03x08 - No Weenies Allowed/Squilliam Returns

[bunniefuu]

Are you ready, kids?

KIDS:
Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you!

Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

Ready?

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants! ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪

♪ SpongeBob... SquarePants! ♪

( Captain laughs heartily )

( plays airy tune )

( waves crashing,
seagulls calling )

NARRATOR:
Ah, Goo Lagoon, a luxurious
oasis of sand and sea.

SANDY:
She-oot, SpongeBob,

how are we gonna go swimming

when you're in a shirt & tie?

Ah, yes, how foolish of me.

( cackles )

Allow me to remedy
said situation right now.

l will just use
this changing tent here

to change into my bathing suit.

And I won't do anything else.

SpongeBob's acting jumpier

than a rattlesnake
in a pickle barrel.

Wait... what?

( laughing )

Oh, I'll be changing all right,

but not into a bathing suit.

Wait until Sandy sees
that I brought my karate gear!

Hi-yah!

Hi... yah!

Sandy won't beat me this time

because I've got the elements
on my side.

The elements of surprise.

Hi-yah!

SANDY:
SpongeBob,
are you ready?

Yes, Sandy,
I most certainly am ready!

( softly ):
Ready to get it on.

Hi...

Hi-yah!

Look, SpongeBob,

we both brought our karate gear.

( muffled laughter )

Great minds think alike,
l suppose.

Hi-yah!

I may be down, but I'm not out!

Way to go, buddy.

It took us three days

to make that potato salad.

Three days!

Hi-yah!

Sandy?

( muffled ):
Oh, I'm Sandy all right...

I'm very sandy.

Hi-yah!

Oh, I get it.

She's "Sandy."

That's her name; she's
also covered in... yes.

Back in Texas,
we call ice cream
"frozen cow juice."

Excuse me for a sec.

Hi... yah!

Thank you.

No, no, thank you.

Hi-yah!

( growling )

Who threw that
piece of paper at me?

( stammering )

( whistling )

SANDY:
Hey, what's
everyone

waiting in line for?

Ahoy, fair lass, it be the line
to get into the Salty Spitoon...

the roughest,
toughest, sailor club

ever to be built
under the seven seas.

Only the baddest of the bad
can get in.

You need to have muscles.

( muscles popping )

You need to have muscles
on your muscles.

( popping )

You need to have muscles
on your eyeballs.

( straining )

Ew.

( Squilliam screaming )

( loud thud )

Looks like a rip-snortin'
good time, SpongeBob.

Yeah, let's go in.

Go ahead.

Welcome to the Salty Spitoon.

How tough are ya?

How tough am I?

How tough am I?

I had a bowl of nails
for breakfast this morning.

Yeah, so?

Without any milk.

Uh, right this way.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Welcome to the Salty Spitoon.

How tough are ya?

How tough am I?

( screams )

SPONGEBOB:
Wow.

Got any more tattoos?

Uh, that won't
be necessary.
Go ahead.

Thanks!

See ya inside, SpongeBob.

How tough are ya?

How tough am I?

You got a new bottle of ketchup?

Sure.

It's on!

( straining )

( panting )

( straining and shouting )

If I could just run this
under some hot water...

Get outta here.

This place is too tough
for you, little man.

Too tough for me?

That's downright ridiculous.

l'll have you know
I stubbed my toe last week

while watering my spice garden
and I only cried for minutes.

Listen, kid, I think
you'd be more comfortable

over at that place.

SPONGEBOB:
Weenie Hut Jr.'s?

Are you saying I belong
at Weenie Hut Jr.'s?

Oh, no, sorry.
I was actually

pointing to the place
next to it.

SPONGEBOB:
Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s?

Yeah.

Unless you think you're
tough enough to fight me.

( slurping straw )

FISH:
How's your collection
coming along?

Well I don't mean to brag,

but it's pretty sweet.

I'm in the process
of acquiring issue ,

which will give me my
fourth complete set.

No!

( snorts ):
What weenies.

Oh, brother.

( robotic voice ):
Would you care for
another diet cola

with a lemon twist, Weenie?

What?!

But I'm not a weenie!

( machinery whirring )

I'm sorry, sir,
but my sensors indicate

that you are indeed a weenie.

( computer beeps )

That's impossible!

You can't hide what's inside.

( panting )

I demand entrance into your club

on the grounds
that I am not a weenie!

Hey, Reg, how's it going?

You were saying?

Go ahead, buddy.

Thanks, Reg.

So, your name's Reg?

Would you get outta here?

Mark my words, Reg!

I will get into
the Salty Spitoon!

