08x01 - Whitewater

[bunniefuu]

HEIDI: Does everybody
know what time it is?

ALL: Tool Time!

That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Birthday Boy" Taylor!

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

Thank you, everybody!
Happy birthday.

Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.

I am, and I intend always to
be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Of course you know my assistant,

the poster boy for
Plaid magazine,

Alfred E. Borland.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, Tim. Thanks, Al.

Congratulations on surviving another
year without electrocuting yourself.

Hey, show's not over yet.

Well, folks, it's my birthday
today. Thanks for showing up.

And I gotta be honest with you.

I don't like birthdays.
You know why?

AUDIENCE: Why?

Well, because every
year a well-intended person

plans my birthday for me.

This year I'm doing
just what I want to do.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

I'm going to a NASCAR
race. Got VIP seats.

Yeah. And after the
race I'm coming home.

I've got it taped. I'm
gonna watch it again,

this time in my recliner sitting there in
my house enjoying the three R's, baby!

And the three R's would
be? You know 'em, huh?

Remote, ribs and Rolaids.

Well, in honor of Tim's
birthday, we asked our viewers

to give us their version
of a "Man's Cake."

Well, here's a mag wheel
cake from Jim in Ypsilanti.

Jim, good job with the
mag wheel. I like it already.

It's a butter cream
filling with a chiffon base.

Why didn't you guys just
send me a chiffon dress?

What happened to
devil's-food cake?

It's easy to make. And that's what
we're gonna show you how to do today.

You got a bowl. Very simple.
You put in the cake mix.

Pronto, just like that.
A little cholesterol.

Eggs. You got your butter.

And a soupcon
of oil for your fats.

A little bit more for easy exit.

There you go.

You mix it up. You put it in
one of those little cake pans.

You put a little of that
shortening in there.

You put it in the oven.
Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing!

. Next thing you know...

(OVEN BELL RINGS)

You have a cake that
is shaped like a brick.

And that baby is dead level.

Looks good enough to
eat, Al. As a matter of fact,

I think I'm gonna enjoy a little
slice of this bad boy right now.

Well, Tim, actually,
before you do that,

I want to show you
my surprise cake.

Well, Al, I want to
sit down... It took...

and take a look at these gifts
I've got here. Look at that cake.

Well, actually, I have
a surprise cake for...

Surprise!

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah!

Oh, sweet mystery of life.

I told you not to do that
Tool Time salute to nerve gas.

If I'd found this chair
before I found your mother,

you wouldn't be around
to make that joke.

Whoa.

Hi, guys. What are you doing?

Just practicing for my day
by myself for my birthday.

The guys gave me this at work.

It's got little slots
for my drinks

and my selection of
fine aerosol cheeses.

Well, if you think that's great,
wait till you see what I got you.

Yeah?

Oh, I was gonna give it to you at
dinner tonight, but I'm too excited.

Does it have anything to do with
NASCAR racing or chewable antacids?

(LAUGHING) Not even close.

A little boat for the bathtub?

No. Look under it. Under it.

No, in the box! In the box.

Oh, look. Airline tickets.

Yeah.

You planned something
for my birthday?

Yes, I've been
planning it for months.

I told you not to plan
anything for my birthday.

You say that every year.

Yes, I do.

We're going to
Kernville, California.

Kernville?

Three days of roughing it.

River-rafting by day, camping
at night. Is that fantastic?

That's fantastic. Yeah.

But, you know, I don't want
to take the boys out of school.

The boys aren't going.

I want to spend some time with
Lauren before she goes to Costa Rica.

What about Brad and Mark?

Well, they're too embarrassed to
be seen in public with their parents.

Brad has a soccer game.
Mark's band's playing at a dance.

Your mom's gonna
look in on them for us.

Great! All right!

Kernville.

For river-rafting,

you're gonna need four,
and the kids can't go.

I'm way ahead of you. Get this.

Wilson, Al and Heidi are going!

Al's going? Yes!

Happy birthday, honey.

Listen, I'm gonna
go start packing.

I already got the
sleeping bags dry-cleaned.

All right!

We're going to Kernville!

Hi, we're the Taylors.

I'm Cub.

Welcome to Rafting Adventures,

where rafting is an adventure.

