06x22 - I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep

[bunniefuu]

[blues harmonica]

Hey.

How do you keep
gettin' in here?

There must be a hole
in the screen or somethin'.

Where you goin'?
George's.

That boring kid?
I thought you hated him.

You must be thinking
of you.

Hey, Jackie. What kind
of mood is my mom in?

Great. We just got
our new stove. Why?

What are you up to?

Well, David and I want
to get matching nose rings,

But he insisted we get
her approval first.

Well, I didn't wanna,
like, fall in love
with having one,

And have Mrs. Conner
force me to take it out.

You don't think she'll
let us, do ya?

Um-

I don't know. I mean,
how exactly do they
do it?

Well, they take this
long needle,

And they put it in
really slowly,

And then they move it
back and forth
really quickly.

But you hardly feel it,
'cause the needle's
so hot.

Man, that new stove
is so cool.

Now we can finally
cook the meat,

Rather than just
agin' it.

Mom, i'm glad you're in
such a good mood.

David and I wanna go
downtown and get
matching nose rings.

It's okay, right?

Yeah. Just be home
in time for dinner.

Not that you could have
stopped us. In fact, i'd
like to see you try.

Hey, I think it's great.
Any time kids can express
themselves non-verbally,

I'm all for it.

Okay. If you'll just sign
here, i'll bring it in.

Hey! This is about twice
the price you guys
advertised.

Well, you didn't
read the fine print.

We only sell the first
at that price.

You must be new at this.

No, i'm not new at this.
I've been screwed over
before.

Well, I can take it back.
But your old one's
not up to code,

And...I'm sort of
obligated to report that.

[both moaning]
all right. Bring in
your damn stove.

Remember to lift it
with your back.

Ugh, what a jerk. Well,
we'll see you back
at the house.

Where are you goin'?

To get the nose rings.

No way!

But you just said
we could!

Yeah, but you sat here
long enough for me
to change my mind.

Maybe there's a lesson
in this for you,
young lady.

Oh, man. Now we can't
get the nose rings?

I never get what
I really, really want.

Well, David, you're not my kid.
So you can go ahead and get
your nose pierced.

No. Don't worry. If she's
not gonna let you get one,

I won't get one, either.

Oh, that's okay, David.
I wanna live vicariously
through you.

Come on. There must be
dozens of things we can
pierce on you.

[theme]

[laughing]

Okay, Miss Harris. Now.
You know what to do.

I'm gonna say "knock, knock",
like i'm at your door,

And you're gonna say,
"who's there?"

Like you're wondering
who I am, okay?

And then i'm gonna-
who's there, george?

I-I didn't say
"knock, knock" yet.

Okay. I'll start again.
Okay. Okay.

Knock, knock.

[Jackie] Roseanne, george
has got this really great
joke to tell you.

I-I can't hear it again.
Last time, I about wet myself.

Well, gee, george. I don't
have a lot of time to
hear your joke.

Only got about
a minute or so.

Oh, that's okay-
oops. Minute's up. Sorry.

Can I- can I just ask
you one thing, Mrs. Conner?
Yeah.

How come D.J. never comes
and plays with me anymore?

What are you talkin' about?

He says he's been over
at your house

Every single night
this week.

Which has got to be
a record for anybody.

That's funny, 'cause
I haven't seen him

In a really long time.

Well, that little boy is in
a lot of trouble for lying
to me.

Oh. Now i'll never be
able to come over?

Don't you worry
about it, George.

No matter how bad he is,
yours is the one place

He'll still be able
to go.

Thanks, Mrs. Conner.

Darlene, i'll let ya off work
if you do me a favor.

Oh, forget it. I am
not gonna spy on my
brother and rat him out.

What?
I'm just kidding.
I'd love to.

Excuse me.

I've got your stove
in the truck?

What are you
talkin' about?

I'm sorry it's
a day late, but-

It's already paid for.

That's right.
Second stove.
That can't be.

