08x02 - Adios

[bunniefuu]

Well, today we kick off the
Tool Time lyric-writing contest.

For years our theme
song has had no words.

Klaus?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey? And a theme song
without lyrics is like...

Well, it's like Al's mom
without a : shadow.

As I was saying,

Detroit's finest songwriters

are vying to have their
lyrics be the crown jewel

in the dazzling Tool Time theme!

You heard it right.
There's no money involved.

Heidi, tell them how
the contest works.

Well, our contestant begins to sing and
the moment we don't like what we hear...

Flonko!

(GONG RINGS)

Well, let's bring out
our first contestant.

He is a carpet
installer, Wade Waller.

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

All right.

All right, Waller,
let's hear you holler.

(WADE CLEARS THROAT)

One, two, three.

♪ Here's a song about Tool Time

♪ It's here now

♪ Here's a song about Tool Time

♪ And here it is

♪ Here's a song about Tool Time

♪ Here's a song

♪ Here is the Tool Time song ♪

And here's a Tool Time gong.

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give a warm hello to

The Flannels!

Now there's a
good-looking bunch.

Yeah, if you're a single
woman at a Scottish mixer, huh?

Where are your
instruments, guys?

Oh, we don't have any.
We'll be singing Al cappella.

One, two and one.

(HUMMING)

♪ Everyone get set for Tool Time

♪ Wrenches

♪ Everyone get set for Tool Time

♪ Ratchets

♪ Circular, circular,
circular, circular

♪ Saws! ♪

(ALL APPLAUDING)

All right!

Well, they are great!

Well, and congratulations, guys.

You made it into
the semi-finals.

♪ Semi-finals! ♪

Yeah!

You're great.

♪ Really great! ♪

See you next time.

♪ See us next time! ♪

You're pushing it.

♪ We're pushing it! ♪

Our next contestants
are a rap group,

and they are big
fans of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

L.L. Tool J and
Grand Master Bath!

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

What's up?

♪ Yo, Tim's in the
house ♪ Rock the house

♪ Yo, Tim's in the
house ♪ Rock the house

♪ I say Tim's in the
house ♪ Rock the house

♪ You say Tim's in the house?

♪ Wreck the house

♪ If you got a nice place
♪ And you want it kept

♪ Then ban Mr. Tim
♪ Because he's inept

♪ He'll blow off your roof

♪ And destroy your kitchen

♪ And next thing you know

♪ Your girlfriend's bitchin'

♪ 'Cause Tim is in the house

♪ Wreck the house ♪

Yo, what's up with that?

You dissed the boss.
That means you lost.

(SIGHS)

Now it's only hours,
minutes, and seconds

until you leave for Costa Rica.

Forty-four seconds.

Randy, maybe we shouldn't
spend our last moments together

counting our last
moments together.

You're right.

I just can't believe you're
gonna be there for a whole year

and I'm not going with you.

I know. You know, when
we both applied for this thing,

I always pictured the two of us
working together in the rainforest.

You know, we'd spend our mornings
protecting endangered species...

And our afternoons
collecting dung samples.

Look, it'll only be a year.

I'll be back here
before you know it.

I know. I know.

I'm just really gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Randy, while I'm gone, would
you just promise me one little thing?

Don't worry about it.

I won't look at any other girls,

except for maybe Tiffany Tucker,

who's got that nice mole
on her lip shaped like Idaho.

Must be so hard saying
good-bye for a whole year.

Looks like that kiss is
gonna last a whole year.

I hate to admit it.

I am so glad that he
didn't get into that program.

I'd hate to have my child living
in a jungle in Central America.

I think it will be a great
experience for Lauren.

She gets to frolic in the
sun, pick some coffee,

come back home with a nice
tan, and really wide awake.

Well, that's it.
Lauren's on her way.

How are you?

I'm all right. A little sad.

Hey, of course you're sad.

What you need is something
to take your mind off this, okay?

You know, when I
have young girlfriends

that leave me for the jungle...

When something
bad happens to me,

I go to the garage
and work on cars.

When anything happens to you,
you go to the garage and work on cars.