Did you think that up
all by yourself, Cub?

No, no. That was
some college dude.

I'll get you started
on your paperwork

while Jane over there gets
you fitted for life jackets.

Oh, great. Great. Okay?

I'll be right over
there, honey. Okay.

Can't wait, huh? JILL: Yeah.

Oh, boy! Hey, is
there any chance that

the weather will turn bad
and close the river down?

Oh, I take it you're
not into rafting.

Well, no, rafting's
great, you know?

But it's my birthday, you know?

And I had VIP seats to see a
NASCAR race, first class all the way.

Oh, if you're
looking for first class,

you came to the right place
because we offer deluxe packages

with the finest accommodations.

Really?

Yeah!

Well, what package
did my wife order?

The "Back to Basics." Sky
above you, dirt below you.

And watch out for leaves
of three when you're wiping.

Well, that paints a
pretty picture, doesn't it?

Is there any way I can upgrade
us to this imperial package?

Well, sure. Sure. Well, great.

Let's just keep it
between us. Oh, okay.

And this ought to cover it.

While you're at it, why don't
you buy yourself a real name?

Hey, Tim! We're almost unpacked.

Great. I can't wait
to get on that river.

It's gonna be total gnar.

That means big bad whitewater.

Oh, yeah.

Sounds like you've been up
and down the river a few times.

That was before I was married.

All right! We're
ready to raft, huh?

Al, Lewis and Clark
didn't carry this much stuff.

Yeah, well, they didn't
spend years in Boy Scouts.

Boy, you really
prepared for this trip!

You got some great
equipment there.

Well, when I go camping,
I go Binford, huh?

I first heard the call of the
wild when I was eight years old.

That was your mom, wasn't
it? "Al, the macaroni's ready!"

Well, hidey ho, river rats.

Cool helmet.

Yes, this is the kayaking
helmet I wore on my last river trip.

I kayaked in Chile.

I've swam in chili myself.
Look, can we get going?

Not before you get your life
jackets and sign this waiver, please.

Great.

CUB: If you could
just come over here.

"I understand that river-rafting
involves risks which include injury..."

Great.

"fatality due to capsizing,
collision, drowning or hypothermia."

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

Al, you knew I wanted
to plan my own birthday.

Why did you agree to do this?

Well, it sounded
like fun, you know?

Besides, I wanted to try out
my new Binford Trout Buddy.

You call yourself a friend?

I would never spend
your birthday with you.

You know, just
relax. Enjoy yourself.

I wanted to watch a NASCAR race.

We got a safety
lecture coming up.

Safety lecture.

I know. Real men don't
need safety lectures.

Yeah? Who's the real man?

That would be me. Tim Taylor.

Who are you?

You know, that's
a good question.

Ever since the w*r, I've
been trying to figure that out.

But with the flashbacks
and the thumping in my brain,

it's been tough.

I was just looking for a name.

I'm Kyle, your guide.

You hit a rock.

Half the boat wants
to go to the right.

The other half
wants to go to the left.

Now you've got to make a
decision. What do you do?

Taylor!

Kicking some Martian butt! Ha!

JILL: Tim!

Does anybody know what
to do if your boat hits a rock?

I do! You get to the
high side of the raft.

Excellent! Everybody ready?

Yeah. Let's go!

Yeah!

Little green blob,
who's your daddy now?

(ALL CLAMORING)

TIM: Are you all
right? Yeah, I think so.

It's just, you know, this thing
that flared up this summer.

Yeah. It'll be okay.

Easy. Easy, easy,
easy. You all right?

Oh, no.

WILSON: Oh, now, Jill, it doesn't
sound like you're all right to me.

Jill, there's no way I
can let you on this river.

Jill, I'll stay here with you.

No. No, I don't want
to wreck Tim's birthday.

No. You don't want to do that.

Kyle, is there any way that
she can stay off the river

but still go camping with us?

Al? Sure.

You can stay with my wife.

You gals can spend
the day together

and she can drive back
to the camp at night.

Are you sure she
doesn't mind that?

Oh, no. She's got a light day.

All she has to do is cobble my
shoes and make soup out of bark.

All right, Mark. Get up. You've
been shaking for a half-hour.

I still have two more minutes.

