06x11 - The Driver's Seat

[bunniefuu]

I don't smell
the co-mingled scents

Of sweat and Jean Nate.

Can I assume that
Roseanne's not in today?

Nope, she's at home.
Ah, good.

Can I have a word
with you?

I need someone
with impeccable taste,

And I can tell by that
paw print jumpsuit of yours

That you're my woman.

It has a matching cape.

Mm-hmm, I bet it does.

Here, try this.

I found a way of cooking
the loose meat into an omelet.

It's sort of like
an egg and meat sandwich.

Mmm, delicious!
Mm-hmm.

Thinking of adding it
to the menu?

Well, I would,
except that, you know,

Eggs aren't exactly
the best lunchtime fare.

No, they're better
for breakfast.

Wait a minute.

Are you suggesting
that we open the diner
for breakfast,

Thereby expanding
our menu and drawing in

A whole new
customer base?

I love it!

Well, it was just a--
just a thought.

No, no, Leon.

Roseanne won't
wanna do breakfast.

I once suggested
we expand the hours

And she thought
it was dumb.

She called you
"dumb," Jackie?

Oh, I am so sorry.

Well, she didn't say
that I was dumb;

She said that
my idea was--

Well, it sounded different
the way she said it.

Well, you know,
of course we could stick

With Roseanne's plan
of just serving lunch
and dinner.

I guess we could
afford health insurance

In about two years.

Gosh, I hope you can
hold it in till then.

Well, I like
the breakfast idea.

I say we vote "yes".

Whoa, wait a minute.

Nancy's idea a disaster.

Oh, don't feel bad, kid.

I'm sure
she didn't mean it.

Hey, Jackie, I don't
have ideas often.

I'm proud of this one.

You know, Jackie,
i'm sure it's easier

Having Roseanne make
all your decisions for you,

But eventually, you're gonna
have to cut the chord.

Or else, you and the kid
and Roseanne are gonna look
like mountain-climbers.

Hey, now, Roseanne
does not control me.

Well, then, let's vote
on breakfast.

I vote "yes".
Yes!

I vote...Okay.

I got chills.
[laughing]

We open Monday at A.M.

Well, wait a minute.
Who's gonna tell Roseanne?

Well, it was Nancy's idea.

Good luck, Nance.

[laughing]

Hey.

Sorry those weren't done.

That's okay, Dan.

I know there wasn't time
to do the dishes

And fall asleep in a puddle
of your own drool.

D.J. said he'd do 'em
after his homework.

Now, Dan, I think
the dishes should come

Before the homework.

If he doesn't learn
how to do dishes,

He'll never get a job
after high school.

Honey, you're tired;
why don't you call Leon

And tell him you're not
going to work today?

[sighs]
I can't.

Leon is, like, on to me.

He knows that I control
the restaurant, you know,

So he's trying to stage
this bloodless coup

Down there to oust me,
and he knows that I know.

So he's trying
to get rid of me

Before I can
get rid of him.

Boy, does he sound paranoid.

You know, he thinks
he's so nifty

Because he turned Jackie
and Nancy against me.

You know, well, I broke 'em;
anybody can ride 'em.

I better go.

No, no, no,
you gotta drive D.J.

To his basketball practice.

[muffled]
D.J., come in here!

Wrong, Roseanne.

D.J.'s basketball
practice is Wednesday.

Uh-uh, it's on Tuesday.

I think I know this.

D.J., is basketball
on Tuesday or Wednesday?

Tuesday.

Duy!

I don't play basketball.

I quit at the end
of last season.

Duy, duuuy.

Face it, Dan,
we're workin' so much,

We hardly know our kid
at all anymore.

I think i'm forgettin'
what "D.J." stands for.

Gotta go.

So...Kid, what's new
in your life anyway

That I don't know about?

I got married.

[Dan]
Rosie, where'd you
park your car?

What do you mean?
I checked it
with the valet.

I'm serious, Roseanne.
It's not in the driveway.

Did you leave
your keys in the car?

What you mean, did I leave
the keys in the car?

They're not hangin'
on the hook.

Well, it don't matter
what I do with my keys,

'cause I know
I put the club on.

Where'd you leave
the key to the club?

[sighs]

You didn't do the dishes.

I love the new
breakfast sandwich.

Who asked ya?

So, do you guys know
what you want yet?

We need more time.

There's, like,
one thing on the menu.

How much more time
do you think you need?

What is it again?

It is eggs
and loose-meat
sandwich.

What's in it?

Chow Mein,
hence the name.

We're gonna need
more time.

Well, maybe you'd
feel more comfortable

Yelling your order
into the mouth of a clown.

Nancy?

Hey, my breakfast idea
brought in a whole new
customer base.

Right. They're all over
and they all want a sammich.

Roseanne, we're making
really good money.

Yeah, but it isn't supposed
to be about the money.

Don't you remember
the old days?

It was about us having
our own business

That we run our own way
without no man

Tellin' us what to do.

Roseanne, you ran the place.
You told us what to do.

What happened to that?

