04x16 - The Thing/Hocus Pocus

[bunniefuu]

(wind whistling)

(squeaking)

It's too quiet.

Something isn't right
around here.

Could it be, SpongeBob is gone
for the evening?

Here's to a delightful evening

alone with you,
public television.

♪ ♪

(slurping)

(SpongeBob laughing loudly)

(growling)

(SpongeBob laughing)

Do it again. Do it again.

Okay.

(laughing)

(grunting)

(both laughing)

Will you two be quiet!

I'm trying to watch
public television.

Do it again, do it again.

If those two want to ruin
my quiet evening at home,

they're going to have to do
better than that.

(soft jazz playing)

(pounding on door,
music stops)

(growls):
What?

Squidward!

(SpongeBob sighs)

(Patrick sighs)

You're still there,
aren't you?

Good evening, Squidward.

Not so fast.

You two little monsters aren't
about to ruin my evening.

Oh, we're not here to ruin it.

We're here to enhance it.

Isn't that right, Pat?

Yeah, we're here...

Can't a hard-working squid
get a little TV time alone?

(sighing)

SpongeBob?

Patrick?

Oh, what's the point?

(soft jazz playing,
SpongeBob and Patrick slurping)

Could you turn it up?

Uh, Squidward,

could you turn it down a little?

Squidward, what's
this about?

Squidward, how come
he's so emotional?

Is he the bad guy?

Squidward.
Squidward.

Squidward.
Squidward.

Squidward. \
h-Squidward. Squidward.

(screaming)

That's it!

All I wanted to do was
watch some smooth jazz

on public television.

But apparently that's
not going to happen.

Once again I'm going to have
to leave my own home

just to get
some peace and quiet.

Enjoy my TV.

(grunts)

Oh, wait, I think
I've seen this before.

This part's funny.

l'm going to go
somewhere far away,

somewhere far away
from those two

watching public television
on my TV. Bah!

They wouldn't know real culture

even if it hit them like a truck
full of cement.

Oh.

(muffled screaming)

(screaming)

Day five, I think.

I've been waddling these fields.

I'm hungry, tired and lost.

The only good thing
about this is no SpongeBob.

Jellyfish Fields?

(laughter)
(humming)

What is that thing, Patrick?

I don't know.

Let's get a closer look.

(muffled screaming)

Hi, stranger.
I am SpongeBob.

(sniffing)

(toilet flushing)

(muffled growling)

(screaming)

(muffled whining)

Wait a minute.

Maybe he's not a monster.

Maybe he's an endangered
species.

(mumbling)

We should help him.

Yeah, help him.

Go away. Can't you tell
nobody wants you?

You're endangered.

Not like that.

With lots of love
and affection.

We can take care of him.

(muffled shouting)

Well, Smelly,

here you are.
Your new home.

Oh, Smelly, this is going
to be great.

We'll be one big happy family.

Let me show you around.

Here's your bed, Smelly.

(muffled whimpering)

Here's your food bowl.

And some kibble.

You can live here
forever and ever.

Oh, look, Pat.

He's crying tears of joy.

Well, Smelly, there's one more
family member you haven't met.

Smelly, meet Gary.

Aww, look at that, Smelly.
Gary likes you.

(cat snarling)

(muffled screaming)
Gary, no!

Gary.
(hissing)

I don't think Gary
likes Smelly.

Yeah, Gary's never att*cked
anyone like that

except Squidward.

I guess Smelly can't live here.

Ah! He can come
home with me.

That's a great idea, Patrick.

You've always wanted a pet.

(muffled screaming)

Isn't that cute?

Look how excited he is
to get to your house.

Bye, Smelly.
Have fun at Patrick's.

(muffled screaming)

No, no, Smelly, Squidward
doesn't like pets.

Hey, Smelly, want
to play catch?

(muffled yelling)

Don't worry, you'll
get the hang of it.

Almost.

Again.

So close.

Yeah, now you're...

(panicked grunting):
Smelly!

Oh.

What's gotten in to you?

(growling)

Hello? Animal Control?

There's a wild animal loose
in my house.

(speaking gibberish)
Sure, I'll hold.

(music playing)

(muffled screaming)

Smelly! Come back.

Smelly!

(over PA):
Freeze.

Oh, what's all the commotion?

(sirens wailing)

(over PA):
You're surrounded.
There is no way out.

Smelly.

SPONGEBOB:
Excuse me. Pardon me.

If I can just scootch
through there.

Excuse me. Pardon me, excuse me.

You leave Smelly alone.

He's just a poor,
dumb, wild animal.

Wild animals
don't belong here, son.

They belong in the zoo.
Get him, boys.

(muffled grunting)

(sniffing)

(growling) (muffled
screaming)

Smelly.

