04x11 - And the Desert Shall Blossom

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, partners, cattle
rustlers, wranglers, desert rats,

varmints, hombres,
and all you prospectors

who futilely comb the hills of
television looking for something of value.

This is no mirage.
No optical illusion.

I'm as real as a piece
of motion picture film.

As authentic as a shadow.

As for tonight's play,

I'm afraid I have
disappointing news.

It will not be
an adult western.

The plot is not yet
years old.

Unfortunately, we are
not completely out of line,

for although television
fans demand adult stories,

their taste in commercials
run to another extreme.

Allow me to illustrate.

Hey, boys!
It's me, the Sheriff!

Tom? Ben?

Where are you?

Hi, Sheriff.

Oh, hello, Ben.

Must have something mighty
important on your mind

to be paying us
a visit in this heat.

You know darn well
why I'm here.

Yeah, I guess I do.

After all, it's kind
of an official matter.

Guess it is.

Well, now, Sheriff,
I'll tell you,

you sit right down
here in this new chair

and make yourself
comfortable while I...

Hey, it'll hold you all right.
I made it good and strong.

Made it out of juniper
boughs. Here, wet your whistle.

This is the last of
that stuff that was sent

to us by that old
miner three years ago.

Thanks.
Where's your partner?

Tom?
Yeah.

Tom!

Tom, Sheriff is here.

I'm coming.
Hold your horses.

So, you're back again,
Sheriff?

I guess you know
why I'm here, Tom.

Yeah. You just had
another powwow with that...

What do you call it?
Town council?

Yeah.

We never made trouble
for anybody.

Can't figure why anybody would
want to make trouble for us.

The town council is only trying
to act friendly toward you boys.

Well, you go back again and
tell them the answer's still no.

You tell them, you hear?

Now don't you go blowing off
steam the second I get here.

Why don't you talk
quiet and easy like Ben?

I don't feel quiet
and easy inside.

Inside, I'm just
as riled as Tom.

Why, we've homesteaded
here a lifetime.

Digging gold
in this region

before the oldest member of
the town council was even born!

When there wasn't
no town at all.

Just a jail, saloons
and a dance hall.

Mighty long ago.

Back in .

And now a bunch of young, snappy
dressed nincompoops come along and...

Now, you don't understand.

The town council is real worried
about you boys and so am I.

Shucks.

There ain't nothing to
worry about, is there, Tom?

No.

You're not getting
any younger, you know.

Living out here with no
visible means of support,

so to speak, and no
one to look after you.

Look after us? You talk
like we was helpless!

We've made out all
right here, Sheriff,

and we aim to keep
making out all right.

We feel spryer every day!

We just ain't leaving.

You don't aim on forcing
us out, Jeff, do you?

That decision ain't up to me. It's up
to the town council, and they can do it.

But, Jeff,
they'd listen to you.

You can tell them they
should let us stay here.

Look, homesteading is reckoned
by what grows on the land

or is taken
out of the mine.

Now, once upon a time,

you boys mined enough gold to keep
body and soul alive, but not lately.

Ben and me, we mine enough gold to
pay for grub for us and the mule.

No town council can call us
paupers or run us off our property.

But, look, Tom,
it says right in the book...

Kind of sudden, ain't it?

You looking up books after
knowing us for years.

If I could just show the council
that you're farmers of a sort,

that you grow something
on this land,

even raise
a scrawny rooster...

If I could stand up in front
of that council and say,

"Gentlemen, these two partners are
responsible tillers of the soil. "

But what can I say
you grow here?

Sufferin' catfish,
just look at this place!

Why, even a stubborn juniper refuses
to lift its head in this soil.

Nothing decent grows without
enough food and water,

and you ain't got enough
for yourself or the soil.

We got a rosebush.

It's thriving.

Thriving, my foot. You call
this dying weed a rosebush?

The catalog said
it'd take time to grow.

