02x02 - The Witch of East Chatswin

[bunniefuu]

Glitter dusted pumpkins,
industrial size candy-corn,

and a motion sensor giggle
machine could only mean one thing:

it was stripper-shoe season in Chatswin...

or as it's known to the layman...

Halloween.

I would now like to present my
design concept for this year's

Halloween costume.

Slutty skunk.

Using a very sparkling chain

that goes from by belly piercing to my tail

I would then spread
cheap drugstore perfumes,

on my enemies,

from my butt.

That I haven't seen before.

I'm sorry. I just...

I... I can't keep silent on this any longer.

Sisters,

doesn't society degrade us enough,

what, with the beer ads

and the wage gap

and the chart-topping
return of Chris Brown?

By using Halloween to objectify yourselves,

you are only adding fuel to the fire.

Slutty firefighter.

I soak my thong in kerosene...

I give up.

You know me, Marcheeza,
I'd never leave something

as critical as a Halloween costume

to the last minute,

but this year I was sincerely stumped.

And then last night, it
hit me like Chris Brown.

I returned to my very own dream home,

I looked into my oversized
gold-framed mirror and thought,

it's time... Barbie time.

Spread legs.

You make a good point, 'Cheez.

No Barbie would be complete without Ken.

There's a gentleman I've
been circling for over a year,

and now on the sluttiest of autumn nights,

and beneath the bust of my busty

ample-busted mentor Joy Behar,

I plan to ask George Altman out.

Hey.

I, uh, I got your text

saying there was something
wrong with the light thingy?

Oh, silly me.

Uh, it turns out, it
wasn't that light thingy.

It was another thingy altogether.

Well, that's the thing about thingies.

Too true.

That is too, too true.

Will you help me down?

As you know, the club's big Halloween bash

is tomorrow night,

and since I'm going as Barbie,

I was hoping that maybe I
could convince you to be Ken.

Me, Ken?

I don't think I could pull off Ken.

Oh, I think you could.

No, trust me. I'm not your guy.

Oh.

Well, if you say so.

But I am definitely going to the party,

so I've gotta come up with a costume.

I'll see you there?

Yeah. Well, yes, you will.

I gotta run.

Are you sure you don't
need help with that thingy?

Nope.

As it turns out, there
was no thingy at all.

Okay.

It's an opportunity to be
whatever you want to be,

and what do they want?

They want to show ass cleavage.

I just don't understand
why girls here are s...

are so determined to degrade themselves.

Dance like nobody's watching. Am I right?

No. What?

Are... are you even listening to me?

Not really.

When you start ranting,

I tend to start shopping in
the craft store of my mind.

Aisle one is bead kits,

decorative snaps,

wood glue.

Hey!

Aisle four has glitter sticks.

There's an express checkout
if you have less than items,

but I never do.

Lisa, did you just see that?

I think someone's been following me.

Hey, what if I just put on

a, uh, a blazer and went as Seinfeld?

What
would be the deal with that?

Fresh.

I mean, doorbells...
what's the deal with those?

It's not a door. It's not a bell.

It is, dad. It is a
bell, and it's on a door.

There's no deal with them.

What's the deal with you?

What
is the deal with you?

I see. So that's your Halloween costume?

Okay.

This is supposed to be me?

Ah, okay. You're supposed to be me.

Ah, okay.
You're supposed to be me. Ah!

Your voice, it's like

Kathleen Turner after drinking a milkshake.

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.



[Alih Jay] ♪ last night I
had a pleasant nightmare ♪

x
The Witch of East Chatswin

Did you know that the Pygmies

have their own macrame tradition?

Or micro-me, if you will.

I will not.

Did you check out that weird book?

No.

I have no idea how this got in here.

Something strange is going on, Lisa.

Somebody was watching me in the bathroom,

and now this shows up in my bag.

And... what are these weird symbols?

Oh, those aren't symbols.
Those are runes...

Celtic runes.