You know what's weird is that it
was my idea to apply to the program

in the first place.

Now she's going and I'm not.

Things happen for a reason. I mean,
maybe Lauren was just meant to go.

Yeah. You know
how the world works.

They always favor the woman.

What are you doing?

I'm putting a scrapbook
together for Lauren.

Each item represents some
special moment in our relationship.

Pasta?

Yeah. That's from
our first date together.

Good thing you didn't have fish.

Yeah. I'm gonna send this
to Lauren down in Costa Rica

so she'll have something
that reminds her of me.

Yeah, I think that's
really nice of you, Randy.

Here. You should put
that in there, too, man.

What's the significance of this?

Nothing. I just didn't feel
like walking to the trash.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Yeah, this is Randy Taylor.

You're kidding!

Oh, this is amazing!

When?

This is great! I'll tell my parents
right away. Thank you so much.

Okay, bye.

This is great. Lauren and I
are gonna be back together.

What? They kick her out
of the program already?

I get to go to Costa Rica!

What?

Yeah, some guy dropped out of the
program and they're giving me his spot.

What? They expect you to
just pick up and go just like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm
gonna be living with a family

in San Ramon, which is only
miles from where Lauren lives.

I leave on Saturday.

You can't leave Saturday!

Well, why not? Well,
because... Because it's...

It's the day before
the day of rest.

Don't you need some
time to get stuff together?

Yeah. You have to get clothes.

You have to get all those sh*ts.

Translate your records
into Costa Rican.

Guys, I know it's kind of
a rush, but I can do this.

You're sure you're okay with it?

Yeah. It's all the
bananas you can eat.

Yeah!

We're great. TIM: Yeah.

No, we're really... Excited.

We're happy for you,
honey. Okay, cool.

Great. I'm gonna go pack.

We're really happy. Yeah.

Really.

I'm gonna be sick to my stomach.

My child is going
, miles away.

I'm not gonna see
him for a whole year?

Why is it that we agreed
to this thing to begin with?

Because six months ago there
were hundreds of applicants.

I mean, now they've
picked him. I can't believe it!

Look, if you don't want him to
go, let's just tell him he can't go.

We can't do that. He'd hate us.

He's a teenager. He's
supposed to hate us.

No. Why? What?

We have to let
him go. We have to.

His girlfriend's gonna be there.

They're both really
committed to the cause.

I mean, he's got
his heart set on it.

So?

When he was eight years old,
he had his heart set on that pony.

He never got that. Yeah, well,

maybe if we'd given him the pony,
he wouldn't be going to Costa Rica.

I still know that pony guy.

I'll cut a deal with the guy.

Oh, it's probably a horse by
now, wouldn't it be, 'cause it's...

Poncho, insect repellent,
compass, hiking boots.

What am I forgetting?

You got underwear?

Of course I have underwear.
What do you think I am? An idiot?

Okay, I'm an idiot.

So I bet you're looking forward to
being down there with Lauren alone, huh?

Brad, it's not
gonna be like that.

Lauren's chaperone
is ' ", pounds,

and she is very strict.

Well, I think it's really cool you're going
down there to save the environment.

You don't think I'm crazy
for doing this, do you?

No, no. I don't
think you're crazy.

I mean, I think it's
gonna be kind of weird.

'Cause I figure that by
the time you get back,

I'll probably be headed
off for college, you know?

So this year would've been our
last chance to hang out together.

Yeah. We could've done
some major partying.

Well, I'm not really
the party guy, but...

Well, I guess we could've
tortured Mark together.

Yup. I am definitely
gonna miss that.

Of course, you
know, if you want,

I can score you some
Costa Rican itching powder.

And if you do, I promise to send
you the pictures of Mark's rash.

Hey, men. What are
you guys talking about?

We're actually just talking
about Costa Rican itching powder.

Hey, don't get me
started, all right?

Years ago when you
wanted a good itch,

you bought American,
all right? Yeah.

We used to be proud of this
country's novelty products in my day.

All right. I'm gonna go
write to my congressman.

Good work.

While you're at it, why don't
you tell him about the influx

of that fake vomit from Japan?

All the bean sprouts in
there. What's that all about?

