06x04 - A Stash from the Past

[bunniefuu]

Roseanne, I have a problem.

The carpet in the corner
of my living room is loose.

I need Dan to fix it.

Jackie, remember
when I was years old

And I told you
you could come to me

Any time that you had
a problem?

Well, I was !

Well,
he did build the place.

You know, he's supposed
to fix that stuff.

What's bugging you?

Look what I found
in David's room

When I was
cleaning today.

[gasp]

Oh, man, that looks like pot.

[sniff]

Yep. That's pot all right.

Maryjane, stick, weed, dope.

Call it what you like,
it's trouble.

You know,
sometimes, Jackie,

You must strike
yourself as weird.

Did you tell Dan
about it yet?

No. He's in such
a bad mood from work,

I'm afraid of what
he would do to David.

Well, just get him
in a really good mood,

And then you tell him.

Jackie,
I hardly have the time

To get Dan all liquored up,
have sex with him,

And make s'mores.

I will just wait
for the perfect moment.

[Dan]
D.J.! Get off the roof now!

He bolted.

How many times
have I told you

To stay off the roof?

I wasn't on the roof.

Get in your room.
You're grounded.

What?

Dan, I was the one

That told him he could
play on the roof.

I figured it was
safer than the park.

I get enough grief
at work.

I don't need it
when I come home.

Uh, Dan!

Uh, Jackie's carpet
came untacked,

And she wants you
to fix it immediately.

Jackie
can go to hell!

No, not the right moment.

[theme]

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, hey, we're with
the swedish bikini team.

Where's our free beer?

This is
a waste of time.

Getting drunk isn't
gonna cheer me up.

True, but you won't
irritate me as much.

The guys at work are
really ticking me off.

I can't get 'em
to listen to me,

To take me
seriously.

Oh, so they're
just like the kids.

I can't afford to screw
this job up, Roseanne.

I mean, it's okay to fail
when you're ,

But if you fail
when you're ,

You're a serious loser.

Now, that's not
really true, honey.

I just told you that
when you were

To make you
feel better.

Great.
The pressure's off.

Ah. Forget it.

You owe me
another beer.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, whoa, whoa.

What's Pete doing here?

He took the afternoon off

'cause he was
supposed to be sick.

Well, maybe he is.

He ain't walking too steady.

That guy there
is my biggest headache.

He comes in late.
He does lousy work.

Twice last week, he had
somebody else punch
his time card for him.

You hate him, Dan?

I hate him.

You want to k*ll him?

I want to k*ll him.

You go k*ll him.

Bring me back some pretzels.

[giggling]

Thank you.

Feeling better?

Oh, Dan.

Hey, uh, I didn't
expect to see you.

I bet you didn't.

Uh, Dan, do you know
my wife Marissa?

No. Hey.
Hello.

What
did the doctor say?

Oh, he, uh, said
I should stay off my feet

And drink plenty of fluids.

Look, pete,
I don't like it

When my people
lie to me.

Your people?
What are you, moses?

Ha ha ha ha!

No, come on.
I'm serious.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're right. I'm busted.

Let me make it up.

Let me buy you
and your wife a beer.

All right. Uh...

I don't want to see you
hung over tomorrow.

Don't worry.

If i'm hung over,
I won't come in.

He'll be on time.
He won't get drunk.

Ha ha.

Ha. So what the hell
was that?

You went over there
to yell at him.

You didn't
do a damn thing.

And
where's my pretzels?

Well,
he's buying us a beer.

I'm handling it.

No, you're not.

You're just gonna bottle
all your anger up,

And then you're
gonna take it home

And take it out
on somebody there.

I got my anger out.
I told him I was upset.

He won't do it again.

Yeah, he will.

Pretty soon,
his lunch breaks

Are gonna start
being longer,

And then his diseases
will be more exotic.

Then his relatives
will start dropping
like flies.

You're wrong.
I can handle him.

I know him, Roseanne.

I am him, Dan.

Now, you got to start
getting tough.

You are gonna have to
start cracking down

On all these people
that give you
a hard time.

Fine. You're fired.

Wish you would have
told me this years ago.

Stop it, Roseanne. You're
really starting to annoy me.

Starting? What, have you
been ignoring me all night?

Look, you don't understand,
Roseanne.

When I came
into this job,

I had guys under me

Who were all mad
they weren't made foreman.

I can't fix every truck
in the city by myself.

I got to get
these guys to like me

So they'll work for me.

That isn't how it works,
Dan.

People don't work for you
because they like you.

They work for you
because they fear you.

That's the way
you work, Roseanne.

That's
not the way I work.

