04x21 - Relative Value

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

This began when
someone asked me

if I wanted to go into
the advertising business.

I always imagined it had
more dignity than this.

Of course, the term "sandwich
boards" intrigued me, too.

Little did I know that I
would serve as the baloney.

As for baloney,
more of that in a moment.

The possibilities of this type
of advertising are limitless.

I understand they are putting advertising
on the inside of reading glasses.

This is excellent for people who
frequently stare off in space.

I know I shall like it, because
now I can sit down with a book

without having the feeling
I am wasting my time.

Tonight's story is
called, "Relative Value. "

But first, some of that meat
I mentioned a little earlier.

A hundred pounds?
It's out of the question.

And I'm astonished that you're
having the nerve to ask for it,

on top of this.

John, don't you realize that your
signing my name to a check is forgery?

You needn't blame
me for that.

I wouldn't have done it
if I'd had any alternative.

Alternative,
my dear boy?

There are plenty
of alternatives.

Settle down
to a steady job,

give up this racecourse
and nightclub existence

if you really want
an alternative.

Come in.

Oh, good evening,
Mr. John.

Evening, Betts.

I brought your
warm milk, sir.

Mr. John, there's
some cold lamb

and a bit of that
Stilton you like, sir.

That was thoughtful of you, Betts,
but I'm just leaving, I'm afraid.

Oh, then I expect we shan't
be seeing you for a bit.

Mrs. Betts and I are
going on our holiday soon.

Margate as usual?

Yes, sir.

Well, that sounds jolly.
When do you leave?

On Thursday.

Well, who's going to look after
my cousin while you're gone?

Oh, Mrs. Simpson of the village is
going to come in by the day, sir.

I see.

Is there anything
else, sir?

No, thank you, Betts.
You can turn in now.

Good night, sir.
Good night, Mr. John.

Good night, Betts.

Well, I've just got time
to get the last train.

Might as well get
back to London.

Might as well have stayed in
London, for all your generosity.

Why won't you realize it isn't a
matter of generosity or otherwise?

I simply haven't
got the money.

Oh, don't tell me that, Felix.
I saw Uncle John's will.

Yes, you saw the will, but you didn't
see the list of debts that went with it.

Well, perhaps you'll realize, when it
all comes to you, how little is left.

And that won't be
long now, I expect.

That doesn't work any
longer, either, you know.

Trying to play on my sympathy
by telling me how ill you are.

You're as well as I am, and
you'll probably outlive me.

You seem determined
not to believe a word I say.

Well, I suppose it's useless
trying to convince you.

Yes, it is.

I see.

Very well.
Listen to me, John.

If there is another check like this,
another forgery, I shall have to prosecute.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand.

I'm sorry, but you
give me no choice.

Good night, Felix.

Hello, Benny.

Mr. Manbridge!
What a nice surprise.

Well, I was just on my way to the
city, Benny, and I thought I'd drop in.

Oh, splendid.
Would you like a cuppa?

Um...

No, thank you.

Benny, what are the odds on
Lady Jane at the . at Sandown?

Oh, they're very
good on her, sir.

I can give you
four to one.

Well, I'm afraid that's
not quite good enough.

Well, perhaps there's
something else you fancy.

How about Misty Moon
in the fourth?

I can give you a very
good price on him.

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised.
He ran wild last time out.

Well, if you change your mind,
you can always ring me up.

Yes. Benny, that...

That check of my cousin's
I gave you yesterday,

you've put it through,
I suppose?

That's right. That's what you
said, if I didn't hear from you.

Mmm.

Well, you'll know by Thursday
if it bounces, won't you?

I will know tomorrow, sir.
Nothing wrong with it, is there?

Of course not. The other
one was all right, wasn't it?

Yes.

I'd not have taken this one
if it hadn't been.

You can be sure of that.

I must say, you bookmakers
are a very suspicious breed.

We've been made so.

Goodbye, Benny.

Goodbye, sir.

Hello, Tom.
Good evening, sir.

Thanks, Bert.
Thanks a lot.

I'll have a small whiskey,
please, Tom.

Right-o, sir.