I may be able to decipher this thanks to

a "Lord of the dance" phase
I went through freshman year.

Let's just see.

Aah!

Satan scrawl! Scrawl of Satan!

You give me that... that evil screed

lest thy hands be b*rned.

How dare you bring this into my house.

I didn't mean to.

It just kind of showed up in my bag.

Of course it did.

That is exactly how she works.

Who?

She whose
name must not be spoken.

The witch of East Chatswin.

You know her?

Know her?
I endured one of life's

most twisted and brutal rituals with her.

Middle school.

Back in those days,

young ladies didn't open
their own pudding cups,

but then, the witch was no lady.

While the rest of us girls were learning

to bake cinnamon pinwheels in Home Ec...

The witch took shop.

And when my Holly
Homemaker doll went missing,

I knew just what diabolical
creature was to blame.

Join me, Sheila.

Never, Paula.

Turns out her name can be spoken.

It's... it's Paula.

I knew it.

Two minutes in the microwave
on the popcorn setting,

and not even a singe.

Her evil is more potent than ever.

Mmm. Oh, seconds to
succulence, my sweet.

Get those steaks off the grill, Fred.

Oh.

Mrs. shay, you haven't b*rned a book

since "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy.

You know, instead of following
me around ridiculing me,

you could actually help me with the chores.

You
could actually help me

with the chores.

I like it. That's good.

See, irritated George goes up in register.

He goes nasal.

This isn't even a good me.

No one's gonna buy it.

Hey, George.

Nice to see you getting
the cans out on time.

Now try bringing 'em in before
the return of the Messiah.

I
have a willful daughter.

I know.

You know what?

I need to thank you.

Why?

For showing you the man in the mirror?

No.

For helping me decide what
I'm gonna be for Halloween.

Hello?

Halloween day...

I had a costume to plan,

a book report to finish,

and apparently...

a witch on my ass.

It's the only explanation.

She's marked you for
human sacrifice on this,

the devil's sabbath.

That's the only explanation, huh?

I don't know.

She is working pretty hard to contact me.

Kind of flattering.

A little black dress is flattering.

Maybe we don't have the same
definition of flattering.

Tessa...

this is a woman that
my mother is scared of.

My mother, the woman who once
chased away a Mountain lion

with nothing but an arched eyebrow?

Aren't you just a little
bit curious, though?

Curiosity k*lled the cat. I
shouldn't have to remind you.

But if you won't listen to me...

let us consult the spirits.

I'm not a huge believ...

Spirits,

will Tessa fall into harm's way

if she pays a visit to
the witch of east Chatswin?

You pushed it.

The spirits work through me. Deal with it.

Lisa.

Tessa.

Look,

I am from Manhattan, okay?

I used to ride the subway.

Tessa, I mean this in
the nicest possible way,

but... living in the
suburbs has turned you soft.

You've lost your edge.

I mean, the old you may
have been able to take on

a witch like the witch of East Chatswin,

but the new you is safer here,

in my trundle bed.

Wouldn't you agree?

George's transformation
into Noah had begun,

and it wasn't gonna be pretty.

Let's do this, b*tches.

It was all fun and games until...

Good-bye, old friend.

W... who did this to you?

I did this to myself.

But why?

Tessa, there are things in life that you do

because you have to,

not because you want to.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm about to go deep on this bronzer.

If George was brave enough
to face his naked face,

then I was brave enough to
meet the witch of East Chatswin.

You know whose confidence
this wouldn't shake?

Barbie.

Bitch owns her own home, has
mastered many professions,

and in some cases, she can
regenerate her own ponytail.

Let her be an inspiration
to us both, Marcheeza.

Marcheeza!

You don't look old!

I'm gonna make you proud tonight, Marcheez.

With or without a Ken.

Boys, hands where I can see 'em.

Ladies, they will not buy the cow.

I am talking to you, Pocahontas.

That horn-rimmed look
is working for me, Velma.

You like a bossy girl?

Do ya?

