03x03 - Just One Bite/The Bully

[bunniefuu]

Here you go, sir.

A King Size
Ultra Krabby Supreme
with the works,

double batter fried on a stick.

Thanks!

Barnacle head.

Pardon me?

You forgot your mayonnaise.

Thanks.

Look at them eating
that garbage.

It's disgusting.

They're sickening.

I hate Krabby Patties.

( laughs )

Good one, Squidward!

Good what?

Like you don't know.
Saying...

"I hate Krabby Patties."

That's hilarious!

Everyone loves Krabby Patties.

Yeah, well, not me.

You're good at that.

Hey, everyone!

Squid says he doesn't
like Krabby Patties. Ha!

( all laughing )

Yeah, that's real
good, Squidward!
That's real funny!

( laughing )

Don't encourage them!

They'll never leave.

Sorry, Squidward.

It's just so funny.

You know what we say:

ALL:
The only people who don't like
a Krabby Patty

have never tasted one.

That's me.

Never had one, never will.

What?

What?

What? What did you say?

I've never had a Krabby Patty

and never will.

I'm sorry... I don't...

I've never had a Krabby Patty.

Those words!

Is it possible to use them

in a sentence
together like that?

I've never had a Krabby Patty!
I've never had a Krabby Patty!

I've never had a Krabby Patty!

Never had a Krabby Patty?

Well, you've gotta have one
right now!

No wonder you're
always so miserable!

Here, try this!

Get that garbage out of my face!

If you try it, you'll love it!

Try one of those radioactive
sludge balls you call food?

Next I suppose you'll want me to
go square-dancing with Patrick.

Sorry, Patrick.

( sighs )

Come on, you're gonna...

No.

Open up the tunnel.

Here comes the train.

Choo-choo...

No!

Whoop! What's that
in your ear?

Quit it.

Come on, open wide!

SpongeBob, if I were trapped

at the bottom of a
well for three years

with nothing to eat
but that Krabby Patty

I'd eat my own legs first!

And not just the extra ones.

But it's good for you!

Good for you?

That thing is a heart attack
on a bun!

No, Squidward, I meant...
good for your soul.

( angelic music plays )

Oh, puh-leez! I have no soul.

( evil laughter )

Okay, just half.

No.
A quarter?

No.

One bite?

No.

Just smell it.

If I didn't want it out there

what makes you think I'd find it

more appealing in here?!

Come on, Squidward.

No.

One bite.

No.

You won't be sorry.

No!

It's delicious...

Listen, SpongeBob, how long are
you prepared to keep this up?

( click )

Give me that!

When I die... you stay
away from my funeral.

Ohh... do I really...

Ah...

Ooh...

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh...

( gulps )

Why... this Krabby Patty
may be the most...

horrible...

putrid...

poorly prepared...
vile...

unappetizing...

disgusting excuse for a sandwich

it has ever been my displeasure

to have slither down my throat!

But..

And I curse this Krabby Patty

and all who enjoy them
to an early

and well-deserved grave!

Get it?

But it doesn't make any sense.

The Krabby Patty
is an absolute good.

Nobody is immune
to its tasty charms.

Nobody but me.

Are you sure?

Does this look unsure
to you?

No.

Good!

Now go spread the word.

( gasps, panting )

Come on! Come on! Come on!

( gasps )

Still alive!

Oh, so delicious!

Oh...! The wasted years!

( crying )

I got to have more.
I got to have more!

But wait!

After that performance,

he'd never let me live it down!

I gotta sneak one, just one...

then I'm off the stuff for good!

I didn't think it was possible,

but I guess some people
just don't like Krabby Patties.

( whistling )

( whistling )

Uh, SpongeBob?

Yes, Squidward?

I need a Triple Krabby Supreme
on a kelp bun

with extra sea pickle and,
and burn it to a crisp, okay?

Coming right up!

Listen, Squidward.

I want to apologize for before.

I was only trying
to make you happy.

( moaning and groaning )

( voice echoes distantly )

...but now
I've learned

there's room for
all kinds of people...

( whimpers )

...and they don't
all have to like
the same things.

Don't go.

While I strongly disagree

with your decision, I accept it.

You know, it's not often
I get to make one like this.

I want to see the look
on their face

when they take
that first bite.

Triple Krabby Supreme!

Triple Krabby Supreme!

Did somebody order
a Triple Krabby Supreme?

Huh? They must have left.

Well, uh, why don't you
just uh, leave it out here

in case they come back?

Nope, a patty this special
should be eaten fresh

and... well... I haven't
had one of these babies

in over minutes so...

( gasps )

Well, whoever they were,
they had great taste!

( groaning and chattering )

Mm, mm-hmm-hmm,
mm-hmm-hmm-hmm...

Ah, they don't know
what they're missing.

Well, back to work.

What do I have to do?

Eat one out of the garbage?

I wish I could eat this,
but I'm so darn full.

Oh, well.

I had to say garbage...
but okay!

( inhales deeply )

( munching and clattering )

Bleah...

Oh, no, what's this doing here?

This patty should be cremated!

( crying )

I know you didn't like him,

but it means so much
that you came.