Yes it can be, Jackie.
And I don't really think

You should question
a company the size
of appliance station.

You know, they know
what they're doing.

I'm sure they send out
a lot of stoves.

In fact, they probably
send out so many stoves

That they can't even
keep track of how many
stoves they send out.

Is there some
problem here?

Hm? There's- no problem.
You have a problem, Roseanne?

No. I have no problem
at all.

We are both
problem-free.

Can you believe this,
Roseanne? Free stove.

So, well, go- go get
the stove, there, Mickey.

What are you waiti''
on, your pension?

[clears throat]

So I did it.

Whaddaya think, really?

Because if you want me
to get rid of it, I will,
just purely out of respect.

I like it.

Are- are you sure?

Because, you know, since
i'm living here,

I know my appearance
reflects on this family.

No. Makes us look good.
Hell, that there is
pure gold.

In fact, from now on,
i'd appreciate it

If you'd be a-sittin'
on the front porch.

Hey, dad. You're never
gonna guess what I found out
about D.J.

Wow. I still can't
believe you got that.

You're like the first
straight guy i've known

With the guts to wear
one of those.

Hey, mom.

Uh, I followed D.J.
around today,
and you were right.

He is hanging with
a new crowd.

It's even worse
than you thought.

What kind of crowd?
He's not doin' dr*gs,
is he?

No, no.

[laughs] he's goin'
to church.

Church.

Church?

Yeah. I talked to the, uh...

Uh, head holy guy?

And, uh, he said
that D.J.'s been there,
like, every day.

Oh, god, no.

Oh, come on, Dan.
Now, church is good.

We support church.
Could be a good influence
on him.

Yeah. I mean, maybe
he'll take after your
cousin, Jessico.

Isn't he the one
who, uh,

Sent us the bible
with every single word
highlighted?

No, that's his
cousin, Jeb.

His cousin Jessico is
the Elvis-impersonatin'
preacher

That clog-dances when he's
filled with the holy spirit.

[sighs] oh, god, Roseanne.
You know i'm not good
with religion.

Well, you better
get good with it, Dan.

'cause we don't want D.J.
thinkin' we don't approve.

Well, it's- it's not that.
It's just-

It just gives me
the willies.
You know my family.

They follow Pat Robertson
around like he's
the Grateful Dead.

[door closes]

What?

Where have you been
going, every day
after school?

And remember, god will
punish you if you lie.

Roseanne...

Well, hey. We got it.
We might as well use it.

I've been goin'
to church.

Well, so why didn't you
tell us before?

'cause I thought
you'd make fun of me.

D.J., give us
a little credit.

Why would we make fun of that,
when we have the bounty
that is your face?

Okay. Go out of here.
We wanna talk about this.

Dan? You wanna sit here
and talk, too.

Well, I wanted to tell you.

I just had some questions
about god and stuff.

Well, so why didn't you
come to us, if you had
questions?

You know? There's no two
better people to answer
your questions

Than me and your dad.

Okay. What religion
are we?

I have no idea.
Dan?

Well, my family's
Pentecostal on my
mom's side,

Baptist on my dad's,

Your mom's mom was Lutheran,
and her dad was Jewish.

So what do we believe?

Well...

We believe in, uh,
bein' good.

So basically,
we're good people.

Yeah, but we're
not practicing.

[phone rings]

[sighs]
will you mind if I
keep going?

No, D.J. your dad and i
are real proud of you.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Uh, yeah! It's
a brand-new, uh,
industrial stove.

And we're sellin' it
at a discount.

Well, see, that's
'cause, uh-

Well, uh-
see, 'cause, well-
[chuckles]

I won it on a game show.

Well, great! Great.
Then see you tomorrow!

You were never
on any game show.

I was too on a game show.

And if you didn't spend
all your time down
at that damn church,

You would know that.

Dinner!

[Dan] ahh! Dinner
with the family.

Always a pleasure.

Now if you'll excuse me,
Longest Yard is on,

And I haven't seen it
since November.

Ahh. Dinner
with the family.

