08x20 - Neighbors

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'm ready for
the big hockey game.

You can't wear that
shirt. It's all stained.

Mom, these happen to be the soda
stains from the ' Stanley Cup finals.

That's the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.

With one possible exception.

JILL: What are
those? Blood stains?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's when Yzerman
bounced a puck off of Dad's chin.

Twice.

But if anybody deserves to get
hit tonight, it's gotta be Wilson.

It's his birthday. Remember
that. That's right, yeah.

Oh, no. I didn't get him
anything. I forgot all about it.

Don't worry. We're taking
him to the hockey game.

And I got him
something. A little jersey.

Look at this. Not bad, eh?

No, no, no, no. It's
too nice and clean.

You're gonna have to
rub some nachos on it.

Nachos aren't right. Mustard
would look good with this.

And for Wilson,
maybe a Grey Poupon.

All right, Dad. I'm gonna
go warm up the car.

Hey, don't forget
the octopi, all right?

What do you think
I am? An idiot?

I thought they wouldn't let you
bring those in there anymore.

The real fan always finds a way.

Bye. See you, Dad.

Where are you going?

Out with Jenny Curtis for pizza.

I think I got a sh*t at
being her boyfriend.

Jenny Curtis. Is
she in your film club?

That really pretty one that's
president of the honor society?

Yup. And she's actually thinking
about dating a guy like me.

What does that
mean? "A guy like you."

Well, you know, fairly smart,
average-looking, but kind of geeky.

Your basic five.

You are not a five!

You're great-looking, funny,
smart, and you're a ten.

Mom, I don't want to be a ten.

Jenny thinks all tens
are pig-headed jerks.

I'm better off being a five.

So you're trying to be
geeky, but not too geeky?

It's a fine line.

Don't want to forget this.

Hey, smell my finger.

WILSON: Oh, Tim,
these are great seats.

Thanks.

What a wonderful
birthday present!

Happy birthday, Wilson.
How old are you now?

Counting all my
lives, , years old.

That doesn't include
the years I was frozen.

Yeah, lucky me, I sit
behind a human giraffe.

Brad, I'd be glad
to switch with you.

Yeah, will you, please?

All right, come on, hurry up.
There's gonna be a face-off, you guys.

All right. Did you know that hockey
originated with the Iroquois Indians?

Their original term for
the game was "hoghee."

The Iroquois, huh? What did
they use for a puck? Buffalo chips?

No. In the Iroquois version,
they used actual human skulls.

Really? No!

You know, another
interesting fact about hockey...

Did you realize the
first professional team

was organized in
Houghton, Michigan, in ?

Don't know. Don't care.

Time to meet my little friend!

(WHOOPING)

Hey, what idiot just threw this?

It was an accident.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, it's okay. It's probably
my fault for having my head there.

Thanks.

Hey, hey, yo, yo,
yo. Game's this way.

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

ANNOUNCER: Okay, Red Wings fans.

That's the end
of the first period.

So it's time for our very
special surprise giveaway.

All right!

Well, you seem very
excited about this contest.

Forget the contest. It's
time for the Zamboni.

And the winning seat is
section , row , seat .

sh**t.

It's you.

Holy Mother Hubbard, it is me!

We got a winner here, everybody!

Wait, wait a second. Tim,
this should be your prize.

You bought the ticket.

I bought the ticket for
your birthday. It's all yours.

Well, it should be Brad's.
He gave me his seat.

Dad, the man's got a point.

No, whosever butt...

Whosever butt is in the
seat wins the prize, period.

Well, I've got an
idea. Let's go halvsies.

Halvsies?

Men don't go halvsies. Men
don't even say "halvsies."

Would the winner
come with me, please?

TIM: Right here.

Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

Man, I can't believe this!

Oh, be happy for him. You
wouldn't want the prize anyway.

Last game they gave away
a year's supply of pudding.

I like pudding.

ANNOUNCER: This is the biggest
giveaway in the history of Joe Louis Arena.

He's up on the
screen. Wilson Wilson,

as the one millionth
visitor this season,

Bay City Motors
would like to present

you with this check for $ , !

Ten thousand dollars.

That's a lot of pudding.

Hi. How'd it go with Jenny?

Terrible.

