

She's like in
the fourth grade.

I probably should have
brought 'em by earlier,

But ever since
I had D.J.,

You know, i've been
kind of busy.

Okay, so I get it.
I get it, mom.

Silent partner.
Very, very clever.

But, you know,
since we're not at work

It doesn't really
apply here.

Oh!

Well, it's nice of you
to allow me

To talk in my own home.

If my sentences
run on too long,

Please let me know.

Well, that one
was pretty close.

Roseanne, what are
you doing here?

Well, you know, mom,

I didn't mean to hurt
your feelings so bad.

I'd like
to apologize

For what I said to you
the other night at dinner.

Well, that's very
nice of you, Roseanne.

Thank you.

So, do you
forgive me?

Yes, I forgive you.

Okay, well...
Let's stay in touch.

Well, you don't
have to do that.

If anything
important happens,

You'll surely
be notified

As my next of kin.

Knew it. You don't
really forgive me.

Yes, I do.

Didn't you hear me?

No, you don't.
You never do.

That's why I have to
carry around all this
guilt all the time.

Listen, if you're
not gonna forgive me,

Then you're gonna do
something really mean
back to me

To even the score.

Roseanne,
that's ludicrous.

No, it is not
ludicrous.

Otherwise i'm gonna feel
guilty 'til the day you die.

So come on.
Take your best sh*t.

Give it to me
right in the chops.

Come on, if you love me.

I'm sorry, Roseanne.

Unlike some people,

I don't hurt
family members.

Yes, you do, mom,
but you stretch it out.

When I take a band-aid
off of my kid's knee,

I just pull it off
all at once,

But you've been taking
the same damn band-aid

Off of my knee
one hair at a time

For years.

How can I forgive
you, Roseanne,

If you're not really
sorry for what you said.

I said I was sorry.
Didn't you hear me?

Then you want me to come
back to the diner?

You know, you can
have those pictures.

You, uh, you don't
have to return 'em
or anything.

Well, just what
I thought.

Oh, mom!

Of course you
can come back.

Do you need me
to come back?

Yeah.

Of course.

Please, we--we
of course need you

To please come back.

Please, please would you
come back please?

Thank you, Roseanne.

I just needed to
hear you say that.

You don't need me.

I've raised two smart,
capable girls

Who can get along
just fine

Without anyone's
help, even mine.

Thank you, mom.

Well, well.

I guess you still eat
when you feel guilty.

You had to keep
talking, didn't you.

Hi. Sorry i'm late.

Before you ask,
the date went fine.

It was no big deal.
We had a good time.

What was that?

What was what?

That grin.
I seen you grin.

I didn't grin.
[chuckling]
yeah.

Oh, ooh, you
slept with him.

Roseanne.

God, you totally did.

You said you wasn't
gonna have sex with him.

Well, for most of the date
we didn't have sex.

Oh, let's--let's not
talk about this now.

Hey, Roseanne,
is Jackie here?

Oh, so it's Jackie
now, huh?

I'll just check
in the back.

You know, flowers would
have been a nice touch.

Well, since he's
your friend, Dan,

If he don't treat
my sister right

I'm holding you
personally responsible.

Okay, i'm making
a big leap here,

But did Fred and Jackie
do something

That's none of my
business last night?

Oh, right, like
you don't know.

Like he didn't
come in there

Swaggering
this morning

Like, "hey, I
bagged her," you know,

And then...

Then all the other
apes, you know,

Sit there, "way to be!"

Whack, whack.

Then they grab
their crotch

And, you know,
belch to celebrate

The one-night stand.

F.Y.I.,
we don't belch

For one-night stand
celebrations.

We expose our chest hair
and do a victory dance.

Besides, he didn't say
nothing about it.

This is the first
i've heard of it.

No, no, believe me,
it's not you, it's me.

I'm just going through
a really...Uh,

Selfish period
right now.

But that's perfect.

I'm going through
a doormat period right now.

Look, Fred,
you had some laughs.

I had some laughs.
The sun came up.

I'm just not ready
to date yet.

Well, we don't have
to call it dating.

We could call it
two people

Getting together
and having sex

In a poorly lit
environment.

Good-bye, Fred.

It was worth a sh*t.

[Roseanne]
ow! Oof.

What the hell
are you doing?

Halfway through
the date I decided

I didn't want it
to get too serious.

Yeah, buy you
had sex with him.

Well, sex is about as far
as I want to go right now.

Okay, so--so let me
get this, okay?

You really like him,

And you had sex with him
and everything,

But, you know, you're
just gonna go ahead

And one-night-stand him?

Yep.

Way to be.

Leon, it is so great
that you came in to eat

Like a regular person.

Yeah, you know, somehow
i've actually gotten

To like this
rancid concoction

Of grade-m beef.

It is good, isn't it.

What do I see coming
through the door?

A woman,
a strong woman

Returning to triumph
over the scorn

Of her children.

Mom, you're back.

That's just terrific.

Oh, I haven't
returned to work.

Heavens, no!

No? Oh, rats!

Rats, rats, rats!

Oh, hi, mom.

I thought about what
you said, Roseanne,

And i'm taking
your advice.

I'm going to do
something

Really mean
to you.

That is so healthy.

In fact, i'm here
to even the score.

I'm gonna hurt you
with one big sh*t.

Get it, girl!

Well, uh, mom, you know,
Jackie was in on it too.

Since neither of you
really want me

To work in the diner,

I've decided to
sell my share.

What? Mom, it's
gonna be really hard

To get a buyer
in this market.

Oh...It wasn't
that hard.

She just kept
lowering her price.

I couldn't say no.

I'm impressed, Bev.

Jackie, I--I can't
feel my legs.

Isn't this terrific?

I get al my
aggression out

And it really,
really hurts you.

There. Now mommy made
everything all better.