Wait and see. It's gonna
have great big red blooms.

Sure. Like them tomato plants
you tried growing last year?

You're not very friendly,
throwing them tomatoes in our face.

Jeff, you go back
to them councilmen.

Tell them we ain't letting
no town take care of us.

But you'd have a nice,
clean place to live

and be with
folks your own age.

Doggone lot of old fogies lying
around, just waiting to die.

Playing bridge.

Steam heat
out of a radiator.

Toast and hot milk.

No place for
a man to breathe.

No looking out and seeing
for miles and miles.

Nothing like that.

We'd die quick if we
never saw that again.

But I tell you, Tom, they
can force you out of here.

Let them try.

Don't tempt them.

We don't need charity.

And if it's growing things in
this soil that proves our worth,

tell them to come on up
in a month and we'll...

We'll...

Tell them in a month
we'll pick them

a great big bouquet of
roses off from this bush.

A great big bouquet
of roses? Yeah.

Off from that bush?

Yeah. That would prove that we can
grow things here, wouldn't it, Jeff?

Sure. That would
prove it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll tell them.
Yeah, tell them.

See you in a month.

All right. So long.
So long, Jeff.

Jeff meant well.

Fools, fools,
every last one of them.

Now, Tom, don't go
losing your temper again.

Remember your sciatica.

We'll fight.

Even if we have
to fight the Sheriff,

the town council, and all the
law books in the State of Nevada!

Yeah, we'll fight.
Yeah.

We'll fight, Tom.

But you didn't have to tell
him it would bloom in a month.

Yeah.
I was fit to be tied.

Yeah.

Tom?
Yeah?

Did you water
the rosebush today?

Half-rations.
The well's running dry.

Yeah.

What we need
is a miracle.

I reckon we do.

Yeah.

What are you cooking?

What else?

Rabbit stew again?

What else?

Put a little liquor in it
to k*ll the taste.

Good idea.

That can't be a car
way out here, can it?

Well, if it is,

it sounds like there's
something wrong with its insides.

Hello.
Having trouble?

You guys got a car?
Nope.

We got a mule, though.

Yeah. And she's
as old as we are.

Me, I'm Tom Akins.

I'm Ben White.

How'd you ever
get on our road?

What'd you do? Make the wrong
turn down there off of the highway?

Yeah. Back at the fork.
I was trying to get to Reno.

Well, this road
don't go nowhere.

Ends about
three miles down here.

My carburetor's on the blink.
The car won't move.

Come on in. Have a
bite of grub with us.

You got a drink?

Sure, we got a drink.

We never see many folks
out around here.

Here we are.
Have a drink.

It's nice having a stranger
come to see us now and then.

Some palace you got here.

Boy, a real mansion.

We like it.

Oh, I gotta
get out of here.

You guys ain't got a jalopy?
Maybe a pick-up truck?

Nope.
Anything on wheels,

get me from here to Reno.

Our mule ain't got wheels.

Hey, is riding a mule
like riding a horse?

Depends if the mule likes
to be ridden. Our mule don't.

She's only
broken for packing

and she ain't biding
no saddle neither.

How do you coots travel?

We don't, much.

Look, if I can get from
here to the nearest town,

I can hop a bus to Reno.
Now, how do I get to town?

Try walking.

How far is
the nearest town?

Ten miles from Reno.

How far from here?

Forty-seven miles.

Tom and I walk it
in a day and a half.

With the mule,
it takes two days.

And Beulah has her own idea
about physical exercise.

Will you cr*ck the comedy?

I'm in a hurry! I
gotta get to Reno fast!

So you said.

All right, Pops.

I'll make it worth your while to get
me from here to Reno in good shape.

Now, that's simple enough,
ain't it?

Some things that
seem simple just ain't.

Look, dough. Real dough.

smackers for you.

Maybe you got
something better to do?

Matter of fact, we do.

Yeah.

We got to feed Beulah and
we got a gold pan to fix.