Mommy, what is that thing?

l don't know,
but it's hideous, isn't it?

(laughter)

This isn't good.

You're absolutely right.

It needs mustard.

No one should be treated
like that,

not even someone
as ugly as Smelly.

Something needs to be done
about this.

And I know exactly
what that thing is.

(whispering)

Okay, Patrick,
remember the plan?

Uh, yeah, this one, right?

No, not that.

I'm talking about the plan

to break Smelly out
of this animal prison.

Mmm. Good plan.

All right, I'll go down first.

Keep a look out and follow me.

You're my hero.

SpongeBob!

Help! Ah!

Shh, we'll get caught.

Ah! What? I can't hear you.

I'm screaming too loud.

Ah!

Huh?

Fear no longer, dear Smelly,
we are here to rescue you.

Understand?

We are taking you home.

(muffled shouting)
Look how excited he is.

Flip the switch, Patrick.

Smelly, you're free.

(helicopter blades whirring)

You're surrounded.
There's no use trying to run.

Run, Patrick, run!

(sirens wailing)
(men shouting)

Faster, Patrick.

(shouting)

I'll let Smelly
go first.

(grunting)

(moans)

(nose honks)

Don't worry, Smelly,
you're safe with us.

I think we lost them.

Well, we're all
one big happy family again.

Let's see where
this dark sewer tunnel leads.

SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK:
♪ Fra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la. ♪

(muffled sobbing)

Oh, it's all right, Smelly.

Soon we'll be home
and you can sleep

in that cozy little pet carrier
you love so much.

(muffled screaming and sobbing)

Hey, I see light.

You're right, Patrick.

That must be the way out.

Whoa... where are we?

(distant animal noises)

Let's go ask those guys.

Um, excuse us.

(low murmuring)

Hey, they look just like you.

Go, be with your
real family.

Go ahead, Smelly.

(muffled screaming)

I know you've come to think
of us as a family,

but it's better this way.

(low murmuring)

(sniffs)
I'm going to miss
him, SpongeBob.

Me, too, buddy.

Me, too, but he's with his
own kind now, where he belongs,

and on that note, let us go
back to where we belong.

(low murmuring)

(soft jazz playing)

Ah... salutations, my children.

Are you ready for your
daily dose of smooth jazz?

(excited murmuring)

(crackling)

(chuckles nervously):
Um... hi.

Come on, stovie,
pop that corn!

(popcorn popping)

Get ready, Gary!

(SpongeBob panting)

Incoming!

(mews)

(popcorn ricocheting)

Popcorn is served!

(crunching)

(music plays over TV)

That, bro, is trouble
at any car wash.

SHOW ANNOUNCER:
We will return to Bikini Bottom
Car Wash after these messages.

(gulps)

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER:
Are you boring?

Yes. Yes, I am.

When friends describe you,
do they use words like...

Ha-ha-ha!

Don't forget "platitudinous."

Yes, that, too, Charlie.

But what if I told you that
you could change all that

with the magic of...

magic!

(laughing)

l look like
some kind of magician.

Now people won't ignore me.

Let's hope not, Charlie.

With my Mister Magic
Magical Magic Kit,

even you can impress and amaze
your friends.

I want to impress and amaze
my friends!

Just send $ . to me,
Mister Magic!

(panting)

(grunting)

(grunting)

One magic kit,

and another one
of these yellow things.

Here it is!

Mister Magic's
Magical Magic Kit!

(gasps):
Look at all this!

A book of spells,
my very own wand of whimsy.

The beard of Rasputin.

And, of course,
the all-important

license to practice magic.

(slurping)

(jazz playing quietly)

(slurps then sighs)

Squidward!

He'll appreciate
my newly delivered skill.

Brine soda,
low-fat seaweed crisps,

cool jazz.

Mm, mm, mm, Squidward,
you have done it.

You have officially
spoiled yourself rotten.

Well, let the rotting
continue, friend,

while I impress and
amaze you with...

magic!

Magic?

Can you make yourself
disappear, SpongeBob?

(laughs):
Silly Squidward!

l won't learn
vanishing spells

until I become a
level ten wizard.

No, I'd better start
with something simpler.

Say, card conjuring?

Here, hold this
simple playing card

while I transform it
into a magic playing card

before your very eyes.

Let's see.

(wheezing)
Step one.

This can't possibly end soon.

Which brings us
to... step three.

Juggle something.

Well, if you insist, Mr. Magic.

I don't care where
you're going,

just take me
away from here.

Then, take one card
and shove it in your ear.

(crying)

But I don't like pistachio!

Then why did you ask for it?

(crying)
(sighs)

And finally, just say the words
"Hobris-pobris."