Go get me a couple of pumpkin mini muffins.

Done.

Whoa. What's... what's going on, man?

You dressed as Fred?

When we said Scooby g*ng, I just assumed...

- You assumed what?
- I just figured...

You... you figured what?

That you would be Shaggy.

Oh, so there it is.

No, now it's on the table. I... I'm Shaggy?

I... I'm Shaggy, right?

What's wrong with Shaggy?

Well, you tell me, brother,

'cause I don't see you dressed as Shaggy.

- I see you dressed as Fred.
- Well, because...

Oh, or maybe you thought I was
gonna be Scooby Doo, mother...

Malik, the g*ng has a more pressing issue.

Daphne's missing.

You can do this.

You're not soft.

You're the same girl who went
to a house party in Brooklyn

at the wrong house.

You had to run two blocks
from that sketchy dude.

However sketchy the witch is,

she couldn't be as sketchy
as that sketchy dude.

I stand corrected.

Tessa. Join us.

Oh, my gosh. Yes.

Yes.

I'll totally join you.
I can't wait to join you.

I gotta go get my cloak out of my car

'cause I don't want to
be the only one cloakless.

What can I get you, sir?

Wow. Great service.

A beer, please.

Right away. Shall I start a tab?

Certainly.

Did not know you did that here.

Hm-hm-hm.

Noah Werner, I presume.

Beer, please.

That'll be $ . , including gratuity.

I need the payment up front.

I'm getting
very different treatment

dressed as you, George.

You don't say.

Ow.

Life is brutal behind the flannel curtain.

Okay, look, just because
I don't float through life

sockless in nubuck loafers
does not mean I'm inferior.

You think I float through life?

I've worked hard, damn hard,
for everything I've got.

Dental school was no picnic.

Although we did take a
lot of meals out of doors.

But that's mainly because

the weather is so mild in
that part of the Caribbean.

Well, it looks like at least one person

doesn't think being me is so inferior.

Are you implying that she's
more attracted to me as you

than she would be to me as me?

Hi. Hmm. Looks like she's not feeling it.

Well, I think that she is just repulsed

by your sad attempt at me.

Your teeth are the color of oatmeal,

your... your tan has no depth,

- and... and this shirt looks like it's made of...
- hey.

Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts!

So sorry, sir.

We normally try to keep
his kind out of here.

Yeah, but they're everywhere, aren't they?

There's no way she followed me here.

She... she had guests.

They were right in the middle of chanting.

You don't leave chanting guests!

Aah! Don't eat me! Don't eat me.

My flesh is fibrous and stringy

and you'd have to boil
me for hours and hours,

and even then...

Wait. Eat you?

I'm a pesco-vegetarian.

Paula Weingelb.

Not sure what you heard about me,

but I'm not a witch.

But I saw your coven...

standing around your cauldron.

You mean my book club,

standing around the
pumpkin soup that I made?

Mmm. Warms the bones.

I do it without dairy.

So you're not a witch?

Nope.

I'm just a -year-old woman
who hasn't had any work done

and appreciates the drape
of a forgiving silhouette.

, huh?

Yeah. Did a lot of sun.

We didn't know back
then how damaging it was.

Okay.

So then why have you been following me?

When I heard you laying
down righteous truths

on those blonde bots in the
crap house the other day,

I knew I finally found a kindred spirit,

which is why I wanted you to read my book

on female empowerment.

The school board banned it years ago,

so occasionally I sneak
copies into the library...

and the supply closet.

So... you're not a witch?

You're just a feminist?

In Chatswin, those words
mean the same thing.

Well, I will tell you something, Paula.

I definitely know how it
feels to be unfairly labeled.

And I am not even dismissing
the whole cloak thing.

There she is!

The witch!

The bitch.

She's back.

[ Aqua ] ♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in the Barbie world ♪

Nice entrance, hon.

I counted three dirty looks
and at least five death stares.

Now who needs matchy-matchy
man candy on their arm?

