01x06 - Here Dragons Be

[bunniefuu]

(pleasant music playing)

Captain Stede: Just out
there, there was a whale,

and it was being chased by
a whole bunch of sharks...

Izzy: We've been almost a
fortnight aboard "The Revenge"...

(laughing)

And I'm startin' to suspect

that Edward has no intention
of ending Stede Bonnet's life.

If I didn't know better...

I'd say he's somehow become
seduced by this... imbecile.

(grunts)

Ha-ha! Shall we
call this a draw?

(chuckles) Never!

Ah! Ooh! Bugger!

You are improving,
though... Kinda.

Yeah, well, it's been days since
I've cut myself on my sword.

Oop, no, there we go. Damn.

You know what, Stede?

If you wanted, I could teach you

a more advanced
trick of the trade.

Oh yeah?

(sword clatters)

s*ab me.

(chuckles) Yeah, right.

Oh, what's wrong? You scared?

Take your sword, run me through.

(scoffs)

I don't think I wanna do that.

No worries then.

I'll just have to sh**t you.

- Ed, don't sh**t me!
- Come on, mate!

This is it. I'm gonna
sh**t you in the face!

- No!
- This is the life.

Now, act... or die.

- No!
- One!

- Two! Three!
- Ahh!

- Come at me, dog!
- Ah! Ahh!

- (blade slices)
- (winces)

- (chuckles)
- Ya happy now, you...

- Yeah.
- I stabbed you, you nut!

You managed to avoid
all the important bits.

- What?
- You see... gettin' run-through's an art.

I've had it done to
me dozens of times.

The key... (grunts)

Is to take the blade where
it does the least damage.

(Captain Stede groans) - Science
tells us that all the useful organs

are on the right
part of the body,

so I cleverly took
the sword on the left.

What... Is that right?

- I mean, the, the liver.
- The liver? (Chuckles)

We don't even know
what that thing does.

Well

how-how does one... get it out?

Let me see. Now, relax a little,
and then you just gently tug.

You ready? And... go.

- (grunting)
- Yep, tug it.

- Oh god!
- Little tug, little tug, tiny tug.

Little, little tug. Ah, more!

- (moaning)
- (grunting)

- Blackbeard: Ahh!
- Captain Stede: Ooh!

Blackbeard: Keep
going. Keep... Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, oh yeah.
- My god.

- Blackbeard: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (moaning)

- Oh my god.
- (moaning)

Oh my god!

(januty pirate tune playing)

And, finally, the man saw
who was driving the carriage.

It was an elderly gentleman
with a hook... for a head!

A hook for a head?

How does that work?
H-How does he even eat?

He doesn't eat. He's
got a hook for a head.

- Does it even make sense?
- All: No.

- How does he kiss?
- It doesn't kiss.

- No one likes him.
- It's not scary at all.

I bet Blackbeard
knows a scary story.

(pirates agreeing)

What's the scariest thing
you've ever seen... sir?

That's hard to say
because I don't feel fear.

(impressed murmurs)

But... I think the scariest thing
I've ever seen would probably be

the Kraken.

The, the Kraken's
not real, though.

I remember when I
used to think that.

So, is the plan off?

Yeah, I reckon we're not
k*lling this guy now.

The plan is very much alive.

- He promised me.
- It just seems that he's having an awfully nice time.

I mean, look at him. He's
telling ghost stories.

This is the most open and
available I've ever seen him.

There I was... just a young
waif on a late-night walk.

- (thunder rumbles)
- There, I see an old drunkard

stumbling home past
the old stone wall.

And there, out of
the corner of my eye,

I caught a glimpse of something
stirring in the brine,

some sort of hideous creature.

Its tentacles, they rise
up out of the water.

And before I knew
it, it grabbed him.

I tried to warn him,
but it was too late.

The creature had him now,

in his grasp,
flinging him around

before wringing him out
like a f*cking bar rag.

