06x10 - Thanksgiving '93

[bunniefuu]

[harmonica]

No beer?

Oh, I think Mark
took the last one.

I'll get you more beer, Dan.

After all,
it is thanksgiving,

The day where
I do everything

And the rest of you
sit around like
Plymouth Rock.

[Dan]
fine. Don't get the beer.

No, I feel
I should, Dan.

I mean, you do too much,

What with having to carve
the turkey tomorrow

From : to : .

Mom, why don't you let me
do the cooking this year?

I mean, ever since
we've moved in here,

I've just felt
like a burden,

Especially seeing how much
dad hates having Mark around.

Oh, Becky,
you're no burden.

Well, what about
dad hating Mark?

What makes you feel
like you're a burden?

Come on, mom.
You're doing
everything for us.

Please?

Okay, i'll let you do it.

I'll let you do
all the cooking,

All the cleaning up...
And all the laundry.

The laundry?

I took a sh*t.

[phone rings]

Hey, by the way,
you're out of beer.

[ring]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Darlene.

Um, what time is your
bus coming in?

Actually, mom,
I was wondering
if instead of coming home

It'd be okay if I went
to michigan to see David.

You know, I don't really get
to see him that often.

Yeah, well, I guess you're
kinda obligated.

After all,
he gives you money
anytime you ask for it.

Oh, no, wait!
That's me!

Mom, I gotta
spend time with him

Or he's gonna start
seeing someone else.

Why? Is there some rush
all of a sudden

Fine. Go ahead. Go.

[Darlene]
thanks.

[sighs] don't feel guilty
about missing your
great-grandma.

I'm sure she can
hang on 'til christmas.

Okay, bye.

Wow. She bought it?
Yeah.

We should join together
and give thanks.

[theme]

[laughs]

Turkey's about ready.

Did you make
the stuffing?

Mother, i've taken care
of everything.

For once we can have
a thanksgiving

Where you don't have to
yell and scream at everybody.

Well, gee, you might
as well just
take the carols

Right out of christmas.

Hello!
Hey, jacks!

Did you bring
the cranberry sauce
like I asked?

Isn't that cute?
Just like a little Roseanne.

What time did you get up?

Look at the circles
under your eyes.

[chuckles]
it's not cute anymore.

You need some
help with that?

No, no, no,
I got it.

Oh, good.

I see you got the, uh...

Canned yams
and the carrots.

By the way,
I invited Fred.

And the potato buds--
Roseanne!

Well, Dan said he doesn't
have any family here,

And, you know,
it's thanksgiving,

And nobody should be
alone on thanksgiving...

Except maybe mom.

Alone? Really?

But still, ever since
he got me pregnant,

Mom's been pushing me
to go out with him,

And if she sees him here,

She's just gonna think
I listen to her.

If she thinks
I listen to her,

She's gonna keep
talking to me.

Well, don't worry about it.

We'll just tell her
that Fred won a turkey
when he slept with ya.

I just caught
the biggest rat
you've ever seen

In that trap
out in the garage.

Unless...

What color is
the Martin's dog?

Need some help
taking care of that?

Nah, i'll get it later.

You sure?
Yeah, i'm sure.

Suit yourself.

[scoffs]
thanks a lot, dad.

Mark, wait.

Jeez.

Can't you even make an effort
to try to be nice to him?

I don't know, Roseanne.

I just find it
a little awkward
sharing a house

With a guy who
eloped with my
-year-old daughter.

And now he's run off
with my beer.

Hello.
Hey, Fred.

Hi.
Hi, Jackie.

Glad you could
make it, Fred.

Yeah.
Well, with cousins,

My family could use
the extra room
at the kids' table.

cousins.

I didn't know Fred
had cousins.

We're a fertile people,
Jackie.

Guess I don't need
to tell you that.

You know, Fred,
us being here

Is making it very
hard for them

To talk about us
behind out back.

To the living room
for football!

No family for
thanksgiving, huh?

Stop trying
to shove us together.

Correct me if i'm wrong,

But I think
the two of you

Have already been
shoved together.