I can inspire just as much jealousy

sailing in with a skipper like you.

It's hard work, but it's rewarding.

Okay, you grab a virgin
colada while I powder,

and then we'll do another lap.

Vodka-cranberry, please.

Just do it. I have a bladder infection.

Service people, right?

Yeah. Yeah, can't, uh, can't live with 'em,

don't know how to park your own car.

Mr. Altman?

You look so better.

Thank you.

I mean, normally you look like the guy

who services the security system

on Barbie's dream house.

But tonight, you could
almost pass for a Ken.

♪ undress me everywhere ♪

♪ imagination ♪

There.

Now you're perfect.

Mommy was super sad

when you said you didn't
want to be her Ken.

Yeah, but let's be honest.

Who in their right mind
wants to dress up like Ken?

She wasn't asking you to dress up as Ken.

She was asking you to be her Ken.

Her Ken!

Oh.

Her Ken.

As in Barbie's date?

I didn't know she felt that way.

George Altman, as I live and breathe.

Look at you, all blond and beardless.

Dallas, listen to me.

Don't be angry with me.

I didn't know what you were asking

when you were asking me to be Ken.

Oh, it doesn't matter,
George. It's all behind us.

I'm here with my fun-loving
kid sister skipper.

No, listen to me.

We're... we're flirty friends.

We've been flirty friends
for over a year now.

I didn't know...

that other thing was on the table.

So are you telling me it's on the table?

You tell me. Is it on the table?

'Cause I put it on the table,

and you didn't pull up a chair.

Okay. Dallas...

I'd like to go on a date with you.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

Why yes, I would.

I thought you'd never ask.

Her Ken!

Did somebody give my daughter a drink?

How do you explain those spots on her face?

She didn't have a beach cloak.

The mark of the devil.

It is a natural, beautiful part of aging.

I am .

Look, I think that this is
all a big misunderstanding.

Paula's trying to do
good. We should join her.

Join her?

Are you gonna do to Tessa

what you did to my Holly Homemaker doll?

That doll reinforced
unhealthy gender stereotypes.

It was a protest.

It was a violation,

just like you violated my pudding cup.

I was trying to teach you
how to do things for yourself.

And the lick?

That lick was my reward.

She won't stop until she's
brainwashed all our children.

Get her.

I've never been on this
side of a hate mob before.

I kinda get it now. It's exhilarating.

Oh, witchcraft! Fred, my purse!

I'm clutching it, dear.

Oh!

Oh, darn it. She's gone.

She must have turned into a crow

and flown back to hell.

Well, that's a wrap.
Better get to steppin'.

Where's everybody going?

It's over, Wolfe.

It's over.

I was gonna bludgeon her.

I know you were.

Hmm.

Machine washable.

Man...

I thought I suffered taking the hair off.

It's way worse coming back in.

Well, now you know what
a woman goes through.

Wax it off and suffer the itches

or grow it out and...

suffer the b*tches.

The what?

The women who judge you
for being unconventional.

Oh.

It takes a lot of guts to
be a feminist in this town.

Hey, you don't have to tell me.

I consider myself a
male feminist, and I got

the Mary Chapin Carpenter
records to prove it.

Hey, you know who else
was probably a feminist?

Hmm?

Alex, right? My mom?

I mean, think about it...

to walk away from the role
that was thrust upon her...

O... okay, nobody thrusted...

She must have known that
she was gonna get judged

pretty harshly for doing it.

In a way...

it was kind of brave.

Mm... mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey, man. What's up?

Hey.

I was gonna donate these plaid
shirts I bought to Goodwill.

Then I thought

I'd drive over here, see if
you wanted 'em first, for free.

Thanks. They're so me.

'Sup, Red?

Look...

I'm sorry if I

got a little carried away
with my George impersonation.

I know that Jill wasn't excited

when I went as her last year.

Although, I gotta say, I had her down.

Stop touching me.

Get your hands off of me. That hurts.

Solid Jill.