07x08 - Losing My Religion

[bunniefuu]

[drill whirring]

Does everybody
know what time it is?

- Tool Time!
- That's right.

Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

[cheering]

Hey. Thank you.

Thank you all. Oh, please.

Thank you very much. Thank you,
Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time.

I am... hm... Tim
"The Tool Man" Taylor.

Of course, you all know
my assistant, Al Borland.

[aucience cheering, applauding]

Wow.

We have a very special
show for you today.

Tim and I are proud to be
building something for my church.

Thank you, Heidi.

This cabinet will become
a place for the piscina.

Be very careful. They're worth a lot
of money, especially the old piscinas.

You gotta make sure
the piscina fits well.

The new modern piscinas aren't as nice
as the old piscinas, but always be careful.

You have no idea what
a piscina is, do you, Tim?

No.

A piscina is a special basin used
in the disposal of baptismal water,

- leftover wine...
- And maybe those annoying oils?

- Anointing oils.
- Those, too.

So, basically, it's a sink.

It's not an ordinary sink.
See, it has no faucets.

So, it's not even
as good as a sink.

Why don't you take that
up with our special guest?

Let's have a warm
Tool Time welcome

for the minister of the St.
Stephens Episcopal Church.

Heidi, my minister
please, Father Mike Weber.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Father, it's really good
to have you on this show.

I wonder how you feel being the
first holy man to ever be on Tool Time.

Well, I'm not
basking in the glory.

I just hope I get out alive.

You don't have much to worry about,
since you have an in with the big guy.

And I'm not talking about Al.

Father, I was trying to explain
to Tim exactly what a piscina is.

- Would you care to elaborate?
- It's a sink.

[mocking]

The difference is, it's a
sink that's been blessed.

So, you need to find a
blessed plumber. That's hard.

"Oh, Father, forgive
me. I've overcharged.

Your trap wasn't stuck at all."

You don't need a plumber, actually,
Tim. It's a very simple concept.

It's a basin, with a pipe that
goes directly into the ground

so that the sacred fluids
go right back into the earth.

The piscina is a thousand
year old tradition in the church

and it's symbolic of
many wondrous miracles.

Thank you, Father. [mocking]

The most wonderful miracle
is, it's so simple to install,

- even you can't destroy it.
- [laughing]

We'll finish our
installation here.

We really appreciate
this. Al, thank you so much.

Our pleasure.

We're very excited about
receiving it on Sunday.

Is there a special prayer you have
when a sacred object is destroyed?

Yes, there is.

You break it, you buy it.

Breathe in and out.

And in and out.

Beautiful.

[groaning]

Now, every yoga session ends
with a very special sensation.

Pain?

Inner peace.

This exercise is
Uncle Wilson's favorite.

It's called Shava-asana. Lie
down in the position of a corpse.

[door opening]

You guys had some of
Mom's meatloaf, huh?

I heard that.

- Hey, Tim.
- Hello, Willow.

You ever try yoga?

Nope. No matter what they do to
it, it still doesn't taste like ice cream.

Well, I hope you guys
enjoyed your first session.

- [groaning]
- Yeah, I loved it.

It's the first time I've ever
seen the back of my neck.

Now that you've
seen it, wash it.

- See you guys.
- Where you going?

To school to sign up to
volunteer at the hospice home.

It's great you're doing it,

but working with people who
are dying isn't gonna be easy.

I know, but think how
tough things are for them.

I could have never handled
this at your age. It's really cool.

Dad, this isn't about cool.

The concept of hospice is an
alternative to the medical establishment.

Which is a greedy,
doctor-controlled bureaucracy

that's death-oriented
instead of life-oriented.

They never heat up
those rubber gloves, either.

What will you be
doing at the hospice?

I'll be spending my time
with a woman named Elaine.

We'll play cards, watch videos.

Why don't you take her
some old Tool Time videos?

The woman has suffered enough.

Hi, I'm here to
see Elaine Jenkins.

You must be Randy.

Elaine's not back from
her walk. Have a seat.