I will!

FISH:
Couldn't
get in, huh?

What you need is a tough hairdo.

No one gets into the double-S

without a tough hairdo.

I disagree... I saw a guy

going in there and he was bald.

I saw that guy.

He wasn't bald.
He had a shaved head.

Shaved... that's a hairdo.

Case closed.

Hey, where'd he go?

I believe he said something

about going to the wig store.

Ha-ha!

Check and mate!

What's shaking, my man?

Not much.

Say, haven't I seen you before?

Doubt it... I'm a drifter...
just blew into town.

Heard your club
was pretty tough.

Thought I'd check it out.

Nice try, kid.

I know it's you.

What are you talking about?

Aha!

Hey, everybody, what's going on?

Ah, you can go in.

Sorry about that.

And what do you want?

I'd like to gain entrance
to your social club, please.

I believe my hairdo is in order.

( laughs nervously )

So where do you stand

on the whole
bald vs. shaved debate?

Hey-ya, Reg.

All right, now it's a party.

Oh, yeah, check out the new ink.

Thanks.

Hey, look what I can make it do.

( chuckling ):
Yeah!

Hey, what about that one?

Huh, you know, I don't
remember getting this one.

Can you make it dance?

Oh, here, let me try.

( straining )

Hot-cha, cha-cha,
hot-cha, cha-cha.

Cha-ditty-cha-ditty-cha!

Hmm, wait a minute.

Go ahead in.

Yeah, sure, Reg.

Thanks.

Nice try, little man.

Hey, I was in front of you!

No, you weren't!

Are you callin' me a liar?

I ain't callin' you for dinner!

( grunting and shouting )

( SpongeBob screaming )

( grunting and shouting )

Hold it, you two...
That's enough.

You're both plenty tough.

Go ahead in.

All right.

Thanks, Reg.

Hey, what about me?

I was in that scrap.

( chortles ):
I saw you running.

When you get in a real
fight, then we'll talk.

Well, then, I guess it's time
to take it up a notch.

( punches whooshing )

( knuckles cracking )

( loud crack )

( crackling )

( bawling )

( whimpering )

Care for another sundae, Weenie?

I am not a weenie!

Relax, you're among friends.

My friends don't hang out
at Weenie Hut Jr.'s.

You tell 'em, SpongeBob.

Patrick, what are
you doing here?

I'm always here on
Double-Weenie Wednesday.

Actually, they moved

Double-Weenie
Wednesday to Friday.

And besides,
today's Monday.

Oh, so it's Mega-Weenie Monday?

Oh, that's now on Sunday.

Barnacles!

Super Weenie
Hut Jr.'s

has a Mega-Weenie
Monday.

No, you're thinking

of Monster-Weenie Monday.

I don't have time
for this!

I gotta go pick a fight

with a muscular stranger.

It's the only way of getting

into the Salty Spitoon.

No, SpongeBob, you can't.

It's too dangerous.

I've got no choice.

I have a suggestion.

Why not fake a fight?

Hey, that's not a bad idea!

You can call me
a couple of bad names,

we rumble;
next thing you know,

you're in the Salty Spitoon.

Well, I guess I've
got nothing to lose.

Let's do it!

Yeah!

Hey, how come you never

help us with our problems?

I am a robot,
not a miracle worker.

Afternoon, Reg.

Whoa, whoa, little man.

You still can't go in.

Well, that makes me pretty mad.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I might have to beat someone up

just to get rid
of all this blind fury.

( sarcastically ):
Wow.

l feel pretty sorry for the
next guy who looks at me funny.

Hmm... what about
that guy?

( gasping and stammering )

I...( laughing )
don't be silly.

He's not bothering anybody.

I mean, not like...
that guy!

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

Standing there all
smiling and whatnot.

Somebody ought to teach
you some manners.

Okay, but I must warn you.

I happen to be a world
championship... uh...

"kick... box... er."

I don't care if you're the
demon seed of Davy Jones!

You're going down, Tubby!

Tubby?

( growling )

Nobody calls me Tubby!

Wait, Patrick.

You're supposed to
let me win, remember?

Oh, yeah.

( invisible punches flying )

No, please wait!

( grunting )

( screaming )

No, please, have mercy.

( screaming )

( thud )

REG:
Wow!

You destroyed that guy

without even touching him!

I did?

I never thought I'd say this,

but...
go ahead in.

Really?

I can go in?

Oh, my gosh, I never thought
this moment would come!

I, SpongeBob SquarePants,

am tough enough to get
into the Salty Spitoon!

This is the happiest day
of my life!