(gasps):
Squidward!

My simple card trick has turned
you into an ice-cream cone.

Which means...

I am a level ten wizard!

I suppose I should change you
back to squid form.

Presto!

Uh, let's see.

Ah, uh-huh.

Alakazam!

(gasps)

Abracadabra.

Hoogily-doogily.

Hobra-cobra. Oh!

Open sesame?

Uh, change-o back-o
to Squidward-o, please-o?

Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward.
(sniffs)

l've transformed you
into a delicious dairy dessert,

and I can't change you back!

There, there, Squidward.

There is no need to cry.

I promise you will continue
your normal life,

despite the fact
that you are now edible.

(sizzling)

Whoa-ho-ho!

Oh!

(screams)

Squidward!

Speak to me.

Speak!

(breathing heavily)

(shouting gibberish)

(breathing heavily)

Hey, Squid, are you okay?

Hey, Squid, are you still okay?

(yells, laughs)

Hey, Squidward,
I got something for you.

Someone to keep you company

in that drab old freezer.

Oh, aren't they cute?

l promise to stand by as
an eternal guard over my buddy.

Hi, SpongeBob, what you doing?

I have turned poor Squidward
into a frozen dessert!

That's awful.

How tragic.

Poor Squidward.

It's all... my... fault.

Did you say frozen dessert?

Yeah.

l turned him into a tasty
soft-serve with a waffle cone.

Oh... soft serve.

Patrick!

Stop eating Squidward!

Oh, sorry.

Patrick!

Pat...
But he's so tasty!

(slurping)

(screaming)

Look, Patrick,
don't you understand?

This isn't just your
ordinary ice-cream cone.

It's pistachio.

No!

It's Squidward.

And no matter what happens,
I promised him

that I would watch over him

to ensure his soft,
frozen life is unchanged.

(slurping)

(screaming)

Patrick!

Squidward has melted.

Quick, call the police.

What am I going to do?

Oh, Neptune, it's all my fault.

What have I done?!

What have I done? Aah!

What have I done? Aah!

What have I done? Aah!

It's all your fault.

Curse you,
Mister Magic Magical Magic Kit!

Curse you!

Hey, that's it.

There's the answer
to our problems.

Warning: from
ages to .

No, Patrick, the one mystic
being that can help us...

Mr. Magic.

Just follow the brown-tiled road

to the most mysterious
mystic of them all.

No one's ever seen
him in person.

VOICE:
Enter!

Who dares to see Mister Magic?

(both screaming)

Speak up!

It is I, SpongeBob
of the SquarePants,

Magician Level One,

and I have changed my friend
into ice cream.

Good job.

Well, thank you, but, well,
I can't change him back.

Hmm, um, well, have you ever
thought of a different hobby?

I need your help
to change him back.

My help?

Uh, no, thank you.

But if you don't, my friend
will be a cone forever.

Sorry, I... um...
I'm out to lunch, that's it.

I'll wait.
l'm on a two-year lunch.

No, please.

Silence!

But, sir,

no one else has
your power of sorcery.

Thank... you.

Hey, SpongeBob,

there's a guy over here
talking into a tubey thing.

Uh, ignore your friend.

The fish you see
is only an illusion.
Huh?

Why's he saying the same thing
Mister Magic's saying?

I don't know, Patrick.

Who are you, good sir?

Well, I, uh,
I'm Horace B. Magic.

Are you Mister Magic?

(chuckles):
Technically, yes,

but the only magic around here
is the magic of business.

Does that mean you can't
change my friend back?

Oh.

(chuckles):
I'm, I'm afraid not.

So sorry about that, laddie.

Your refund check
is in the mail.

I don't need a refund!

I want my friend back!

This isn't about money.

You're nothing but a fake.

Just a lying,
corporate businessman,

tainting the purity of magic

with your corrupt,
commercial ways.

You have ruined my faith
in the magical arts.

(sobbing)

Security.

(sobbing)

What are we going to do
about Squidward?

We could always eat him.
l'm kind of hungry.

(stomach growling)

Mister Magic was a fake.

And all this magic stuff
is fake.

All those magic words,
they were fake.

Yacky, schmacky, bappy, dappy,

doppy, goffy, boffy...

(SpongeBob speaking gibberish)

Eww.

What are you doing, SpongeBob?

Squidward!

You're back.

The magic words worked.

I really am magic
after all.

Can I turn you
into something else now?

(motorcycle approaching)

Hey, stop.

Get me out of here.

(stomach growling)

Hey, SpongeBob?

I'm still hungry.

Will you turn me into
a jar of mayonnaise

so I can eat myself?

Sure, buddy.

Patrick-a mayonnaise-icka.