07x18 - Futile Attraction

[bunniefuu]

Hi. And welcome back
to our Tool Time salute...

Ohhhhhh!

...to golf.

Let's get to it.
We have a very special guest for you.

That's right. He's number eight in
all-time earnings on the PGA tour.

He's in town at the Golf Expo.

Let's give a warm Tool Time
welcome to Payne Stewart.

Thanks for making time
to be on the show. You know...

You'd think with the
kind of cash you're pulling down,

you could afford
the rest of those trousers.

Tim, when you're in the public eye,
you have to have a trademark.

With me, it's knickers.
With you, it's burns and abrasions.

Well, Mr. Stewart,
first things first.

How does one go about
choosing the right driver?

- Well, it depends on your ability.
- OK.

- Now, what's your handicap, Al?
- Tim.

Actually, it's .

Then along with a few lessons,
you'll want a driver like this.

- With an expanded sweet spot.
- All right.

Tim, what's your handicap?

Payne, Payne, Payne...

What's a handicap? I think golf is more
of a Zen-like, jujitsu type of thing.

His handicap is .

You guys think you're so good?

Why don't we take a sh*t at my golf
simulator and have a driving contest?

Klaus!

Now, the way that this machine works
is there are sensors in the pad

which measure the velocity
and the striking angle of the club.

The vector and the velocity
is then measured...

Al, shut up and sh**t the thing,
will you?

Vector velocities.

Ninety-five yards.
Nice sh*t, miss.

All right, Payne.
Let's see what you got.

See what we can come up with here.

Two hundred-ninety-one
yards. Nice drive.

Wow. That was a great drive.
Well, I guess this contest is over.

Not so fast.
Heidi, why don't we bring out my driver?

- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.

- And what would this be?
- I know what this is.

This is a special driver designed for
senior citizens to get more distance.

They don't even have to swing it because
it's got caliber charge in it.

Not anymore.

I bored it out to a magnum.

- That's cheating.
- Welcome to my world.

Stand back, guys.

All right.

Fire in the hole.

You the man.

Where are you going in that shirt?

Well, it's happy hour at The Tiki Hut.

You gotta get there by five o'clock,
or the pupu platter is picked clean.

Do you actually meet women there?
Or just go there to pig out on pupu?

Well, I haven't met anyone yet.

But I'm forming a social network of
people with similar interests.

People who eat dinner off toothpicks
in the middle of the afternoon.

It's a lot of fun.
Why don't you join me for a drink?

I'd like to.
You know how I love fresh pupu.

But Jill's got the flu and I'm stopping
by the pharmacy to pick up medication.

Anything you suggest?

These days I'm strictly homeopathic.

No wonder you're not meeting any women.

If that's how you feel, fine.

Goodnight, Al.
Goodnight, Tim.

- Heidi, is anything wrong?
- No, nothing.

Are you sure?

Well, actually,
Scott and I have separated.

He moved out
a couple weeks ago.

Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you
say something about this before?

Because I didn't want to bring my
personal problems to work.

Why not?

Because you said, "Don't ever bring
your personal problems to work."

Since when do you listen to me?

Since you said,
"I had better start listening to you."

Nice going, Mr. Compassion.

I might need a little
time off from the show.

- Take as much as you need.
- Thanks.

I gotta go drop off Amy at Scott's.
He's got her this week.

We can't leave Heidi alone
when she's this upset.

Take her to the Tiki Hut.

Well, nothing raises one's spirits
like a fistful of pot stickers.

She doesn't need food.
She needs a shoulder to cry on, OK?

Well, I'm not exactly an
expert on relationships, Tim.

But you're a good friend and you're a
good listener. Come on, do it for Heidi.

- Do it for the show.
- For the show?

If she's too upset to come back, you'll
have to squeeze into one of the skirts.

- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.

What are you doing with
all these mail-order catalogs?

Now that I'm sick, I finally have
time to look through them.

You gotta see this.

"The World's Best
Earwax Removal System".

And if you act now, they'll toss in
"The World's Best Bunion Scraper".

All right, off we go.

Yeah. We're going to the mall
to pick up some CD's.

You know what? I'll go with you.

Wait a minute.
You don't have to go anywhere.

I've got a music catalog that'll save
you money. Look at this.

Fifteen CD's for a penny.

Well, it sounds great.
But who's Pat Boone?

- We'll be home before dinner.
- OK.

- Hey, guys.
- Hello, Dad.

Well, honey, how are you feeling?

How do I look?

That's what I thought.

- Help is on the way. Look what I got.
- Oh.

Ibuprofen. I got antihistamines.
I got decongestants, analgesics.

I got daytime decongestant.
I've got nighttime decongestant.

You take two of everything here and that
flu'll be out of your system in an hour.

If I take two of everything here,
I'll be dead in an hour.

Think it'll take the whole hour?

- So, how was work today?
- Not so good.

- Heidi's marriage is in trouble.
- What?

- Yeah. She and Scott are separated.
- Oh, my God. That's terrible.