Last orders,
gentlemen, please.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, Tom, you
didn't happen to find a...

A small brown paper parcel about
the size of a shoebox, did you?

No, sir, not that
I can recall.

Oh, it was just a little
present from my cousin.

You know Felix Manbridge,
I believe.

Oh, yes, sir. I'm sure you
didn't leave it here, sir.

But I'll ask the missus
tomorrow to be certain, but I am.

I know if she'd found it,
she'd have let me know.

But of course she would.

Yeah, drink up,
please, gentlemen.

Time, please, time.

Good Lord, is that
clock right? Yes, sir.

Felix will be wondering
what's become of me.

It will take me, what, three quarters
of an hour to walk to his house?

Oh, yes,
all of that, sir.

Well, I better
be on my way.

All right, come on,
gentlemen, hurry up, now.

Good night.
Good night, sir.

Come on, now. Drink
up, now. Glasses here.

...so that we can say to those
of you who have written to ask us,

life insurance is
the application of insurance

to loss or injury
caused by death.

A contract under which one
party, called the insurer,

in consideration of certain
stipulated payments termed premiums,

agrees to pay to another
a moneyed benefit

upon the happening
of a contingency

dependent on the duration
of a human life.

The person whose life is the
subject of the contingency

is termed the insured.

And the party receiving the
benefit, the beneficiary,

while the benefit itself is
called the insurance money.

In practice,
the contingency involved

is either the death or the
continued survival of the insured.

The life or mortality table

from which the premiums
must be determined,

is at the foundation
of the business.

Such a table,
in its simplest form,

consists of the number
surviving at each age,

from which the number of deaths
and probability of mortality

are readily determined.

The three requisites of such
tables, for insurance purposes,

are that they should be
safe, properly graduated

and fairly comparable to
the mortality to be expected.

The premiums for life insurance
are computed from the risk of death,

as shown by the
mortality table.

And since the former
are usually fixed sums,

while the risk
increases with age,

it is necessary to charge more than
the actual cost in the early years,

in order to offset
the deficiency...

Felix, are you there?

Felix, are you there?

What's going on here?

Who is it?

It's the police, sir.

Oh, Mr. Manbridge. What
seems to be the trouble, sir?

Constable,
I'm glad you're here.

My cousin asked me down
for the weekend.

I just walked up
from the station.

I can't seem to be able
to make him hear me.

I can't understand it.
I know he's expecting me.

You wait here, sir.
I'll take a look around.

You'd better
come in, sir.

Is anything wrong?

Yes, sir,
I'm afraid there is.

What is it, man? For
heaven's sake, tell me.

Well, is he...

Yes, sir, he's dead.

How did it happen?

I don't know, sir.

It's a q*eer business.

Look at this room.

But, I mean...
What happened to him?

Well, that remains
to be seen, sir.

He seems to have
been dealt a blow.

Maybe he smashed himself
on the fender over here.

But it's q*eer
because...

You see, I found
this note over here.

"I, Felix Edward Manbridge,

"being of sound mind,

"solemnly declare that
I am dying by my own act.

"I have taken poison and... "

Well, sir, this was
my first day here,

and I didn't know Mr. Manbridge
too well, you understand.

But as far as I could tell,
everything was normal-like.

Mmm-hmm.

And you saw nothing
peculiar about his behavior?

No. Nothing
out of the way, sir.

And you left about
. , you say?

That's right, sir.
Uh-huh.

Well, you can run
along now, Mrs. Simpson.

I'm sorry we had to
bring you out so late

and thank you
for being so helpful.

Oh, not at all, sir. I'm
glad to be of any help.

Mmm-hmm.

Longden.
Yes, sir.

You will see Mrs. Simpson
safely home, won't you?

Yes, sir. Oh, no,
that ain't necessary.

Thank you very
much, I'm sure.

I'll just nip out the back way.
It's only a step to my house.

Good night, sir.
Good night, Mrs. Simpson.

What about Mr. Manbridge,
sir? Mr. John Manbridge?

Where is he now?
Outside in the entry hall.

We'll let him stay
where he is for the moment.