I think you're
being hard on Leon.

He's a really good
organizer.

Plus, he tells us when
we've done a good job.

Well, you do
do a good job.
Both of you.

You're both
great workers.

Then why don't
you ever say it?

[snickers]
'cause it's a big,
fat lie!

At least i'm honest.

Good morning, ladies.

Could you please
not be so patronizing.

We're not ladies;
we are women.

And i'm not patronizing;
i'm condescending.

Nancy, when you
have a second,

I wanna show you
the prototype
for the uniform.

Uniform?

Now, Roseanne...

I thought we agreed
we wasn't gonna wear

Them humiliatin' things.

Well, when I was talkin'
to Leon the other day,

I came up with a great idea
that the uniforms

Would make us stand out
from the customers more.

So why would we
wanna do that?

Then they'd know who to go to
to bring 'em more stuff!

Well, we thought
it was a good idea

When we voted
on it yesterday.

I thought you says
you wasn't gonna vote

On nothin'
if I ain't here.

Well, first we voted
on whether or not

To vote without you,
and I voted "no",
but I lost.

So then, we voted
on whether or not

To have the uniforms.

Yeah, and how'd
you vote on that?

That was a secret ballot.
I can't tell you that.

We also voted
that the restaurant's

Official bird
should be the toucan.

Would you like to see
the bird I voted for?

No, really!
The cops are here
and everything!

Yeah. Yeah.

What's goin' on, Dan?

Hey, Rosie.

The cops found
the car in a ditch

A couple blocks away.

What do we got, boys?

Quite a bit of damage.

Passenger door
was smashed in,

The fender was all dented,
busted headlight.

Well, that sounds
like our car all right.

Phoned in a ?

and we called
for a backup
and a possible .

Good man.

Did you have anything of value
that should be reported?

Uh, yeah,
as a matter of fact.

We just bought
a brand new,

Really expensive
stereo system.

What kind was it?

A, uh, pflegular.

Uh, p-f and, uh,
two dots over the u.

Well, there is some good news.

We were patrolling
around the vicinity

And found a witness
who saw the guy.

He describes him
as a juvenile,

Caucasian, dark hair,
dark eyes,

Resembling Eddie Munster.
[chuckles]

I gotta get off
the phone now.

I was just going
down the street.

George dared me.

Then I got stuck in the mud
and couldn't get out.

So you come home
and you just go to bed

And you don't even
tell us about it?

I forgot.

I think we can
handle things
from here, guys.

No, no, don't leave me
alone with them!

You really blew it
this time, D.J.

You coulda had
a horrible accident.

Nothing happened.

Nothin' happened?
You stole a car!

You coulda gotten
yourself k*lled!

How stupid
are you anyway?

What were you
thinkin' about?

You think it's funny
or somethin'?
Answer me!

Let me handle this.
No, you had your turn.

What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

That is supposed to mean
that if i'm not around him

Every minute, he's gonna
end up in prison!

Shut up and
leave me alone!

No, i'm not done
with you yet!

Ow! Ow! Stop!
Roseanne!

Ow! Leave me alone!
Roseanne!

Honey...
[door slams]

Leave me alone.

Look, Roseanne,
what you just did in there,

It's not that big a deal.

Yes, it is.
You're not
helping, Dan.

Look, I know
what you feel like.

You've gotta talk
about this.

Hey, she doesn't need
you makin' somethin'
outta nothin'.

You didn't grow up
in our house.

This is different!
The kid had it comin'!

He coulda k*lled himself!

She was out of control!
It was just like dad!

Why don't you both
just shut up

And leave me alone?

You heard her.

I got some stuff to do.

Ugh.

[sighs]

Telling her to ignore
what she did

Isn't gonna make her
feel any better.

Oh, but calling her
a "child-beater" is.

You just don't
get it, Dan.

I am so sick of hearin'
I "don't get it."

Look, I know
your father was a jerk,

But that's got nothin'
to do with what's goin' on.

That has everything
to do with it!
These patterns repeat!

Well, then,
you better look out

'cause my father
used to love to hit
his sister-in-law.

I can't even
talk to you.

Look, look,
look, look...

She did it because she's
stressed out from work

And it would help
if you didn't always
vote against her!

I'm not voting against her;
i'm voting for my baby.

Leon's makin' us
a lot of money down there.

And if you're so worried
about her stress,

Why don't you
help out more?

I help out a lot
around here!
How?

You know how
i'm gonna help her?

By throwin' you
outta the house!

Too late!
She already did!

[knocking]

Hang on.

Hey, Leon.

Doin' the books?

Yes, Dan.

Trying to make
conversation?

Actually, I came
to talk about Roseanne.

No. No, I don't think so.

Why not?
What's the matter?

Well, you're a rather
large man, Dan.

And if we discuss your wife,
I can either say nice things

Or I can be honest
and get my arms torn off.

Don't worry, Leon.
I can sympathize with ya.

Roseanne can be
a little difficult.

Aw, hell, she idles
at difficult.