[doorbell rings]

Happy thanksgiving,
everybody!

You know, I had a lot more
chips in here,

But shirley ate them all
on the way down.

Hello, Jackie!

Is it true you're gonna let
little betty

Cook the whole dinner
this thanksgiving?

Mother, hang your coat up,
dear, right over there.

All right.

Roseanne,
it's awful.

This started last month
and it's gotten worse.

She keeps confusing me
with your aunt shirley.

She forgets everything.

I'm afraid your nana Mary's
mind is going.

Oh, I know
this little guy!

You're, um...
Uh...Uh...Uh...

D.J.

D.J.! That's right!
Of course! D.J.!

All right, honey,
you better run home now.

We're gonna have
our dinner.

Hi, nana Mary!

Hello, little Betty!

Oh, it's nice--
uh...

It's nice to see her again.
She's cute.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, um,
her name is Becky, not Betty.

Yeah!

And i'm not Jackie,
i'm Roseanne. Roseanne?

Roseanne?
Yes.

Jackie is the one
that tried to...

Iron your neck
when she was .

Oh, my achin' back.

That wasn't Jackie,
that was you, Roseanne.

Well...What's going on?

Listen, i'm not senile.

I'm just having a little
fun with your mother.

Wow. That is so cool.

I'm gonna remember that
for when i'm old

And little Betty's
all grown up.

I know.

Fred, um, this is
my nana Mary.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Fred.

You're the guy that finally
knocked up Jackie.

I hear that you busted
right through the condom.

I don't think I should
sit too close to him, huh?

Is this too close?

I see Fred is here.

How "with it"
for our Jackie

To invite the father
of her child
to thanksgiving.

No, she didn't invite him,
I did.

What is wrong with
the girl, Roseanne?

I keep telling her that
child needs a father.

Well, that's exactly
what's wrong.

If you keep telling her that,
she's never gonna do it.

So what should
I do then?
Just say nothing?

No. I mean,
I would enjoy that, but...

You see, if you
really want Jackie
to get together with him

Then you should tell her
that you hate him.

That's ridiculous.

No, it isn't.

Our whole lives
we've done everything

Just to disappoint you.

Why do you think
I live like this?

Fine, Roseanne.

If I have to lie
in order to give
advice to my daughter,

Then so be it.

By the way,
your cheekbone makeup
is lovely!

The more you use,
the more I like it.

Mark!

It's thanksgiving
and you're a guy.

Your job is to be out there
watching football.

I don't know
anything about it.

I haven't cared
about football

Since I was about
years old.

Well, just say
what you know.

Dad will appreciate
the effort.

Or you could stay in here
with us girls

And talk about
Jackie's hemorrhoids.

Standing's getting to be
worse than sitting.

I don't know.

[tv announcer]
draw play, Barry Sanders.

Looking for running room.

Turns to the right side.
To the ...

It's too bad about old
brian piccolo, huh?

Well, that wasn't too bad.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hey, Darlene.
How's it going?

Hello, Jackie.
Hi, mom.

You and nana Mary
have a nice drive?

Yes!

Now she's in there
entertaining Fred...Hhmmph.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, you want me in there
entertaining Fred.

I told you before, mom,
he's not my boyfriend.

No? Well, thank heaven!

Him being here for
thanksgiving and all,

I was afraid he was.

Whew!

You don't want him
to be my boyfriend?

Him?

Eessh!

Why not?

Because he's not good.
He's bad.

He's bad, that's why.

I just thought
i'd let you know.

So, Fred...

We have a little time
before dinner.

Do you ever wonder what sex
is gonna be like with Jackie...

Say, in years?

Fred...

Even though you have
a full beer in your hand,

My guess is that
you'd like

To go to the kitchen
right now and get
another one.

You read my mind.

Hey, kid,
rub my feet, will ya?

Wait for me!

Mother--
[sighs]--

What were you just
trying to pull in there?

Whatever are you
talking about?

Roseanne,
you gotta hear this.

For three months now,
she's been trying to get
me to go out with Fred.

Now, all of a sudden,
she doesn't
like him anymore.