(frightful music playing)

And that poor wretch?

That was my dad.

Bruh. Kraken k*lled
Blackbeard's pa.

The good news is,
my dad was a d*ck.

(all chuckle)

And I learned
something that night:

Fear is the most
powerful emotion.

Turn your enemy's worst fear
against them, you'll own them.

- I've often said that.
- (all disagree)

I've definitely said that.

Frenchie: Maybe you
said it on your own.

Yeah, I may, uh, you... Yeah.

I may have been on my own.

But on that note

how do you... go about
tapping into an enemy's fear?

You really want to know?

Yeah, I think we'd
all be curious.

- Right, g*ng?
- (all agree)

Well, maybe, I will
tell you, someday.

But be careful what
you ask your God for...

(ominous music plays)

She might just answer.

- Captain! Avast ye!
- Ooh!

There's somethin' witchy afoot!

What?! What, what
you talking about?

Witchy?!

How?!

♪ ♪

Never known a fog like this.

It's abnormal.

Tastes abnormal, too.

I suppose it is a tad off.

Anyone seen Blackbeard?

- Blackbeard: Over here, child.
- Oh god. He's there!

(thunder)

- Agh!
- Ow, you bit me! What the f*ck?!

I thought you were
the demon, boy!

Or am I here?

What?

(thunder) - Flee and
survive, or face me and burn!

- (maniacal laughter)
- (fearful shouting)

Every man for himself!

Oh, whoa, hey, okay!
Boys, give it a rest!

We've got a man overboard!

Ugh, it's a bit too
much atmosphere anyway.

It's my fault, boss!

It's all an illusion! Brilliant!

Exactly. Or as I like to
call it, The Art of Fuckery.

Sorry, laddie. Ye triggered
my fight or bite response.

Why do I have a splinter?

Oh... that'll be from
me "summer" teef.

- Some are teef.
- Oh my god.

Some ain't. (Laughs)

- May I have a word?
- Captain Stede: It's a bit like theater isn't it, Ed?

The Theater of Fear.

Ha! "Theater of
Fear." Love that.

His name is Blackbeard, dog!

Well, I'll leave you to it.

It looks like there's
trouble in paradise.

Can you get up here and
let me out of this thing?

- I can't feel my balls.
- But, but we need to talk.

What the f*ck you doin' with
your head between my legs?

- Stop. Unbuckle the f*ckin'...
- (Izzy grumbling)

- No, you're tightening it! No, shut up! Up on top here.
- (Izzy grumbling)

- That's my... no, that's my hips.
- That's it! That is it!

You seem to know everything about
everything in the whole f*ckin' world!

(stammering)

Blackbeard: Izzy!

Izzy!

Izzy!

That was embarrassing!

You left me hangin' up there for
20 minutes. Not bloody optimal.

What the f*ck's all this?

Do you remember your policy
about pets aboard your vessel?

Pets? Yeah. No pets.
They befoul the ship.

Ivan: You know
what else you said?

You said the love of a
pet makes a man weak.

- I said that?
- Yeah, when I joined your crew,

you made me put my dog down.

Yeah, okay, well, yeah,
vaguely... remember that.

So, here's the rub:
Me and the boys,

we think you've begun to view.

Bonnet as a sort of a pet.

- Mm-hm.
- Hm.

Izzy: You're in
too deep, Edward.

Best thing to do

- end it quick.
- Yeah.

The longer you wait,
the harder it gets...

(cries) They're just pets.

(Fang crying)

It's all right, Fangy.

He's up in doggy
heaven now, mate.

Yeah, but we go to
different heavens!

(wailing)

He goes to doggy heaven.

(ominous music playing)

I'll happily end it.

No.

It's my mess. I'll do it.

Maybe while he's doing
something he loves.

Captain Stede:
Oh, there you are!

Hey, according to Buttons,

we should cross paths with a Dutch
merchant ship tomorrow night.