OK.

[sound of flatulence]

Well, I was wondering
where I left that.

I also misplaced my
darn seltzer bottle.

I just keep losing all my props.

- Wilson?
- No, no, no, not today.

When I volunteer for the
children I am Bubbles the clown.

- [squeaking]
- [chuckling]

Oh, Becky, would you like
to put these in some water?

Bubbles, I don't have any water.

Well, you do now.

[chuckling]

I didn't know you volunteered
here at the hospice.

- Today's my first day.
- It's a wonderful place.

I think you're gonna get
a lot of good stuff out of it.

I don't know. Ever since I
got here I've been nervous.

I don't want to say
or do the wrong thing.

Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You know, Randy, I'm
reminded of the Book of Sirach,

which says a faithful
friend is a medicine for life.

So, I should just relax
and try to be supportive?

Exactly. If you want you can always
borrow my size clodhoppers.

They're a great icebreaker.

Well, hello, ladies.
How are you?

- [squeaking]
- See you, Randy.

- Randy, Elaine's back
from her walk.
- Oh.

Hi. I'm Randy Taylor. Are you
OK? Do you want to sit down?

I probably should after
that two mile power walk,

but she's Elaine. I work here.

She's my nurse.

I keep telling her to live
life and get off her bony butt.

[chuckling]

Wow. You power walk?

I also dress myself
and cut my own meat.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...
- Hey.

I'm having fun with you.

- Aren't I allowed to have fun?
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Fun, fun, fun!

Well, Randy, would
you like to see this place?

Sure. I'm dying to.

I mean, I'd love to.

- This is home.
- It's very nice.

Thank you.

Is this your family?

Yes. That's my son, Steven
and my daughter, Nancy.

- Both asked me
to move in with them.
- Why didn't you?

Well, one lives in California
and one lives in Florida.

I hate surfing and old people.

You know, the worst
is old people who surf.

[imitating old man] Get out of
my pipeline. I'm surfing here.

I am staying here in Detroit
until the Lions win a Super Bowl.

You're gonna be here awhile.

I'm counting on it.

You know, Randy, when the
doctors diagnosed me with cancer,

they said I only had
six months to live.

That was three years ago.

- That's fantastic.
- Doctors! What do they know?

Tell me about it.

They run tests, come
up with their expert diagnosis,

toss people in the hospital
for thousands of dollars.

If they're not sick enough to die,
they've got no money left to live.

You seem a little bitter.

I've been reading about the
health care crisis in this country.

It just makes me really mad.

It is so refreshing to
meet a young person

who has such strong
convictions and beliefs.

I've been questioning
a lot of things lately.

Corruption of the
political establishment,

lack of ethics in
corporate America,

hypocrisy of organized religion.

There are just so many things in
this world that people follow blindly.

Never be a follower.

You stick to your g*ns
and don't ever lose your fire.

You sure haven't lost yours.

Well, that's what
keeps me going.

That, and hiding props
from that annoying clown.

[beeping horn]

Oh, hi. How did it
go at the hospice?

Unbelievable. Elaine
was so full of life.

She was an inspiration.

Speaking of inspiration,

Al has invited us to
his church this Sunday.

They're honoring
your father's sink.

It's not a sink. It's an
extremely religious basin.

It's called a Pasadena.

Look, uh... I don't want to
make a big deal out of this,

but I'm not going with
you guys on Sunday.

- Do you have to
work at the hospice?
- No.

Does going to Al's church
make you a little uncomfortable?

No. Going to any church
makes me uncomfortable.

I've been thinking
and I just realized

organized religion doesn't
make any sense to me.

It doesn't make any sense to
anyone, but they still go to church.

Randy, this family's always
gone to church together.

I know, but for a long time I've
been questioning why I'm there.

Question all you want to, as
long as your butt's in that pew.

Dad, I just believe people can
experience God in different ways.

Does this have anything
to do with the hospice?

Yeah. Being there reminded me
how important it is to question things.

The answers don't have anything
to do with organized religion.