Edward Meany was
at the pizza place.

I think Jenny's
interested in him.

How come?

Well, he used to be
a good-looking ten.

But now he got glasses
and started a ham radio club.

He's a five. I'm dead.

Hello, guys. How was the game?

Well, the Wings
lost. But Wilson won.

The biggest fan giveaway ever.

Ten thousand dollars.

Wilson won $ , ?
That's unbelievable.

No. You know what's
unbelievable? I paid for the ticket.

Want to know what's more
unbelievable, is that I gave him my seat.

He's just gonna
keep all that money?

Yeah. Because Dad told
him that guys don't split stuff.

It's when I thought
the prize was pudding!

I enjoy pudding.

Look, guys, you know
Wilson needs the money.

He hasn't painted his house in
years. And he needs a new roof.

And a new furnace.
Maybe a new hat.

I bet he spends that money
on something stupid like books.

Well, hi-ho, Taylors.

Well, Tim, I walked into my
house and I had a huge epiphany.

After all that cotton candy, it
was bound to catch up with you.

No. I was looking at all
my gardening magazines

and I came up with a great idea
of how to spend my excess wealth.

Unless, of course, you've
reconsidered. You want to split?

As a matter of fact, I... No.

No.

Happy birthday, Wilson.

Oh, Jill.

Make a wish.

Oh, thank you.

Yay!

Oh, oh, oh, thank you.

So what are you gonna
do with all this money?

Well, I've decided,

instead of buying my plants,
I'm gonna grow my own.

You're gonna grow your own?

Brad, you can't go
over there anymore.

Oh, no, no, no. Not
those kind of plants. No.

All my life I've dreamed
of building a greenhouse

and now this money
puts me over the top.

Greenhouse. That's a great idea.

That is a great idea.

You know why? Why?

We're looking for a spring
project on Tool Time.

We could help you
design it and build it.

Tim, that would be fantastic!

Wait. You're gonna spend all
that money on a greenhouse?

Yes, indeedy. I can
grow anything I want.

Can you grow pudding?

Does everybody
know what time it is?

Tool Time! Tool Time!

That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you, everybody. Thank
you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time.

I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

And of course, you all know my
assistant, Al "The Bad Seed" Borland.

Thank you. Well, today we're
talking about one of the greatest

pleasures in my
life, horticulture.

You know, that's
legal in Nevada, baby.

I'm talking about gardening.

I'm sure you are.

Today we're gonna
show you how to put up

a beautiful garden
greenhouse in your yard.

And for that we have
a special guest today

who's embarking
on just such a project.

He's a good friend and
neighbor of mine, Wilson Wilson.

Heidi, my neighbor, please.

Hidey-ho, Tim.

Well, let's get started.

Now, the first step in
building a greenhouse

is to determine site,
size and materials.

The site will be
Wilson's backyard.

What I've selected for him is
this pre-fab -by- unit, right?

It's got redwood. It's
got fiberglass panels.

And it'll fit snug up
against his house.

Well, this is very nice, Tim.

But I still prefer my original
idea of this Victorian style.

Well, we already went
over that backstage.

It's just not good for the
site. It's a little too frou-frou.

Tim, it's so pretty.

I rest my case.

Well, it's more than
pretty. Look at this.

It's all steel, real glass
windows, wooden frames.

How big is that
gonna be, Wilson?

by , Al.

It's just too big.

But, Tim, I'm gonna
need a lot of space.

I'll be growing
plants and vegetables

from all my travels
around the world.

Chinese rhododendron,
Italian bellflowers.

As nice as the design is,

it would just take up your
entire backyard, Wilson.

Yeah. But who needs a backyard when
you're swimming in Japanese gingkoes?

How true!

But your neighbor has to look
at this ugly thing though, huh?

Maybe Wilson could
plant some decorative ivy.

Mother's always
been partial to vines.

That's because she
swings from them.

Folks, whenever you take on a
construction project of this size,

you want to consult
your neighbor.

Yes. But Tim, you have never
consulted me at Christmas time

when you put an entire
amusement park on your roof.

Those Christmas decorations
that he speaks of are seasonal.

This freakin' thing
is a nightmare!

Have you lost your mind?