I thought we could take it
through a bit of Fuckery.

Oh, mate, that's a
bit advanced for you.

A good Fuckery takes
ages to develop.

Izzy: As much as I
hate to admit it,

Captain Bonnet's theatrical
instincts are finely honed.

He's more than up
to the challenge.

Well, thank you.
Maybe I misjudged you.

Let's do it!

Lucius! We've got a
Fuckery on our hands!

What are you doing? You
know he's not up for this.

Oh, of course not,

but he would be doing
something he loved.

It's time, Edward.

Send him to doggy heaven.

Storytelling. Tell
me a story. Go.

- Me?
- Yes, engage me. Go!

On the day I was born,

- the rain looked just like blood...
- Boring! Next!

I yearn to make sweet
love to the sea...

Whoa, way too personal!

Go.

- Ah...
- Come on, spit it out!

- I have one.
- Terrible.

All of these stories

are very bad. Thankfully,

we do have a Master of Horror,

one William Shakespeare,
at our disposal.

What if I hack up a
dummy with an axe?

Maybe have like... meat and
guts and stuff comin' out of it.

I once witnessed a man eatin'
another man's face once.

That was pretty vulgar.

That's actually
quite a cheap scare.

I'm thinking more along
the lines of psychological.

- I've always wanted to sing.
- Singing's not scary.

Well, maybe it doesn't
always have to be scary.

Maybe, sometimes, it can be
an expression of ourselves.

Anyone smell that? Kinda like
a... a dead person smell?

- (all gagging)
- Oh, Lord above.

Black Pete: Oh my god.

My finger feels like fires.

All right, this rehearsal
is already a disaster.

Let's take 20. Get
him to the infirmary,

and that's a taut 20.

f*ck... f*ck!

I got his head, I got
his head, I got his head.

Get around, I'll hold him here.

(all muttering)

(flies buzzing)

You're a doctor? I
thought you were the cook.

Mm, knives are
knives, meat's meat.

Seems to me the best move
here is... amputation.

Oh, for God's sake!
He's a visual artist.

You can't cut the
boy's little fingies.

Level with us, man.

- There's no better option?
- Not in my professional opinion.

- Hold him down.
- Okay.

I'll whack it off in one
go. Or two. Or three.

- What's happening? Am I dead?
- Uh, no, no, no, baby.

(screams) No! No!

- It's just a dream!
- Black Pete: Hey, where are you goin'...

This is all a dream. Come back!

Muse, why have you forsaken me?

Izzy: How goes the Fuckery?

What are you doing in here?

I've just been takin'
in your library.

What a perverse misuse of space.

Still, it's a nice room.
Lots of possibilities.

Yes, well, I
designed it for flow.

So, if you'd kindly piss
off, the Fuckery's canceled.

You can't cancel it.

I went out on a limb for
you, you little sh*t.

Not my problem. Why'd you
even do it in the first place?

Because it's my job to make
sure that Edward is content.

And he adores you.

Why, I'll never
know, but... he does.

So, plumb the depths, man.

Perform... like it's
your last day on Earth.

(footsteps receding)

- You're doin' the... He's gonna...
- (indistinct chatter)

Captain Stede: Hello.

I'd like to apologize for
my, my behavior earlier.

As total as my theatrical
knowledge may be,

- I did forget the most important thing.
- Oh, to be interesting?

Company.

We are a company.

Um, and so, this work
is a shared vision.

Now, we've only got a couple of
hours to put this thing together.

Yeah, we've already figured
it out, actually, mostly.

- What?
- Yeah, we figured out a bunch of, like, really scary stuff.

- Yeah.
- And I'm going to sing.

Yeah, right, The
Swede's gonna sing.

Anyways, it's
gonna be excellent.

The one thing we haven't
got is the finale.

Hm, I may have something.

Something that'll
really plumb the depths.

You're a k*ller, bro.
You're a f*ckin' k*ller.

So k*ll!