( crying )

( continues crying )

( knock on door )

( gasps )

( kissing and sighing )

( romantic music plays )

( sighing )

Honey?

What? Oh...

I have got to get my hands
on a Krabby Patty!

And no one's going to stop me.

( panting )

( panting )

There it is!

( gasps )

Holy shrimp!

I don't know where to start.

But all that matters is that

it's just you... and me...
and nobody...

SPONGEBOB:
Squidward?

Is that you?

SpongeBob?

Uh, uh, uh...
what are you doing here?

I always come to work
at : a.m.

This is when I count
the sesame seeds.

What are you doing here?

Uh... I forgot my...

And why is the patty vault open?

Oh, I thought that, uh...

And why are you holding
a patty behind your back?

I... I... I... I...
no, I didn't do...

And why are you
acting so nervous?

And why are you
sweating so much?

And why do you look so hungry?
And...

No, wait... it's
not what you think.

Th-this is a big
misunderstanding.

You've got to believe me, I...

Listen, I am telling you...

You better listen
to me, SpongeBob.

You like Krabby Patties,
don't you, Squidward?

Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob!

I love Krabby Patties!

I knew it all along, Squidward.

No one can resist
a Krabby Patty.

( chomping and gulping )

Squidward!
How many are you eating?

Squidward!

( laughing wildly )

( munching )

Squidward, you can't eat
all those patties at one time!

Squidward!

What's gonna happen?

Am I gonna blow up?

No, worse, it'll go
right to your thighs...

My thighs?

...and then
you'll blow up.

( expl*si*n )

( siren wailing )

( laughing ):
Yeah...

I remember my first
Krabby Patty.

( snoring )

( yawns )

( loud snapping )

( snapping )

( snapping )

( snapping )

( snapping )

( snapping )

Excuse me, Miss.

I don't want to have
to report you again.

( laughs )
I was just wondering....

ls it the "homework pencil"
on the left side of the paper

next to the "quiz pencil"

or over on the right side,
all by itself... or...

l think it goes
stuck inside your...

Wait! I got it!

The "quiz pencil"
goes right over here

next to the "essay" pencil.

And the "essay" pencil
gets turned sideways

towards the notepad.

Just in case
I have to write an essay.

MRS. PUFF:
Good morning, class!

Sorry I'm late. I got caught in
traffic on the way in here

when that whole
"I'm gonna be doing this

"for the rest of my life" thing
reared its ugly head

and I...
( laughs nervously )

Anyway, we have a new student
starting today.

So let's all put on a happy face

for Flats the Flounder.

( applauding )

Tell the class something
about yourself, Flats.

Well, I like to
kick people's butts.

( laughing )

( applause )

Ooh, what a card.

Now, Flats, it's time
to pick your seat.

Just go ahead
and sit anywhere you like.

MRS. PUFF: Okay, class,
as you remember last week

we started sections... blah-blah-blah...
Hi, I'm SpongeBob.

Hi, SpongeBob.

l'm gonna kick your butt.

Whoa!

( laughs )

That joke was almost
funnier the second time.

No... I mean it.

( giggles ) That time
it almost seemed like...

...you did mean it.

Mrs. Puff.

Yes, SpongeBob?

Can I be excused
for the rest of my life?

( laughs )
Why no, SpongeBob.

l'm in the middle of a
coffee-fueled sermon right now.

You can't afford
to miss this information.

Yes, Mrs.Puff.

Sorry, Mrs. Puff.

Now... can I please
have a volunteer

to come up to the board?

How about you, Flats?

Please draw for us a diagram

of a basic four-way
intersection, Flats.

( chalk squeaking )

Please turn and show the class

what you drew, honey.

( panicked yelling )

( gasps ) My!
How very creative!

We have an artist in the class!

( applause )

( panting )

SPONGEBOB ( echoing ):
I just don't understand.

Why would Flats
want to kick my butt?

l haven't said
two words to the guy!

Hi, I'm SpongeBob.

One... two... ( gasps )

Oh, no, that's three!
What am I gonna do?

( creaking and clattering )
What's that?! Someone's coming.

They're getting closer.

I just got to act natural.

Oh, that's real nice.

Whew! I thought for sure
that was gonna be...

Flats?!

Uh, hello, um... sir.

Uh... kicked any
good butts lately?

Yeah, I remember last week...

I was kickin' this
guy's butt real good...

and he leans over and says...

"Hey, ya know... life's like
a bucket of wood shavings,

"except for when the shavings
are in a pail...

"then it's like a pail of
wood shavings." ( laughs )

Hey, that story
really speaks to me.

Really? What's it say?

It says now I'm gonna
kick your butt twice as hard.

And I'll leave
Gary's water bowl to Gary

and my curtains to...

Oh, Neptune,
I just can't do this!

( ringing )

Death row.
"Next-in-line" speaking.

PATRICK:
Hi! I'd like to place
an order for delivery.

Patrick! Is that you?

Yeah. Hey, Mario.

Let me get a large,
double olive, double...

Patrick, listen!
It's me, SpongeBob!

I need your help.

You're working
at Pizza Castle now?