How come we never
say grace?

Because, D.J., grace is
for those who are thankful.

Darlene, D.J. has
a new interest,

And we're not going
to give him a hard time.

And I think saying grace
is a wonderful idea.

Dan? Say grace.

It's not my turn.
I said it last.

When?

Thanksgiving.

.

Christmas.
.

Start prayin'.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This involves touching?

Oh, lord.

We thank- thee-

For providing
this food-

Which- we have
gotten from thee-

Thine chicken is
particularly good.

Amen.

You know, I really
like that.

You know, we've gotten
awfully lazy around here,

About our souls and such.

I think, from now on,
we need to be as serious

About our- our spiritual
fitness

As we are about
our physical fitness.

[Darlene]
uh, David. Would you pass
the goat's blood, please?

Ignore her, D.J.
she was just sent
here to test us.

If you have any more
suggestions, we'd
love to hear 'em.

No. That's okay.

No, come on! I think
it would be fun.

Like, say, some Sunday,
we could get up early,

And i'll get all dressed up,
and sit there on the couch

And watch one of them
church shows.

Well, there is one thing
that's been bothering me.

It's wrong to use
swear words, right?

So how come you
swear so much?

Well, because, um-

Well, sometimes it's real
hard not to. You know.

But...

If I swore as much
as I wanted to,

I'd never say
anything else. So-

So you see, i'm-

I'm using a restraint.
And god loves that.

You wanna know why
I swear, D.J.?

Yeah. Why?
Shut the hell up!

The truth is, D.J.,

God only cares about
what's in our hearts.

And he knows
we're good people.

If we're good people,
how come when we go
to the movies,

You make me lie
and pretend i'm ?

Would you like
to take that, Dan?

Well, D.J., there's
a very good reason
for that. [sighs]

We won't do it anymore.

This is so stupid.
We make you lie

'cause it's cheaper
if you can pass for .

Same reason I make
David lie.

And by paying less
at the movies, see,

We have more money
to give to charity,
later,

And that's just what
we're gonna do,
one of these days.

Well- I don't think
Darlene and David

Should be having sex
without being married.

Roseanne?

David, would you like
to take that?

Um...

Well, you see, D.J.,

Love is, uh, a holy thing.

Stop speaking, David.

Look, D.J. if you wanna
ask anybody about anything,

Why don't you ask her
about the stove she's stealing?

I am not stealing
that stove.

Oh, what is it? A gift
from the stove fairy?

No! The company gave it to me,
and it is okay to keep it,

Because they are a really large
company that likes to screw-

Excuse me- that takes
advantage of little
people like us.

Look, I could care less
if you're takin' the thing,

But at least have
the guts to admit

That you are
stealing a stove.

No! Because taking
something-

You know, is not
necessarily stealing,

If you have a real
good reason

For needing it.
Right, David?

Uh, yeah. Like if your baby
was starving, and-

You stole a loaf
of bread for it,

Or if a stove company
accidentally

Sent you
a second stove.

Yeah. Exactly.

I wish you'd just
take it back.

Your mother is
keeping the stove.

This religious
discussion is over.

I'm sorry, D.J.

I know it's hard
to live in a house

Where people's behavior
conflicts with your
religious beliefs.

Thanks, David.

So if you think our-
our bodies are like
temples,

And shouldn't be
violated by things
like nose rings,

Then- you know-
just tell me.

No, I don't think that.

But I want you
to stop having sex.

Dad, Darlene says we have
some religious people
in our family.

Oh, we did, D.J. but-

God has taken them
all away.

She told me about
this preacher. Jessico.

She said he's like
our second cousin.

Actually, D.J., he's
the son of two second
cousins.

I'd like to write to him.

Oh, no. You're not allowed
to write to him.

Why not?
Because then he would
know where we live.

Dad? Do you
believe in god?

Yes, I do.

Are you sure?

Well, i'm not completely
sure. But i'm pretty sure.

I'm afraid if you're not
completely sure,

You won't go to heaven.

