03x02 - Club SpongeBob/My Pretty Seahorse

[bunniefuu]

( humming )

There's my hat.

And there's that and here we go.

( bike squeaking )

( laughter )

Wey, wook, it's Windward.

What?

( both laugh )

Windward's wolling to work.

( both laugh )

( grumbling )

Where does he work?
Wat the Wusty Wab?

( both laugh )

What's that supposed to be,
some kind of stupid secret code?

We can't tell you

'cause you're not
a member of the club.

Oh, yeah?

What does it take
to be a member...

besides being a moron?

( laughs )

Moron... ( laughs )

as a requirement.

Sorry, Squidward,
but you couldn't get in

even if you tried.

Well, I'll have you know
that I am a member

of over different
exclusive clubs

all across the sea bottom.

What did he say?

I don't know.

Something about his nose.

Squidward, you
and your nose will
definitely not fit in.

Oh, what do you two zeros know
about fitting in?

Why, you should be
begging me to join.

( stammering protests )

No, no, stop. See? See?
Stop, Squidward.

You can't join.
Can't join.
You can't join.

You can't get in.

( grunting )

Well, this is stupid.

There's no room up here.

That's what we've been
trying to tell you.

We've been stuck up
here for three days.

We told you
you wouldn't fit in.

( groans )

Well, since you're here,
Squidward,

we'll give you the new member
initiation.

Are you ready, Patrick?

Ready.

♪ Welcome to our club,
welcome to our club ♪

♪ Welcome Squidward,
welcome, Squidward ♪

♪ Welcome Squidward,
welcome, Squidward ♪

♪ Welcome, Squidward... ♪

Shut your half-wit pie holes!

I do not now, nor will I ever,

want to be a member
of your stupid club.

( screaming )

Ooh!
Make a wish, honey.

( crashing )

Woo-woo-woo!
Woo-hoo!

Again! Again!
Oh, yeah!

( hooting )

Oh, no.
That didn't just happen.

Please, tell me
that didn't happen.

What happened?

Where are we?! We're lost!
There's no way out.

Stuck in the middle of nowhere
with SpongeBob and Patrick!

Oh, why must every minutes
of my life

be filled with misery?

Why?!

Oh, cheer up, Squid.

It could be worse.

Yeah, you could
be bald and have
a big nose.

Well, this is the end.

No, it's not, Squidward.

It's not?

Come on, guys.

We're going to be fine,
as long as we stick together.

Remember, we're a club.

( hooting )

And besides, we have this.

What's that?

Oh, the magic conch shell.

Ask it something!
Ask it something!

Magic conch shell,
will I ever get married?

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Maybe someday.

( both laugh )

You've got to be kidding!

That is just a stupid toy.

How can that possibly help us?

Squidward, we must never
question the wisdom

of the magic conch.

The club always takes
its advice

before we do anything.

The shell knows all.

Oh, magic conch shell,

what do we need to do
to get out of the kelp forest?

WOMAN:
Nothing.

The shell has spoken!

Nothing?

We can't just sit here
and do nothing.

( groans )

I can't believe
you two are going

to take advice from a toy.

( groans )

All right, all right, all right.

I don't need your help.

I am going to find my way
back to sanity.

But don't you two sad clowns
come crying to me

when your circus tent
comes crashing down.

Sad clowns.

( chuckles )

Sad... clowns.

( chuckles )

( panting )

What was that?

I was already here!

Which way do I go?!

Oh, I'm lost!

Oh, I'm hopelessly lost!

I'll never get out of here!

Huh?

( laughing hysterically )

I'm free!

Take that,
SpongeBob and Patrick!

( laughing )

Huh?

Oh...

There's no way out of here.

How's it going over there
at Club Shell for Brains?

Mm-mm-mm. I am hungry.

I wonder what's on the menu

for Club Squidward tonight.

( squeals )
Ah...

( sizzles )

Smell good, SpongeBob?

You haven't eaten in days.

What about you, Patrick?

A big boy's got to eat.

Well, you can't have any.

And do you know why, SpongeBob?

Because your club president
is a shell.

If you had listened to me,

you'd have food, shelter
and a roaring fire.

But instead, you listened
to a talking clam

that tells you nothing.

As if the answers
to all your problems

will fall right out of the sky.

( laughing )

Fall right out of the sky.

Dude, we're falling
right out of the sky!

We got to drop the load!

( beeps )

BOTH:
Praise the magic conch!

( hooting )

Mmm, mmm.

( both laugh )

Uh, say, uh, SpongeBob,
that sure is

a lot of food you got there.

It's a gift
from the magic conch.

Everything sure looks delicious.

Oh, smoked sausages,
my favorite.

