08x25 - The Long and Winding Road" (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

What a day!

Binford's executive
schlockmeister, Morgan Wandell,

wants me to do a whole
Tool Time just talking.

No tools, no projects,
no hands-on anything!

Isn't that insane?

How many "P's" in "deposit"?

Two!

I was right.

Now more about me...

No. Sorry, man. I
can't. I'm in a hurry.

I gotta go put a security deposit
down on my new apartment.

Brad, listen to this...

Actually, Dad, can you
talk to me about it later?

I have a : hair
appointment at Pablo's.

He gets all weird when I'm late.

Pablo?

He's more important
than your dad?

Dad, he cuts my hair.

Hey, Mark, you
gotta listen to this.

Sure. As soon as I'm
done watching this show.

You're watching Cooking
with the Ragin' Cajun?

Dad, it's Gumbo Week.

Hi. How was your day, honey?

(PHONE RINGING)
Terrible. Terrible.

Why? What happened?
Okay. Sit down and I'll tell you.

Morgan Wandell now is taking
complete control of the show, right?

Yeah. I'm used to
things being my way.

I'm not gonna take orders
from a cheesy young punk

who thinks he knows
production. Hey, Mom?

We're talking. It's
Professor Hanover's office.

We're talking.
Dr. Hanover? Wait.

Just hold that thought. I
just have to take this call.

(GROANING) Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can have a meeting
with Dr. Hanover, Thursday, : .

Can you tell me what
this meeting is about?

Well, I guess I'll just have to
find out when I get there. Okay.

All right. Thanks. Bye.

Howdy.

Dr. Hanover wants to
have a meeting with me.

That's great.
Anyway, this guy...

No, it's not great. I mean,

maybe he reread my thesis
and he's having second thoughts.

Honey? Honey, please?

Maybe he found a
reference that's outdated.

You know, that can
happen. Could you just...

Just hold on a second.
Let me tell you this.

Maybe he thinks that my conclusions
are just, you know, inconclusive.

Oh, God!

This could be terrible
for my whole career.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)
I just have to calm down.

Calm down.

I'm gonna go take a hot bath.

Thanks for listening.

I'm gonna go stick my
head in the microwave.

With my mouth open
so it doesn't explode.

Sorry I'm late. I was
packing up Mother's house.

That must've been
hard for you, Al.

Well, I got through it okay.

But then Trudy came over,

and we were going over
the guest list for the wedding.

And I got this panic att*ck!

I think I'm going through
pre-marital stress.

Ah, PMS.

I just... You know,

I need to get through
the next two days.

You know, come Monday
I'll be on my honeymoon,

lying on the beach with Trudy,

slathering zinc oxide
all over my body.

Boy, thanks for that image.

Hey, guys.

Excited about my big
idea for today's show?

How can we be excited about a
show where we just talk, Morgan?

No, no. It's not just
talk. It's Tim talk.

And when Tim
talks, people listen.

Don't kiss up to me.

That job is
reserved for Borland.

Yeah. You're gonna
have to stand in line, pal.

Does everybody
know what time it is?

ALL: Tool Time!

That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Binford
Tool Man" Taylor!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Binford's Heidi.

I am Tim "The Binford
Tool Man" Taylor,

and of course, you all know
my assistant Al "Binford" Borland.

Thank you.

Well, you may not
like the show today.

We're doing
something a bit different.

There's no project. We're
not gonna build anything.

We're just going to talk.

If you have any complaints
about that, you might want to e-mail

Morgan Wandell
at bigfatzero.com.

Today's show is called
"Home Repair Addicts."

Men who can't keep
their hands off their tools.

Apparently, we've
got three good buddies

who are accused of having a
tool addiction that they cannot kick.

So I guess, Heidi, it's time to
bring out our tool addicts, please.

All right, let's have a big Binford
welcome to Robby, Dan and Butch.

Hi, Robby. How're you doing?

Thank you for being here.

Hey, Al.

Hey, Dan. Nice to see you.

Please make
yourselves comfortable.

Thank you.

Well, gentlemen, I
gotta be honest with you.

I don't see anything wrong
with men that like to build things.

So I would like to know
what the problem is.

ALL: My wife.

Been there.

You had better hope she's not
watching this show today, huh?

Actually, they're
in the audience.

