06x18 - Don't Ask, Don't Tell

[bunniefuu]

I'll see you guys later.
I'm going out with Sharon.

Why don't you
bring her in

So she can
meet the folks?

Yeah, you've been dating
her for, like, three months.

We've never even met her.

Nothing personal,
Roseanne.

I just haven't
introduced sharon

To any of my friends.

You mean any of your
straight friends, right?

Because you've never
been able to accept

Our alternate lifestyle.

Well, it isn't a choice,
you know.

It's not that.

What, are you
ashamed of her?

Is she a dog
or something?

Hey, babe. You ready?

Nancy, how come,
when you date guys,

They look like Arnie,

And when you date girls,
they look like her?

Jackie, Roseanne,
this is Sharon.

She's an erotic dancer
performance artist.

I'm a stripper.

Hi.

I've been wanting
to meet you for a while.

But for some reason,
Nancy was scared

To introduce
her girlfriend to you guys.

Why,
you ain't one of them
lesbians, are ya?

Can we go already?

Look, we're going dancing

In that new club
in Elgin Friday night.

You two should join us.

Oh, I--I don't think
that would be a very
good idea.

Oh, come on.
I think
it'd be fun.

I haven't been
dancing since---

When was
dad's funeral?

I don't think you'd have
such a great time.

Sounds like fun.

It's a gay bar.

Okey-dokey.

Jackie, it doesn't
bother us if it's gay.

Well, it might. Friday
is convert a hetero night.

I know
all the etiquette.

It's knives and forks
on the left

And vibrators
on the right.

Oh, hi, fellas.

I got to go.
I hope you guys come.

[Roseanne]
nice meeting you.

Roseanne,
I really have to go?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna feel
comfortable there.

What if everybody there
thinks i'm gay?

Well, then, you can just think
they're gay right back at 'em.

So Friday night,
i'll get my chance

To see Roseanne out
with my people, huh?

That should prove
quite entertaining.

Why?

Well, hmm, how can I
put this delicately?

Uh, a gay bar is sort of
like a size dress.

You just won't fit in.

[theme]

David, did you
finish my laundry?

Yeah, it's in your bag.

Now that i'm not gonna
be there anymore,

You're gonna have to learn
how to do your own.

How come? I said
you could visit.

[snort]

What?

You're pathetic, man.

She orders you around,
and you just take it.

You got no guts.

I've got guts.
I just hide 'em.

Hey, honey. I'm home.

Hey.
Hi.

I'll be down in a sec.

[scoff]

What?

I wouldn't let my wife

Show off her body
like that.

It gives other guys
ideas.

I don't got to worry
about that.

There's nothing
those guys got

That she can't get
at home.

See, Dave...

I can keep Becky
satisfied.

Hey. I keep Darlene
satisfied.

David, what's the matter
with you?

I told you to use
fabric softener.

[doorbell rings]

Wow. Dean. Dean bates.
It's been a long time.

Yeah.

Do I know you?

No, but when I was
a freshman...

You went out with
Becky, didn't you?

Yeah.

Come on in.
It's good you're here.

Hey, Mark,
this is dean bates.

Dean used to date
Becky, your wife.

Oh, so you're her husband.

Yeah, that's right.

Nice to meet you.

So, dean, you still
playing football?

Yeah. I got a scholarship
to Northwestern.

Really? Great.

Going to college
and playing football.

Can't get that
around here.

Dean? Oh, my god,
how are you?

Great, Becky.

You--
you look terrific.

So do you.

If you ask me,

That guy's a lot
better-looking
than you.

Why don't you go over there

And give him a big kiss?

Hey, dean.

I'm ready.

Ready?

Ready for what?

Oh, i'm gonna give her
a ride to school.

But you two don't
even know each other.

Yeah, we met at some
lame frat party.

He was, like, the only guy
there not guzzling beer

And saying, "god,
I love you guys."

I'll put your stuff
in the car.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, Darlene,
did you hear

Dean's got a football
scholarship?

Darlene hates
football players.

Hmm, things change.

Do not.

You're serious.
He's giving you
a ride to school?

So what, Becky?
What do you care?

Well, I just don't think

She should be using
my old boyfriends
to get rides.

So what, you're not
done riding him yet?

Wait a minute.

Did he just say
something clever?

I cannot believe you're
doing this to me.

So what's
the difference

If your sister goes
out with the guy?

In case
you've forgotten,
you're married.

Oh, just leave me alone.

Becky, get back here.

Becky? Becky.

Did you see that?

Mark was going crazy
with jealousy.

What an idiot.

Yeah.

Becky's not the one

Who'd gonna have
to think of some way

To pay dean back
for the ride.

See you, David.

love come down

Wow, evelyn champagne king,
she is fierce!

I want to show you
my dental bonding

Under the black light.

All right. I haven't
danced with my clothes on

For a while.

no sleep last night

been dreaming of you

Oh, now, just relax, Jackie.

There's nothing
to be nervous about.

No, what's to be
nervous about?

It should be
clear to anyone

That i'm...
Traditional.

