07x22 - Believe It or Not

[bunniefuu]

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools
is proud to present...

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And you all know my assistant,
Hugh Hefty.

All week long we've been showing you
things that make mers lives easier.

Yesterday it was wives with laryngitis.

But today it's our Tool Time salute...

To remote control.

The first television remote
was connected to the TV with a wire.

- It was invented in .
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Al, my dad had a wireless remote control
that was voice-activated in .

- Tim, that's impossible.
- No, it's not. It was called Mom.

Ladies, write to Tim Taylor,
care of Tool Time, PO Box ...

A lot of popular toys these days
are remote control,

cars, boats, planes, even submarines,
but here's my favorite one here.

- What would that be?
- The company calls it a flying saucer.

It looks more like a blimp to me.

I can't believe you'd be interested
in this. It's quiet, simple, slow.

Just like you, Al.

I've installed a little spy camera
on it. Watch this.

Hey, what do you think this is,
the teachers' lounge? Put out that butt.

Oh, the humanity!

Can we get back to the show now?

We wouldn't want to muddy up
the show with entertainment.

OK, now we get to the ultimate
in remote control.

- What would that be?
- It's called virtual reality.

You become the remote control.
You become part of the action.

- What kind of action?
- You name it. Car racing, football...

How about basketball? How would you like
to go one-on-one with Grant Hill?

- That would be great!
- Slip these on.

These are virtual-reality
optical sensing devices.

The circuitry must be incredibly small.
They look like regular sunglasses.

Now, slip your hand into this.
This is a tactile sensory device.

Well, this looks just like the work
glove that disappeared out of my locker.

When I turn on the machine, there
might be a bright light, so watch out.

- Now, turn around.
- Oh, my gosh! It's Grant Hill!

Man!

It's like... it's like he's right here.
I can almost touch him.

Come on, Round Man.
Show me what you got.

You really have to dribble it. Yeah!

All right. I'll just give him
my patented jump sh*t.

I guess flannel men can't jump.

Man! Well, I don't have to jump.
I can just blow by you.

You're a virtual reality.

I can just blow right by...

- Wow, that hurts.
- Well, it didn't really hurt, did it?

It was just virtual pain.

Aah!

Did I scare you, Wilson?

Well, not you.
It's that flying baked potato.

Well, the manufacturer says
it looks like an alien spaceship.

I think it looks like
a big Jiffy Pop container.

I tend to agree. A real spaceship would
have some form of internal propulsion.

- Should look more like a saucer.
- An iridescent glow.

- A low hum.
- diamond-shaped windows in a row.

The flying saucer
out of Forbidden Planet

or The Day The Earth Stood Still?.

- I wasrt talking about a movie.
- What were you talking about?

- Well, nothing. Oh, look at the rain.
- Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Were you talking about a... a real UFO?

- Maybe.
- Have you seen a real UFO?

Maybe.

- Come on. It's just us out here.
- Maybe.

You know, Tim,
I've never told anybody this,

but one night when I was living
with my parents

outside the Turkish city
of Cappadocia...

...I saw an alien craft land.

Did you see little green men
come out of it?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
These men were bluish-gray.

Assuming they were men. I didn't see
any sexually distinguishing features.

Well, you had just met.

Oh, I tell you, it was an amazing thing.
I'll never forget it.

Well, how'd the night go?
Some cocktails and a quick probe?

Oh, Tim!
I never should've told you about this.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Wilson.
I understand completely what happened.

Have you been inside
shellacking all day?

If you don't get enough ventilation,
it can really...

I do that, I think I'm Aquaman.

What are those?

In case I don't get
that soccer scholarship,

I need to figure out
a great place to go to college.

The University of Hawaii.

Cancún College.

Virgin Islands State?

You going to college or on a cruise?

All these schools
have great academic programs.

Is that why you divided them
into beach schools and ski schools?

- Hi, guys.
- What's up, Mom?

Are you looking at school catalogs?

Yeah, I think it's about time
I get serious about college.

It's nice to see you motivated
about continuing your education.

Randy, you could use
those same catalogs.

Or I could call my travel agent.

Still looking at these weird schools?

Why don't you check into
Iwo Jima Community College?

- I had a weird discussion with Wilson.
- What's new with him?

He claims he had an encounter
with space aliens.

He saw these blue-green creatures

when he stayed with his folks
in a Turkish town, Cappuccino.

Were they covered in foam
and sprinkled with cinnamon?

He said he had an encounter
with extraterrestrials.

Or he dipped into the festival wine
a bit early.

Well, I wouldn't dismiss him
so quickly, guys.

I mean, there has been
lots of documentation

about peoples' encounters with aliens.

You think there's a real possibility?