Huh?

This could get interesting.

Well, Robby, why
don't you tell us

what happens in your house
when you open your toolbox?

First I might fix the hinge
on a window. Uh-huh.

Then if the mood strikes me, I
might replace the drywall next to it.

Then as long as I'm
replacing the drywall,

I might as well add
on a family room.

That sounds sensible to me.

Sensible?

We have six family
rooms and no family!

Well, I guess it's
time to get busy!

Dan, what's your problem?

Uh, I like to paint.

But I don't have an addiction.

I can stop anytime I want.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come our
front lawn is now blue?

It's teal.

Butch,

why don't you tell us
all what you're into?

Lubrication.

I believe a good
home is a quiet home.

No squeaks, creaks or hums.

So, I always keep a
can or two of oil on hand.

(SCOFFS) A can or two?
He oils everything we own.

He's like the... Tin Man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's just try to
settle down, okay?

Tim's right. We don't allow
off-color language on this show.

That's right, Sue.
So, shut your... mouth.

Oh, yeah? ...and the...
horse you rode in on.

Hey, Wandell! Do
something about this.

Yeah, you go, girl!

I'm so sick of your crappy
repairs! And I'm sick of you!

You know, ma'am,
if you would just...

Oh, pipe down, Bones!

Hey, hey, hey, hey... Now,
just... Calm down. Calm down.

It's a television show. Come on.

If you go back to your seat,
you'll get that nylon fanny pack.

She doesn't need one. She's
already packing plenty of fanny.

Now, that's not helping
matters, sir. If we could just...

Hey, well, I've
got news for you.

My fanny's good
enough for the Dutch boy.

He and I have been... brains
out for the last six months.

What?

(SCREAMING)

That's not very ladylike!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Somebody call security!

We'll be right
back after these...

Awesome show, guys!

What do you mean,
"awesome show"?

I almost got k*lled out there!

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Those gals were only supposed
to thr*aten their husbands.

They were supposed to?

Are you saying that
this show was staged?

Yeah. Yeah. It looked
so real, didn't it?

Oh, God, I'm good!

Morgan, you have made a mockery
of everything Channel stands for.

We're not doing any
more shows like this!

Yeah!

No. No, no. Of course
not. We want to stay fresh.

We keep the audience guessing.

Eventually, we'll do some more
of that building crap you like.

Building crap? Hold on a second.

That building crap...
That building crap is

what Tool Time has been
about for the last years.

All right. Well, now
it's about ratings.

And if you're not comfortable
with that, we can go another way.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it means that we can find a host
that's on the same page that we are.

Ooh. Are you
threatening me, Morgan?

No. No, I'm just clarifying
Binford's position.

Well, let me
clarify my position.

You're not gonna take
control of Tool Time.

Yeah. I'm with Tim.
Yeah. You tell him, Tim.

That's right. If I have to, I'll
just go above you. I'll talk to Bud.

All right. Well, you can
talk to Bud all you want.

I'm going to. Well, do.

It's not gonna do you
much good. Sure it will.

Well, he's no longer
with the company.

What? Hold on a second.

Bud wouldn't leave Tool
Time without letting me know.

Let's see. He left, you
didn't know about it.

I guess he would
leave without telling you.

Well, as far as supervising Tool Time
is concerned, who is above you now?

God.

Well, look, if you're gonna turn
this show into a three-ring circus,

I might just quit.

Sorry to lose you.

You were a good man.

Jill, we gotta talk.

No, honey, I can't. I gotta go to
this meeting with Dr. Hanover.

This is very important, honey.
Well, okay. So, what is it?

Like, Morgan? He wants you
to do another cheesy Tool Time

and you don't
want to do it, right?

No. He wants all Tool
Times to be cheesy.

That's why tomorrow is
my last show, 'cause I quit.

You quit? You quit the show?

He pushed me too far.

Today's show was one of those
shock TV shows like Jerry Springer.

Tomorrow he wants me
to start an electrical fire!

I intentionally start
fires, I lose all credibility!

Well, I think... Why
don't you just talk to Bud?

Bud left the company,

put Morgan in charge.
He's completely insane.

Al and Heidi quit
right after I did.

Oh, my God!

Then this is for real.

Darn right it's for real.

We figure we owe it to our
fans to do one more show.