Hey, look.

There's another
old-fashioned girl
right there.

[Jackie gasps]

[whispering]
my god.

That pregnant woman's
holding hands
with my mailman--

Woman--lesbian.

She waved at me.
What do I do?

Well, wave back.

Oh, my god,
she's smiling at me.

Well, yeah. That's
'cause everybody knows

That waving
is the international
gay signal.

Jackie. Jackie harris.

Hi!

Wow.
So, uh, now I know

Why there's
never any mail
for your husband.

No. No.
You don't understand.

Oh, now, you don't have
to hide our love, pookie.

Hi. I'm Roseanne.
I'm the father.

So, uh, how long
have you two been together?

Oh, what's it been
now, honey,

About years?

Oh, and she's just
as feisty as ever.

You know, I had
a feeling about you.

You did?

Why? What'd I do?

You are so, so sick.

Well, if it isn't
Charlie Brown.

Is that you, Roseanne?

I thought
it was a drag queen

Doing a really bad
Liz Taylor.

Leon, come sit
at a table with us

And act like
we're together.

I didn't come here
to be with you.

I came here
in search of...

Stimulating
conversation.

Ooh, I smell aramis.

So, gals,
what'll it be?

Well, a beer for me

And a ginger ale
for the little
missus here.

All rightie.
Roseanne!

It's nice to see
some new faces
around here,

Especially pretty
ones like yours.

Oh, well, thank you, marge.

You're not too bad yourself.

Ah, go on.

What are you doing?

I'm doing what I do
in any bar--

Scoring free drinks.

So, uh, wow, awesome
tattoo there, Marge.

Yeah?

You hiding any others?

I wouldn't put it past me.

Oh, you--
ah-ah-ah.

Stop flirting.

Hey, Roseanne, want
to come boogie with us?

Ah, she doesn't want
to dance with you.

I do, too.
Can I, hon?

Hot.

I hate you.

Keep an eye
on her, marge.

She's
a big tease.

Oh...

We're sisters.

Hey, aren't we all?

You are one pretty lady.

Care to dance?

Oh, no, thank you.

Come on. What could it hurt?

Uh, it could hurt you.

You see that big butch
broad over there?

I'm hers!

[disco]

Let's take a break!

[shouting over music]
okay!

Whew!

Ha ha!
That was wild.

Can you believe
that Nancy doesn't think

I'm cool enough
for this place?

That must have been
before she saw you

Teaching people
to do the monkey.

Yeah. How cool is that?

It's
pretty damn cool.

Where'd you learn
to dance like that?

Well...

Actually, I studied.

Really? Where?

In my living room

With the solid gold
dancers.

You know, Roseanne,
we ought to hang out
more often.

I was thinking that, too,

But next time, let's
leave the wives at home.

You read my mind.

Huh?

What are you doing,
cleaning?

Yeah, well, I tried
twitching my nose,

But that didn't work,

So I had to end up
doing it manually.

Something the matter?

You didn't say a word
on the way home last night.

That Sharon kissed me.

Nancy's Sharon?

No, Herb Sharon
over on Elm Street.

After I drop you off,

I run over there
for a quickie.

Exactly what do you mean
by kissed you?

I mean kissed me,
like full on the lips,

You know, like Dan used to
before we were married.

My god, you got
kissed by a woman?

No wonder
you're upset.

Well, no, i'm not
upset about that.

I'm just upset
about Nancy, you know.

I mean, this could
devastate her.

This is unbelievable.

I just don't even know
how i'm gonna tell her.

You got kissed,
and all I got

Was a couple of women
asking if they could
touch my stomach.

Hi, guys. Did you
have fun last night?

Why? What'd you hear?

Well, you left so early,

I had to hitch a ride
with Leon

And some accountant
with pierced nipples.

Hey, uh...

I have to tell you
something,

And--and you're probably
gonna get really upset,
you know,

But I figure, if I was you,
well, i'd want to know.

Uh, last night,
Sharon...kissed me.

I know. She told me.

Oh, she did?

Yeah. She just thought
you were real cute,

And she wanted to
kiss you, so she did.

Isn't she a riot?

Oh, so you're not,
like, upset or anything.

No, I think it's funny.

Why, did it bother you?

Well, no.
No, it didn't
bother me.

I mean, I--
I pretty much knew

It was funny,
you know.

Oh, my god.

When sharon told me
she kissed you,

I told her
there might be a chance

That you might freak out.

What do you mean,
freaked out?

I'm not freaking out.

Why
would I freak out?

Well, you know, maybe--

Maybe you liked the kiss
just a little.

What?

That is the most ridic--

What?

Well, it's not that unusual.

I mean, sexuality
isn't all black and white.

There's a whole gray area.

I know
about the gray area.

And you're afraid that just one
little tiny percent of you

Might have been turned on
by a woman.

That is the most
ridiculous thing

I have ever heard.

I am not afraid of any,
uh, small percentage

Of my gayness inside,
you know what I mean?

I--I am totally okay

About whether I--
i'm, like, % or %

Or lower.