That's okay. I prefer
to stay with your mother.

But, dad, you
really should believe-

Listen, D.J.?
D.J., D.J.

If you really wanna
save someone. You know
who needs it?

Your sister.

She doesn't believe in god.

Hell, she worships
the devil.

I believe in god.
Do not!

Dad? Me and Darlene
really wanna help you.

Yeah, I gotta, uh, sand down
on a door out in the garage.

Jesus was a carpenter!

So, Roseanne, you got
my cut for the stove?

Yeah. I do. I'm just
glad that thing's gone,

Now that i'm living
with Father Flanagan.

Wait a second. This is
way more than my share.

Yeah, I know. But I started
thinkin' about you and the baby,

And all the stuff
you're goin' through,

And I guess I felt
a little generous, you know,

So I cut Leon out.

[delivery man]
excuse me.

Uh, can I speak with
the owner, please?

It's about a delivery
mistake, made about
a- a stove.

Uh-oh.

So, what, are one of you
the owner, or what?

Uh- well, yeah.
But, uh- uh-

This guy named Leon, he's
the one that's responsible
for all the deliveries.

Right. Well, can you
tell Leon that-

We know the stove was
supposed to be here
yesterday,

And we're real sorry
about the delay.

Delay?

Yeah. But I got it on
the truck right now, so-

They're sending us
another one.

Could you wait
outside for a second?

Yeah, sure.

We cannot keep
doing this, Jackie.

Don't you see what's
goin' on? God's
punishing us.

They're gonna keep
coming and coming,
just like locusts.

No! Are you kidding?
This is great!

We're makin' way more money
than sellin' these stupid
sandwiches!

We should just close down
the restaurant, and sell
their stuff!

No! No! No!
Can't do that.

Restaurant's
too good a front.

[sighs] well, I can't make
a decision like this.

Listen. Listen, listen.

We will- we'll give it
seconds, uh...

You know, in case god
gives us a signal
that it's wrong.

We got another one!
[both laughing]

That stove turkey's
outside again.

Are they sending you
another one?

Yes, D.J. that's
the power of prayer.

But you said you only took
the other one to get even.

Wouldn't this just be
stealing to make money?

No!
But, mom...

No, D.J.! You need
to honor your mother.

And I read somewhere that
that commandment

Is way more important
than the stealing one.

You're not gonna
believe this.

What?
They are delivering us
a second stove.

A second stove?

That hardly
ever happens.

I was just talkin' to
the stupid delivery guy.

He has no idea
what's going on.

Oh, man. That's amazing.
A guy has no idea what
his co-workers are up to?

[laughing]

Doesn't Leon know that
you got another stove
before this one?

Of course not.

But you said it was
only okay with god

To cheat a big company
who cheated you.

But you aren't giving Leon
any of his money.

Listen to me, D.J.

In the bible, it states:

Render unto Caesar
what is Caesar's,

And unto god
what is god's, okay?

It doesn't say one
damn thing in there

About rendering
nothin' unto Leon.

But, mom...
No, D.J.!

Would you get off my back?
Even god took a day off!

He's just goin'
through a faze!
He'll get over it!

Oh, man. That delivery
guy is cute!

Wait'll he finds out
he's gay.

Um...Look, Leon. There's
somethin' we gotta tell ya.
Uh-huh.

Um, this is the second
free stove that they've
delivered by mistake,

And we sold the other one.

So Jackie, give him
his cut of the money.

There.
Wow!

Hey. Roseanne. You-
you could have kept this.

And you didn't.

But here's the thing.
That third stove?

That's different.
That can't stay.

You gotta tell the guy
to take it back,
or else I will.

All right.
[sighs]

You're a more honest woman
than I ever knew.

Well, as long as you
feel good about yourself.

Oh, you'll understand
when your kid's older.

At least now I can
look D.J. in the face.

Fine. But if they send
a fourth stove,
we're keeping it.

Well, of course.
We're not fanatics.

[folk]