You know, I--

Dan, you have no idea
how loudly I can scream.

Look, Leon...

She is really
stressed out

And she just needs to spend
a little more time at home.

But for some reason,
she doesn't think

She can talk to you
about it.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Well, I told her
you'd understand.

So if you just cut her
a little slack,

It'll make life easier
for everybody, especially me.

Well, i'd be happy to.
In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna go you
one better, Dan.

How much to buy her out?

[laughing]
i'm serious.

What?

Come on, Jackie and Nancy
are already on board

With everything
i'm doin' around here

Because I can make
a success out of this place.

Leon, come on.

Roseanne started
this place.

This is her dream.

Well, I have a dream too.

And it's to not let
her dream go bankrupt.

See, I knew it.
I knew it.

You are going
to hurt me.

Worse.

For weeks,
i've been tellin' her

That she's just
paranoid about you,

But i'm through
defendin' ya.

From now on, you fight
your battles on your own...

Against Roseanne.

May god have mercy
on your soul.

D.J., come down here!

What?

Well, I thought
maybe you might wanna
spoil your dinner.

No.

Would you mind watching
if I spoil mine?

Do I have to?

Yeah, yeah, you do.

I think we should,
you know, talk about stuff...

You know, 'cause, uh,
today was really bad.

Mm...

I'm really sorry
that I hit you, D.J.

I mean, it was
totally wrong.

I never should
have done that

And i'm so mad
at myself for doin' it.

I wanna go upstairs.
No.

You can't go upstairs
till we talk this all out.

Um...

I know how you're feelin'

And I know
you're feelin' mad

And, you know,
kind of embarrassed and--

Wrong.

Well, that's the way
that I used to feel

When I got hit.

Who hit you?

Your grandpa hit me.

A lot.

What'd you do wrong?

I think I breathed
or something.

Do you hate him?

Yeah, sometimes.

You know, 'cause, uh,
the worst thing

Was that he never ever
said he was sorry

For any of it, you know?

I don't want you
to hate me, D.J.

I'm really sorry
that I hit you.

And no matter what,
i'm never gonna

Hit you again, ever.

No matter what I do?

I mean it, no matter
what you do, ever.

I'm sorry you got hit.

I'm sorry you got hit, too.

I mean, big sorry.

Like, "right now
would be a great time

To ask me for a new puppy"
kind of sorry.

Sit down there, now.

We, uh, still
have to talk

About this little
prank you pulled.

I thought we were done.

D.J., you stole a car.

You've gotta take
the consequences for that.

Man!

You know what, I think you're
tryin' to tell me somethin'
with all this stuff.

I think you're tryin'
to tell me

That i'm not spendin'
enough time with you lately.

No, I wasn't.

Well, I think you were,
and that's why tomorrow,

I'm gonna go in; i'm gonna
rearrange everything;

I'm gonna make sure
that I have more time
here with you.

But you can't;
you work.
So?

Sometimes you gotta
trade what's important

For what's more
important, you know?

And i'm gonna make sure
that I have a lot of time

To spend with you, d.J.

I'm gonna be here
all the time.

Is that my punishment?

You are a funny,
funny little man, D.J.

A funny little man.

Roseanne...

Jackie doesn't fit into hers,
but where's your uniform?

Oh, well, I tore it all up
to use for bandages, you know?

But then I remembered
there was no w*r.

Pfft, whoops.

Well, if i'm the only
one wearing it,

Then it isn't a uniform.

People are gonna just think
I have really bad taste

In clothes or something.

Afternoon, uh, people.

That is a safe term,
isn't it?

I wouldn't want
to offend you ladies.

And I wouldn't want
to offend you either,

You balding albino idiot.

Let me know
when I cross the line.

I thought you were gonna try
spending more time at home.

Oh, I was, but me and
Dan talked about it,

And we thought
you might like that.

Oh, sl*ve boy!

What's he doing here?

Five to ten,
grand theft auto.

He can't be here.
He's a child.

I know, but he was
tried as an adult.

And his punishment
is that he's gonna help me

Around the diner here
so I have more time
to bother you.

Well, you can't
do this, Roseanne,

Because a child cannot
work in this restaurant.

Too late.

We took a vote
while you were out.

To work, D.J.

I hate you!

[laughing]

You know what's
so great, D.J.?

We're not just spending
a lot of time together,

We're spending
quality time together.

Okay, this Connor
kid is pretty tough.

He comes from
a problem family,

So we don't really
know what to expect.

Police! We're comin' in!
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Freeze! Police!

Hey, why don't you leave
my kid alone, you [bleep].

[shouting]
okay, lady,
where is he?

You're hurtin' my arm,
you [bleep].

Drop the pizza,
[bleep]-bag!

Drop it!
[bleep]

D.J. it's the [bleep] cops!

Get down here!
D.J.!

The cops are here!
Get your [bleep]
outta this house!

Where is he?
He went out the window!

[car tires peeling off]

[bleep]
he took our car!

[police sirens]

And you left the keys
in it, didn't you,

[bleep] for brains?