( siren wailing )

Sandy?

( groans )

What happened?

You ran inside and
slipped on an ice cube.

What happened?

l slipped on an ice cube
and got covered in boo-boos.

Boo-boos, eh? Hmm...

l think you guys
want that hospital.

SPONGEBOB:
Weenie Hut General?!

SQUIDWARD:
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four,

three, two, one.

I'm done with my shift,
Mr. Krabs!

And let me just say,

there will come a day when I
will make something of my life,

and I will never have to set
foot in this grease trap again!

KRABS:
Yeah, we'll see you

after your lunch break,
Squidward.

Okay.

CREATURE:
So, I just took
my private yacht

across my private lake
to my private heliport.

lt's the only way
off my private island.

Oh, shrimp!

It's my archrival from high
school, Squilliam Fancyson!

I can't let him see me

in my Krusty Krab uniform.

On your lunch break,
eh, Squiddy?

Yes... I mean no...
I mean... uh, uh...

Hey, whatcha been up to?

Oh, just succeeding in
everything you've failed in.

You are no great shakes,
Squilliam Fancyson!

Anyone can be a big shot in
a hick town like Bikini Bottom.

Oh, is that so?

Let's hear what you've
accomplished

since high school, Squiddy.

( thinking ):
Don't be intimidated,
Squidward.

Try to imagine him
in his underwear.

Oh, no, he's hot!

I'm, uh, in... food service.

Hold it, don't tell me...

you're a cashier!

( all laughing )

( thinking ):
Don't lie.

Lying always makes it worse.

I own a five-star restaurant!

Squidward, I had no idea
you were such a success.

That's right!

And I would be honored

if you would allow me
to come to your restaurant...

tonight.

( glass breaks )

T-T-T-T-T-T-Tonight?

In fact, we'll all come.

My treat!

( cheering )

SQUIDWARD:
Please, Mr. Krabs,
you got to help me!

When they get here tonight,

they're going to see I'm just
a big phony and a loser!

Oh, boo-hoo!

Let me play a sad song for you
on the world's smallest violin.

This is serious.

I know... this really is

the world's smallest violin.

See?

Mr. Krabs!

Please let me run the restaurant

for just one night!

I really need
to impress Squilliam.

Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam?

That guy who made millions

doing what you
wish you could do?

Don't rub it in.

Why didn't you tell me?

We'll take him to the cleaners!

All right, listen up!

Men, Squilliam Fancyson
will be here in minutes.

Therefore, we need
to turn the Krusty Krab

into a fancy restaurant
as soon as possible!

Patrick, what are you
doing here?

I thought the Corps

would help me straighten out
my life, sir!

The Corps?

What the...?

Pat, this isn't the...

( sighing )

Beggars can't be choosers.

Can you take hats

in a dignified and
sophisticated manner?

You mean like a weenie?

Okay!

May I take your hat, sir?

May I take your hat, sir?

May I...

All right, I've heard enough.

You've got the job.

Mr. Krabs, didn't you once
serve on the S.S. Gourmet?

Aye-aye!

Then you'll be our chef.

What can I do?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but, SpongeBob, you're going
to have to be the waiter.

What's that?

It's the guy who goes
to tables and takes orders.

Do other restaurants do that?

Yes, they do that!

Now listen,
Squilliam is on his way

and you have
less than minutes

to become a fancy waiter,

so read this.

"" How To Become a Fancy Waiter

in Less Than Minutes."

Don't worry, Squidward,

I'll memorize every page...

right down to the
punctuation marks!

All right, I've got
all the positions filled.

I just might pull this off.

PATRICK:
Give me that hat!

I said give it to me!

Are you going to
hand it over or not?

Don't you back-sass me!

( grunting )

He's just the hat-check guy,
nothing essential!

( expl*si*n )

What happened?
What is it?

Peas!

KRABS:
Made 'em the
old-fashioned way.

Mr. Krabs, you got
to take them out of the...

( gasps ):
Holy fish paste, what is that?

That's the appetizer!

But, I thought you said

you were the head chef
on the S.S. Gourmet?

Did I say that?

No, I cleaned the bathrooms
on the Gourmet.

l was the head chef
on the S.S. Diarrhea.

There you are!

SpongeBob, you got to help me!

Patrick and Mr. Krabs
aren't working out

and Squilliam's almost here,

and, and... SpongeBob?

I can't do it.

I can't do it, Squidward.

What?

Every sentence,
every paragraph...

Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper!

Don't you understand?

My brain is full to bursting!

If I have to memorize
a single order,

I think I'm going to explode!

SpongeBob, hold on!