There's some
really respected institutions

that have entire departments
devoted to paranormal studies.

Ooh, yeah.
The department of ooo-eee-ooo.

With all the money
spent on research,

they don't have proof alien life exists.

They don't have proof it doesn't.

Well, I guess we know who are
the sane members of this family.

Don't lump me in with you.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Timmy.

Harry called me, said my saw blade
was in. Where is Harry?

- He's home with a nasty bug.
- What, a parasite?

Close. Dolores.

He's home with the flu.
A reciprocating saw?

- Yeah, it was.
- I know where he put it.

Hand me a cup, will you?

Do you guys
think that alien life exists?

I hope so. That way I'd have a chance
with another species.

Yeah. I can see it now.

You're gently holding
her eight-fingered hand.

While you stare into that one big eye.

And try to figure out
which set of lips to kiss.

I know you're messing with me,
but I'm still getting a little hot.

I'm talking about extraterrestrials.

Why would a guy need more than two?

Here's your saw. What's so funny?

Wilson claims
he saw an extraterrestrial.

Where? His family reunion?

Extraterrestrial.
Like an alien, spaceships...

- Well, hi-ho, fellas.
- Hey.

- Hey, Wilson.
- Not a word.

You know, Al, I need
some one-half-inch carriage bolts.

- They're right over here on aisle .
- Mm-hm.

Would those carriage bolts be for you
or are you taking 'em to your leader?

- My leader?
- Yeah, you know...

Did you tell them? I thought
this was just between the two of us.

It's just between the five of us.
It'll go no further than that.

- Did you tell Jill and the boys?
- All right, the nine of us.

We're sorry, Wilson.
We didn't mean to alienate you.

Marty, come on!

I didn't come to this hardware store
to be ridiculed.

Try Larry's Hardware.
Today's their "going out of orbit" sale.

- Hey, guys!
- Well, Tim, thanks a lot.

You have made me
the laughingstock of the neighborhood.

I only told nine people, Wilson. Honest.

- Here's your mail, Al.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Milton.
- Hey, guys.

Oh, Wilson, something for you, too.
A sweepstakes letter from Ed McMartian.

Come on out, Wilson, and talk to me.
Come on. I know you're in there.

At least come out and wave
at my little spy cam, Wilson.

You'll enjoy surfing,
kayaking and volleyball

on our beautiful
white sugar sand beaches.

Wow, that looks great.
What is this, the Leisure Channel?

No. It's a recruiting video
from the University of Maui.

I don't think you're going to a college

that's nicer than where
I spent my honeymoon.

Arert you supposed to be studying?

While you're overlooking the Pacific,

you could earn your PhD in marine
biology, art history or psychology.

Hello!

Well, now every time I try to talk
to Wilson, he just sh**t me down.

Wilsors not talking to you
'cause you really hurt his feelings.

I didn't mean to hurt his feelings.
It's just that alien stuff is so crazy.

You see? That's the attitude
that he's reacting to.

Whenever you don't understand
something, you just make fun of it.

I do that even when I understand things.

You're gonna have to learn to pull back.

When a thought enters your mind, it
doesn't have to sh**t out of your mouth.

If I could change things, I would.

Because all I've done now
is alienate the one person

whose opinion really matters to me.

- What about me?
- What about you?

If you want Wilson to know that you care
about what's important to him,

you're gonna have to make a gesture.

How about..."Please!"?

No. It works for me, but...

You should do some research on the stuff
that Wilsors been talking about.

You'll be well-informed and it'll show
that you take him seriously.

I gotta have an intelligent conversation
about stuff that doesn't exist.

- Right.
- Government cover-ups.

Secret bases in the desert
that no one knows what goes on there.

And big crop circles.
What's that all about?

And big balloon-headed things that
look like they ate too many almonds.

Nighttime abductions, big bright lights,

and ships that scream in
and always get people with no teeth...

Wow. Look at that girl.

Better hope Mom doesn't catch you
looking at this magazine.

No, this is a college catalog
I got today. It's from Tahiti Tech.

Man, they let a student
walk around campus like that?

She's the dean.

- OK. What do we do?
- We're all booted up.

Access the server, double-click on the
browser icon, and we're surfing the Net.

OK. years ago no one
would've understood that sentence,

and today it's just me.

- I start typing in the subject here?
- Yeah. Try UFO.

Good idea.
Probably a few websites, huh?

There's , websites.

I guess Wilsors
not the only one seeing things.

There's a lot of nut cases out there.

See what they're saying
in the chat room.

A UFO chat room. I bet it's padded.

Unbelievable. People all over the world
have documented sightings like Wilsors.

Come on, Dad. Don't tell me you're
starting to take this stuff seriously.