Well, we'll find that out right
after these words from Binford.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Wilson, you can't build
this in your backyard.

There's codes. You
gotta get building permits.

Actually, as long as he leaves a -foot
easement between your properties,

getting a variance
should be okay.

I work part-time for
the zoning commission.

How would you like
to make that full-time?

I can't let you build this
thing in your backyard.

Tim, I do not need
your permission.

And I don't like the attitude.

And I don't think we need to hear
about it. We're back on the air, guys.

Well, maybe you
are. But I am not.

WILSON: Hello and goodbye!

You can't leave in
the middle of the show.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey, welcome back, everybody.
Good to have you here.

Our guest had to leave
quite suddenly. So right now...

Al, why don't you tell us your
favorite part of gardening?

Well, I'd have to say it's getting
down and dirty with my hoe.

(BURPS)

Mom, when's
dinner? I'm starving.

Oh, it'll just be a few minutes.

How's it going?

Great.

Edward got contact
lenses and a new haircut.

He's really looking good now.

Mark, is there something
we need to talk about?

No! No.

Edward's back to being a ten, so
Jenny doesn't like him anymore.

And tomorrow night, she's
coming over to study with me.

Maybe you should wear
that new cool shirt I got you.

What, are you crazy? That
would make me a seven.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

I made my hamburger
casserole for dinner tonight.

We got bigger
problems than that.

Did you watch Tool Time today?

Working on the thesis.

Wilson wouldn't
go with our design.

Instead, he wants to build some
-foot Victorian monstrosity in his yard.

I swear the guy's gone
construction-crazy.

It's funny how you recognize
the symptoms in others.

You know, I don't think
you'll find it all that humorous

when our yard is invaded by Italian
Harvey Wallbangers and Japanese Pinkos.

So now you're worried
about what he's planting?

Not just that. What about the riffraff
that a big greenhouse is gonna attract?

What riffraff?

Botanist. Hello!

If you're so worried about this,

why don't you just go
outside and talk to Wilson?

I tried to talk to him at work
and he just ran off the set.

Well, you know, it's
Wilson's property.

Ultimately, if he wants
to build this thing,

I don't think there's
much you can do about it.

Oh, really?

I tell you one thing, when I
jumpstart this brain, I can do anything.

So years from
now, Wilson's got trouble.

I'm really glad you
decided to study with me.

I love history. Why
don't you quiz me?

Okay. Who won the
Battle of the Bulge?

Oprah.

The Allies defeated
the Germans in Belgium.

You're right. You're very smart.

Well, I'm not that smart.

Well, you know, on a scale
of one to ten, I'm about a five.

I love a five.

Is it hot in here?

Did you want to take a break?

Go sit outside?

It's cold out here.

You want to go back inside?

No. I'm okay.

I wonder how they kept
warm during World w*r II?

You know, interesting
you should say that,

because their uniforms were
actually made out of a heavy-duty wool.

WILSON: Tim! What?

Jenny, I'm sorry.

I'd better go.

Goodbye, five, hello, two.

Dad, I just stuck my
nose in Jenny's eye.

Chicks dig that.

Tim, what in the Sam Hill
are those lights all about?

What lights?

Those blinding
towers of halogen.

Oh, those. I just
got them from work.

I'm trying a new
security-lighting system.

You know darn well they'll
screw up my botany experiments.

Will they?

Constant light causes
photoperiodism.

My plants need hours of
darkness to flower properly!

Do they?

I cannot believe you are being
so petty about this greenhouse.

The design was bogus
and overdone. Even that...

Even that drawing was a joke.

The drawing was a joke? Yes!

No, no, no, Tim. You, those
ridiculous lights, that is the joke!

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

But this is my yard and I
can put up any lights I want.

And this is my property. I'll
put up a ten-foot aluminum wall.

It will reflect the
light back at you.

There are zoning laws, you know!

Then I'll get a variance.

Then I'll get a variance to make
my lights even higher and brighter.

Well, then I'll get another variance
to make my wall even higher.

Well, I guess we
got a lot of work to do!

Fine! Fine!

Hello! Is anybody home?

(SCREAMS)

What the...?

TIM: I guess they work, huh?

Tim?

I'm over here.

What is this? What
are you doing?