This is exactly why I didn't
want to invite you

In the first place,
Roseanne,

Because you are
a total hypocrite.

I am not a hypocrite.

A hypocrite
doesn't go to a gay bar

And teach gay people
how to do the monkey.

Oh, and we're
supposed to admire you

Because you went
to a gay bar?

I'm supposed to think
you're cool

Because
you have gay friends?

I don't care if you
think i'm cool at all

Because I know
that I am cool, baby.

I'm probably the coolest
chick you ever met.

And for your information,

I have friends that are
way gayer than you.

Yes, son? Was there
something you wanted?

Yeah. Mom said she went
dancing last night

With other women.

Yes.

Isn't that wrong?

No, son.
It's perfectly fine.

And anyone that tries
to tell you different
is wrong.

Does that mean
you dance
with other men?

Yes, I do.

Really?

No. Never. Not once.

Well, I don't want to,
either.

That's your choice.

Hallelujah.

Cleaning again?

Boy, if sharon had
slipped you the tongue,

We might actually get
this place up to code.

No wonder women don't
find you attractive.

Oh, is that so awful
that the kiss
freaked you out?

You're
just not as cool
as you thought.

Oh, i'm not cool?

You're the one
sitting there at the bar

Telling everybody
you're from pbs
doing research.

Fine. If you don't
have a problem
with what happened,

Why are you upset?

Well, okay, Jackie,
if you really have to know,

Uh, well,
at first, you know,

I--I thought that I was
upset for Nancy,

And then I kind of realized
that that was just denial.

I'm really upset...
About Dan.

Dan?

Yeah.

'cause remember
in th grade,

When that
Jimmy Mcquirter
kissed me, you know,

And Dan felt
all threatened
and everything,

And he b*at the crap
out of him?

Oh, so you're worried
that Dan's gonna
b*at up Sharon.

Yeah.

'cause Dan would feel
threatened by Sharon.

Yeah. Yeah.

'cause you and Sharon
might buh-huh-hoo-woo-woo!

Of course not!
I am not gay!

I didn't mean for that
to sound like it was bad
or anything, you know,

Because if I was gay,
that'd be just fine,
but i'm not gay.

So I just don't like
people calling me things
that i'm not,

Like a hypocrite,
or gay, you know,

Because i'm not.

I wouldn't like
anybody calling me,
like, uh...

An astronaut,

Because it's fine
to be an astronaut,

But see, I am not
an astronaut.

So...

I'm not gonna admit
I was wrong or anything,

But I just don't want
to fight with you anymore,

So I was wrong.

Thank you.

I'm still pretty cool,
you know...

For a -year-old
mother of three

That lives in Lanford,
Illinois.

I like that snoopy dog dog.

It's not like you
have to be cool

To be my friend,
Roseanne.

I mean,
i'm not comfortable

With everything
about you, either.

Every time I think
about you and Dan
in bed, ecch.

Yeah. Join the club.

Wow.

That was--wow.

I'd give you
a standing ovation,

But I can't
feel my legs.

What got into you?

I don't know.
You're just so manly.

I am so turned on
by your masculinity.

How'd you get
so macho?

Step class.

Well,
now that I got you

Feeling all relaxed
and confident
and everything,

There's something
I want to tell you,

But i'm afraid
it's gonna upset you.

Oh, honey, I told you,

I don't mind if you fake it.
Just don't tell me.

No.

It's, uh--
okay, all right.

Um...Um...

Well, uh, recently,

I was talking
to this person,
you know,

Uh,
totally innocently,

And, uh, uh,
then they kissed me.

Name?

I knew I shouldn't
have told you.

I knew you would
freak out.

Give me the guy's
name, Roseanne.

Now.

No, because then you'll
just do something stupid.

I'm your husband.
That's my right.

Now, where'd this happen,
at work?

No. When I went out.

Well, from now on,
you're not going out
without me.

Now give me
the guy's name.

Huh. Well--
now!

Sharon.

Herb Sharon kissed you?

No. Nancy's sharon.

A woman kissed you?

Yeah.

What was this,
that gay bar?

Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Well, so--
well, you're not angry.

No, i'm--i'm, uh...

More...Concerned.

I mean, it, uh...

Must have been
very unpleasant for you.

It was. It really was.

It was the total
opposite of pleasant.

It was unpleasant.

So...

How'd it happen?

She just...
Walk up and kiss you?

Well, no.

Uh, no, we--you know,
we were dancing.

Wow.

She's probably wearing
that light leather stuff

Like they like, you know.

Low-cut kind of thing.

What does it matter
what she was wearing?

No, it's just
helping me imagine

Your painful moment
for you.

So, uh...

Suppose she was
probably one of those
blonde hard bodies

That think they can just
walk up and kiss some woman.

Heh heh.

Did you see her
kissing anybody else?

You would really love it
at that bar, Dan.

They got a lot
of men there, too.

You know, and they're
rubbing their hard bodies
up against each other

And kissing each other.

I'm gonna get
something to eat.