And we gotta water
the rosebush in the morning.

But come morning, we'll be
glad to show you the trail

and fix you up
with some grub.

I guess you didn't
hear me right.

I said bucks.

We heard you.

We got a mule and that's
all. We can't help you.

Pops, you're wrong.

We're all going
to Reno tonight.

I ain't gonna stumble around
in that desert by myself, see.

I'm from back east. I'm not
used to sand and rattlers, see.

Can't argue with a g*n, Tom.

Now get some food ready.

And saddle up that mule,
or whatever you do to mules,

but get started and fast!

If you aim to k*ll us,

that ain't gonna
help you get to Reno.

You're a little touched in the head
if you think that g*n's gonna get us

where we don't want to go.

I said, get moving.

We ain't going.

I'll show you, you old...

You shouldn't
have done that.

Now you know
I mean business.

But I don't know the
trail to Reno. He does.

I just wanted him to
know I wasn't fooling.

He's gonna need
a lot of fixing up

if he's gonna show
you the way to Reno.

Where you goin'?

To get some liniment.

Stay here.

I know,
but his cheek is cut bad.

All right.

All right, get the liniment. But
don't you give me no rough time, Pop.

I k*lled
a few people lately,

one or two old men
won't make no difference.

We know you're a k*ller,
all right.

We've seen them before.

Used to be a lot of them
way out west.

Make it snappy.

All right.

Fix him up quick.

I said, make it snappy.
All right!

Tom's cheek is cut bad.
Tom, do you hear me?

Yeah.

Are you all right?

I reckon so.

Well, now, just hold still while
I wipe this blood off of your face.

Belt, my belt.
Look, see? My belt.

Hurry up.

All right.

Ah, there you are!

I guess that'll fix you up so you can
start this fellow on the trail to Reno.

Yep. Guess so.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

In a minute.

Just give him a chance
to get his breath.

My belt.

Pour some cold water over
his head. Let's get moving.

I ain't got forever.

I'm gonna give you guys
just one more minute,

then I'm gonna
let you have it.

City fellers just
ain't got no manners.

No wonder this car
wouldn't run any further,

got a couple of b*ll*ts
in the motor.

Three weeks the police of five
counties have been looking for this car.

And for three weeks, it's
been sitting right there.

What made you think
it might be here?

Elimination.

We've looked every place
but this old road.

Think he's hiding out here?

Maybe. But where?

The cabin?

Then where are the boys?

And their mule's not here.

Do you think he might have forced them to
lead him out of here and then k*lled them?

Well, I hate to admit it,
but it has crossed my mind.

They're getting
pretty well on in years.

Easy pickings for
a k*ller like that.

Let's hope we're wrong.

Sheriff, take a squint!

Can you bake an apple pie

Billy boy, Billy boy?

Can you bake an apple pie,
Billy boy?

I can bake an apple pie
as quick as I can wink my eye

Hi, Sheriff.

Greetings, Sheriff!

Howdy, boys. You don't know
how glad I am to see you.

You know my deputy here.
Sure.

Hiya, Tex.

Hello. We've been worried.

Thought maybe you might
have got yourselves k*lled

out there on the
desert somewhere.

Why us?

That.

Oh. The car?

Meant to ask you about
that when we met next.

Funny thing
about that car.

He never did come
back for it, that feller.

Nice car. Probably
worth a few dollars.

Where did he go, boys?

Don't know.
Just come and went.

Didn't even get his
name or know who he was.

He just said his car broke
down and he had to get to Reno.

So he went.

Him?
Yeah.

Walking? A city feller?

All the way from up here
to Reno? Almost miles?

He might've went down to the
highway and caught a ride.

Nope. Didn't.

You been hunting for him?

Three weeks.

Well, what do you know?

No, he didn't go back down to the
highway. Had every car checked through.

Who was he, Sheriff?

We had a funny feeling that he
wasn't somebody to argue with.