But after tomorrow's
show, I'm done.

I am so sorry.

(SIGHS)

Are you okay? No, I'm not okay!

That's years of my
life. I loved that show.

I just hope I can
land on my feet.

What are we gonna do for money?

We've got some in savings.

Yeah.

I can put in more time
at the hardware store.

That's a way to spend money.

I'll buy a garage and
start a classic car shop.

You can't start a
business from scratch.

There's gonna be experts out there
that have been doing it for years.

It could take forever
to turn a profit.

Or, you know, you could just be a
complete failure right out of the box.

You're gonna make
a great therapist.

Oh, hello, Jill. Come on in.

Hi. Um...

When your secretary called,

she wouldn't tell me
what this meeting's about.

That's because she doesn't know.

If I tell her anything
involving a woman,

she thinks I'm having an affair.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Well, not that any woman wouldn't
want to have an affair with you.

It's just, you know...
Sit down. Sit down.

Jill, I called you in to tell you that I
have recommended you for a job.

You... You did? Me?

You remember our guest
lecturer, Dr. Ted Lee?

Yes, I do. He wrote that great
book on family counseling.

Yeah. Well, he just
opened a family clinic.

And he wants you to work for him in
his adolescent development program.

This is unbelievable.
He wants me?

Well, he liked the idea of
hiring a post-graduate student.

And he wanted someone
with life experience.

This is so great. You can't
imagine how good the timing is...

Well, there is one thing
that you should know.

How much money will I be making?

Excuse me? Cash. Dollars.

How much will I be pulling down?

Jill, people don't usually take
these entry-level jobs for the money.

Oh. Oh, of course not.

But I might eventually
make, say, what you make?

People don't take
my job for the money.

Look, I'm sorry. I just...

My husband lost his job today.

So I'm just a little concerned
about our financial situation.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, you know, I don't know
exactly what the salary would be.

But I'm sure it won't be enough
to support a family of five.

Ah. Well, that's okay.

You know, I'm just confident that
Tim will be able to get another job.

And this is a really wonderful
opportunity. Thank you so much.

Oh, you're very welcome.

But what I'm trying to tell you is
that Dr. Lee's clinic is in Indiana.

You'd have to move.

Move?

Before you ask me what it costs
to rent a U-Haul, I don't know!

Okay, that's great
news. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll call you back. Thanks.

Yes!

Jill, you're not gonna believe
this. Sparky found a vacant spot

in Woodridge that would be
perfect for a classic car showroom.

Well, I have another
location in mind.

How about opening
a shop in Indiana?

(CHUCKLING)

"Indiana wants me. Lord,
I can't go back there."

Honey, a very prestigious
colleague of Dr. Hanover's

has offered me a job at his
family clinic in Bloomington.

Must be a pretty screwed up
family if they have their own clinic.

This is really an incredible
opportunity for me. This man is amazing.

You're serious about
moving to Indiana?

Yeah... Well, I don't know. I
mean, I want to consider it.

What are they
offering you? Ballpark.

Well, I... It's not much.

But there's potential
for more later.

Honey, honey, we're not moving
to Indiana based on potential, okay?

Well, you're not even
gonna discuss this?

What's to discuss? We live here.

I mean, my mom is here,
my brothers are here.

My mechanics are here.

So, we're just gonna throw
my career out the door because

you don't want a stranger
to change your oil?

Give me some credit!
There's more to it than that!

How am I gonna follow the
Lions, the Redwings, the Pistons?

Buy a paper!

I don't want to read!

I'm not leaving this
house. I built this house.

And I'm not moving because you
decide on a whim to go to Hoosierville!

It's not a whim. And I didn't say I
want to move. I just want to discuss it.

Okay, let's discuss
it. We're not moving.

I can't believe this.

For years my whole life
has revolved around your career,

and I finally have an
opportunity to start my own

and you don't even have one.

That's a low blow.

It could get lower.

(WILSON HUMMING)

Hey, Wilson.

WILSON: Well, hi-ho, Tim.

What are you doing?

Just hosing off my rocks.

If your shower's
broken, you can use ours.

No. No, no, no, no, Tim. I'm
washing the rocks that I gathered

on my hiking trip
to Whitefish Point.

So, what's going on with you?

Well, for starters,
I quit my job.

