04x32 - Human Interest Story

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Do you enjoy assembling your own high
fidelity or stereophonic sound systems

with their complicated components
and speakers on every wall?

Then you will be especially interested
in what I'm about to show you.

I have just developed what I consider
the latest in sound reproduction.

This is designed for those persons who
desire simplicity rather than fidelity.

As you can see there
is only one speaker.

Nor is that the only improvement.

We have also eliminated the
old fashioned record changer.

Now only two attachments are necessary.

A small crank and a hearing aid.

By the way neither of those items
is needed for our next number.

Ya.

Alright the police caught
her outside of the house.

What's the charge?

Drinking in public view?

I don't know, maybe I can
get something out of it.

Thank you very much.

Everett here.

Ya? No, not too busy, I got those
story to knock out, but I can do it later.

Uhuh? Okay Carl, gonna be right in.

- What's up?
- You know Barney Welch?

- Never heard of him.
- That much.

He runs a tavern right
across the street.

I've seen you there a hundred times.

Ya I know, I'm a pretty good drink.

Look, you asked me a silly question,
I wanna give you a silly answer.

What about it?

He just called in a tip on
what might be a story.

Says there's a guy over there
claims he's a Martian.

A Martian?

You mean from the planet Mars?

That's what he says.

Barney thought there
might be a gag story in it.

He's gonna to keep him over there till we
get somebody over there to talk to him.

You're the boss.
I'm on my way.

Hey!

No drinks on the expense account.

What about the drinks I've got
to buy him to make him talk?

All right.

But don't go overboard.

Alright.

Hello Barney. You talked to Carl?

Ya. Guy at the end of the counter.

Do you think he's drunk?

Doesn't seem so.

I'd say he's cold sober
when he walked in.

That's only the second
glass of beer he's had.

Here.

Well, look Barney, he's
either kidding you or he's...

...crazy.

Shouldn't sound like he's kidding.

Sounded serious and very worried.

Well, then he's crazy.

I guess. I don't know what else.

Listen Barney, I'm gonna
walk down and brace him.

Now when I sit down you
bring down a couple of beers.

That is, if he'll talk to me.

He'll talk to you all right.

I already set it up for you.

Good. Now what did you tell him?

You tell him I'm a reporter or what?

Nah.

Just told him I had a friend
who's a real smart guy

and could give him good
advice about what to do.

Might clam up if you tell
him you're a reporter.

Well as long as you were good
enough to set this up for me

then I got time for a sh*t.

Well, here's how.

One more of these and I'll
be ready for the Martian.

How much did he tell you?

That he's a Martian.

Well, did he tell you how
he got here on Earth?

Or how long he's been here?

Hasn't an idea how he got here.

As for "when", about
hours ago he says.

Did he tell you his name?

Let see er...

Yang something.

Oh ya.

Yang In Dor.

Phew!

Yeah, well I bet that's not the
name on his driver's license.

Well, here goes nothing.

Mr. Dor, my name is Everett.

You know the man that Barney mentioned.

Glad to meet you, Mr. Everett.
Won't you sit down.

What will you have?
Bartender?

Don't bother, I already ordered
two beers before I came over.

Oh thanks.

Um...

Please don't call me Mr. Dor.

We don't use titles and
it sounds strange.

Call me Yang In.
Or just Yang.

Well, alrighty Yang.

Tell you what.
Why don't you call me Bill.

I don't like formalities either.

You better take the rest of this.

Do you, er, drink beer on Mars?

Oh no. Nothing alcoholic at all.

Alcohol is poison on Mars in
even very small quantities.

Well, how come you're drinking it now?

Because this isn't me
you're looking at though.

This is somebody else's body
I suddenly found myself in.

Well, you speak pretty good English.

That's because...
this, this body I'm in...

I'm not him.

But I got his memories besides my own.

I know everything that he knew.

That includes his language.

Your language of course.

Well, if you have his memories
you must know his name.

Sure.

Howard Wilcox.

Well, you wouldn't have
anything to verify that

you know like identification,
driver's license or something?

Why, I don't need it.

I know.

But if you want proof.

Driver's license on top.

Other cards under it.

Social security, couple of club
memberships, things like that.

Howard Wilcox. Brynwood Street.

Is that your address?

It's Howard Wilcox's address, yes.

Of course I remembered because I
remember everything that he knew.

I'm not Howard Wilcox.

I don't want to talk about him.

I want to talk about me.

The real me.

Not this body I'm in.

But can I ask you a question first?

sh**t.

Are you a doctor?

I know the bartender thinks I'm crazy.

He was nice about it but
I could tell he thought so.

Did he send for you
because you're a doctor?

No, I'm not a doctor.

And I'm not a cop either.

It's just that Barney knows
I'm interested in psychology.

But you're not a psychologist?