Now I know where I got
my global consciousness.

Freakin' right, man.

Need any help packing? No.

I think I got everything.
Oh, rain pants.

I need rain pants. You think
Mom could pick me up a pair?

I think your mom would stitch them
herself and drive them down there for you.

What do you mean?

Well, you know,

she's having a little trouble
at the thought of you leaving.

She didn't say
anything about it.

I don't think she will. She
won't say anything about it.

But, you know, she's
pretty worried about you

living halfway around the world.

Dad, it's no big deal.

It's like I'm going to
sleep-away camp for a year.

Except this camp,
instead of arts and crafts,

you've got tarantulas
and man-eating fish.

Not to mention the constant
thr*at of a peasant uprising.

Dad, Costa Rica is the most
stable country in Central America.

Oh, yeah. That's what
they said about Nicaragua.

Now the people down there are
deprived of the most basic freedoms.

You can't buy a Chevy big
block down there! You know that?

And this bothers Mom how?

I'm just saying that
she's worried, you know?

I just wanted you to know that.

Just the thought of you moving
so far away is eating her up inside.

If Mom was so
worried about this,

why did she let me apply to
the program in the first place?

If she knew she was
gonna be this worried,

I don't think she would've
let you apply to the program.

Why are you telling me this
now, Dad? I leave tomorrow.

I just thought it
might be interesting

to find out how your mom
feels about it, that's all.

Great. So either miss out
on the opportunity of a lifetime

or turn my mom
into a basket case?

So you've got options.

Tah-dah!

I went to camping stores.

The totally mosquito-proof
hat. What do you think?

Mosquito-proof hat. Great.

I'll be the only kid in
Detroit wearing one.

What's that supposed to mean?

You got your wish. I'm
not going to Costa Rica.

Why? Why not?

Why don't you ask
your middleman?

What just happened here?

It's okay. It's okay.
He'll calm down.

Good news is our
son is now buying

his itching powder
right in the US of A.

Let me get this straight.

Randy is not going
to Costa Rica because

you told him that I was
worried about spiders and fish.

And that you were worried
about him being so far away.

I covered all the bases.
You don't need to thank me.

Thank you.

Well, you're welcome.

Tim, I am worried
about him going,

but I told you I wasn't
gonna stop him!

That's why I
stopped him for you.

Look, it doesn't matter who stopped
him. The point is he's not going.

So he's gonna miss
this incredible adventure

and spend the rest
of his life blaming me.

You know, I thought you'd
be happy that I fixed things.

Tim, this isn't a leaky
faucet or a broken carburetor.

This is my relationship
with my son!

I did not ask you to fix it!

Not literally.

But you were sending some
very strong subliminal messages.

Really? Well... Yes! Yes!

Okay, so can you pick up on this
message that I'm sending you right now?

That is not physically possible.

Hey, Wilson.

Hidey ho, good neighbor.

What's all the smoke?

I'm roasting Joe.

Well, I don't hear any screams.

He's obviously
taking it like a man.

(WILSON CHUCKLING)

No, in honor of Randy
going to Costa Rica,

I'm roasting coffee beans.

Randy's not going.

Why not?

Because I told him Jill
didn't want him to go.

So the trip is
off just like that?

Jill must be very
upset about him going.

The only reason I told him that

was because Jill was worried
about his health and safety.

I mean, he's not gonna
be home for Thanksgiving.

We won't see him at Christmas.

He won't be here
when I finish the hot rod.

Oh. Uh-huh.

He's gonna celebrate a
birthday down there, you know.

If we want party
pictures, you know,

I'll have to pick up a copy
of National Geographic.

Well, I'm still back at "ah."

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Huh?

Tim, have you ever
heard of a play...

No, no, no.

No plays, no ballets, no
chamber music. None of that.

Just give it to me straight.

I'm talking about the
Shakespearean comedy As You Like It.

Now in this play,
the young Rosalind

is uncomfortable expressing her
feelings for the nobleman Orlando.

The only way she
can speak her mind

is by dressing up as a man,
the shepherd Ganymede.

Okay. What does a cross-dressing
sheep lover have to do with me?