Yeah? Well, not according
to my watch. Please get up.

(SODA SPILLS)

Smooth.

You just spilled grape
soda all over the couch.

Yeah? Well, it's your fault for not
moving. Now go get some towels.

You're the one that pushed me.

Shut up.

Gosh, you guys! It's
so beautiful out here.

The blue sky, the trees...

Not to mention these leeches.

KYLE: There are no
leeches on this river.

Well, just in case, I brought
some Leech Be Gone.

Never use that!

Ruins the taste.

So, Kyle, we know
that you like parasites.

How long have you been
a guide on the river here?

Ever since my army
buddy got me the gig.

Then he passed away.

Sorry to hear that.

They say it was natural causes,

but I say the
government k*lled him.

Kyle, what do you say we
get you into the shade, huh?

Hey, rapid ahead.

KYLE: Taylor, start paddling.

TIM: Hey, paddle this!

KYLE: Here we go.

ALL: Come on!

(WHOOPS)

That was incredible!

Totally awesome!

No, no, no. What would be
awesome is watching Dale Earnhardt

fly around a tri-oval at about
miles an hour, okay?

Tim, can't you
just enjoy yourself?

Yeah, well, that was
just a Class rapid.

Down river we got
some 's and 's

that'll fill up those drawers.

Promises, promises.

You know, birthday boy,
you look a little familiar.

Well, I have a very
popular television show.

I don't own a TV.

The government uses the airwaves

to send subliminal messages
to destroy our minds.

And you certainly wouldn't want
anyone messing with that noggin.

Yeah. Well, this noggin,

it's the only thing standing between
you and an ugly watery death.

Fluid fills your lungs, your throat
closes up, your brain shuts down.

(EVIL SNIGGER)

♪ Happy birthday to Timmy

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

Bark's tender. Would
you like some soup?

No. I think I'll just wait
till the others get back.

Besides, isn't the rafting company
supposed to bring us our dinner?

Yeah. But you don't
want to eat that poison.

I don't?

You know what USDA stands for?

"US Deceives Americans."

TIM: Hi, honey.

Hey! Hey! How was it?

Oh, it was great. A couple
of birthday bug bites,

some birthday river
up my birthday butt,

couldn't be birthday better.

You didn't have a good time?

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I did. Yeah,
of course it was a great time.

I'm just a little
hungry, I guess.

I've got just the thing for you.

A hot, steaming
bowl full of wood.

Try it. The bark's
got a little bite to it.

♪ Michael, row the boat ashore

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Then the Feds,
they tax him more

♪ They'll always screw you! ♪

Oh, my God! What is that?

Relax. Relax.

Last time they landed,
they were very nice to me.

Sounds like some kind of a bus.

Could be the rafting
company's luxury motor coach.

Maybe it's the Oak Ridge Boys!

JILL: What kind of a boob would
order a luxury bus on a camping trip?

Come on. Come
on. Look at this thing.

Detroit diesel-powered,
convection oven, sleeps six...

A luxury bus on a camping trip?

Oh, but you hurt your back. I
wanted you to be more comfortable.

No, no, no, no. There
was no phone on that raft.

You did this before I was hurt.

Okay, okay. I wanted me
to be more comfortable.

I can't believe you did
this without telling me.

You planned this whole
birthday without telling me.

Well, duh! It was a surprise.

Well, a surprise is supposed to
be something the other person likes.

On my birthday, you just decide to
do things and then drag me along.

I try to think of
things that you like.

Oh, yeah. Like last year? On
the way to the bed and breakfast,

you stop off at
a tulip festival?

That was fun.

You made me do the clog dance!

Look, if you didn't want to go
rafting, why didn't you just tell me?

Oh, that would've
gone over real well.

"Honey, I know you busted
your butt planning this whole thing,

"but I want to go to a
NASCAR race by myself

"and feast on aerosol cheese."

Honey, it was your birthday. We
could've done what you wanted.

It still is my birthday, and
I want to stay in this bus.

I can't believe after
years of marriage,

you still can't be
honest with me.

I'm being honest
with you right now.

Too late!

(AL SNORING)

Does anybody
know what time it is?

: . Oh, God, my back!