No no, I work in an office
about or blocks from here.

Yeah I guess you could
call me a lay psychologist.

Do you think I'm insane?

Well people who usually are don't
wonder whether they are not.

Look, why don't you just start
from the beginning, huh?

I'll start days ago.

Three days ago I was on Mars.

I was a Martian.

I am a Martian, I mean, but...

This isn't my own body I'm in.

My own body is nothing like this one.

I'm about feet tall.

Your method of measurement.

Six-fingered hands.

The fingers jointed differently from yours.

This body I'm in, it frightens me.

Seems awkward to me.

You sure describe yourself.

Or Yang In Dor.

Three days ago, you were on Mars.

Go on.

Three days ago,
they stopped bringing me food.

I was locked in a place...

Well, it was something
like what you call a jail.

The windows was barred,
but you could...

You could see the street outside.

It had been a busy street.

Hundreds of people
walking by in an hour.

Sometimes I used to count them.

Just to pass the time.

Make a game of it.

Try and guess how many go
by in the next hour and then

count them to see how
close my guess had been.

That morning there was
no one on the street.

Empty.

Deserted.

And no one came to feed me.

And I got hungry and I yelled and
pounded on the door but nobody came.

How did you managed to get out?

Took me almost days.

I managed to pry a
stone out off the floor.

And then more of them until I had
an area big enough to start digging.

And I tunnelled under the door.

I was starving by then.

I went to the...

You call it the kitchen.

Found food and ate it.

The whole building was deserted.

There was cooked food
on the stove, cold.

Big piles of dirty...

...our equivalent of dishes.

I just walked off and left everything.

Well I went outside and
wandered around the city.

It was Scar,
one of our big cities.

It had well over a million people.

What is the population of Mars?

Over a hundred million.

That is...

...there were that many.

Millions are dead now.

I found them finally.

All in one place.

The bodies starting to rot.

What k*lled them?

I don't know.

It wasn't krill.

That's the disease
that was k*lling us all.

It came from the winds of the deserts
and our scientists couldn't cure it.

It made Mars a dying world.

Dying world.

With a hundred million people.

Oh yes, you see only a few generations ago
there were about five times as many of us.

Half a billion instead
of a hundred million.

At the rate krill was k*lling us off

there wouldn't have been any of
us at all in a generation or so.

Let's have a couple more beers.

- Barney?
- Aye.

Oh, let me pay for this one.
There's plenty of money in this wallet.

Ah, that's alright.
I've got a company tab here.

Thank you very much.

You were saying that the
population of Mars was dying.

Yes.

Ah, where was I before I got
on the population angle?

You were walking though the streets looking
for people and you couldn't find a soul.

- City name.
- Er, Oscaris, that's right.

I found a targan and I took it...

- Found a what?
- A targan.

Something like an airplane.
On a different principle of course.

The air on Mars is too thin.

Alright, you took a targan where?

To Undernell, that's our biggest city.

You call it the capital.

I didn't see anyone there either.

Not until er...

Until what?

Well, I had an idea.

Although I didn't know
what the idea was.

I took the targan up again

and I headed for the big ceremonial
field north of Undernell.

And there I found them.

Them?

Other Martians.

Yes. It's a big field.

And they were all there.

Like I said,
bodies starting to rot.

I still donno what k*lled them.

Well you mentioned some disease
earlier was k*lling them off.

What was the name of it?

Krill?

Ya, krill.
Well maybe it was that.

When a Martian dies of krill

his body doesn't rot.

It withers.

In the middle of the field

there was a platform.

Big enough for me to land
the targan on and I did.

And in the centre of the platform

there was a tall column of copper.

Copper on Mars is like

gold or platinum on this planet.

There was a button in the column.

And slumped at the foot of the pedestal

was the body of a priest.

Almost as though he'd press the button.

And then d*ed.

You mean mass su1c1de.

Oh no.

A Martian never commits su1c1de.

To us it's a terrible crime.

I leaned over the priest's body

and press the button.

And...

And?

And in this body

I was walking along a street

here on Earth.

Sit down.

How did you know you were on Earth?

Because I had this Howard
Wilcox's memories too.

And I was confused.

I walked and wandered,

trying to straighten things out.

And then I...

This body got thirsty.

I was passing here,
came in.

And I couldn't stand
it any longer and I...

I started to talk to the
bartender over here.

You alright?

Ya.

You tell the bartender
everything you told me?

Oh no.

Just the start of it.

He told me to sit down and
wait and he called you.

End of story?

Ya.

Well it's been pleasure.

Oh what am I gonna do?

Look why don't you call your wife?

Why should I?

Isn't my home, its Howard Wilcox's.

Now look Howard or Yang
and whoever you are.

Right now, there's a woman sitting
home and she's worrying about you.