I'm adding to my arsenal.
Bigger, brighter, better.

This is insane. When
is this idiocy gonna end?

When Wilson grows up.

Wilson is your best friend. If you
keep this up, you're gonna lose him.

So I'll get another best friend.

I'll call Al. Maybe he knows
someone who'll be my best friend.

So you think it's gonna be
that easy to replace Wilson?

You talk to him
about everything.

Whenever we have a fight,
you go outside. You start...

How far did you say this
greenhouse was gonna extend?

Right over to the fence.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

What's that supposed to mean?

I get the feeling if Wilson
didn't live next-door,

I'd be the only one
taking out the garbage.

Uh?

Come on, honey, we both know why
you don't want this greenhouse to happen.

It's ugly. Tim...

It's a Victorian monstrosity.

Tim...

It's too big. Honey!

It fills up the whole yard. I won't
be able to go out and talk to Wilson.

Exactly.

I really like to be able to go out to
the fence and talk to my friend Wilson.

You know, he's really
good with aluminum.

You gotta give
him that, you know?

Wilson, you're not gonna
need those panels anymore.

Why? You planning
an airborne as*ault?

I'm taking down the lights.

You're taking down the lights?

Yes. It's your property.

If you want to, you can load it up
with Japanese geishas. I don't care.

You're tunneling in, aren't you?

You know, this isn't about
building a greenhouse.

Well, then what's it about, Tim?

It's so... It would... It
came all the way to...

I would not... I... I really...
There's... It's hard...

I come out... I like
coming to the fence.

To articulate the deep feelings you
find difficult to communicate to other men.

Yes!

You know, Tim, if I build this
greenhouse the way I intended,

you'd have to come
around the house,

knock on the door
if you wanted to talk.

I could do that. I could just call
you on the phone if I wanted to.

I could get a computer.
We could e-mail.

Yeah. Yeah. We could do that.

Yeah. You want to do that?

Nah! Nah!

You know, Tim,
to tell you the truth,

I rather enjoy being
able to come out here

and extemporaneously
converse with you.

Not me. I just like
sh**ting the breeze.

You know, I know I was being
stubborn about this greenhouse, but

there was a reason.

I know. Christmas, ' ,

I sh*t the Lamb of God right
through your living room window.

No. No.

Well, what was the reason then?

You know, when
my wife was alive,

we always dreamed of
having our own greenhouse

where we could grow the
plants we saw all over the world.

So you wanted to build
this in honor of Katherine?

Yeah. She drew that sketch.

The one I called stupid.

Yes.

I feel terrible. I
wouldn't... I'm sorry.

Why didn't you
just tell me this?

Well, Tim, sometimes it's difficult
for me to talk about my past.

I guess you and I just weren't
in the backyard at the right time.

I don't want you to give up
building the greenhouse now.

Well, I don't want
to give it up, either.

But I'm gonna move
it to the side yard.

You don't have
enough room over there.

So I'll scale her down.

There's good afternoon sun over
there. I can grow some orchids.

I'd still like to
help you build it.

Great. All right!

Well, I'd better get these
lights down and back.

Tool Time set's kind
of dark without them.

You need some help?

No, I'll get them...

Hey!

Are any of those
reflectors parabolic?

Well, yes. Why?

I've got an idea of some fun we
can have a little later on tonight.

Hey, good morning, Wilson.

Well, hidey-ho, Tim.

I'm really glad we
worked things out.

Yes, indeedy. Now we can
come out here and talk all we want.

Yeah. Come out here
and talk all we want.

(SIGHS)

So, Tim, is something
on your mind?

No, not really.

Maybe you had a quote or an
anecdote you want to share?

No, not a one.

Well, maybe this situation will

remind you of a story
or someone you met.

Nothing comes to mind.

No?

(YAWNS)

Well, all right then.

Just take out the garbage.

Yeah. I'll go back to grooming
my squirrels for St. Paddy's Day.

Hey, later on, you want to
go moon Borland with me?

I'm there!

Hi-ho, Tim. Hey, Wilson.

Greetings, Al. Greetings.

Well, let's get down to
it. Now, the first step in...

I really wanted to go out to...

I'd be taking out the
garbage all the time.

Uh?

Come on, honey. You both...

Sorry.