What? No... listen!
I'm in big trouble.

There's a new guy at school here
and he wants to kick my butt.

Listen, you're big and strong.

Do you think
you can come down here...

maybe rough him up a bit,
just to get him off my back?

Please, Patrick!

I'm so scared, it feels
like I'm gonna throw up.

No, they're not closed...

I know, you want olives...

Patrick? You there?

Oh, I'm sorry, SpongeBob.

I was just talking
to my old community
college buddy, Flats.

I bumped into him
at the soda store,
isn't that funny?

It must have been years
since we've seen each other.

Well, let me get going.

He's got to go
back to school soon.

He says he's gonna
kick somebody's butt.

Aah...!

Hello?
Is this Pizza Castle?

Aah...!

( crashing )

Come in, SpongeBob.

Mrs. Puff, can I be
in a different class?

But why?

I can't tell you.

Why ever not?

I just can't, Mrs. Puff.

My physical being is at stake.

Let's just leave it at that.

SpongeBob,
you can tell me anything.

You've got to believe that.

Well... okay.

But only if you promise
to keep it between us.

Of course.

Flats says
he's gonna kick my butt!

What?! There shall be
no butt-kicking

in any class of mine.

This is an adult program.

SpongeBob, just leave it to me.

Aw, thanks, Mrs. Puff.

I knew I could count on you.

( bell rings )

Have a nice lunch, SpongeBob?

Yes, Mrs. Puff.

( whispers ):
Psst! SpongeBob!

I talked to Flats for you.

I used your name.

It was all a misunderstanding.

You what?!

He was never going to
kick your butt at all.

You see, SpongeBob,
Flats is from a town

where "kicking someone's butt"

means that he wants
to be your friend

and maybe play

some sports with you
on weekends.

I got diarrhea.

( gasping and panting )

Huh?

Are you Flats's Dad?

Why, yes, I am.

Okay, see...

I didn't know
where else to turn!

Patrick couldn't help me

and Mrs. Puff
only made it worse!

I sit next to your son
Flats in school

and he is a fine boy and all

and I don't want you
to take this the wrong way,

but he wants to kick my butt.

Dad, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing, son.

What did I tell you

about talking to strangers?

Now he's going to kick my butt.

Aah...!

Out of my way! Out of my way!

Can't you see
he's going to kick my butt?!

Hi there, young people!

Nice day today.

"So you like kicki" butts, do ya?

Well, we'll show you, old man.
There he is, go get him!

( crowd yelling and punching )

( whimpering )

( panting )

Okay, okay,
I got to skip town!

Start a new life!
Live under an assumed name!

BobPants SpongeSquare!
Yeah, that's good.

Grow a beard
and then shave it off...

and live happily ever after.

Yeah, except you forgot the part

where I kick your butt!

( gasping )

( panting and whimpering )

( snickers )

Whoa...!

( Flats groaning )

Hey, Flats.

You feeling better?

Wh-wh-hat? Where am I?

Why, you're in the hospital.

This young boy saved your life.

He performed CPR
for five hours straight.

Yeah... they said you'd be okay
after the first few minutes,

but I just wanted to be sure.

Wow! I'm touched.

l'll have to remember that
when I'm kicking your butt.

( shattering )

Those flowers for me?

Aah...!

He's still gonna kick my butt!

How many times do we have to

teach you this lesson, old man?

I love the young people.

( crowd mutters angrily )

Aah...!

Oh, Gary! I'm too young
to have my butt kicked.

There are so many things in life
that I haven't gotten to do!

Hang on...
I'll transfer your call.

( banging on door )

Who is it?

Aah...! Flats!

It's butt-kicking time.

Gary, there's something
I want you to know.

But I'm too scared
to remember what it is.

( cracking knuckles )

( gasps )

( cracking )

( gasps )

( gasps )

Let's do it.

Go away, Gary.

I don't want you to see this,
it'll be ugly.

Are you ready?

Hold on.

Okay, I'm ready.

( grunts )

( squeaks )

I said I'm ready.

Huh?

( grunts )

( squeaks )

Didn't you hear me?

I said I'm ready.

( grunts )

( squeaks )

( giggles ) That tickled!

( grunts )
( squeaks )

( laughing )

( grunting )
( squeaks )

Gary! I'm absorbing
his blows

like I was made of some
kind of spongy material!

And do you know what that means?

l get to go
to work tomorrow!

( grunting )
( squeaks )

Do you have any sevens?

( meows )

( grunting )
( squeaks )

(
grunting ) ( squeaks )

( snoring )

( grunting )
( squeaks )

( Flats grunting and punching )
( SpongeBob squeaking )

( panting )
( squeaks )

( panting )

( wheezing )

( groans )

Flats? Are you okay?

( class cheering
and applauding )

Do not cheer me, my
fellow adult classmates.

Flats was
the real victim here.

A victim of a society

that's riding down
a violent road to nowhere...

a road I call "v*olence Road."

Sorry I'm late, class.

I... ( gasps )

SpongeBob!

I can't believe
you beat up a new student!

MRS. PUFF:
I'm going to kick your butt!