I think it's great that you're
examining your life on a deeper level.

Are you sure that you want to
abandon everything you've believed in?

- Especially a religion.
- Dad, I'm not abandoning God.

It's just, sitting in that church goes
against my convictions and beliefs.

Convictions and beliefs?

What do they have
to do with religion?

What makes Randy think he can
get away with not going to church?

I don't think he's trying
to get away with anything.

Randy's wrestling with
major philosophical issues.

We can't force him
to share our beliefs.

We're gonna have to be open-minded
and allow him to find his own.

What if he starts believing
something we don't like?

What if he joins a cult that
worships chicken parts?

He'll never go hungry.

I don't think this
is real funny, Jill.

What is this? You're
not exactly Mr. Religious.

Half the time in
church you fall asleep.

But I'm in the
building, so I get credit.

Is that what this is about?

- That's God's plan.
- God's plan?

Yes, you go to
church, you get credit.

You fall asleep,
you lose a credit.

You understand the
sermon, you get extra credit.

If you get enough credits, you can
bypass hell and upgrade right to heaven.

That's a real
spiritual approach.

My parents forced me to go to church
and I'm a better person because of it.

My parents forced me to go.
I'm a better person in spite of it.

So, either way it works, huh?

Man, I'm never doing yoga again.

Hey, Dad, you know a lot about
pain. What do you do for back spasms?

I go to church and
I don't ask why.

Gin. [laughing]

One, two. Well...

You owe me $ , .

- Settle for a stick of gum?
- No.

Cash or your pants.

I'll owe ya. You're one
heck of a card player.

That's what they said in Vegas.

Before they kicked me
out for counting cards.

Luckily, I got a
gig driving a truck.

Wait a second.
You drove a big rig?

An -wheeler.

I met my husband at
a truck stop in Reno.

I divorced him at the next one.

- You think that's funny?
- Yeah.

No.

- Is any of this true?
- Some of it.

- You ever been to Vegas?
- Yeah. Went last year.

Got a fake i.d., hooked up with
a showgirl, and won grand.

- Any of that true?
- Not a word.

[laughing]

- [knocking on door]
- Come in.

Well, hi-ho!

Well, clowny, you
just come right in here.

I think somebody
wants to be entertained.

Well, entertain this.

Great news. I have a
date for Saturday night.

Oh, yeah? Where are
you and your mom going?

[chuckling] No, no.

My date's name is Gina and I'm
gonna be double dating with a friend.

- Hey, Al. All set.
- There he is. Right.

Gina can't wait to meet you. The
four of us are going to the Blues Barrel.

I dig the blues.

♪ Ba da da da dah ♪

♪ I was born on a Monday ♪

♪ Ba da da da dah ♪

♪ It sure was a fun day ♪

Hey, this is working.

Now I got the blues.

Wait a minute. You
two are double dating?

Why? Don't you think a
minister can go have fun?

Not with Al.

After the blues club maybe we can go
to Mr. Tasty's for some soft-serve cones.

All right, you wild
man! Come on!

Gina will love that. She's big.

All right.

- I'll dig you later.
- We'll have fun Saturday.

- The piscina looks great.
- Thanks.

I hope you and your family
come to the dedication.

Yeah, me too. Um...

- Can I talk to you
for a minute?
- Sure.

Want me to bless the flathead?

Not today. I'm having a little
trouble with my -year-old son.

- Is it serious?
- I think so.

He's having a
problem with your boss.

The bishop?

The boss?

Springsteen?

His boss.

- Oh, oh.
- Yeah, yeah.

He doesn't want to go to church.
I don't know how to make him.

Make him go? I've
got a teenage son.

- Can't make a
-year-old do anything.
- Yeah.

That's what I'm afraid of.

But if I don't try,
then the kid may...

- Wind up on the wrong path?
- Well...

It's like he's been cruising
along in a great line,

then all of a sudden he gets off an
exit and there he is, on Telegraph.

Yeah. Potholes,
permanent construction.