Well, I suspect, just as Rosalind
masqueraded as Ganymede,

perhaps you were
masquerading as Jill.

Once I tried on a pump.

It was Halloween,
for God's sake!

No, I'm talking about
masquerading your feelings.

I mean, is Jill really the one who will
miss sharing the hot rod with Randy?

Of course. She's the one...

Are you suggesting I stopped him
from going because of my feelings?

Well, that answer can only
come from the masquerader.

All right, all right.

I tried on the pantyhose, too.

Hi.

Hi.

Is Randy back yet?

No, he's not.

When he gets back,

I'm going to tell him that I'm
okay with him going to Costa Rica.

And you might also tell him that it
was me that had the problem with it.

I don't want him
leaving for a year.

You were projecting your feelings on
me because you're in denial about him.

You have all these emotions
you want to express to him.

You just don't
know how to do it.

Yeah, and if you could just tell
him that, you know, I'd call us even.

Not gonna happen.
You have to do this.

Randy, guess what? Good news.

Here are your rain pants.
You are going to Costa Rica.

What? What's changed?

Talk to the middleman.

I don't get it.

Well, it's complicated.

Geez. Here. Would
you slice this for me?

Do you remember
your first solid food?

I was seven months old.

So you do remember.

Your mom tried to get you
to eat that wimpy rice cereal,

but I gave you a bratwurst.

No wonder I became a vegetarian.

So why am I going
to Costa Rica again?

It's complicated.

How did you become already?

Well, I woke up one
morning, I was , and thought,

"What the heck!
Let's keep on going."

So back to the Costa Rica thing.

Damn it, I'm gonna miss you.

So you're the one who had
the problem with me leaving?

The longest I've ever been
away from you has been a week.

Yeah. And I visited you in
the hospital every single day.

I'm just not comfortable about you
leaving like this, you know? We...

We haven't gotten a chance to do half
the stuff I've talked about doing with you.

Like what?

We never souped
anything up, even a bicycle.

Come on, Dad.
Don't you remember?

I was the first six-year-old ever
to be pulled over for speeding?

If you'd just ducked into that alley,
that cop would've never seen you.

I know.

You never talked about girls.

Well, I'm not leaving until
Saturday. What do you want to know?

I laugh with you. Boy,
I'm sure gonna miss you.

Dad, I'm only gonna
be gone a year.

Yeah. Yeah. You
can call, you know?

You know, and then when
you get back we can go

on that fly-fishing
trip we talked about.

Yeah. I'd like that.

You know, it takes a lot of
courage to go to a strange country,

, miles away. A lot of
kids would be scared to do this.

Well, to be honest, I am scared.

Yeah, I've talked to a lot of
people who've been down there,

but I don't know
what I'm getting in for.

Yeah.

If you got any trouble or any
questions, I'm just a phone call away.

So fill up those rain pants
with quarters, all right?

Thanks, Dad. Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

But you're gonna be just
fine. You're gonna do well.

You think so? Yeah.

You've survived every
natural disaster known to man

right here in this house.

MAN OVER P.A.: Flight will
now begin boarding through Gate .

Well, I guess this is it.

Yeah.

MARK: Have a good trip, Randy.

Thanks, Mark.

And here's the video I made of you
and Lauren making out in the gazebo.

You're a very odd boy.

But I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

You, I'm not gonna miss so much.

Have a good trip, buddy.

Save a tree for me, eh?

You got it.

Dad.

I got you a little present.

A recorder, so you can record your thoughts
in the jungle, send them back to us.

We put some stuff
on there like this.

JILL: Wear your sun
block. Don't forget to write.

TIM: Never look a
monkey in the eye.

Thanks, Dad.

Mom.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I packed some snacks
in your backpack

in case you don't like
the food on the plane.

There's celery. There's carrots.

Or if you want to mix them
together, there's celery and carrots.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You have a great time.

And don't forget to write.

Call when you get there!

Call before you get there!

Or I could open the emergency
door and just yell out of the plane.

That'll help. This helps.

Costa Rica is the most stable
country in Central America.

That's what they
said about Nicaragua.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)