( sniffing )

Uh, hey, SpongeBob,

you know I was just
kidding around earlier,
and... ( stammers )

I mean, I'm still part
of the club, right?

And-And after all, the club
got to stick together.

And I mean, you know...

Squidward.

Yes?

Once a member, always a member.

BOTH:
To the club!

( hooting )

Uh, yeah.

( hoots weakly )

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me.

What shall I eat first?

The spaghetti, the turkey,
the soup, the canned meat?

Why don't you ask
the magic conch, Squidward?

Oh, yeah, like that'll happen.

Right after I consult
the magic toenail.

Squidward, are you questioning

the authority
of the magic conch?

The conch is the one
who gave us this banquet.

This copyrighted conch
is the cornerstone

of our organization.

Maybe he's not a brother.

( laughs ): You-You guys
have it all wrong.

I love this... piece
of plastic.

Uh... Hello, there.

Magic conch, I was wondering...

uh... should I have the
spaghetti or the turkey?

Neither.

Oh. Then how about the soup?

I don't think so.

Could I have anything to eat?

No.

No? What do you mean no?

I'm starving here!

Here, let me try.

Magic conch, could Squidward
have some of this

yummy, delicious,
super-terrific sandwich?

No.

Hmm... Could I have this

yummy, delicious,
super-terrific sandwich?

Yes.

All right!

( whirring sound )

( belches )

Sorry, Squidward.

Give me that!

Could I have something to eat?

No.
Could I have something to eat?

No.
Could I have
something to eat?

No.

Can't you say anything else
but no?

Try asking again.

Can I have something to eat?

No.

( grunting in frustration )

Squidward,
are you all right?

Maybe we should ask
the shell if he's okay.

MAN:
Hello, anyone there?
Hello? Hello?

( gasps )

Do you folks need some help?

I'm saved!

You don't know how happy
I am to see you.

I have been stranded
out here for weeks

with-with-with these
two barnacle-heads

and their magic conch shell.

Magic conch shell?

You mean like this?!

BOTH:
The magic conch! A club member!

( hooting )

( mumbles )

My conch told me
to come save you guys.

ALL:
Hooray for the magic conches!

All right, magic conch,
what do we do now?

Nothing.

All hail the magic conch!

All hail the magic conch!

NARRATOR:
Ah... springtime
in Bikini Bottom.

All sea creatures

have an innate sense
of the seasonal changes.

Like the starfish.

A quick survey
of his environment

and he knows that...

It's spring!

The starfish then sheds
his winter coat

and stores it away
safe for winter.

( sniffs )

I'd better call the doctor...

'cause I've got spring fever!

Good morning, little flowers.

( sighs )

Good morning, Squidward.

Isn't it a lovely day?

Huh.

Ah, did you say hello
to the flowers yet?

Good morning, flowers.

( hissing )

( screams )

Gosh, I didn't know Squidward
had hay fever.

I'll do him a kindness

and plant
some hypoallergenic flowers.

You're on your way.

I bet you're thirsty.

( gasps )

( grunts )

I'm not taking my eyes off you.

( sighs )

Hey, SpongeBob.

Hi, Patrick.

How does this keep happening?

( crunching )

Hi.

( neighs )

( thudding hoofbeat )

( neighs )

She's beautiful.

( neighs )

( thudding hoofbeat )

Wow...

What a magnificent sea horse.

I shall tame her.

Who knows
what we can accomplish!

"Because of her
mysterious behavior,

l have decided
to name her Mystery."

Hmm, now that I think about it,

she's also very graceful
and majestic.

Perhaps I should name her
Grace or Majesty...

or Debbie.

( neighs )

Hmm?

She must have spotted
my floral bookmark.

She's coming this way.

That's it, girl.

Don't be afraid.

I'm just a talking sponge
is all.

( sniffs )

♪ ♪

( giggling )

( huffing and puffing )

( neighs )

( nickers )

( laughing )

Gosh, Mystery,

that was the greatest day
of my life.

Do you think
we'll be friends forever?

( snoring )

I'll take that as a "yes."

( horse neighing )

What the...?

Hey, Squidward, still riding
to work on the machine, I see.

Don't say anything, Squidward.

Remember your karma.

What?!

( grunting and groaning )

( expl*si*n )

( moans )

( neighing )

Whoa, girl.

Now, you wait out here
until I'm done with work.

See you at the end of my shift.

Hey, look, Mr. Krabs
put in a kiddy ride.

Why don't you try it out?

I can't find the coin slot.

Here it is.

( neighing loudly )

( punching )

( yelling )

Yee-ah! Help!

Kiddie ride on the loose!

What's with all the ruckus?