Apparently, it hasn't
been good for quite a while.

Oh, no. I have to call her.
She probably wants a woman to talk to.

It's all taken care of.
She's having dinner with Al.

That's a good question. The show's
about to begin. Enjoy yourselves.

- Heidi?
- Hi, Tim.

I thought you needed time off.

I did, too. But then I
had dinner with Al.

- He put everything in perspective.
- You and Scott getting back together?

I don't know. But I've
made it over this first hurdle.

Al really helped me
get in touch with my rage.

Hm. No one brings out rage
better than Al.

- Good morning, Tim.
- Hi, Al.

I don't know what you talked about with
Heidi. But it did a lot of good.

Well, last night was pretty
incredible for me, too, you know.

We talked about everything from the
weather to intimate details of her life.

Forget the weather.
How about the other stuff?

Well, basically, you know, after Amy
was born, Heidi didn't feel very sexual.

Scott wasrt understanding and that
turned Heidi off to sex even more.

- So they're not... uh...
- No. No. Not for a while.

Huh. But before the baby,
Oh, my God!

What? What?

Well, I've already said too much. I
don't want to betray Heidi's confidence.

- I can respect that.
- OK.

Now, I could guess some things.
If I'm real close, you could just nod.

Everybody know
what time it is?

Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and

Al "The most sensitive guy
in the world" Borland! Woo-hoo!

Good morning.

Good morning.
Wait a minute. Hold on.

Something's different.
Let me guess.

You did something with your hair,
didn't you?

It's a sinus mask. OK? But if it
doesn't work, it's totally returnable.

I'd love to be the
second owner of that thing.

Before you waste more money,
Al's got a bunch of h*m* remedies.

Why don't I call him?

Speaking of work, how's Heidi doing?

Very well, thanks to Al. And he's
really taking care of her problems.

Heidi must be grateful
to have a friend like Al.

Stay in the shower, Al. I got it.
Good morning. Borland residence.

Uh, wrong number. Bye-bye.

- Who was it?
- It sounded like one of the Muppets.

Is something wrong?

Heidi just answered the phone at
Al's house at : in the morning.

She must've spent the night there.
Now I feel sick.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I've got this image
of Al and Heidi.

Get out of my head!
Get out of my head!

Heidi did not sleep with Al.
First of all, she's a married woman.

And second of all, she, she
wouldn't go for a guy like Al.

Her husband is tall and handsome.

I mean, he spends more time at the gym
than Al does at Hickory Farms.

Honey, I'm not saying that it happened.

But I could understand how a woman like
Heidi could fall for a guy like Al.

In what universe?

Women like Heidi have had
the gorgeous hunks.

The second time around, they want
somebody less exciting, more dependable.

Me... I went for number two first.

You don't understand.
You do not understand.

Al is like a dependable
four-door Rambler...

...and Heidi like a
twelve-cylinder Ferrari.

They don't belong in the same garage.

And yet she parked overnight there.

Nothing happened!

But I won't rest until
I find out what's going on.

Oh, Tim. Look, even if they were
parked in the same garage,

you are not their mechanic.
You're just being petty.

Oh, I'm being petty?

Yeah. Why should you be the only
one with an incredibly desirable woman?

- Hi, Al.
- Hey.

Hey, would you help me put my tool belt
on? I just touched up my nails.

- Okey-dokey.
- Thank you.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

I just want to tell you how wonderful
it's been for me these past few days.

Well, it's been pretty incredible for
me, too. You're really a special lady.

Thanks. You have a good show.

- You, too.
- OK.

- Morning, Tim.
- Is it?

Hey! How are you doing, buddy?

Good.

You know, I, uh, called your house this
morning and Heidi answered the phone.

- So, you're Kermit?
- Maybe.

Uh-huh.

Well, anyway,
Jill and I got to talking and

we were thinking that maybe
you and Heidi were...

What?

You know.

Even though I told her that a Rambler
couldn't jump-start a Ferrari.

But, you know...

So you're saying it would be impossible
for Heidi to be interested in Al?

No. I don't believe it.
But other people are talking.

Well, those other people
can think what they want.

Amen. Amen.

But, uh, would those other people
be right or would they be wrong?

Well, Tim, are you asking me
to talk about my personal life at work?

Yes. I think it's about time we
opened up and shared our experiences.

OK. I, uh, I actually have
something I'd like to share.

Let it go.
Don't hold anything back.

The truth is, Heidi and I...

Yeah? Yeah?

...are entitled to our privacy.

There's bucks well spent.

Hey, this happens to be
the world's best tissue disposer.

It shreds, decontaminates,
and deodorizes.

I wonder if it would
work on your meatloaf.

I'll be back in about an hour.
All right?

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go over to Al's
house and do some repairs.

- Dad, it's ten o'clock at night.
- I'm a conscientious landlord, son.

The same landlord who said, "Al, do you
really need heat in February?"

What are you gonna fix
with these binoculars?