I don't think nana Mary
is the only one around
here losing her mind.

Oh, Jenny,
give it to her good.

By the way, when do we start
hunting for the eggs?

I haven't lost my mind.

Maybe i've just
changed my mind.

No, I know what
you're doing.

What, did you read about
reverse psychology

In ladies' home journal
or something?

Can you believe this,
Roseanne?

[laughs nervously]

No, I don't believe it.

I don't believe it at all.

God, mom,
it's so lame!

Try to give jackie
a little credit.

It was her!
It was all her!

She made me do it!
That's so ridiculous!

Roseanne!

I didn't say
anything like that.

It's totally untrue.

You think I would do--

All right, I did.

I can't believe
you would use mom
to manipulate me.

Well, I applaud her efforts
to get you two together.

You got pregnant,
Jackie.

Now you must face
the consequences
and marry the father.

Oh, come off it, bev!

You think everybody's
gotta make the same stupid
mistake you made?

What?
Mother.

So you got yourself
knocked up with Roseanne

And you had
to get married.

That doesn't mean
Jackie has to do it.

You were pregnant
with me before
you married dad?

Damn right she was.

We always lied about
the day she got married.

She got married June .

And you were born
in November .

Do a little math.

You are not senile,
you're just mean!

You promised me that
you would never tell that!

No one in this whole family
cares about me!

My children don't love me!
You don't love me!

I'm all alone! Alone!

I'm going after her, Dan.

Release the dogs.

You okay, Jackie?

Get out of my way, Fred.
I'm not missing this.

Yeah, Fred,
we're quite a family.

Now that you've gotten
one of us pregnant,

It's too late to escape.

[laughs]

[laughing manically]

[football game on tv]

Dad, mom and Jackie
are still chasing grandma.

So can you put
the leaves in the table?

Yeah, okay.

Mark will help you.

No, I can do it.

Fine.

That's just great, dad.

You won't even let Mark
help you with the table?

It's not that big a job.

It's got nothing
to do with that.

[sighs]
fine. I'll let him
help me with the table.

I know he's looking
for work.

He keeps on trying
to be nice to you,

And you won't even be
in the same room with him!

Ow!
[crash]

Becky?
Dad!

What happened?
I b*rned my hand!

I'll get some ice.

What's the matter?
It hurts!
I b*rned my hand!

Stick it under
cold water.

No, ice is better.
She's all right!

How did it happen?

What's the difference
how it happened?

She b*rned herself!
I'm putting ice on it!

What the hell's
wrong with you?

Hey, you wanna help?
Clean up the spill.

Everybody,
let's mellow out!

I can handle this, Dan!

Yeah, you can handle it!
What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're
living here!

You handle things
great!

You told us to move in here!
What's the problem now?

My problem is my
daughter married a guy

That can't
take care of her!

[all yelling]

What's going on?

That's the first time
you've acted like a man

The whole time
i've known ya!

What in the hell
is going on?

Everything's fine, Rosie.

Dan! Bedroom!

Mark hit dad, and then dad
hit Mark real hard.

Man, Darlene,

You picked the wrong year
to miss thanksgiving.

Sorry, Roseanne,
I know it was wrong.

What was it like
to hit him?

What?

Was it great?
Did you feel bone?

Roseanne,
this isn't a good thing.

It was stupid.
I could have really hurt him.

Yeah, I know that.
Of course I know that.

You're right.

Man, what a thanksgiving
this turned out to be, huh?

Mom runs away and then
you b*at up our son-in-law.

Did you draw blood?

Oh, no.

You know, now that
I got it out of my system,

I feel pretty good.

Think i'm gonna calm down
for a minute

And go out there
and apologize.

Hey, Dan...

I'm sorry for taking
that first sh*t, you know?

You okay?

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah.
Nice right.

Hey, you, too.

I was, uh...
The other side.

Hey.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[door closes]
wow!

Men are amazing.

Just like,
one sh*t, okay,

You get it all out
of your system,

And now you're
like buddies?

Maybe you should
hit him, too.

No, not after
the fight's over.