Every boss
i've ever had

Has been a total
hard-ass jerk.

I always swore
I wouldn't be that way.

If I become
one of those guys,

I'll be a hypocrite.

I'm gonna deal
with this my way.

If you don't like it,
that's tough.

Dan, don't freak out.

David's not the first kid
to bring pot in the house.

What?

Jackie, this is gonna be
your shortest visit ever!

Well, you people
argue so much,

I get so confused.

David was smoking pot
in the house?

What is this new
obsession with David
all about?

David! I want
to talk with you
in the kitchen now!

You want to see me
get tough?

No, Dan, not when you're
so damn upset about pete.

That isn't fair to David.

I will handle it, okay?

David should be k*lled
for the right reasons.

Don't forget, now.
It can lead
to other dr*gs

And theft.

And why do you think
they call it dope?

And if you got
a couple of eggs,

Fry those up
and do the brain thing.

They never have
an answer for that.

Something wrong?

David, sit down.

David,

Do you smoke pot?

Me? No. Of course not.
I would never.

Twice.

Well, I found this
in your room today.

Is that yours?

Yes.

Well, David, I guess
I really don't need
to tell you

That dr*gs
can ruin your life,

Leaving you
a physical, emotional,
and spiritual wreck.

And I don't suppose
that I have to tell you

That you can receive
up to years in prison,

According to the latest
federal sentencing guidelines,

And I know because I read that
in outlaw biker magazine.

But I can tell you

That there is a -year-old
boy living here,

And if you ever bring dr*gs
in my house again,

You're out, you got it?

I think so.

Do you have anything
to add, Dan?

You know, you should really
get down on your knees, David,

And thank us,

Because a lot of people
would not be this cool.

I know.

Well?

Thank you for being so cool.

See how low dr*gs
have made you sink,
David?

This...

Is your brain.

Dan, a pan.

And this...

Is your brain on dr*gs.

Got it.

Go to your room, David,

While Mr. Connor and I
decide your punishment.

You really showed
me, Roseanne.

Well, I hope
you took notes, Dan.

Yep. You were tough,
you were firm,

And now
that David fears you,

He'll
never do that again.

And he respects me,
Dan.

Only one thing wrong.

This is your pot,
Roseanne.

What do you mean,
that's my pot?

See how low dr*gs
have made you sink?

Well, Dan,
I think I would remember

Hiding pot in the house.

Not if you were
stoned at the time.

I hid it.

Well, that's just great,
Dan.

A very fine example
you're setting for the kids,

Stealing
their mother's stash.

Honey, I didn't steal it.

I put it away years ago
when we quit.

We quit? I just thought
we were out.

Don't you remember?

You were pregnant
with Becky,

And you told me
to get rid of it.

Then why the hell
didn't you?

I tried to flush it.

But as I watched it
float helplessly...

I thought to myself,
am I really ready

For this part of my life
to be over with?

Next thing you know, I was
down on my hands and knees

With an aquarium net
and your hair dryer.

Oh, god, Dan,
I--I feel terrible.

I blamed David
for pot that was mine.

Do you think
I owe him an apology?

Well,
he said it was his,

So he probably
has some,

And now he's gonna
get rid of it.

We may be on
to something here.

You could yell at him
for something else

And see what he
confesses to.

Have you guys decided
on my punishment yet?

Not yet, young man.

I hope you realize

That you have put us
into a very awkward
position.

I'm really sorry.

Not half as sorry
as I am, mister.

Felt good to apologize.

Hey, Darlene.

David? Where are you?
I can barely hear you.

I'm at a phone booth.

The guy who lives here
is letting me use it.

Well, why don't you
just call from home?

I didn't want your parents
to overhear this.

Oh, I get it.

So what do you want,
abuse or heavy breathing?

I was just wondering

If you might have left
something behind
in your bedroom--

Your socks, your hairbrush,
your marijuana?

What are you talking about?
I don't smoke pot.

Dulls my hatred.

I know you've tried it,
Darlene.

Well, i've tried
sex with you, too.

Doesn't mean
i'm addicted.

Well, if the pot's not yours
and it's not mine,

Then whose is it?

All right, Becky.

Becky?

So then i'm off the hook.

I'll tell your mom
I took the blame

'cause I thought
the pot was yours.

And she'll say,

"well, if you thought
it was Darlene's,

That must mean
she smokes pot."

Well, no. Not necessarily,
Mrs. Connor.

Oh, so she just sells it?

No, of course not, but--

But nothing. Darlene is dead.

When I see her, she's gonna
need dr*gs to k*ll the pain.

Okay, okay. It's mine.

Very good.

You know, the hardest part

Is admitting
you have a problem.