( gasps )

A monster...

scaring away me customers.

That's not a monster,
Mr. Krabs.

It's a horse.

She's my friend.

Her name is Mystery.

You're a mystery, SpongeBob.

( laughs )

Get rid of it.

Huh? Please,
Mr. Krabs,
let her stay.

She won't hurt nobody no how.

It's either you or Mystery.

I knew I should have named her
Debbie.

SpongeBob, thanks

for finally
getting rid of that horse.

( sniffling )
You're welcome, Mr. Krabs.

Now if we could just get rid
of Squidward.

( chuckles )

Good one, sir.

Ha! It worked, girl.

I'll just keep you back here

until Patrick finishes
that stable

I asked him to build.

Only eight more hours.

No, Mystery.

You can't come out yet.

If old man Krabs sees you

I'll lose my job.

Wait a sec.

I bet you're hungry.

How about some lunch?

( sniffs )

( neighs )

Shh, girl, you got
to be quiet, or...

SpongeBob, what was that?

Is that horse in here?

No, Mr. Krabs.

I was just doing my imitation
of Mystery.

( fake neigh )

Well, keep working on it.

That was terrible.

That was close.

From now on,
no more high jinks.

Order up!

( sniffing )

Huh?!

SpongeBob, where's my order?

Did you look under the tray?

Oh, no, I didn't. Sorry.

SpongeBob, could you just
get my order?

They vanished.

Squidward, do you think
the Krusty Krab is haunted?

What if they come for me next?

I got to get out of here!

SpongeBob...

there's no ghosts.

Oh.

In case you've forgotten,

here's how things work.

I order the food.

You cook the food.

Then the customer gets the food.

We do that for years

and then we die.

Sounds like a pretty
good deal to me.

What do you say?

( burps )

Yeah, yeah,
I hear you,
Squidward.

I'll be right back.

What's that?

Don't tell Mr. Krabs.

I've got it all under control.

Now then, you were saying?

Just get my order.

You got it, Squidward.

( chuckles )

Ghosts.

Mystery, you ate my hat.

( burps )

( gasps ) Mystery,

you ate my spatula!

You ate all the Krabby Patties.

You ate the stove!

You ate old man Jankins.

JANKINS:
I don't want to be a burden.

( all yelling )

Folks, we have a minor situation
going on in the kitchen.

Where's our food?

I'm so hungry.

This is my only lunch hour.

Where's old man Jankins?

Take it easy.

The food's no good here anyway.

Squidward,
what's going on in here?

Why don't you go
ask Cowbob Ranch Pans

and his faithful
companion Sir
Eats-a-lot.

SpongeBob, what's the meaning
of all these nicknames?

David H. Jones!

Mystery got a bellyache
from eating Krabby Patties,

so I made her a
bicarbonate of soda.

( burps )

What did I miss?

( squeaking )

So, my eyes are correct!

You still have that horse after
I ordered you to get rid of it!

Well, now, I'm going to get rid
of it once and for all.

No, Mr. Krabs, please don't
make me give up Mystery!

l know you think
she's just a horse,

but she's more than that,
l tell you.

She listens to me.

She understands everything
I say, and I understand her.

She's my best friend.

( sniffling )

Hey, who left this bowl
of onions here?

SpongeBob, your story
has touched me heart.

Believe it or not,
I know what's it like

to give up a best friend.

You do?

I was five years old

and me father gave me a dollar.

I loved that dollar.

Loved it like a brother.

Me and that dollar
went everywhere together.

What happened to the dollar,
Mr. Krabs?

And one day at the beach,

it was so hot

and I was so thirsty.

I spent it on a soda!

( sobbing )

My best friend.

( sniffling and whimpering )

Would you get out of here?

The point is, son,

sometimes you have
to set things free

even though it's hard.

Look at her.

She misses the great outdoors,

the wide open spaces,

the rolling green pastures.

The kitchen is no place
for a live horse.

All right, Mr. Krabs,
I understand.

( whimpering )

( sobbing )

Hey!

Okay, girl, you're free to go.

I can't keep you anymore.

( sobbing )

I know it's hard for
you to understand,

but Mr. Krabs is right.

You belong in the wild.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Can't you see I don't
want you anymore?

Just get out of here,
you stupid, dumb animal!

( sobbing )

Well, she's gone

and I'll never see her again.

It's okay, son.

You did the proper thing.

She's free now

and we have no
right to separate
that wild animal

from its natural habitat.

SQUIDWARD:
Hey, Mr. Krabs.

Looks like ol' Mystery
had an after-dinner salad.

Get that horse!

Mystery...
Mystery...

Yoo-hoo,
Mystery...
Come back!

Mystery...
Mystery, come
back here!