It's not easy to ignore, you know?

There's even government documents

that show strange phenomena
they just can't refute.

No, Dad. Come on.
Crop circles, Roswell cover-up.

And, you know, Elvis is alive
and running a laundromat in Cleveland.

Uh-uh. It's a doughnut shop in Dayton.

You know, I'm surprised at you.
I mean, how can a sane, rational...

Oh, never mind.

I'm telling you, there's strange things
out there we can't explain.

- Like what was that?
- It's Mark going to the bathroom.

- He goes the same time every night.
- OK, OK. That explains the noise.

But can you explain why a bladder
that young is on such a rigid schedule?

I saw an alien craft...
craft... craft...

There's no proof
aliens exist... exist... exist...

Entire departments devoted
to paranormal studies... studies...

The aliens were
bluish-gray... gray... gray...

Anyone for cappuccino...
cappuccino... cappuccino...?

- I found the file, Jilly.
- What have you come up with, Taylor?

According to my underground sources,

this is the triangulated center
of all alien activity

in the western hemisphere.

Easily explained by swamp gas,

weather balloons,
mass delusional hysteria.

Why do you respond
with scientific mumbo-jumbo?

Everything you say is pie-in-the-sky,
paranormal saucer-head idiocy.

The truth is out there.

No. You're the one that's out there.

Oh!

Hold up, Jilly. I can't explain it,

but I sense the presence of an alien.

Taylor, have you noticed
these aliens seem to eschew

well-lit, ventilated housing?

They what?

Eschew.

Eschew.

Gesundheit.

- Right there. Right there. Right there.
- What is it?

The alien we've been looking for
all our lives.

How can we be sure it's not human?

It's too small.

Notice... the delicate,
hairless features.

Oh, my God!

Put a shirt on!

Hi, and welcome back to Tool Time.

Professional roofer Tony Bruschetta
is talking about harnessing and safety.

Tony's gonna show us
two different systems

which allow you to anchor yourself
to the roof.

There's actually a third system
which allows Al's mom

to anchor herself
to a frost-free Frigidaire.

Tony's family's been
in the business for years.

You must've logged
a lot of hours on the roof.

Does it ever get lonely at the top?

Well, you know, I can't complain.
I've got a roof over my head.

- Uh-huh.
- No, wait, it's under my feet!

It's a -minute show, fellas.

I'll do the jokes.

Actually, you ever noticed anything
odd in the sky? Unusual sights?

Tim, not with the aliens again.

UFOs, spaceships, that kind of stuff.

The audience wants to talk about roofs,
not about people from outer space.

You're awfully defensive about this.

- There are no aliens.
- How do you know?

Hey, maybe he's hiding something.

Maybe he's hiding the fact
that he's an alien.

I am not now nor have I ever been
an alien!

Oh, yeah? What do the first two letters
of "alien" spell, Al?

Ooh...

And your mother's quite large.
Perhaps she's the mothership.

What you got, Wilson?
Some rare Amazonian plant

you crossbred
with, like, a North African variety?

They're petunias. Good day, Tim.

I was wondering if maybe
that spaceship you saw

is the same kind
that the army found in Roswell.

What do you know of Roswell?

I know that a lot of people think
a flying saucer crash-landed there.

I also know about Sheffield, England.

In there was
a spectacular sighting there.

- And in Mexico City, ...
- ' .

Yeah.

With the difficult time you gave me,

I'm surprised you're taking such
an interest in unexplained phenomena.

I figured if a real intelligent guy
like you was interested in the stuff,

maybe I should learn more about it,
so I went on the Internet

and I found out a lot of people
have had experiences just like yours,

and not just people
with a shellac dependency.

Well, that's true.

I shouldn't have made fun
of your beliefs.

I appreciate you saying that.

Maybe you could relay that
to the guys at the hardware store.

Oh, I'll do that.
I'll tell all the guys down there

and the mailman
and the guy at the gas company.

So, with all your newfound knowledge,
are you a believer?

I wouldn't say that.
I'm just open to more possibilities now.

And I'm having
some really strange dreams.

About government conspiracies,
FBI agents in trench coats,

that you are out there?

You know about my dream?

Are we having some sort of
mind-melding kumbayatic experience?

No. Jill told me.

I didn't tell her.

You said you think Jordars an alien?

How else could he jump that high?

- Shaquille?
- You call that an earth name?

All right. Dennis Rodman?

I'll give you that one.

Look, Tim, these guys
don't know I'm onto them,

so I'd appreciate it
if you don't say anything.

All right. All right. All right.
How do I know you're not an alien?

I never said I wasrt.

But you're working,
so you must have a green card.

More bluish-gray.