You were right.

He was wanted for everything
in the book, including m*rder.

What? And to think he sat
with us and ate our grub.

And he was real pleasant.

The California boys chased
him all the way to the border.

And somebody put a b*llet in
his car at the last roadblock.

It's a wonder he was able
to drive off of the highway

and get down here
to your place.

And he told us
it was his carburetor.

And we believed him.

Real tough hombre, eh?

He'll be held for two murders
when they do catch him.

Oh, he'll be caught,
all right,

a criminal
that dangerous.

Dangerous?
That youngster?

Yep. He's got a finger in almost
every dirty racket on the coast.

He's a real k*ller,
all right.

Boys, is there something
you're not telling me?

No.

Are you sure
he's not around here?

Would a k*ller like him let two
old men like us leave the cabin?

Up to the mines
with Beulah?

Why, sure he would
have, if he thought

you were scared enough
to keep your mouth shut.

I'll soon find out if he's
got you boys buffaloed.

Come on out.
We've got you covered.

We told you he wouldn't take
a chance letting us get away.

Then how does a tenderfoot
like him from New York

decide to take a two-day
hike across the desert?

We gave him good directions.

Sure.
They must've been real good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well. We'll let
Reno look for him now.

Mmm. Well, I'd better ride back
to town. You coming, Sheriff?

No. Not yet, Tex.

I got a little business
here with the boys.

All right. So long.

So long, Tex.
So long.

There's talk in town of the
council getting out a warrant

to force you boys
out of this place.

A warrant?

Yep. Tomorrow,
you'll be out of here.

Now, look,
you cantankerous old goats,

ain't you got sense enough
to know when you're licked?

Now, they've got that place
all fixed up for you down below.

You can still
be your own boss,

get decent food
three times a day,

and be near a doctor
in case you need him.

What would you do around here
if something did go wrong?

Why, when I think of that
gangster being around here,

he could have
filled you full of holes

and both of you as helpless
as a couple of babies.

Now... Now that's what I mean.
Look at your face, Tom.

What have you been a-doing?
A-using your head for a pickaxe?

I... I tripped over a rock.

Yeah.
Mmm.

Well, whatever it was,

it should have been fixed
up by a doctor days ago

from the looks of it.

Tripped over a rock,
huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You mean you and
Ben been fighting?

At your age.

Oh, there ain't no use
going over the past, Jeff.

The main thing is, you
kind of made us a promise.

You said if we could prove to the
council that we could grow something...

Oh, that. Sure.

End of the month
you did say

you'd have a great, big bouquet of
roses to show the council, didn't you?

Big bouquet, yes.

Sure. That's what
I thought you said.

You've always been a
man of your word, Jeff.

We got a present
for you over here.

Why, it's a miracle.

Should we cut the
roses for you now, Jeff?

No.

I'll... I'll get the chairman
of the town council

out here tomorrow
to look at this.

Could be I could talk him into
letting you boys stay on here now.

Well, I'll be doggone.

It's a miracle. That's
what it is, a miracle.

He's a nice fellow.

Hated to lie to Jeff.

It wasn't no lie, really. Fella
did say he had to get to Reno.

We just didn't tell the Sheriff
that instead, he stayed here.

Do you think they grow roses
that big back where he come from?

Could be.

Requests are pouring in from
garden clubs across the country

for details of Ben and Tom's
method of desert reclamation.

Directions
are as follows.

For best results,
select a sunny spot

and place the body
in a shallow grave,

six to ten inches
below your plants.

Water frequently and watch out
for garden pests and the police.

As for Tom and Ben, they soon
ran out of desperate criminals

and began planting
innocent passers-by.

They are now in prison,

after first donating their
property to the government

as a national cemetery.

We have a one-minute film now, after
which I shall meet you at the pass.

And now, the time has come for
me to ride off into the sunset.

I shall return next week.

Until then,
so long, partners.