WILSON: I haven't heard sounds
like that since I was in Nairobi

studying the breathing
patterns of warthogs.

Maybe if he had another pillow?

KYLE: Done.

(GASPS)

Under him!

(SNORING)

Hot shower and
a little breakfast.

Ho!

Did I sleep well or what!

I've got some hot cheese
blintzes in the oven, guys! Huh?

WILSON: Shut up! KYLE: Shut up.

So did you have any
luck with that stain?

You tell me.

Mark, what'd you put on there?

I thought I heard Mom say that
red wine takes out soda stains.

No, you idiot. Soda
takes out red wine stains.

This is bad, isn't it?

Well, let's see. Mom and Dad
come home and the couch is stained

and the whole place
smells of booze.

We gotta get rid of the smell.

You're right.

Let's try some bleach.

(AL WHOOPING)

Would you guys stop
paddling a minute?

My magazine's getting all wet.

KYLE: You know, Taylor, you
ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Your wife takes the time
to plan this great trip for you.

And what do you do?
You piddle all over it.

TIM: Hey, look! It's my
party, I'll piddle if I want to.

Maybe next year I'll let
Tim plan his own birthday.

That would be wise.

We have to do whatever we
can to keep our marriages strong.

You're very insightful, Luanne.

Well, I have to be.

Because the evil forces of
the world are out to get us.

What evil forces?

The dairy farmers and the
people who make aluminum foil.

AL: I have to go
to the bathroom.

WILSON: Again? Shut up!

Old Al "The River Runs
Through Him" Borland.

You know, at
least he's paddling.

If everyone was a tube lizard
like you, we'd get maytagged.

"Maytag"? "Tube lizard"?

A couple of brochures, what
are you, Popeye all of a sudden?

Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim.

He can't help being
an insensitive lout!

You're no picnic
either, Sinus Boy.

Yeah, tell me about
it! I was up all night.

I never had this problem
with my kayaking buddies.

Would you quit yakking
about your kayaking?

Well, it's better than
listening to your boring stories

of how you and your
mom went to Anchorage

and caught fish with your hands.

TIM: Lucky she wasn't harpooned.

Shut up!

Shut up!

You shut up!

No, you shut up!

HEIDI: Shut up,
Tim! AL: Shut up!

I can't take it anymore!

So much noise I can't
hear the voices in my head.

Oh, our guide has
voices in his head.

How about this one? Incoming!

Over!

AL: Oh, great, Tim. Now
we don't even have a guide.

This is all your fault!

This isn't my fault.

I didn't want to go to
this thing in the first place.

Friends, friends, friends, in
the words of Benjamin Franklin,

"We must all hang together or
else we shall hang separately."

HEIDI: And we'd better hang
together fast. Look up ahead.

ALL: Oh, no!

Come on, let's go!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Come on, come on,
come on, don't stop now!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!

We did it!

You know, this has turned out to
be a pretty decent birthday after all.

AL: Yeah.

This is a good thing, you know,

because it just might turn
out to be my last! Look at that!

Okay, guys. Paddles
ready. We can do this.

Oh, Mother, I love you!

(ALL CLAMORING)

AL: Oh, no!

HEIDI: Come on, break it!

(WHOOPING)

HEIDI: Paddle.

Yeah!

How could you abandon them?

I'm not proud of what I
did, but a man's gotta do

what a man's gotta do.

We're back! Hey,
honey! I'm back!

Thank God you made it!

TIM: Hey, hey, hey.

We have Kyle to thank for this.

If he hadn't jumped ship, we never
would've known we had it in us.

No, no, no. I think we
have Jill to thank for this.

HEIDI: Oh, yeah. For
making this one of the best

birthdays I ever had!

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Having such a good time, I've
decided we should stay another day.

Fine with me.

Jill and I can spend tomorrow
looking for holy visions in the algae!

Wow! How much fun that would be!

But you know what? My
back is really better. It's better.

I think I should
join you tomorrow.

All right!

(BONES CREAKING)

(JILL GROANS)

Hey, guys! We're home!

Guys?

Sorry that your back
is still hurting you!

Boys?

Doesn't sound like they're
home. The place looks nice.

Yeah. I told you
we could trust them.

Didn't we used to have a couch?

You didn't pack that, did you?