06x23 - Body by Jake

[bunniefuu]

[blues harmonica]

Oh, hi. I'm Bev
Harris' daughter.
Is she okay?

Yes. It's just a hairline
fracture in the pelvis.

We're releasing her
tonight.

Just make sure
she gets plenty of rest

While she's
at your house.

At our house?

Yes, Mrs. Harris told us
she'd be staying with you

During her convalescence.

That's great!

The love of one's family
is often the most
powerful remedy.

[chuckles]

She's a goner.

Roseanne, that woman
is not staying
at our house.

Oh, please, Dan.
Please, can't I have

The most horrible woman
in the world living
in my house?

Please? Please?
Please?

Listen to me, Roseanne.

Her retirement home
is set up to handle
injured old people.

When you go in there,
you are not allowed

To let her give you
any guilt.

All right, Dan, I can
deflect mom's guilt rays,

As long as I have
an outlet.
Ow!

Ooh, I gotta
clip these.

Hi, mom.
How are you?

Oh, hello, Roseanne.

We came by the apartment
to help you move that couch

And they told us
you were in here.

Oh, that's right.
Well, don't worry.

Even if you had
arrived on time,

I probably still
would've fallen.

Of course, who knows
what damage was caused

By delaying
medical attention.

Well, mom, you know,
I called your house
about a hundred times

To tell you I was gonna
be late, but nobody
ever answered.

Forgive me. It's hard
to reach the phone

When you're shiverin' in agony
on the shower floor.

Thank god
those cleaning people

Keep their appointments.

The cleaning people
found you?

Well, bev, maybe
we should let you rest.

Yeah, so do I.
Let's go.

And Dan feels even worse,
as you can tell.

Oh, don't blame
yourself, Roseanne.

Besides, you're not the one
who never got around

To putting those appliqués
on my slippery shower floor.

Damn!

Oh, my god.
Dan forgot to do that?

Uh...Man, oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man.

Well, he was gonna
do it last weekend,
but he was very busy.

I think there was some kind
of sports program on.

Bev, would you like
to stay at our h--

At our house?

Oh, Dan,
that's so nice of you.

I graciously accept.

Well, that's
just great, honey.

And if you need me
for anything,

I'll be stayin' at mom's.

Ow!

[blues rock]

[laughing]

[tv, commentator]
left side for barros.

And back for Sean Green--

Please stop watching me.

I'm sorry.
Am I bothering you?

Yes, you are.

Oh, I didn't mean to.

But it's just whenever
I see men watching
one of these games,

I wonder what could
possibly be going on
inside his head.

Aw, you don't wanna know.

[buzzer]

What's that noise?

That's a tie.
That means they're
goin' into overtime.

Does that mean
they get paid more?

No, it means--

Yes, that's exactly
what it means.

What are you guys
watching?

The bulls and the sixers.

Those are
basketball teams.

I know.

Well, I really
should take my nap.

Oh, you're not leavin'?

But i'll need
two strong men

To lift my tired
old legs into bed.

Uh, I gotta go.
There's--

Me too!

You're slow, but i'll bet
you're strong.

Coming, boys?

Yes.

Come on.

I hope she doesn't want us
to apply that ointment again.

Hey, Fred.

Hey. Look, I gotta talk
to you guys about somethin',

But you gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anyone.

Cross my heart
and hope to die.

Course, with Bev
staying at my place,

Either way, I win.

I'm thinkin' about
proposing to Jackie.

That's great.

You think so?

Absolutely.

But remember,
if she says "yes",
you gotta marry her.

Well, you guys like
being married, don't you?

Well...

I love being married
because i'm married

To the greatest girl
in the whole world.

Oh, give me a minute.

But you're happy, right?

I mean, i've been
watching you a lot lately

And I think I want
what you have.

Great! I'll have
my stuff packed
and be out by supper.

Listen, man,
if you need someone

To tell you what to do--

Then you're ready
to get married.

Jackie makes me laugh.

We have a really
good time together.

And...

I really love her.

Chicks can't get
enough of that.

Alright, I think
i'm gonna do it.

Think i'm gonna
actually propose to her.

That's great, man.

How the hell do you
actually do that?

Hey, Dan, how did you
handle the proposal?

I said "yes."

How 'bout you, Mark?
How did you propose to Becky?

Oh, we didn't
really get engaged;
we kind of eloped.

Yeah, but you had
to ask her, right?

I mean, what were you
and Becky doing

When you actually
popped the question?

Oh, my god.

Well, you--
you see--

Make somethin' up, Mark.

We were, uh, dancing.

At a boy.

[door closes]

[Bev]
thank you, Dan.

My toes feel much better.

[repressing rage]

It's your mother's head.

[door bell]

[man]
hello?

Hello, Bev?
Are you there?

Maybe it's death.

Hey, Jake.

Oh, Roseanne and Jackie.

Am I right?

You're right.

And the fact that
you've seen us both
every week

For the last year,
don't let that

Take nothin' away
from your victory.

So, come on in.
Have a seat.

Yeah, thank you.

Listen,
I came about Bev.