- I used to race on Telegraph.
- There were some
sporting races.

One night some kid took this
beautiful Chevelle Super Sport, a ' .

He just corkscrewed off a
turn and the idiot wrecked it.

- I was there. I was there, yeah.
- That was a cherry car.

The guy must have built
it but he couldn't handle it.

No, no, no, he
could handle it. Look.

It was a ' , it was a Nova, and the
kid did all... Let's talk about Randy!

Tell me a bit about him.

- He's a great kid.
- Mm-hmm.

He does stuff I would
never think of doing.

At I was always spending
time around garages.

Every day... Except
Sunday morning.

Yeah. Let me ask you, what kind
of stuff does he do in his spare time?

Volunteers. Last year he
worked at a soup kitchen.

This year he's volunteering
at a hospice house.

- That's very admirable.
- Yeah.

What kind of stuff do you
do in your spare time, Tim?

Well, I work on
the hot rod here.

I'm gonna drop this flathead
into a ' Ford convertible.

- That's gonna cook, man.
- Yeah.

It's kind of funny, you know.

Some people, uh, take their
spare time and work on their cars

and go to church on Sunday.

Others take their spare
time to help their fellow man

and then choose
not to go to church.

Are you saying I'm not as
good a Christian as my kid?

- It's not a contest.
- If it were, who would
you give better odds?

Look, I'm not the Lord's bookie.

I'm sure you're familiar with the last
words of a typical Episcopalian service?

"We're number one!"

What I always say is, "Go in
peace to love and serve the Lord".

If you think about it, that's
what Randy's doing, isn't it?

I never thought of it that way.

- He's in good shape.
- Thanks for talking to me.

- OK, sure. Well,
see you Sunday.
- You bet.

Unless I find some other
way to do the Lord's work.

Nice try, but I don't think dropping
a flathead into a convertible

qualifies as the Lord's work.

Unless you donate the car to me.

- See you Sunday.
- See you Sunday.

- Hey, Becky.
- Oh, Randy, hold on a sec.

Elaine can't see anybody today.

- When should I come back?
- She took a turn for the worse.

She doesn't want
visitors anymore.

But, I mean, come on, it's me.

I'm her gin partner. I
gotta win my money back.

I know. Listen, she
told me to give you this.

[beeping horn]

So, what did Father Mike
say that changed your mind?

Well, he made me understand that
even though Randy has a problem

with organized religion, volunteering
is his way of going to church.

- Thought I should
be more open-minded.
- That's what I said.

I know, but it had more
impact coming from a minister

who bar hops with Al.

Just the man I want to talk
to. Randy, hold on a sec.

I think I understand how you
feel about not going to church.

That's great, Dad.

- Is there something wrong?
- Elaine didn't want to see me.

Why not?

Doctor said she took
a turn for the worse.

Oh, Randy.

It's amazing. It's just like
yesterday she's sitting there laughing,

telling me stories, hiding the
whoopee cushion from Wilson.

I know it's not easy, but you knew
something like this was gonna happen.

I thought I did.

I guess I convinced myself
that my spending time with Elaine

would make some
kind of difference.

Hey, come on, buddy.
You made a difference.

You brought a lot of
happiness into her life.

Yeah, but she's still gonna die.

You know, here I think I
have all my beliefs figured out.

It's sure not
working for me now.

It's not easy for anybody to
understand sickness and death.

We spend our whole lives
trying to figure stuff like this out.

I've spent a long time trying to
understand why my father d*ed so young.

- How'd you ever get through it?
- Patience, grieving,

a little bit of prayer.

Maybe I should say
a prayer for Elaine.

It would be a good idea.

There's a place where people get
together and pray for God's protection.

Dad, I'm not going to church.

I was talking about Tool Time.

This is really cool
that you're doing this.

Dad, this isn't about cool.

I mean, the whole
s... Um... Sorry!

Dad, this is more than
cool. That's not it, either.

This isn't about cool.

This isn't about
cool. [laughing]

I can't look at him!

Just hold that there.