Tim, you quit Tool
Time after years?

They were making too
many changes, Wilson. I just...

I just had to let it go.

Well, I am sorry to hear that.

It gets worse.

I told Jill I quit and she told me
she wants to move to Indiana.

Jill is leaving you
because you lost your job?

No, no, no. She was offered
a position in Bloomington.

Oh. I'm gathering you
didn't take too kindly to that.

I didn't even
want to discuss it.

You know, abandon my
mom and my brothers.

Uproot my boys in a critical
time in their development.

You don't want to
leave your mechanics.

It's not just my mechanics.

You know, it's Barry Sanders,
and Grant Hill, and the riverfront,

and Polish food, and...

And my barber...

And it's a change.
It's a big change.

Well, change is often
difficult for everybody, Tim.

But on the other hand, if you
are gonna leave Tool Time,

this might be a good
time for you to support Jill.

The truth is my family has always
been based around me and my career.

I never really thought about
what would happen if... You know...

You never thought you'd be
making the same sacrifices for Jill

as she did for you.

(GRUNTING)
Yeah... That's it. Yeah.

You know, Tim, these are perfectly
normal feelings you're having.

Traditionally, the male
is the leader of the family.

It's very difficult for him to give
up that position to the female.

Oh.

There's a nasty thought.

Me in hair curlers,

little muumuu, walking
around the house.

You think we should
make the move?

I would never want to
lose you as a neighbor.

But you and Jill have to
do what's best for you two.

Yeah, we do.

You do.

Well, I guess I better get
back to hosing off my rocks.

Yeah. And I better get back
inside and try to save mine.

I don't want to go to Indiana.

Yeah. Me either.
Neither will Randy.

Have you even
talked to him about it?

Not yet.

I don't think he wants
to leave Costa Rica.

I think some tribe found out he had
a flashlight and turned him into a god.

You know, I can't think of
one good thing about Indiana.

They have a town
named French Lick.

Will it be easy for you just
to pick up and leave Detroit?

No! It wasn't easy for me to
quit Tool Time, but I did that.

Yeah. Just when it
was starting to get good.

Women were
body-slamming each other!

Like I said...

The most important thing about a
move to Indiana would be for your mom.

She's worked really
hard on this new career.

And this is a really
good opportunity for her.

I don't know, Dad.

I just want you to consider it.

What's going on, guys?

We were just
talking about Indiana.

Save yourself the
trouble. This is just stupid.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I'm not gonna drag you guys
anywhere you don't want to go.

Actually, moving might
not be that big of a deal.

The way I figure, I'll probably
be at UCLA most of the year.

Yeah. I'm changing
schools anyway.

Be a chance to
meet all new girls.

What about you?

Oh, I already have a girl.

And if she's gotta
move to Indiana for a job,

I'm willing to put on a
muumuu and curlers for her.

So, does this mean you're
willing to discuss it now?

Don't need to.

We're going.

BOTH: Yeah.

Brad, don't forget
my car's in the shop.

So, I'm gonna take your car
and drop you guys off at school.

Wait, what makes you think you
can just take my car just like that?

Because I paid for
half of it "just like that."

Oh, don't forget
your lunches, boys.

Mom, we haven't taken our
lunches to school since the fifth grade.

Well, I don't know
what I was thinking.

I'm kind of distracted.
Have a great day at school.

Hey... Wait for me outside.

So, looks like
we're gonna do this.

Move to Indiana.

Yeah.

You having second
thoughts at all?

No. You?

No. No.

I guess I'll feel
better, you know,

when I make this
call to Dr. Lee,

tell him I've decided to come.

Yeah. I think you will.

So, have a great
Tool Time grand finale.

It's gonna be really emotional.

Yeah, I know. Do you
have enough Kleenex?

If not, I'm sure we
have extra gauze.

BRAD: One, two,
three... You're pinned!

You lose!

No, I haven't. Not
the second round!

No!

Dad, it smells under here!

Seriously!

It's the Tim Taylor
half-smelly nelson.

RANDY: Yeah, Dad!
Your pits are the pits!

What a day!

Binford's executive
schlockmeister...

(STUTTERING)

Well, change is
difficult for most people,

but on the other hand, if you
are going to leave Tool Time...

You should go leave.

Well, Tim, I understand your...

Well, Tim...