Let's just take a second here
to relax.

Little more...

Little more...

Good.

Now... I want you
to empty your mind.

Empty my mind?

Empty your mind.

Empty my mind.

Empty your mind of everything

that doesn't have to do
with fine dining.

Fine dining and breathing...

Just got an order from the boss:

Dump everything that
isn't about fine dining!

ALL:
Everything?

Everything.

Come on, come on!

Quicker, quicker!

( panicked shouting )

Start dumping, start dumping.

Come on, let's get moving!

Hurry up!

What do you think
I'm paying you for?

You don't pay me.

We don't even exist.

We're just a clever
visual metaphor

used to personify
the abstract concept
of thought.

One more crack like that
and you're out of here!

No, please!

I have three kids!

( panicked shouting )

( flushing )

( panicked shouting )

How do you feel?

SpongeBob?

( snapping tentacles )

This isn't working!

I gotta go tell Squilliam
l need more time!

I'll just go to Squilliam's
house and and tell him...

You're here!

Hello, Squiddy!

We're all ready to be dazzled

by your five-star restaurant.

Wait, Squilliam!

I've got to explain!

Explain what?

That you, Squidward Tentacles,

voted most likely
to suck eggs in high school,

are trying to pass off
a lousy burger stand

as a five-star...

( gulping )

...restaurant?

Hommina, hommina,
hommina, hommina...

BOTH:
Hommina, hommina, hommina...

ALL:
Hommina, hommina, hommina,
hommina, hommina...

Table for Hommina?

I can seat you immediately.

( whispering ):
How did you do all this?

It was easy... once
I cleared my mind.

But what about
Krabs and Patrick?

Taken care of.

( moaning )

Right this way, please.

Good evening, sir.

From our menu tonight,

might I recommend
the Krabby Newburg?

We take the finest cuts
of aged, imported kelp,

stuff them
with herbs
from our garden,

wrap them in parchment

with our award-winning
shallot tapenade,

slow-roast them for six hours

in our wood-fired,
clay-filled oven
or kiva

and serve them
with a garnish
of wilted coral

on a mahogany
plank.

Mmm... this is fantastic!

Thank you, sir.

Pinch me, I must be dreaming.

( screams )

If you need anything
else, just call.

SpongeBob, I can't
thank you enough

for all you're doing!

Fine dining and breathing
are all I know how to do.

( inhaling )

It worked.

I can't believe it!

Squilliam thinks I own
a five-star restaurant.

Time to rub it in his face.

( sighing )

Well, Squilliam, I'm waiting.

All right, I admit it.

Everything is fabulous!

The food, the atmosphere...
Everything's flawless!

In that case,
I need you to read this.

"Squidward Tentacles..."

And I need you to wear this.

Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles
has the fanciest..."

I'm sorry, one more time.

"Squidward Tentacles has
the fanciest restaurant

in Bikini Bottom...
and he does not suck eggs."

( cheering )

Squidward, I must tell you...

Thank you.

What really won me over
was your brilliant waiter.

It's as if all he knows

is fine dining and breathing.

I must know your name.

( record scratching )

My name?

Yes, your name, son.

Uh, Beef Wellington?

No, your name.

Uh... er...

The fork on the left?

Stop joking.

Tell him your name.

My name...

What's his name?
What's his name?

I got nothing on a name!

Come on baby, what's the name?

( panicked shouting )

We threw out his name!

( screaming )

Uh...

( barking )

I am so very sorry!

I don't know what
has gotten into that...

( screaming )

More soup for your armpits?

( screaming )

Please enjoy the food!

Would you like some cheese
on that, sir?

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

( panicked screaming )

No, no!

( screaming )

Run for your lives, everyone,
it's the appetizer!

( roaring )

( screaming )

( glass breaks )

( cloth tears )

Well, Squiddy, I'm waiting.

Okay, I admit it!

I'm a fraud!

This was all a futile,
pathetic attempt to impress you.

This isn't really
my restaurant!

I'm just a cashier!

Squidward, I understand.

I have a confession
to make myself.

I made everything up
about my life.

I have no yachts,
jets or anything.

I was only trying
to impress you.

The horrible, sad truth is,
I'm a cashier, too!

( sobbing )

( violin playing )

Is that true?

Of course not!

I'm filthy, stinking rich!

Come on, everyone!

Let's all take a ride
in my balloon/casino.

CROWD:
Hooray!

( tearing )

( sighs )

( groans )

I got such a headache.

What's going on with you?

Oh, the usual.

( playing mournful tune )

SQUIDWARD:
Would you get out of here!