You wanna talk to her?

I'd like to,
but she doesn't
wanna talk to me.

Every time I call her,
she hangs up.

What's your secret?

I know she's embarrassed
about what happened,

But I wish she wouldn't
be mad at me.

What's there to feel
embarrassed about?

It happens all the time.

Well, it's never
happened to me before.

And Bev looked like
it was the first time
for her too.

You were there.

Yes. She--

She didn't tell you
it was me?

Uh, yeah, well, you know,
she said it was somebody,

But, oh, she didn't say
a definite name,

But I knew
that it was you,

And I says, oh, I know
it's gotta be Jake.

And remember that, Jackie?

You go, "oh, that's
definitely Jake."

Yeah, well,
you know, Bev is--

She's so sweet,
but she's so old-fashioned

When it comes
to intimate things.

Whoa, now.

Well, you know, Jake,
when mom confided in me,

She kinda made, uh--

Well, she kinda made you
look bad, frankly,

And so why don't
you just tell us
your side of the story.

You could leave
stuff out if you want.

Look, it happened
because, uh--

Well, it's been a while
for both of us

And I can't balance
the way I used to.

Oh, my god,
they were trying
to balance.

Believe me, girls,
I did everything I could.

When we hit the floor,
I just wish it was me

Who was on the bottom.

And then I dressed her.

She was naked?

Holy Hannah.

Well, I think she wouldn't
be that mad at me

If those jokers
down at the retirement home

Hadn't have come up
with that awful nickname.

Yeah, those jerks.

What was it again?

Craftmatic adjustable Bev.

That's very bad.

Roseanne, please...

Talk to Bev about this
for me, will ya?

God, don't you think
it oughta be you
doin' it, Jake?

I mean, you know,
one on one,

Face to face,
in a letter?

Please? Please?

Yeah, alright.
I'll talk to her.

Oh, good.
Thanks. Thanks.

Boy, i'll tell ya,
Bev is lucky.

Bev is lucky.

You girls are the best.

Well...

No! Back! I don't need
no broken pelvis there.

You're funny,
just like your mother.

So...

When are you gonna
talk to mom?

When I can do it
with the ouija board.

No, no.

Gotta do it now, Roseanne,
'cause she's humiliated.

Unless she works through it,
she's never gonna go

Back to the retirement home.

Jackie...

Jackie, I cannot have...

A talk about sex with mom.

If she even says
the word "intercourse",

I'll burst into flame.

Well, then,
do it for Dan.

He thinks the whole thing
is his fault.

And you promised Jake.

Little Jake.
Poor old Jake.

God, you're annoying.

[Bev]
yes?

Mom, I just want you
to know that if you need

To speak to a doctor,
I can arrange it.

[Bev]
uh, well...
Thank you, dear.

I just had the same
sex talk with her

That she had with me.

Hey. What are we having?
Well--

[Bev]
use a little lime
when you poach the fish!

Ugh! God,
not fish again.

Oh, it'll be okay.

Roseanne, your mother
is never slipping

And falling down again.

Do you know why?
Mm?

Because when
she's all well,

I'm sewing appliqués
on the bottom of her feet.

[Bev]
hi, Jackie.

Hi, mom.

Roseanne, I think
on the way over

He made you
a little present.

Oh, well, every day
is christmas.

Hello, Bev.

[Bev]
hello, Fred.

I think it's wonderful
you're taking

Your child's mother
out to dinner.

Well, yeah.

[Bev]
when I had children,
I had to scrimp and save.

You're very fortunate.

Well, yeah.

[Bev]
and when your child asks
why he's not goin' to college,

Just tell him that
his mother had a steak.

I'll be in here with Dan.

Still wanna marry
into this family?

Tonight's the night.

[gasps]
my god, it's a ring.

It's the coolest box,
isn't it?

Okay, let's go.

Nice seein' ya, mom!

Huh, what was that?

What?

That, what Fred did.

I don't know.

Why? Was it some
sort of secret

Macho signal thing,
you know?

Like this is supposed
to be Jackie's breast

And he's tryin' to tell you
that he's gonna get

Some action tonight,
that pig!

Trust me, Roseanne,
that gesture was not dirty.

So what was it?

I don't know.

Okay, fine.

[sighs]
i'll tell you what.

If you don't tell me
what that gesture meant,

It's your turn
to give mom her sitz bath.

Jeez...

If I tell you, you gotta swear
to keep your mouth shut.

God, I can't believe
that you don't even
trust your own wife.

Okay, I promise.

Fred was pointing
to the ring he bought

'cause he's gonna
propose tonight.

[whispering]
oh, my god.
He's gonna propose to her?

Mm-hmm.

Did you see the ring?
Yeah.

Uh, so what
did it look like?

I have no idea.

What kind of setting
did he have it in?

I have no idea.
Was it a diamond?

I have no idea.

God, this is so amazing!

Yeah, well, look, I swore
I wouldn't tell anybody,

So you gotta keep
your mouth shut.

I will.
I mean it!

I will.
I mean it.

I will.

Hi.
Hi.