It would just
seem mean now.

Uh, Roseanne?

Your mother's
out on the porch,

And she absolutely does not
want you to go out there
and talk to her.

She told me
to tell you that.

Hey, maybe it's time
I become buddies
with mom.

Puucchh!

Mom, it's cold out here.

Come on. Come back
in the house.

I'm too embarrassed.
I acted like such a fool.

Yeah, I know,
but this time it
was so extreme

That we all felt
really sorry for you.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you, Roseanne,

But it was
a different time.

People didn't
talk about these things.

Okay, well, what about
the last two decades?

I'm an adult.
I could have handled it.

I'm not sure I could have
handled you knowing it.

Are you kidding me?

This is, like,
the coolest thing

I've ever heard
about you.

Really?

Then you don't think
less of me?

No way, mom.

I guess I should
have been honest

With you girls
about this years ago.

If I had, maybe
Jackie wouldn't be

Repeating my mistakes.

Oh, mom, jackie's kid
isn't born yet.

She hasn't even begun to
repeat your real mistakes.

Well...This wasn't
nearly as bad

As I thought
it was gonna be.

Mm, well, wait
a minute, mom.

I'm not done talking
about this yet.

All right, I guess
you have a right

To ask me
a few questions.

If you hadn't got
pregnant with me

Would you still
have married dad?

Well, no.

Do you think that's
why he was mad all the time?

You know, you think
that's why he treated

Me and Jackie
like he did?

Oh, Roseanne, you know
your father loved you.

You think that's why?

Well...

I don't know.

Okay, i'm gonna ask you
one more question, okay?

All right.

Was dad the only guy
that you were,

You know,
sleeping with,

Or is it possible

That you've been lying
to me my whole life

About who my real
father is?

Of course he was
the only one!

Damn.

Okay, D.J.,
our dinner's ready too.

What?

No, I don't want to hear
nana mary snoring.

Okay. Bye.

I feel kind of bad
that we're not there.

Why? They're not
even your family.

I know.
I still feel bad.

Don't you miss 'em?

No, i'm fine here.

Not at all?

No, just shut up.

Want some dinner?
I'm carving.

Sure.

You want light
or dark?

You burnt the macaroni?

No. Most of it's okay.

Darlene, the fact
that we're having

Macaroni and cheese
on thanksgiving

Is like cool
and nonconformist, right?

I mean, it's not pathetic
or anything, is it?

Are you kidding?

This is totally cool.

Yeah.

Cool.

Well, i'm back.
Hope no one missed me.

I always like to
take a little walk
before dinner.

If only we lived
on the rim of a volcano.

You okay?

Yeah.

You know,
it's funny,

But being unmarried
and knocked up

Is the first thing
i've had in common
with mom.

Well, yeah,
that and the 'roids.

Dad, me and Mark,
Jackie and Fred,
nana mary...

Uh, don't sit
Jackie next to Fred.

Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah. After having
a talk with mom

About her life and all
the mistakes she made,

I decided i'm not
gonna push you

To get together
with Fred anymore.

'til after
the holidays.

So, Becky,
how's the hand?

Oh, it's okay.

Well, why don't you go
call everybody for dinner.

You go take
all the glory,

And i'll take over
for you in here.

I said i'd do everything
and i'll do it.

Oh, don't be
a martyr, Becky.

You've been
on your feet all day.

You deserve to sit
with your husband
and have a nice dinner.

Thanks, mom.

Dinner's ready!

God, I have to do
everything around here.

More eating
for me.

[Becky laughs]

Well, Becky,
your fist thanksgiving

Is a total success.

Oh, bev, i'm sorry I
upset you so much before.

I shouldn't have given
away your little secret

About how you
got pregnant

And had to marry Al.

Mother, what are
you talking about?

Well, you didn't have
to get so embarrassed
nowadays.

I mean, you threw
a tantrum

And ran down the streets
like a raving lunatic.

Mother, that was thanksgiving
five years ago.

What the hell are
you talking about?

[all confirming]

No, it wasn't.
Was it?

I know it's hard
at your age,

But try to
stay with us.