- Uh, Mr. Blackbeard, sir?
- Yeah?

Uh, we'll be approaching
the vessel in a few moments,

and Captain wanted me to
show you to your seat.

All right. Let's do this.

So, Captain figures that

this will be the
best view for you

for when they come aboard.

- When they come aboard?
- Yeah.

No, no. Aren't we supposed
to be raiding them?

Yeah, he's reimagined
things a bit, all right?

(ominous music playing)

Appears abandoned, right?

Yeah, I mean, seems
like it, right?

All: Yeah, yeah.

Well, let's go have a look.

Hello? Anybody home?

Only us spirits

from the wretched, burning
depths of Hades, methinks!

The Swede: What is
wrong, Nederlandska?

Have you stumbled onto something

beyond your
comprehension? Ha-ha!

Um, are those supposed
to be the same guys?

With very different
hairstyles, no?

I am a witch, and
this is my cat!

- (meows and hisses)
- (cackling)

Ooh, hey! The
opening went great.

- I thought I heard laughter.
- Oh, no. That was screams.

- (indistinct chatter)
- Oh, here they come. Watch this.

(frantic violins playing)

(meowing) I'm the
Black Cat of Death.

(laughing)

- (growling)
- Captain, look!

Hello? What is happening here?

Terrifying, isn't it?

Yeah, man, it's...
scary as hell.

(Jim laughing)

(screaming) Have mercy!

(wild laughter)

(door opens)

Ooh!

They can't cut off my finger

if there's no finger to cut off.

(Dutch sailors exclaiming)

(all gagging)

sh*t, that was incredible.

- How'd you do that?
- I don't know.

I'll have to ask
the little bugger.

(angelic singing)

- Oh, this is my cue.
- Is that The Swede?

Yeah, that's our
little Nordic angel.

Keep watching. Big
finale coming up.

It would appear the siren's
song has awoken a beast!

Not mere whale nor shark.

'Tis the greatest
terror of the sea!

The Kraken!

Enough nonsense!

(banging on window)

(dark violin playing)

(yelling)

(crying)

- Blackbeard!
- Ooh!

- Blackbeard! Blackbeard!
- (all exclaiming)

(breathing heavily)

(all shouting) -Abandon
ship! Abandon ship!

- Black Cat of Death!
- Good pussycat!

- Bravo, Wee John! Bravo.
- (cheers, laughter)

(knock on door)

Edward? You all right?

(knocks on door)

- Edward?
- (knocking continues)

Slop!

You want to tell me why
that's all you ever cook?

It's what we can afford.

- (slaps)
- (Mother winces)

I gotta get out of here.

(door slams)

(door breaks)

Captain Stede: Edward!

Ed?

The Kraken didn't k*ll my dad.

I did.

(thunder rumbling)

(young Blackbeard groaning)

I'm the Kraken.

If I'm honest... I haven't
k*lled another man since.

Not personally.

I mean... I have seen
you maim some people.

Maiming's different.
Love a good maim.

But... I always
outsource the big job.

And tonight...

I'm supposed to k*ll... you.

Oh.

I was supposed to
burn off your face,

and take your identity.

And, um

is that still on the cards, or?

(relieved sigh)

You don't belong
in doggy heaven.

Doggy heaven?

Is that a pirate term, or?

I'm not a good person, Stede.

That's why I don't
have any friends.

Hey... I'm your friend.

- No.
- Listen, what if

what if we just pretended that

whole m*rder idea
never happened?

(sniffles)

We could?

I mean, I could... if you could.

I think I might like that.

(sighs) I would love that.

Thank you.

(pirates cheering)

Bravo, everyone!

So, uh, Blackbeard,
what did you think?

Wonderful Fuckery.
Scared the pants off me.

I thought Blackbeard
didn't feel fear.

- And I didn't, until today.
- Whoa.

And you, what a voice!

- Me? Oh, come on. Don't tease me.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, he's not teasing. You
sounded like an angel.