[cooing]
hello, little sweetheart.

Hello. Hello.

God, that was hard.

They left that restaurant
an hour-and-a-half-ago.

How come they're late?

Well, maybe her and Fred
are out celebratin'.

They just had a baby;
they are not medically
allowed to celebrate yet.

Roseanne, Dan, um...

We came back
'cause i've got
some really big news.

[laughing]
oh, yeah?

Yeah.
Roseanne, Dan...

Um, Fred and I...

Are moving in together.

[laughing]

You're what?

Yeah, we're gonna
live together.

Isn't that great?

[giggling]

Yeah.

Aren't you happy for us?

Oh, yeah.
Really, really happy.

I'm really happy
and really surprised.

Really, really surprised.

Me, too!

My heavens,
what's all the ruckus?

Mom, um, i've got
some news that I think

Is gonna make you
really, really happy,

But Fred convinced me
to tell you anyway.

I know,
you're gettin' married.

Congratulations!
No. Mom--

We're moving in together.

God! Why is it every time
I have big news,

You ruin it by guessing
that it's even bigger news?

No, I don't.
It's just--

Well, that's what Dan said!

You told your
mother-in-law?

Of course not.

I told my wife!

God, mom, can't you
ever keep a secret?

Wait a minute!

You were gonna propose?

Well, it had
crossed my mind.

And what made it uncross?

What made you go from
asking me to share
my life with you

To asking me
to split the rent?

Well, I don't know
about you guys,
but I blame mom!

Well, you shouldn't
blame me!

If Fred doesn't
have the courage

To make Jackie
an honest woman,

Then perhaps it's best
Jackie found that out!

Hey, Bev?

Do yourself a big favor.
Don't get into this.

Fred, I have every right
to be involved in this.

Unlike you, I am actually
a member of this family.

Well, if I ever do become
a member of this family,

I can tell you
one thing right now.

The next time you break
your pelvis having sex,

You're not gonna stay
at our house!

If I understand
this correctly,

Unless you had sex
in the shower,

None of this is my fault!

[Bev wailing]

Guess I wasn't
supposed to say that.

Well, I, uh...

Plan to treat Bev
with the utmost
sensitivity.

But first,
a raucous laugh.

[laughing raucously]

Hi, mom.

Well, I heard
what happened,

So, uh, do you wanna
talk about it?

What's left
to talk about?

Everybody already knows
all of the details

Of the most humiliating
experience of my life--

Fred, Dan, you, Jackie.

Oh, wait.
There's little D.J.

What a shame
he had to miss this.

You'll catch him up.
Won't you, dear?

So everybody knows
you had sex.
Big deal.

It's not like you got
in an accident

Wearing dirty
old underpants.

Well, it will never
happen again.

I can tell you
that much.

Oh, mom, now you never
were a quitter.

My one attempt with jake
and I almost k*ll myself.

And of course,
with your father

It was always
a disaster.

Oh, god.

But you probably don't
wanna talk about this.

Oh, well, no, it's not--
it's not that.

I just think you're
probably more comfortable,

You know, talkin'
to your friends.

My friends?

Yes, you're right.
I should talk to my friends.

Well, I mean, unless
you wanna talk to me,

Then, you know,
i'm here for ya.

So, I guess the thing
is you've never really had...

Uh, any good...

Sexual experiences.

Well, your father
was good in the sense

That he never took longer
than the commercials.

That's terrible.

Love-making is for men.
They enjoy it very much.

But i'd just as soon
be knitting.

Well, it can be
enjoyable for you, mom.

It can be really
enjoyable, you know?

All's you really need is just
to have a partner who is,

You know,
giving and caring,

And I really think
that jake is like that.

So, you like it?

[scoffs]

Yeah, mom, I like it.

Well, I don't think
i'll ever enjoy it.

Oh, yeah. All you gotta do
is you just tell the man

What you like
and what you don't like.

Didn't jake do anything
that, you know...

That you liked?

Yes.

Do you wanna tell me
what it was?

Well, he...

Rubbed my shoulders.

Well, that's really nice.
That's good.

Well, you should tell him,
you know, that you enjoyed that.

And then later,
you can tell him,

You know,
more intimate things
that you like.

Well, I never had a chance
to learn what I like.

That's really,
really sad.

Well, you know,
maybe it would help

If you tell me
what you like.

Uh...I like it when Dan
rubs my shoulders too.

Just like you.
[laughing]

Isn't that funny?

What are the odds?

So this is what it's like
to be a modern woman.

Oh, I would've been
so uncomfortable

Having this conversation
with my mother.

Yeah, it's amazing
how things have changed.

[Jake]
Bev, that was marvelous.

[Bev]
you're really giving
and caring,

And you really worked out
that balance problem.

You seem so much freer

And so much more
sure of yourself.

Well, I talked to my daughter
and she told me

Not to be afraid
to ask for what I want.

So, uh, you know, Jake,
I wouldn't mind trying again.

Hey, go easy on me.

You know i'm not
anymore.

Alright.
I'll be right back.

I left the light on
in the living room.