The least you could do is call
her and give her an explanation.

But I have to tell her the truth!

Martians don't lie.

Ya, but humans do and especially to the wives.

I mean, let's face it man,
whether you're part Martian or not.

Whether you're part Martian or not,
you're also part Earthman.

You got Howard Wilcox's memories.
Now what would he do?

Call of course.

Butt you mean I should pretend to be him?

Act like him?

Howard

possibly a man, a Martian named Yang In Dor

did die on Mars a few hours ago.

And somehow his mind got mixed
up with yours at the time of death.

Now I'm not saying this is what happened.

But it's not entirely impossible.

You got to believe something?

Believe that.

Ya, I see what you mean.

Why don't you call her?

Oh, what can I tell her?

Well, what would Howard Wilcox tell,
you can answer that better than I can.

Well, I can...

...I can say that I ran into
an old school friend and

we got talking and lost track of time.

That'll do it.

Hey listen.

Well, if it's gonna help you out any, I...

I can go along with you.

- Would you?
- Ya.

You will wait, won't you?

Ya sure.

Getting along with the Martian?

Ya, he's quite a fellow.

And he's now talking to his wife.

Wonder what story he's telling her.

You sure you don't want
me to help you there?

Absolutely sure.

You two must still have
a lot to talk about.

What do you do, Mr. Everett.

Oh, well er.

but I'm a salesman,
you know, men's clothes.

Oh, at a men's shop?

No no, wholesale. I travel.
Cover a lot of the mid west.

Must be interesting work.

- Yeah.
- Excuse me.

You're a lucky man Howard.

Lovely wife.

Ya.

You married though?

No no, not yet.
Maybe someday.

Well, don't wait too long.
It's alright.

Yeah.

Bill, I've been thinking.

The advice you gave me
in that bar was very good.

I'm gonna take it.

Or try to.

Except for one thing.

What's that?

About not telling anyone.

I'm gonna tell Elsie
all about it tonight.

Ya but, what are you
going to gain by that?

Probably nothing.

That's not the point.

It's just that...

well...

Elsie and I had never had any
secrets from one another

and I wouldn't like to start now.

Ya, but what if she thinks you're insane and
wants to have you committed to an institution?

Try and talk her out of it.

She won't accept my explanation
maybe she might be right.

In other words if she wants you
to accept treatment you'll do it.

Sure.

And there's another angle.

And what's that?

Well, look how much good
it did me talking to you, Bill.

I think it'll do me even
more good to talk to Elsie,

after all, she's my wife.

Yeah.

Maybe even to other people.

Maybe.

Means to a psychologist.

Listen Howard.
Before you make any decisions,

I'd like you to take a walk with me,
I want to show you something.

Sure, what is it?

Well, this is going to be a lot easier
to show you than to tell you about it.

Look, why don't you tell your wife we're
going after some beer or something,

it won't take very long.

- Well, if you say so.
- Right.

Uh, honey? We're all out of beer and
Bill liked some, so we're gonna go out.

- We'd be right back.
- Alright dear.

Say, you think you can
buy me a drink later on

you better stop and pick it up.

I used the last of the
gin for the martinis.

Will do.
Bye honey.

- Mars .
- Poison.

This is it.

What was it, Bill?

False alarm?

No, he was a Martian all right.

He didn't know we'd come here.

Thought we were all dead.

What had happened?

Well, apparently he had a mental breakdown.

He was in an institution in Scar.

Somebody slipped up
and left him in his room.

Nobody bothered to tell him the score.

But how did he find his way here?

Well, he finally got out of the room.
He took a targan.

Found a manual control.

Push the button, had enough
juice left to send him after us.

- Did you tell him?
- No.

No, I couldn't trust him
as I'm afraid he might talk.

Had to k*ll him.

You mean you couldn't
trust him with the truth?

His IQ is about .

By our standards that's about as
smart as an average Earth man.

Luckily he didn't know that Barney
was one of us and tipped us off.

What about the wife?

Does she suspected anything?

No not a thing,
but she can identify me.

I think you better move
me up to copy desk.

It will keep me from wandering
around during the day.

All right.

What about your evenings?

I'll stay in my apartment.

Won't be for long.
Just until we take over.

Our next bit of science fiction comes in
the form of a one-minute commercial

after which I shall reappear.

As for Mr. Everett,

I should say that he was caught
and paid his debt to society.

Except that the Earthman society
love to catch and penalize one another.

cease to exist after we took over.

We have taken over, haven't we?

We haven't?

My fellow Martians

seem to have taken umbrage at
my letting the cat out of the bag.

However I shall be allowed to return
to Earth next week at the same time.

We Martians have found that
those not smart enough to be trusted

the ones with very low IQs,

are still perfectly suited
to appear on television.

Our institutions are full of them.

Good night.