Feeling nostalgic?

No. I just hauled up
the rest of my stuff
from the basement,

And wanted to make sure
there was nothing
incriminating left.

Thought you threw out
the stuff years ago.

No, that was your stuff.

"today is the first day
of the rest of your life."

Yeah. Who knew it was gonna
be such a long, bad day?

Still depressed
about this David thing?

Yeah.

Yeah, well,
make room for daddy.

Today I was a real man.

I took the bull
by the horns.

I fired pete.

What for?

Because you told me to.

Well, Dan, you should
always check with me

Before you do anything
that I told you to do.

I did the right thing.

I handled it
exactly correctly.

Man, I feel terrible.

When did it happen, Roseanne?

When did we go
from doing stuff

To yelling at people
for doing stuff?

When did we get old?

Well...For me,

I guess it was,
uh...

The first time
I ever discussed
the corns on my feet

With
a total stranger.

Mom, can billy
sleep here tonight?

No. He's rude,

And I don't like
his parents.

Well, then, can I
sleep over there?

Yeah, sure.

This is it.

We're old.

We'll be old
for a long, long time.

Then we'll be dead.

You know, we--
we have the house
to ourselves tonight.

No! I'll roll it,
i'll roll it!

You get
too much spit on it.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Roseanne, here's
your comforter back.

You know what that is?

You ain't gonna narc
on us, are you?

What the hell
are you doing?

You're
rolling a joint

After yelling
at David

For bringing pot
in the house?

And you're using
the coffee table
mom gave you?

And you're doing it
all wrong.

[sitar music]

Do you feel anything?

I'm not sure.

Maybe the stuff
is too old.

Did I just say
that sentence out loud?

We're stoned.

Do you have any more
of those pudding pops?

No, this is the last one,
and it's mine.

Well, I want it, Dan.

And if I have to,
I swear to god,

I'm gonna rip
your whole arm off
to get it.

That would suck.

Roseanne.

Hmm.

You are the most wonderful,
beautiful...

Sexy...

You know, thing.

I really,
really love you.

What?

I thought this stuff
would make me feel younger.

All I feel is old
and tired and hungry.

Man, maybe this
is how we got fat.

[woman]
nobody loves me.

Oh, hi, Jackie.
We thought you went home.

What do you mean?
I got nothing.

No boyfriend,
no meaningful job,

No husband, no family.

It's just me.

It's just me
and my ganja.

[door closes]

Did you hear that?

Sounded like somebody's
coming through the front door.

You shouldn't be
all paranoid, Dan!

Birds, birds, birds!

Woo! Don't you hate that
when you're stoned?

I don't like it
any time!

[door closes]

Now don't tell me
you didn't hear that.

Is this the sink?
Am I shrinking?

[knock on door]

[d.J.] mom!

The jig is up!

D.J.

D.J.

D...J.

D.J. D.J.

Did you ever notice
how weird that sounds?

D.J.

Shh!

[whispering]
Dan, maintain.

And...

What do you want,
D.J.?

God, you're right.

I forgot
my sleeping bag.

Where is it?

Oh, well, it is out
behind the house,

You know, past the yard,
you know,

Uh, in that building
back there, you know,

Where your dad always is
with the tools and the car?

Thanks, mom.

Oh, my god.
I'm, like, the worst mother

On the face of the earth.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am, Dan.

I don't even know
where I sent my kid.

Well, say he falls down,
you know,

And--and he breaks
one of his organs,

And he needs a transplant
from me,

But I can't give him
any of my organs

Because they're
all full of pot!

That's not going
to happen, honey.

I just know.

There--
there's just no way

I--I could handle
any kind of crisis thing.

Well, maybe I could.

Oh, god, I just want
our normal lives back!

Were we ever really stupid
enough to enjoy this?

Yes, we were, Dan.

But, you know, that was
a very different time.

There was--
there was a w*r going on.

Everything
was just a lot more fun.

Everything's okay.

We'll just get
the rest of the stuff
and flush it,

And we'll never ever
do this again.

Let's go lay down.

What?

Let's go.

[Jackie]
hey, guys?

I don't think
this stuff is working.

Hey.

Listen, I don't
blame you guys

For getting mad at me,

But i've been thinking
about something,

And I got to tell you
the truth.

The pot you found
in the basement wasn't mine.

It's really important to me
what you guys think about me.

And yeah, i'm not stupid
enough to do dr*gs.

Yeah, I tried it
when I was younger,

But i'm much too mature
and smart now

To do anything that stupid.

I mean, I know guys
at school that do it,

And they're just like
these useless zombies.

There's no eggs
left?