That is such an insulting question
I'm not even gonna answer it.

You have sunk this low.
You're gonna go spy on poor Al.

I just don't want him hurt.
I'm gonna need those back.

No. Forget about it.
You're not going there.

There's nothing wrong
with being curious.

You are not curious;
you're obsessed.

I'm not obsessed.

Last night you cried out
their names in your sleep.

And after that I just cried.

It's t*rture having this image
filling up my brain.

Especially with space
at such a premium.

Ooh. Something smells good out
here, Wilson. What are you doing?

I'm boiling up some sap
for the Michigan Maple Festival.

Speaking of saps, wait till
you hear what Al's been doing.

You don't have to tell me.
I've heard all about it.

What?

What Al told me
is in strictest confidence.

- Well, you know, Wilson...
- Mm-hm?

...I could get you
a riding mower from Binford.

Sixteen-horse rear-bagger
for cost plus ten.

Sorry, neighbor.
I can't be bought.

Why would Al tell you and not me?

Well, maybe because I didn't
search his locker for long brown hairs.

Which, according to the lab, either
belonged to a collie or Al's mother.

Tim, why are you so interested
in Al and Heidi's personal life?

I don't know. I've never cared
about Al's personal life before.

And I've never asked Heidi about hers.
But you put the two of them together...

There's that image again.

Tim, have you ever heard
of the term "cognitive dissonance?"

You know I'm not into politics.

Cognitive dissonance is when pieces of
our lives no longer make sense.

Beliefs we always held true seem to be
false so we reorder our way of thinking.

Are you saying a Rambler
could hook bumpers with a Ferrari?

It's very possible.

No, no. If what you say is true
then everything I believe is false.

- Now, Tim. That's not necessarily...
- Let me go with this for a minute. OK?

This means that maybe cars aren't the
most important thing in the world.

- Ohh...
- No, wait a minute.

Opera's more manly than football?

- Neighbor...
- Al's mother is thin?

Tim, it's not easy to change one's
perceptions. But it can be very healthy.

Some people might say
it's a growth experience.

OK, Wilson. How far does this go?

How do I really know you are
who I think you are?

- How do I know you're who I think?
- How do I know you said that?

- How do I know you heard?
- How do I know you're here?

Who else would have the time to come out
and listen to this silly conversation?

Hey, Al.
Can I talk to you for a minute?

I don't think so.

I'm not gonna feed your appetite for
lurid gossip and tawdry innuendo.

And, by the way,
I installed an alarm on my locker.

I shouldn't have gotten
involved in your personal life.

From now on, your business
is your business, all right?

Well, I appreciate that.

If there's any other part of my life you
want to talk about, I'm an open book.

I'm not much of a reader. Thanks.

- Have a good show.
- OK.

- Good morning, Al.
- How are ya?

- Oh, I feel so great this morning.
- Oh, I feel pretty great myself.

How about Sorentino's
for dinner tonight?

All week long it's
"Fettuccine Madness"!

- I'm afraid I can't make it.
- Why not?

Well, thanks to the things you
said, I saw Scott last night.

And we're gonna get back together.
Isn't that great?

Oh, that's so great! Yes, that's...
Good for you!

- Thanks. I got you a something.
- You didn't have to do that.

- I wanted to. Here.
- Oh, thank you.

I also want to thank you for letting me
sleep on your hide-a-bed.

Well, now I call it the Heidi-bed.

Good.

Oh, it's The Tiki Hut Cookbook!

- Do you like it?
- I love this!

Now I can make pupu at home.

Hey, Al.
Thank you for everything.

Oh, well...

Uh, Heidi... Uh... can I
just talk to you about one thing?

Sure. What?

Well, after that night
you stayed at my house,

Tim got this crazy idea that,
that you and I might have...

How do I say this?

- Slept together.
- Yeah. OK. Yeah, that's it.

And he thought that was impossible

because he doesn't think
a beautiful woman like you

could ever be interested in,
in a guy like me.

Oh, is that so?

Well, let me tell you something, Al.

If I werert married, you're exactly
the type of guy I'd be looking for.

Thank you. I wish,
I wish Tim could hear you say that.

You know, I don't think Tim
really needs to hear anything.

- Howdy, Wilson.
- Hidy-ho.

Not hidy-ho.
Let's talk Heidi-Al.

Tim, are you still
obsessing about that?

Well, I wasrt until today
when I saw Heidi kissing Al.

And no peck on the cheek.
She just drove it home.

- Tim.
- Yeah?

Get a hobby.

Good-night.

I think you're right
about what you said yesterday.

Nothing's right with me. I think I am
suffering from communist discotheque.

Tim, can we chat about this tomorrow?
I am a little busy.

Wilson, where do you keep
a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover?

I gotta get some new friends.

You'd think with all the money
you pull down

you could afford the rest
of those pantaloonies...

You'd think with the money you make...

I have... I have... I have...

I have to say the word
"culottes" just once.

You don't want to be the only one
with a desirable woman.