- Well done.
- (cheers and applause)

And Lucius! Quite the feat.

- Even though it was his hand.
- (laughing)

- Where is he?
- Shh. He's asleep.

Stede Bonnet! Draw your w*apon.

- No, Izzy, we're not doing this.
- No, you're not doin' this,

so I must.

Stede f*ckin' Bonnet...

I f*ckin' challenge
you to a f*ckin' duel.

- Well, I accept your challenge.
- (all murmuring)

Uh, he's really pretty good.

Stede, be careful. He
does know his sh*t.

As do I. You've taught me well.

Not that well.

Right.

I'm assuming standard
duel rules apply.

What are those exactly?

Let's make it
interesting, shall we?

The loser is banished
from the ship

if they're not dead.

(Captain Stede yelping)

Come on. Give a man a warning.

That was your warning.

- Come on, Cap.
- Psych him out. That's it. Nice. Wiggle the hips.

Nice, Captain.

Good, yes!

(swords clanking)

(yells)

Frenchie: Oh, you cheeky bitch.

(yelling)

Yield or die.

I choose... this. Aaah!

- Oh!
- (cheers and applause)

- Do it now!
- Ha-ha!

No! s*ab him! For f*ck's sake.

Frenchie: Come on, Captain!

Ah... Ah!

(sword clatters)

So, it looks like
we've arrived, Bonnet.

The end of the road.

All right... let's
call it a draw.

Nah, I'm good.

- (screams)
- Ooh!

Did I do it right?

He missed all the
important bits.

(grunting)

This mast

it's made from the finest
cherry wood in Brazil.

- It's rather strong, actually.
- Shut up!

Don't you ever shut
up, you rancid rat!

(sword cracks)

(Buttons laughs)

Well, now, Mr. Hands.

Reckon he's rendered
your sword inoperable.

- By dueling tradition, that means...
- Stede wins!

(all cheering)

In your face, Jizzy!

(crew laughing)

Aaaaah!

Well played, Cap'n.

(jaunty music playing)

Thanks, Buttons.

So, is this it then?

You're actually allowing this?

You shouldn't've dueled him, Iz!

We could've worked this out.

You will rue this day, Edward.

You will rue it long and
you will rue it hard.

Hey... made you a
sandwich for the trip.

- (grunts)
- Ivan: Hey!

- I would've eaten that.
- A f*cking pox on all of you.

Well, that's that.

Not for nothing, but that
guy really is a d*ck, huh?

- (light music playing)
- Thank you.

Today... we commit a piece of
our beloved Lucius to the sea.

Begone, you foul thing!

- (cheers and applause)
- A tad inelegant.

He could've skimmed it like
a stone or something festive.

So.

Uh, listen.

I, I thought I was
gonna lose you.

Oh yeah. Well, you nearly did

'cause I had a really
bad infection, so.

Exactly.

And, uh, and

death, you know...
I'm used to death,

but, um... but not,
um... your death.

Uh, so, anyway,

I, uh, made this for you.

It looks like a thumb,
but... it's a finger.

I whittled it. It's, it's dumb.

You don't have to wear it.

I love it.

And I didn't know you whittled.

There's a lot you
don't know about me.

Actually, that's kind of it.

(winces)

- You good?
- I, I would love it out.

The, uh, um, I...
I'll go get someone.

- Please.
- You keep breathin'.

- Thank you. Please.
- Okay.

It's been a while.

(grunting)

So, I was thinking, um,
should we serve food?

Be a whole other revenue
stream, you know?

- A theme night, or maybe Singles Night...
- Shut the f*ck up.

I don't pay you to think.

Food means kitchen,
menus, waitstaff.

You think I wanna
mess with a waitstaff?

You think Jackie don't have
enough overhead as it is?

I've a more lucrative
proposal in mind.

If you're open to it.

Get this man a drink.

(intense Spanish guitar playing)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