Come in.

Well, how about it?

Well, it was just
as he said, sir.

Both the ticket collector
at the station

and Mr. Crocket
at the Four Feathers

both remember seeing
him quite clearly.

He was asking
about a parcel.

And he left the Four
Feathers with just time

to reach the bridge where Longden
here saw him lighting his pipe.

And it was him,
all right.

Oh, here is the match
ends that I found, sir.

And they're those
little wax kinds.

They're not very
common hereabouts.

Oh, yes.

And he had a box of
them in his pocket.

Well, that seems to give
him an alibi, doesn't it?

But, it still looks
very odd to me.

What does, sir?

Well, look about you.

We're supposed to
believe that a burglar

or some other mysterious
intruder was here.

That Felix Manbridge surprised
him, and in the ensuing struggle,

this mysterious visitor
k*lled him with a poker.

Let's try something, hmm?

We don't, at the moment, have the
poker, of course, but these will do.

Now, Sergeant, we'll make you the
intruder because you're the taller.

That'll give you
every chance.

Thank you, sir.

Longden.
Yes, sir.

Turn around,
remove your helmet.

Now, Manbridge was k*lled by a blow
delivered from above and behind.

Very well, go ahead
and struggle,

and see if you can possibly
deliver that kind of a blow.

Oh, come on, boys, come on.
You can do better than that.

Longden! Longden!
Yes, sir.

Come on, don't make it
too difficult for him.

Longden.

I just don't think
it can be done, sir.

I agree with you, Sergeant.
I agree with you entirely.

Now, Longden, sit down
in that chair, will you?

Yes, sir.
Mmm-hmm.

Now, Sergeant,
could you come over here?

Over there.

That way.
That's right, there.

Now, how about that?

Yes, sir.
That would do it.

You mean, he was sitting there
like that when he was struck?

He was already dead.

I'm convinced of it.

Yes, but who
would do such a thing?

Only someone who
thought he was asleep.

Had already made
careful plans to k*ll him,

including a careful alibi.

Mr. John Manbridge.

But how could it
have been him, sir,

when he didn't even
get here until I did?

When I was the one
that let him in?

Well, I don't know.
But he did somehow,

because he had this letter in
his pocket. It's from his cousin.

It's addressed to him.

It was sealed
but not stamped,

so he couldn't have
got it in the mail.

But it is dated today.

Which means that
he must have been here

at least six or seven minutes
before you saw him light his pipe.

What's in the letter, sir?

For one thing, he says
his doctors told him

he has no more than
three months to live.

He has no wish to prolong
his existence in this world

and is hastening
on to the next.

He's leaving his life insurance
and all his worldly possessions

to his sole surviving
relative, his cousin, John.

And he mentions a forged check,
which he has told his bank to honor.

That'll be the
coroner's men, I expect.

Mmm-hmm.

Sir, you don't think
Mr. Manbridge

might have got in quite
innocently, somehow,

before I saw him, and found his
cousin dead and found the letter,

and not mentioned it because
it might look bad for him?

I don't think there's
a chance of it.

He meant to k*ll
his cousin, all right,

whether we can ever
prove it or not.

Well, sir, I don't rightly know
what'll be done about it, officially,

but I certainly feel a
lot easier in my own mind.

I can tell you, when I
finished with the telephone

and turned to find Mr. John
Manbridge dead in the armchair...

Fancy my giving him
a glass of the same whiskey

his cousin had put
the poison in.

I was only trying
to revive him.

Might call it an act of God,
mightn't you, sir?

Yes, Longden, you
might call it just that.

That is the fate
of anyone so callous

as to k*ll a man
who's already dead.

I wouldn't care
if Felix had been living,

but to strike
a defenseless corpse

is simply not
my idea of fair play.

Speaking of fair play,

I'm afraid it's my
beloved sponsor's turn.

But he assures me that
I shall have the last word.

On that note of triumph,

we conclude this
evening's activities.

Next week, we shall
have another story,

and, of course,
more advertisements.

I almost forgot to tell you.

I finally leased the
advertising space on my backboard

to my insurance agent.

Good night.